Should I stay in a sexless relationship?

[georginabee]

I know that the only person that can really answer the question above is me... however to be respectful to my boyfriend, I haven't discussed it with friends and and family hence why I'm posting on mumsnet to gather opinions of others anonymously.

So, I'm 28 years old and have been with my boyfriend coming up to 5 years now. He's 30.

In the first two years of our relationship I think we had sex nearly everyday and then after that it has slowly dwindled.

Because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm happy to be open and honest, I feel I have created a bad situation by trying to talk with him about how I feel down about our sex life. Every now and then I will bring it up and try to talk to him about it but since doing this he has become more closed and it has not improved anything... if anything it's worse!

I feel disheartened to hear my girlfriends talk about how their boyfriends can't get enough of them and wish I was as confident to be able to think that too.

He makes no comments or indication that he fancies me in the slightest.

When I have tried to talk to him over the years he has come up with many reasons why we don't have sex regularly and I do believe that they are probably excuses.
Some of which include: we go to bed too late, I'm too tired, my new job might be making me tired, my medication might be affecting me, my legs hurt etc...
And the reasons he gives have all changed over time depending on the situation we are in at the time.
The most recent excuse was that I don't cuddle him, so following that I made effort to cuddle him and still nothing...

Every time we discuss it he always insists he does fancy me and wants to, but his words sadly do not match his actions.

We have not had sex at all for six months now.

And I wonder if we are compatible as I've come to realise that sex is important to me.

I'm not saying I'm perfect at all, I have now become resentful of the situation.

I'm at an age now where I'm thinking about getting married and I wonder... should I marry a man that I don't have any intimacy with and doesn't make me feel attractive?

Our life otherwise is great, I'm so lucky that we have a wonderful house, we go on amazing holidays, we live well together. I know he loves me... and should I throw all that away thinking life is too short and the grass is greener?

Please let me know your thoughts, have you been in a similar situation and what happened?

Thank you.

No I wouldn't but I have done in the past as I got used to just having that kind of non sexual life. But my last two partners have been much more into sex and it's been so much more fun/fulfilling to have something where there is a real connection plus intimacy. I urge you to find this if you can.

Leave while you still can. I had similar thoughts early on in our marriage, and should have also left. He has no sex drive. We have been married 14.5 years, and haven’t had sex for 7 years - since my youngest was conceived. I’m in too deep to leave. Huge mortgage and two kids, And my self esteem is destroyed. I now actually hate him and spend weekends trying to avoid him. I fantasise about meeting someone who will sweep me off my feet. I wish I had trusted my gut early on and left him. It’s a shitty way to live.

I would get out bc this relationship is done, 6 months is NOT normal unless you had a baby maybe...

Also is he checked out of the relationship? He may be a "time waster". Aka he is done with the relationship but it's convenient. He'll not fully commit to anything then dump u at 34 and be married with kids within 2 years

Don't sleep walk through your late twenties! you should be having fun and meeting someone whose a better match !

I left and I’m glad I did. Had a lot of sex and another long term relationship and now happily single by choice. Relationships without sex only work if it’s what both people want.

No, absolutely don’t. You’re way too young & it just sounds like for whatever reason you’re not compatible anymore. Having been in a similar relationship, it really takes its toll & once children are involved (if indeed you’re thinking of going down that route) it just makes things so much harder. Counselling could be a good place to start though?

Because I do love him it makes it complicated. I have asked if he would go speak to someone or we go together as a couple but he won't.

f that would be other way around, half people would be shouting that this is a sexual abuse etc. and than a man should understand that you don’t want sex

Rubbish. I dont know of many (or actually any) men in their 20s who would stay in a completely sexless relationship. It simply wouldnt happen in the first place so why on earth should OP stay just because she is female? Or is it that old cliche that sex is only important to men? Well fck that. Literally. If you arent having any sex in your 20s for goodness sake then something is very wrong. You may as well just be friends instead.

OP- leave, find someone who finds you desirable and sexy and wants you. We all deserve that.

If sex is important to you then you need to find what is right for you, and it sounds like this isn't it. I didn't and am in a sexless marriage. My husband is a good man, we have children (not babies) but we have a now none existent sex life which can be soul destroying (after a couple of years being together it became every few months - the children came after the reduction - now it is never) . I'm stuck (as I say my husband is a good man and we have children), do not make that mistake.

If he won't seek help and he won't do anything to address it despite repeated conversations, then it leaves you few options -

1. Accept a sexless life. You will need to do something to shore up your self-worth if you're facing a lifetime of sexual rejection so invest in heavy duty counselling for yourself.

1. End the relationship and go through the short term but undeniable pain of the break up.

1. Give a genuine ultimatum that unless he seeks help, you will leave. You have to be serious about following through. (Risk: it may get better for a short time then regress. Which leaves you more years down the line.)

1. Ask for an open relationship. (Risk: if he goes for it, your relationship might fall apart or you might fall for your extra-curricular anyway. Also implications if he refuses). Plus that's probably not the sort of relationship you want.

Sex is the glue that holds the relationship together. The fact that he won’t communicate with you or get help means the situation is unlikely to change. He doesn’t seem to have taken your happiness or self-esteem into consideration at all. In your shoes I would leave in pursuit of a relationship with an amazing fulfilling sex life.

"Because I do love him it makes it complicated. I have asked if he would go speak to someone or we go together as a couple but he won't".

If he won't go to counselling then go on your own.

I was also thinking along the lines the poster birdy suggested; i.e. he is a time waster. He's done with this relationship but you are convenient to him.

You may well love him but he does not love or respect you enough to address his issues nor is he being completely honest with you as to why he does not want sex with you. Presumably he has not properly told you why he does not want counselling either and gave you more excuses. I would walk away now before you get even more hurt.

@hellsbellsmelons
That does sound like a lot of work doesn't it ... but boy it's worth it 😬

No, leave the relationship.
I’ve been with my partner 20 years and married for 12. Sex life great at the start but in last 10 years bet we’ve made live no more than 10 times and I worry that he clearly doesn’t find me attractive any more and it’s causing me untold stress.