New job has made me find myself, I want out

[AnnoyingGoat]

So I’ve been in a relationship for 13 years, 2 small DC. This year I began a new job, something I’ve always wanted to do. * I’m feeling more like myself than I have in at least a decade. I feel liberated and my independence as a woman has come back.
Anyway, I want to end my relationship. I’m worried it will come completely out of the blue for OH. Because we’ve been plodding along for so long, I’m worried what he will think.
How do I start this conversation?

I’m not overly worried about money for myself, but for him if he agrees to move out and rent so I can keep the house.

It’s an unbalanced relationship in regards to home life. I do everything at home and for the DC. I’m happy to work it out so it’s fair with kids time being split. He’s a good dad. Just a bit of a shit OH, but nothing terrible.
I’m probably partly to blame, I just CANNOT face another decade of not quite being happy. There’s no big reason to split. I just think time is being called.
Is this enough? I do not want to try and make it work. I want out.

Any advice on conversation starters? What do we need to discuss? Where do I stand on the house?

Help a sister out

• [Post edited at OP's request to remove identifying details]

Have you first tried talking to him about the problems in your marriage. You know you can still have some independence even within a marriage, it doesn't always have to be about "us". You never know your DH may have some thoughts on the issues as well but just hasn't said anything.

I suppose the question that comes up for me however is do you still love your DH as you don't mention it in your initial post.

If I’m totally honest, no I don’t think I love him, and I think that probably shows. He’s not a terrible person, but in the back of my mind I think it always felt like it wasn’t supposed to be long long term. But the wheels were set in motion when I got pregnant after a year or so. It just catapulted us into a life I don’t think either of us wanted at the time. We’ve got a decent life, but there’s no emotional connection and it’s pretty lifeless in the bedroom

if he agrees to move out and rent
That may be an issue. Once the genie is out of the bottle he may become uncooperative. I think you need to be a bit more realistic about how that would affect him and anticipate some expense. Not that I'm trying to put you off. If you want to end it then do, but expect him to be hurt and angry. It is unlikely to go all your way. Good luck.

Well it will be a shock. You need to limit the first discussion your decision to split. Don’t get pulled into arguments about money and the house. There is no definite resolution to who gets what at this stage. Don’t start arguing over theoretical settlements. The reality is that you will both struggle with money,

I’m not sure how it would go tbh. If you are deciding to leave the relationship despite there being no unreasonable behaviour, why should he move out and not you? Is the house yours?
From his perspective it is you who are wanting to change things but why should he be the one who has all of the inconvenience? I would imagine a bit of shock followed by a bit of pushback from him.

The house may need to be sold and money evenly split. Can you afford to buy him out?

Are you married? Do you jointly own the house or is it in your or his sole name?

Thanks for your replies.
We’re on a joint mortgage, not married. Deposit was wholly mine. I need about 12-14k to buy him out. It’s possible I could source this from family, but that hasn’t been discussed obviously.
I’ve checked many a time whether I’m entitled to benefits, I can afford all my outgoings and wouldn’t expect him to pay any maintenance as hoping for 50:50 with the kids. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a year or two.
He’s a nice guy, but I understand there will be some push back.
If push comes to shove and we have to sell, I’m confident I can buy a little house on my own.
In 13 years, we’ve never actually been able to have any kind of serious discussion without an explosion. Which is partly why I feel the way I do. I can’t broach a subject and always end up the one being sorry. So I’m prepared for the worst.

Would it be worth finding an appropriate marriage counsellor or mediator to help have “the conversation” so he’s less likely to blow up about it? It worries me that he’s going to get abusive or violent - is that your concern? If so forget talking to him and plan a safe exit with Women’s Aid etc.

How about him, does he think the marriage is fine, is he absolutely happy with his day to day life? Could you frame it as him not being happy?

("Explosion", from a good guy? Seems contradictory.)

did you ringfence your deposit?

Ditto deed of trust for the deposit?

Have you bought the house as joint tenants or tenants in common? Or ring fenced your deposit?

The answer to those will let you know if your 12-14k buy out figure is actually reasonable. Depending on the above, and the equity, he may be entitled to more.

Sorry I’ve not been on this thread for so long.
Been doing some thinking when I can.
I pulled the plug last night, met with accusations and anger (as expected) I can’t live like this anymore and I . AM . DONE
We’re having a “chat” slanging match on his part tonight while the kids are sleeping at grandparents.
I’ll let you know how THAT goes.
But thank you for all your advice ^^
Ive gone past giving a shit about the house, if I have to move then so be it. I’d rather that than what I’ve got now.x

Well done for having the chat....good luck for tonight, let us know how it goes.

Good for you OP. Life is too short to be trapped in a relationship that is dead. I say that as someone who didn't have the guts to end a relationship... luckily ex did have the guts. Looking back I'm very grateful he put an end to the relationship.

Good luck tonight.

Thank you lovely ladies
I’m surrounded by supportive friends and family and that’s all I need x

What the fuck @crestar? Did you find a wormhole from Victorian Britain? What a spectacularly vile post.

@crestar not interested in your negative nelly rubbish. Get a life and stop trying to put people on a downer.
👋🏻 BYE GIRL

@crestar are you on glue ??????
So the op is supposed to stay with a partner she no longer loves to please the likes of you ?!

How did the chat go last night op? I hope you're ok.

If you own the house as joint tenants with no dded of trust to state otherwise you owe him 50% of the equity to buy him out if you want to remain. Can you do so ?

That's not what i said.

And as for why Mumsnet would delete the comment is beyond me.

What i said was that if her partner had made the post then he would have been accused that there was almost certainly someone else behind the scenes.

Indeed - there is a a thread currently running about someones boyfriend leaving her. The SECOND comment on that thread is that there will be someone else on the scene.

Shame on you Mumsnet for your double standards once again again including from Mumsnet MNHQ.