Should I stay in a sexless relationship?

[georginabee]

I know that the only person that can really answer the question above is me... however to be respectful to my boyfriend, I haven't discussed it with friends and and family hence why I'm posting on mumsnet to gather opinions of others anonymously.

So, I'm 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend coming up to 5 years now. He's 30.

In the first two years of our relationship I think we had sex nearly everyday and then after that it has slowly dwindled.

Because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm happy to be open and honest, I feel I have created a bad situation by trying to talk with him about how I feel down about our sex life. Every now and then I will bring it up and try to talk to him about it but since doing this he has become more closed and it has not improved anything... if anything it's worse!

I feel disheartened to hear my girlfriends talk about how their boyfriends can't get enough of them and wish I was as confident to be able to think that too.

He makes no comments or indication that he fancies me in the slightest.

When I have tried to talk to him over the years he has come up with many reasons why we don't have sex regularly and I do believe that they are probably excuses.
Some of which include: we go to bed too late, I'm too tired, my new job might be making me tired, my medication might be affecting me, my legs hurt etc...
And the reasons he gives have all changed over time depending on the situation we are in at the time.
The most recent excuse was that I don't cuddle him, so following that I made effort to cuddle him and still nothing...

Every time we discuss it he always insists he does fancy me and wants to, but his words sadly do not match his actions.

We have not had sex at all for six months now.

And I wonder if we are compatible as I've come to realise that sex is important to me.

I'm not saying I'm perfect at all, I have now become resentful of the situation.

I'm at an age now where I'm thinking about getting married and I wonder... should I marry a man that I don't have any intimacy with and doesn't make me feel attractive?

Our life otherwise is great, I'm so lucky that we have a wonderful house, we go on amazing holidays, we live well together. I know he loves me... and should I throw all that away thinking life is too short and the grass is greener?

Please let me know your thoughts, have you been in a similar situation and what happened?

Thank you.

No I wouldn’t; I can imagine that over time and with DC it becomes more complicated but you’re young and you can meet someone who needs your needs. If you stay with this guy you’re committing to pretty much never having sex again.
Additionally you don’t mention DC so if you do want them how would that happen?

Noooooo!!! You are way too young for this. Get out ASAP.

I wouldn’t stay in this relationship.

Nope. Walk away. It’s not just no sex is it? He’s shit at communicating, is making out like this change in his behaviour is your fault and you don’t feel he fancies you.

Amazing shagging is waiting for you elsewhere. You deserve to feel a million dollars and a partner who adores you. You won’t find him while wasting your life with this bloke.

Definitely DO NOT marry him!!!! Why on earth would you? Don’t settle. There is no perfect age to marry.

And yes, of course the grass is greener than no sex and crap communication.

You don't want to end up in my boat. Been together 15yrs, married, 2 dc, since ds who is now 3 was conceived we have had sex twice. I think to be honest we are friends zoned. I don't want to never have sex again. But I don't particularly want to have sex with dh. It would almost feel wrong. I am not sure where we'll end up, when the kids are older and it's just us. In your boat i would split up. This is the rest of your life. You need a spark.

Get out. It will be hard initially but do not waste your life on somebody you have no intimacy with

i’m in this boat now, get out.

You're too young to live this way, OP.
I had a close friend go through a similar situation. 7 years down the line, they were never having sex. She was miserable. She had tried every way to engage him. He wouldn't ever give a solid reason for his behaviour.
After many back and forths, she ended the relationship.
They had a lovely life together, otherwise, but the lack of intimacy and interest from her partner really took its toll on her.
He's now in a new relationship. She's still single and has poured so much work into herself. I'm so proud of her, she's becoming a really full person without him.

Absolutely not. This will not improve.

Things do change in relationships, and your not as you were when you first met
But
30 and no sex for 6 mths, no no

He knows how you feel, so he should be making an effort to get it back on track.

If everything other than sex you can live with is fine
Then
You need THE TALK
No sex No relationship

No go unless it’s health reasons and both talked about as we have done, I couldn’t imagine anyone else except my dh we’ve been sexless for about four years but we’re happy you are not, makes a huge difference, we’re also older I’m 54 now.

I would end the relationship, he is full of excuses and he is not telling you exactly why he does not want sex with you. Do not further be his beard.

I was in this boat until recently. It eats away at your self esteem. It’s confusing when you both love each other but, honestly, I don’t think there’s a solution. Maybe specialist sex therapy? Your partner needs to be totally honest with you, even if it hurts you, because the alternative will hurt even more. Only when he’s honest can you consider solutions.

78 YO - maybe
28 YO - hell no!
Don't settle for this.
He's not even trying to make the effort.
Has he seen his GP about it?
Has he tried viagra?
Please don't waste your young fertile years on this guy.
He doesn't care that you aren't happy about this because he is doing literally nothing to improve the situation.
You could try sex therapy - would he be open to that?
Unfortunately, I think he probably watches a lot of porn and just has a quick wank.
Men like this just can't be asked with all the effort of actually having to go through all the montions of closeness, intimacy, foreplay, and when sex happens the death grip release isn't there and ED kicks in.
It's too much effort when they already have a quick fix.
It's easier to have a quick wank.
I would put money on this TBH!

Don’t go there OP. I’m stuck in a sexless marriage, it’s been 8 years now. I am angry, resentful and it’s destroyed our marriage. I’m staying for now because we have young DC but it’s miserable. Get out before you have those ties would be my advice.

Absolutely not. I was in a sexless marriage and I didn’t realise how much of a loss it was until I was out of it. I have a new partner who loves and adores sex. I will never ever go back

The default response on MN seems to be LTB! OP, sit him down and have a proper good conversation. See what he says. It may be salvageable but it can’t continue the way it is.

Please don't. It will kill your confidence and resentment will build if it's not already. I had a baby with mine and we got engaged and ended up calling off the wedding. It was a horrible time but I'm glad we split and I'm now having the best sex of my life with my new partner at 44 years old!

She’s had a proper conversation with him and he gave her a long list of varying nebulous excuses including needing more hugs and having sore legs

I’m not a serial LTB merchant but this is clearly dead on its tired feet. Far too many women on here and out in the real world are miserable because their standards are pitifully low.

Our life otherwise is great, I'm so lucky that we have a wonderful house, we go on amazing holidays, we live well together. I know he loves me... and should I throw all that away thinking life is too short and the grass is greener

Well that depends what matters most to you OP, authenticity and happiness or false surface security and image.

Should you marry someone who most certainly is making excuses and live in the pretence of happiness??

For me not a fucking chance, but again it depends on what you value the most. Image and lifestyle or true intimacy and connection.

Your thinking is very two dimensional OP; what's to say with the right person you can't have both!?

If you were married I’d say stay but since you’re not, get out of there. You have made no vowels before God to this man

I don’t understand something here... if that would be other way around, half people would be shouting that this is a sexual abuse etc. and than a man should understand that you don’t want sex, etc. As you are a woman, Everyone is advising you to just leave your partner. That’s crazy!
I know from my own experience that if an individual doesn’t want sex there is a deeper problem in the relationship so I’d rather concentrate on that.

God no. OP, run away as fast as you can.

if that would be other way around, half people would be shouting that this is a sexual abuse etc. and than a man should understand that you don’t want sex, etc

Not at all. Many times men have posted here about similar issues where they have genuinely tried to resolve the issue and most people say they are fine to end the relationship over a lack of sex. What they can’t do is stay in the relationship and moan about it or try to force the issue!

If you want sex you really shouldn't stay in a sexless relationship. You will resent him. Life is too short to be with someone you resent.