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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need urgent advice please

28 replies

adviceneeded01 · 01/10/2007 17:59

I am very confused last night ,dp came home from work at around 10pm ,everything was normal we went to bed and I fell asleep sometime during the night I woke up to find him on top off me and I tried to push him off he held me down and I asked him to stop he didn't ,he just started saying obscene things about it been what I wanted in the end I just lay there and waited for him to finish.

This morning he said sorry and made a joke of it

nothing like this has happened before and no alcohol or anything was involved last night
I feel very shook up but can't work it out in my head is it rape or not?

OP posts:
berolina · 01/10/2007 18:07

Yes, that is rape.

I'm very sorry. You might want to talk things through with Women's Aid.

Bouquets · 01/10/2007 18:12

He has now officially ruined your 'marriage' . Seek legal advice because even if you give him one more chance, he won't take you seriously unless you show you are prepared to leave.

BroccoliSpears · 01/10/2007 18:13

Could he have been asleep? Semi-dreaming?

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 18:14

How long have you been together Advice?

Original poster
adviceneeded01 · 01/10/2007 18:15

IDK I have never ever known him be like this ever I was fast asleep but he did remember it this morning

OP posts:
Original poster
adviceneeded01 · 01/10/2007 18:15

10 years

OP posts:
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 18:17

What have you said to him? Have you asked him what the hell he was playing at and why? You need to mention the word "rape" to him I think..

ggglimpopo · 01/10/2007 18:18

"The legal definition in England and Wales was revised by the Sexual Offences Act 2003, which came into force in May 2004. The Act represents a major overhaul in the sexual offences framework and was the outcome of extensive consultation and debate over a two year period - for further information see 'Setting the Boundaries' at the Home Office website. Under the new legislation rape is classified as penetration by the penis of somebody's vagina, anus or mouth, without their consent. It can be committed against men or women but since it involves penile penetration it can only be committed by men. The Act also provides for the first time a clear definition of consent. "A person consents if s/he agrees by choice and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice." SOA, section 74. The new legislation also covers sexual assaults against adults, children, trafficking and abuse of adults with major learning and other disabilities. View the Sexual Offences Act 2003 at the HMSO website".

Basically, forced penetration, without your consent, constitutes rape. What you do now is up to you. I would initially get legal advice (free half hour from good solicitor) and decide what you want to do.

I have personal knowledge of this and would say that it is far from easy taking someone to court for rape, but I have no regrets. Rape is a crime and the perpetrator should be punished.

Original poster
adviceneeded01 · 01/10/2007 18:18

I said to him
you really upset me last night why did you do that?
he said
You didn't say no

I told him I had three times and he said
I'm sorry I thought youw ere just letting me get on with it

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 01/10/2007 18:21

Do you believe him?

Original poster
adviceneeded01 · 01/10/2007 18:22

Idk i just feel scared not of him but whats going to happen next

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 01/10/2007 18:24

Only you know your relationship and your sex life and your partner.

Why don't you go and see a solicitor and see how you feel having talked it through. There would be no pressure for you to proceed with anything, but it may make things clearer in your mind.

Do you have young children?

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 18:25

You need to decide what's going to happen next. You need to think about whether you are prepared to risk that happening again and if you are, you need to put it to him, in no uncertain terms, that what he did constitutes rape, that no means no and that you never ever want it to happen again. And if you think he has damaged you relationship, in general, as I imagine he may have, you need to tell him that too.

He doesn't seem to be very aware of what he has done. Could he be in denial? How old is he? What are things like between you in the every day sense? He is usually a loving, caring person?

ItsGrimUpNorth · 01/10/2007 18:54

It will happen again.

In his mind, you didn't say no therefore there is no problem.

I'd seek legal advice and I'd tell him he raped you and that you have sought legal action.

Bouquets · 01/10/2007 21:48

Please don't let him in your bed tonight, not because it might happen again but because he has to get it through his skull that you are mortally offended, frightened and furious. Please don't go quiet and hope he'll notice, do it loudly and in his way so he can't help but trip over your shock and horror.

Susianna · 01/10/2007 21:52

Oh my God. You've been raped. How has this happened when you have been together for so long...hard to imagine...why a man would suddenly start being like this?

You poor poor thing.
Is anyone around whom you can stay with for a few nights till you get your head together?

Really, really, really horrid and bloody odd as well.

Virtual big hug from us all I think

Elizabetth · 01/10/2007 23:32

I am so, so sorry he did this to you adviceneeded. You must be in a complete state of shock.

What he did was rape. It was without your consent and he knows it even if he tries to blame you.

Rape Crisis may be able to offer some advice and support -

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

Take care of yourself.

BroccoliSpears · 02/10/2007 08:43

I think that if my partner of 10 years did something like this, and it was completely out of character, and as the OP has said, she is not scared of HIM, just scared about what's going to happen, my first step would not be to talk to a solicitor or involve the authorities. My first step would be to talk to my partner.

I am not trivialising what he did, I agree that it was rape, however, putting myself in this situation, if it was my partner I would be worried about his mental health - is he having a breakdown? Are there things going on that I don't know about?

I'm not sure I'm expressing this very clearly, I just feel that calmly going to talk to a solicitor is a very sensible, by-the-book, black-and-white thing to do, and doesn't really allow for ten years of relationship baggage prior to this incident.

WinkyWinkola · 02/10/2007 09:01

BroccoliSpears, he assaulted her! You wouldn't be saying that if he'd hit her.

I'd definitely get legal advice first and protect myself before going anywhere near him again, ten years of marriage or not. That's what makes it even more disturbing. He's supposed to love her.

TimeForMe · 02/10/2007 09:53

I understand what you are saying Broccolispears and i agree with everything you said.

She needs to talk in depth with her partner about what happened.

BOOquets · 02/10/2007 10:03

A good family solicitor ought to have a smattering of knowledge about mental health procedures too as well as contact details for relevant support organisations.

dizietsma · 02/10/2007 10:17

I think Rape Crisis would be most helpful. I don't think it's helpful to tell a victim of rape to talk things over with her attacker, husband of ten years or not. Just because you've known a person for a long time doesn't make it OK if they rape you. End of story. Frankly, I'm concerned about the OP diminishing the significance of this massive violation as it is, and a cosy chat with tea and cake is not the way to solve this. I'm very shocked that any of you would suggest such a thing.

TimeForMe · 02/10/2007 10:23

Nobody is diminishing the matter or suggesting a cosy chat over tea and cakes.

Some of us may have experience ourselves and have a little insight.

It would be interesting to hear from adviceneeded01 as to whether or not she has decided what action she would like to take.

dizietsma · 02/10/2007 10:29

Well, experience clearly doesn't denote wisdom in this instance!

TimeForMe · 02/10/2007 10:31

And being insulting doesn't help