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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU? Not making an effort with DH friend?

70 replies

Maddie2019 · 31/07/2020 17:59

Okay so my DH best friend done a runner when I became pregnant, hasn’t ever seen us or met my LO for 4 years. It’s really odd, his girlfriend deleted me off Facebook and won’t accept any friend requests etc.

Moving onto now his girlfriend is now pregnant and they want us to come over for a coffee tomorrow. AIBU as i really don’t want to go? He’s not my friend, he hasn’t made an effort with us for 4 years but all of a sudden he wants to build a friendship again because they’re expecting!!

I know i’m probably being spiteful but I honestly don’t want anything to do with them. My DH is upset I won’t come and said he lacks friends so I need to make an effort.

Would you go? I wouldn’t call them friends! There’s being busy and then there’s just not making an effort!

OP posts:
Gogogadgetarms · 31/07/2020 18:20

Nah, they’re not worth the effort OP.
I’d think less of my DH if he did go tbh. Stinks of desperation.
They’re probably after your baby stuff or want to rinse you for advice.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2020 18:27

You are young OP but you have your head screwed and you have your boundaries.
That is really good!
If you don't want to go then don't go.
I don't see what they could possibly bring your lives now.
They haven't bothered for 4 years.
So... I'm with @MizMoonshine - perfect response Grin

Original poster
Maddie2019 · 31/07/2020 18:36

@hellsbellsmelons Thanks, that means a lot! I have had far too much negativity surrounding friends to last a lifetime and don’t want anymore!

OP posts:
Argggghhneedclarity · 31/07/2020 18:37

Let your DH go on his own- you really don't need to go with him if you feel uncomfortable about it.

SonjaHeniesTutu · 31/07/2020 18:40

@Gogogadgetarms

Nah, they’re not worth the effort OP. I’d think less of my DH if he did go tbh. Stinks of desperation. They’re probably after your baby stuff or want to rinse you for advice.
This sounds more like it. Wanting your baby hand me downs, advice and/or lining up babysitting.

Boundaries are really important, don't let anyone ever try to change yours. You get to decide what you are and are not comfortable with.Flowers

Anydreamwilldo12 · 31/07/2020 19:19

I wouldn't go. They've ignored your messages and ignored you in person but now have the audacity to expect you to visit them.

I would be telling my husband to get a back bone and tell mate to sod off. Does he know they ignored your efforts to get in touch.

I think they're after something cheeky bastards.

whereorwhere · 31/07/2020 22:43

I actually have some sympathy with them. At 19 I was doing what most 19 year olds do - out having a good time. I wasn't interested in babies and would imagine that I would probably grow away from someone who had them because we would have little in common anymore. Plus people who have had babies are notorious for going in about it continually (I did!) so probably very boring for the average 19 year old. Don't know why she defriended you on FB - that's a bit weird - unless of course you come across as boring by talking about your kids I have friends who do that and it's tedious as hell. Literally every other day another picture of their baby because their life revolves around it. I would not see them because I would be pissed off but I can see why they might not have been that interested in seeing you

justilou1 · 31/07/2020 23:21

They want your old baby gear, OP!!!

Finkelbraun · 31/07/2020 23:43

HE doesn't have many friends, so YOU have to make an effort?!

That's really not how it works...

If he wants to be friends with them and hang out with them, then there is absolutely nothing stopping him. Why do you have to go with him? To hold his hand and help him cross the road safely?

Finkelbraun · 31/07/2020 23:45

And yes, they want your old baby gear!

Shamoo · 01/08/2020 00:00

I think the answers on here are a bit sad. If he genuinely doesn’t have many friends and wants to go, then I would absolutely go this first time to see what happened. It doesn’t sound like they have been nasty to you really (i can’t get excited about who is friends with who on social media), and you don’t have the context of why it happened. With reasonable expectations as to what may happen, I would totally support my partner if I loved them to try and rebuild a friendship that mattered.

DocusDiplo · 01/08/2020 00:04

I really don't understand why people are encouraging the OP to go to someone's house who have been rude for years and years! Nope!!!

famousforwrongreason · 01/08/2020 02:06

@RandomTree

I totally understand why you're pissed off, but if your DH wants to rekindle the friendship I'd go to support him.
Fucked if I'd go and support him. He's an adult, it's his friend and if he wants them his life that's his choice and he is surety capable of meeting them without you op. In your shoes, I certainly wouldn't want to be up their arses.
famousforwrongreason · 01/08/2020 02:08

@Finkelbraun

And yes, they want your old baby gear!
Haha. I hadn't thought of this, bet it is. Fuck em off. You can 'respect your husband' by listening to the details from your partner when gets home.
famousforwrongreason · 01/08/2020 02:11

@gamerchick

Nah fuck them. Personally I'd message him or the girlfriend saying she's got a nerve just to make sure.
Spot on. I like it
MashedSpud · 01/08/2020 02:33

Definitely after something. Baby items, advice or free babysitting.

OffThePlanet · 01/08/2020 02:53

They are so mean and probably have no friends left and are desperate to rekindle past friendships.

They won’t change and how uncomfortable are you going to feel going to their home after the way they have treated you.

Your DH’s friend could barely acknowledge you 5 months ago. Is it possible it’s your DH he wants to visit him and your DH has told you that you were invited too. Does DH’s friend’s partner even know you were invited too?

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 03:00

Yeah, na.... that wouldn’t work for me.

Your DP is free to go hang out! He could take your kid & give you the afternoon off! It’s kind of old fashioned to insist to do “visiting” as a couple - this is what all my old Italian telos would do. You don’t need to visit together, you’re not attached to the hip.

Also if your DP is so desperate for friends then he should respect that his mate’s GF seems to not like you & this would likely create an awkward tension. Likely he will enjoy the dynamics more if he goes to visit his mate himself, so they can catch up.

My first thought about FB deletion is that maybe your posting style/content annoys her. I hide or remove people who post inane inspirational memes, Snapchat filters & too many baby-related status updates + pics (often using said Snapchat filter - why do babies/kids need a Snapchat filter ?)

Not saying this is you, but it might be something to consider!

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 03:01

Italian*relos - Grin

Ernieshere · 01/08/2020 03:04

Yep, balls to them.

justilou1 · 01/08/2020 07:07

What is the bet your DH has the brilliant idea that he’s going to “lend” this delightful pair your baby gear that you’re storing. It’s all his idea, of course.... not theirs. 🤨

NoemiaElara · 01/08/2020 07:24

It sounds like they just don't like you. Which is fine, we don't have to like everybody. But equally you don't have to hang out with people who have been rude, ignored you and made you feel shorty at a vulnerable time (becoming a new mum)! Make him put his big boy pants on and go on his own!
I agree with the poster who said they probably want your old baby stuff.

AlternativePerspective · 01/08/2020 07:36

I really don't understand why people are encouraging the OP to go to someone's house who have been rude for years and years! Nope!!! because when all this happened they were teenagers. And teenage friendships are fluid, added to which, the OP was having a baby, something which most teens find horrifying not to mention boring.

FWIW we had friends like these who we hadn’t seen for years, then met up with once, and they bought all our baby equipment then we never saw them again. I just put it down to one of those things. You can get together without having to forge some kind of deep and meaningful friendship, don’t overthink it, go round there, have a drink or two, and if you have nothing in common then just don’t go back.

And I really wouldn’t overthink being unfriended on FB. I’ve unfriended about 35 people in the past couple of weeks, some of whom I barely spoke to, some of whom have been sharing mental COVID conspiracy theories, I could hide them but I don’t see why I should have to just to spare their feelings. So I just get rid. Some of them I’ve actually known for years, and having challenged them at least once already I couldn’t be arsed so I unfriended them.

It’s just facebook.

category12 · 01/08/2020 08:58

Why do you have to be friends as couples? Confused

Your bloke can be mates with his mate (+ her or not) and you don't have to bother with them if you don't want to.

Dery · 01/08/2020 09:19

I initially thought - just go but with low expectations. But your updates show that there’s been specific unfriendliness to you so I’m with you - they don’t get to be overtly hostile and then demand quality time with you. It’s a shame your H isn’t supporting you in this. I’d be gutted if my H wanted to remain friends with someone who treated me badly.