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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage Issues - Unsolvable?

48 replies

PinkDye · 01/08/2020 19:50

Hello

Been using this site for reading purposes for a long time but today I’m posting with the hope of some advice from anybody who’s been through what I’m currently going through.

My DH is a misery guts, 5 out of 7 days he’s moody. The best way to describe my current state is that I’m walking on eggshells on a daily basis. I constantly have that feeling of “when’s he gonna kick off”... Not IF he’s going to kick off. It’s as if it’s certain it’s going to happen, just a matter of when and what will it be over today.

I have self worth, I know when I’m not being treated well and I’m the type of person who likes to deal with it and not let it slide. I believe we have a certain control on how we let others treat us, I don’t wish to be a doormat to have his feet wiped on and that’s how I’ve been feeling.

No matter what I do I’m at a loss, I do my bit financially, I look after the kids and make sure everyone is fed and happy. I think I’m a pretty decent wife to be honest. I pull my weight in all departments! However, I feel like I’m being taken for a ride. My DH is never happy, always has something to say about everything. He can be very ungrateful and harsh, not very friendly/warm.

We also have different parenting styles (2 kids). I’m more of a laid back parent and he’s all about rules and regulations. I don’t mind if the kids are watching a bit too much tele some days, after all, schools are closed and with the corona situation soft plays are closed and there’s only so much I can take them out. DH doesn’t do anything with the kids such as day trips or parks etc, it’s very rare he’ll take them somewhere. So why moan if they are happily keeping themselves entertained? He does help with them at home though.

Other points to mention are, I don’t feel respected. His language has been getting worse, he won’t think twice before swearing, whereas it takes me a while to get to a place of using swears. I would need to be very pissed off to swear.

He loses his cool over things like, misplaced items, something not being done the way he would do it or how he likes it. It’s like he has to approve everything. It’s becoming hard to live day to day and side by side with a critic.

Have I tried talking to him about this all? Most definitely, that’s all I’ve been trying to do for months and months. Sometimes he’s in full blown denial about it and other times he tells me he’s felling depressed and doesn’t know why he’s down. Assured me he would seek help and speak to the GP but then flipped and said there’s “nothing wrong with me”.

Advise me ladies and gents.. it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t help themselves, what now...

OP posts:
BubblyBarbara · 01/08/2020 19:52

Was he always like this? If not when did he change and why?

Wester · 01/08/2020 19:55

Arrange to stay at a friend's house for a week. Go there and don't answer his calls. A couple of days in, answer a call and arrange to meet, somewhere public and lay it all out. If he doesn't make a commitment to change, ditch him.

ThickFast · 01/08/2020 19:59

Having been someone who reads MN, what would your advice be to someone in this situation? To me, it doesn’t sound good. The ‘walking on eggshells’ stands out to me in your post.

bigchris · 01/08/2020 20:01

I couldn't leave like that

bigchris · 01/08/2020 20:01

Live

bigchris · 01/08/2020 20:02

There has to be respect imo for a relationship to survive

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2020 20:13

Pinkdye

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What you are describing here at some length is your life in an abusive marriage; walking on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear. Your marriage is over because of the abuse he is meting out towards you and in turn your kids who are also picking up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken. Your H's sulking behaviour is also a further example of emotional abuse here towards you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Is this really the model of a relationship you both want to be showing them, for them to learn that yes women are treated like this by men?. Currently you are showing them that this from their dad is still acceptable to you on some level.
How can you be helped therefore into leaving your abuser?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2020 20:18

I would seek legal advice when you are able to do so and to also consider contacting your local domestic violence group and Womens Aid. The Rights of Women organisation can also help with legal advice too; link is here rightsofwomen.org.uk/ .

You need a plan and support to leave him and your safety here is of paramount importance. He won't make it at all easy for you to separate from him because he likes having you around to abuse. Abuse like you describe too takes time, perhaps years even, to recover from and I would also suggest you enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 20:31

He wasn’t like this when we were dating, when we moved in together that’s when I saw him for what he is. They say you never really know someone until you live with them

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 20:32

^ that was for BubblyBarbaras question

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 20:36

ThickFast - my advice would probably be do what you can before ending things, ie, try and get help/a solution.

Has there been anything that has worked for anyone in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 20:37

Bigchris- I agree

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 20:38

Attila - Thanks for the deep advice, means a lot. Have you been through a similar thing? If so, what happened

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2020 20:43

PinkDye

re your comment:-
"My advice would probably be do what you can before ending things, ie, try and get help/a solution.

Its already over because of the abuse he metes out. You've already tried with talking to him. He does not want a solution; his solution is to control you because he believes that you are the problem here. Such men too hate women, ALL of them and in particular their own mother. In the mind of an abuser its always the other person's fault, never theirs. Your H does not ever apologise nor accepts any responsibility for his actions does he?. He does not want your help or support here; he wants absolute power and control over you and your kids.

"Has there been anything that has worked for anyone in a similar situation?"

The only thing that will work going forward for you and your kids here is to leave your abuser.

Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 20:47

Attila - he is apologetic only once he’s unleashed his wrath and he’s simmered down and I have to tell him where he went wrong, but other than that yeah he does seem to think it’s ok what he does

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2020 20:49

No I have not but a few of my friends have been in controlling and otherwise abusive relationships. All of them got away from their abuser eventually; in the case of my closest friend I kept the lines of communication open (some abusers do try and isolate their target from getting support from family and friends) and tried to get her to think about what life would be like away from him. She over time made a decision herself to leave him; I gave her the tools to do so.

BTW PinkDye did you meet this man at a low point in your life. You seem to have met this man anyway in your late teens so at a time when you had no real life experience behind you.

Max1140 · 01/08/2020 20:53

I’d suggest telling him you want him to open up about how he’s feeling. Say it doesn’t have to be now, but by next Saturday or whatever, to give him a little time to get his thoughts together. Explain the effect his behaviour has on you, or reiterate this. Then, if by that deadline he hasn’t said anything, hasn’t committed to taking some action, or if he tries to blame it all on you, my advice would be to leave.

The way you’ve described it does sound like a form of abuse, as others have said. You have to make it clear that things can’t continue the way they are. Nobody should live in fear.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2020 20:54

His apologies are meaningless and are part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. There will always be a next time. He is and remains volatile here.

Do you think he acts similarly at work or around people in the outside world?. No he does not act like this, it is for you that his abuse is targeted. Image to such men is all important, they do like to be seen as the ideal family man. Abuse like you describe as well thrives on secrecy, you have taken a small but important step here in writing about this. Keep posting here too.

SteelyPanther · 01/08/2020 21:01

Are you still having sex ?

SteelyPanther · 01/08/2020 21:02

Do you want your children to think that this is how you treat your partner ?

Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 21:08

Steely - I’m fully aware that the behaviours displayed are unacceptable that’s why I wanted to post today

Attila - this is actually my second marriage. I’m 31, we met when I was 28. In regards to secrecy, I’ve informed my family and his about the stuff that’s going on and how it’s tearing us apart. It took a lot for me to crack, I kept it to myself for a while but now I’m exhausted mentally.. marriage isn’t supposed to be a battlefield

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 21:13

Max - I’ve tried that approach before, he promised he would speak to the GP about his moods and outbursts. However, as the days went on the promise faded into the background. When I said I’ll make the appointment for you he threw a major tantrum and told me not to dare. I don’t think any amount of days to think about it will result in him actually doing the right thing.

One of the responses above advised going to a friends house, it’s a good strategy but I don’t have friends, just acquaintances. Also, I’ve thought many time’s about getting a holiday rental for a week just to get away and make him realise but again that’s me making the efforts. He should be making the effort to change his ways while I’m present

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 21:15

Attila - you’re right, when we stayed at my in laws his behaviour was immaculate but when it’s just me and him it’s a different story

OP posts:
stopwining · 01/08/2020 21:22

My DH was like this for a short while, but he got to a point where he recognised he was depressed and sought help.

His turning point was that he had forgotten to think about the future and what it meant. He was only thinking about the here and now, and that wasn't a good time for him.

I agree with a PP who said to sit down and ask him to talk about how he's feeling and you can explain the effect it has on you. I think his reaction will tell you all you need to know.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/08/2020 21:25

Re your comment:-

"He should be making the effort to change his ways while I’m present"

What he does to you works for him; he has likely been abusive from the time he entered into relationships himself. He does not want to change; this works for him and he feels he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you. He feels absolutely entitled to act like this towards you. This whole thing about you having acquaintances only is probably a deliberate move on his part too?.

This is your second marriage; was your first marriage abusive too?.

I would put any and all money you would spend on a holiday rental instead into an escape fund for you going forward. Please do call Womens Aid or one of the other organisations out there.