AIBU? Not making an effort with DH friend?

[Maddie2019]

Okay so my DH best friend done a runner when I became pregnant, hasn’t ever seen us or met my LO for 4 years. It’s really odd, his girlfriend deleted me off Facebook and won’t accept any friend requests etc.

Moving onto now his girlfriend is now pregnant and they want us to come over for a coffee tomorrow. AIBU as i really don’t want to go? He’s not my friend, he hasn’t made an effort with us for 4 years but all of a sudden he wants to build a friendship again because they’re expecting!!

I know i’m probably being spiteful but I honestly don’t want anything to do with them. My DH is upset I won’t come and said he lacks friends so I need to make an effort.

Would you go? I wouldn’t call them friends! There’s being busy and then there’s just not making an effort!

Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies!

Today is the day and DH is still upset I won’t make an effort, so I said I would go! I don’t want to be hostile from the start but I’m afraid that’s most likely the way it’s going to go. I’m not bothered about DH coming with me to see MY friends, it all seems odd!

I shall update you all this evening to see what their invite was all about!

DH is certain i’m invited, i’m actually wandering if his friends partner will even be there!

Wish me luck

Good Luck, you will be fine, if you feel uncomfortable or its awkward you can always leave!

You have come a long way and culled difficult people from your life and replaced them with better people.

You know your boundaries and that is v strong and emotionally healthy.

You have decided to go to support your DP. That’s fine. Make sure that he is clear it’s a one off from you and that he should not be confirming any further meet ups or agreeing to selling/lending anything whilst you are there. Also let him know that if you feel uncomfortable you will be making an excuse to leave early and he has to support that.

You can still hold your boundary when you are there. Sit back, watch and listen, don’t get too drawn in or agitated. You are the emotionally mature one here.

I would go. But underneath I would have already shipped out.

No, DH, I don't need to make an effort to be friendly to be people who have treated us both like shit and have gone out of their way to avoid us for YEARS. They aren't your friends. They certainly aren't my friends. This is not how friends behave.

My curiosity would get the better of me and I’d go to see what’s what.
No to baby sitting and old baby gear though. Good luck.

Tbh if your DH can't manage to go round to somebody's house without your "support", then that could be why he lacks friends...

If they were previously nice, normal people I'd want to go, find out what had happened. Maybe something was wrong in their life etc

Do they need baby clothes? Nursery furniture? Are they looking for cast-offs?

How did it go Maddie - did you play it cool?

Yes how did it go?

I would go for my partner's sake but encourage them to meet up just the two of them next time.

Tbh if your DH can't manage to go round to somebody's house without your "support", then that could be why he lacks friends...

Absolutely this. You're a nicer woman than I am, OP. The only time I have 'made an effort' to help someone else with friendships was when my eight year old and I moved countries in the middle of an academic year, and he was thrust in, mid-year, to a completely new school system and a new language -- and my 'effort' consisted of inviting kids from his class that he liked to come over to play after school and being nice to their parents over coffee or a drink when they picked up.

An adult who needs his hand held in order to have coffee with his former best friend sounds unattractively needy and helpless.

@Nanny0gg

Do they need baby clothes? Nursery furniture? Are they looking for cast-offs?

That was my first though tbh.

...thought

Hi all! Well i went, and it was very very strange and I won’t be going myself anytime soon.

Wasn’t really a set up to meet and have a coffee, no garden furniture etc. My little one was bored stiff which resulted in watching Cbebies on my phone. They didn’t really speak to my son either,
I know some people find it difficult to talk to kids but it annoys me!

His girlfriend didn’t seem “off” as such, but it was definitely awkward. I tried to make small talk but didn’t get anything back - funnily enough the baby was barely mentioned!

On reflection I think they wanted an insight to see if life was really “over” once having kids. Neither one of them seemed particularly overjoyed with their news (I guess we all handle things differently)

To summarise it defiantly felt like a waste of a Saturday afternoon! Me and DH haven’t spoken about it since we left either... maybe he’s thinking the same 🤷‍♀️

@Sssloou @Zuzu5

On reflection I think they wanted an insight to see if life was really “over” once having kids. Neither one of them seemed particularly overjoyed with their news (I guess we all handle things differently)

That would actually make sense. They dropped you like hot rocks when you had a baby, but now that they're (accidentally?) pregnant, they want to see how you're doing, if they could be happy doing that...

Sounds like they're perhaps not ready to give up their own lives and put a small person first?

It’s good that you went and were able to watch with a cool
head......and good that you have decided not be involved further. Also that it was a waste of your time and not good for your child. That’s an emotionally mature way to behave. Doesn’t sound like they were very welcoming / hospitable either ...... be ready to swerve and bat back any follow up plans to meet again / “borrow” your stuff.

Your DH needs more interesting friends than these two - can he join any hobbie / sports / interest group thing to build his social life?

If he's lacking friends have all his friends become estranged since you got together? Do you have a decent relationship with his other friends or did he always only have the one good mate?

Surely your husband can go without you there to hold his hand?