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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister's boyfriend and poor hygience/lack of pride in himself

52 replies

Maxine3477 · 31/07/2020 11:04

Ok, so my sister has been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 or 9 months.
They met at uni and for the first few months everything seemed great and she was really happy with him. He's always been respectful, polite, decent towards her and is full of compliments and lovely presents for her all the time.
However..... over the last couple of months he's started neglecting his personal hygiene to the extent when they meet in public she says "you've hot bad breath... There's a shop, just go and buy some toothpaste and cheap toothbrush"..That's how bad things have become. She gets horribly embarrassed by his bad smells or grubby appearance. Or he turns up stinking of dirt, with mess ground in to his jeans, unwashed face, dirty nails.. Yuk. In the early days of the relationship he used to take such a lot of pride and care in his appearance and hygiene was never a problem.
He's also started turning up dressed in what's best described as rags, tshirts full of holes, food stains, ripped trousers, shoes with the soles hanging off. Not to be rude, but he look like a homeless person who lives on the streets.
He's also started "sleeping in the bus station" in other not to be late for work. He works really far from his flat, in a different town that's akward to reach. So he finishes work, eats fast food then spends the nights sleeping in the bus station near his work. Rather than risk being late or having to pay bus fares all week.
He rents a flat alone and my sister says his flat is relatively comfortable but he lives like a pig. She cares about him and has dropped LOTS of hints for him to clean up his act otherwise she will dump him. He always cries and promises "I'll wash, I'll clean my teeth.. I'll do it for you..". He needs to do it for himself, not her! My sister is only 20 and is in the prime of her life, a beautiful girl with her whole life ahead of her but she's settling for someone like this. He's always asking her to "lend" him money as well. He asks for £20 a few times a week but never pays it pack. Sometimes he buys her a box of chocs to say thanks but that's it. She's a student and he seems to be sponging off her. It's reall sad.
Whenever he comes to our family home for Sunday lunch or parties etc he leaves behind a horrible smelly of dirt, sweat. It's horrible. He's only in his mid 20s, he's a good looking guy with good friends, good education and good job but he just seems to live like a sponger and a slob.

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 31/07/2020 11:06

He sounds like he's in a mentally terrible place, how horrible for him and also for her when as you say, she's only 20. I'd be upset if it was my sister too.

HOWEVER - it's not your business. You can support her if she needs someone to listen, you can open a door to a conversation at most ("Is Derrick ok...?") but you can live her life for her.

Fedup21 · 31/07/2020 11:08

Don’t worry, I wouldn’t imagine the relationship will last long. I certainly couldn’t live with someone with poor personal hygiene.

JizzPigeon22 · 31/07/2020 11:14

He sounds quite ill really bless him.

Doesn’t have to be your sisters problem though.

Smallsteps88 · 31/07/2020 11:18

Best advice for your sister is to move on. This is who he is. And that is certainly not the star she wants to hitch her wagon to for life at 20 years of age. She has the world at her feet. Don’t let her carry this deadweight with her. Cut him loose.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/07/2020 11:18

I agree with PPs, he sounds unwell and possibly homeless. Has she met his family? It may be worth her telling them what's going on.

Maxine3477 · 31/07/2020 11:23

@DioneTheDiabolist

I agree with PPs, he sounds unwell and possibly homeless. Has she met his family? It may be worth her telling them what's going on.
From what my sister tells me, he's totally astranged from his family. His dad lives abroad and his mum gave him up to foster carers. He grew up in different foster homes (never adopted) and hasn't seen his actual mum or siblings for years. My sister knows some his friends and they seem very caring and decent, so might suggest she speaks to them x
OP posts:
Spied · 31/07/2020 11:27

There's definitely some kind of mental health issues there. He sounds very anxious he will be late for work if he's willing to sleep in a bus station!!
I think he needs some kind and f intervention.
I'd find out who to contact and contact them if I was your ds.
The lack of personal care is really a symptom of something much deeper and something beyond what your dsis can help with I fear.

OxenoftheSun · 31/07/2020 11:30

I'd be moving on very quickly in her shoes. It's a brand new relationship, and by what you say, he's suffering from very poor MH, and it's not down to a girlfriend of a few months to sort that.

starfishmummy · 31/07/2020 11:31

Sorry but theres something off here. If he's so dirty what sort of job does he have that no one is saying anything; plus sleeping in the bus station and sponging off your sister? My money is on him having lost his job and home.

justdoityourself · 31/07/2020 11:31

If he rents a flat too far from work surely it makes sense to move closer?

vikingwife · 31/07/2020 11:33

As soon as I read the bus station sleeping it confirmed to me this is a person on a mental health decline. Your sister sounds like she has a lot going for her. I would be encouraging her to end this relationship.

It seems significant to me that he has a tale of woe regarding estranged family & foster care system. This will undoubtedly be playing into your sister’s perception of him, as someone to take care of, to mother him.

It sounds like he has a lot of problems, none of which are your responsibility to solve.

vikingwife · 31/07/2020 11:35

@starfishmummy I thought that to, but Op says her sister has seen his flat & it could be public housing perhaps? He was in the foster care system...

I too am curious about what kind of job he has where being so scruffy is acceptable. even places with progressive equal opportunity employment will pull him aside if his hygiene is an issue.

amillionwishes · 31/07/2020 11:36

When was the last time your sister visited his flat? Or called him at work? He sounds like he's homeless and doesn't have a job.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 31/07/2020 11:42

I would wager he's been evicted and is sofa surfing/sleeping rough. He sounds in the middle of a mental health crisis as well. Until he admits he needs help though there isn't much your sister can do. X

Maxine3477 · 31/07/2020 11:43

I think she visited his flat quite recently. It's above a takeaway. He pays the takeaway owner a weekly amount and that includes bills.
Don't think she's ever phoned him at work. He was at some kind of computer repair place, not sure of the exact details but she did mention he's been having issues at work recently. I would imagine it' could be do to with his hygiene/scruffy appearance. He's never really told her WHAT the "issues" at work are but I can't imagine it to be about the quality of his work as he's really good at what he does and has a lot of knowledge.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/07/2020 11:45

Is she sure he still has the flat, sounds like he is unemployed and homeless to me.

Shortfeet · 31/07/2020 11:45

Poor guy.
I'm
Not sure your sister can help
Him

vikingwife · 31/07/2020 11:49

He could be good at what he does but that wouldn’t prevent his work slipping if he was having mental health issues (which he clearly is). So it could be a combination of work performance / tardiness / hygiene?

Nobody in their right frame of mind would choose to sleep at a bus stop & not their bed.

binkyblinky · 31/07/2020 11:57

I hope you can get him some help. He sounds very poorly 😢

Scratchyback · 31/07/2020 12:05

Agree with the majority of other posters - he doesn’t sound well or sound as if he’s coping well with life. Poor fella. Can your sister help him get help? If he has no family she may be all the support he has. Has he lost his job/home and isn’t saying?

MyOwnSummer · 31/07/2020 12:06

Thats pretty grim - I feel sorry for him, but no way should this be your sister's problem. The sponging is one of the biggest issues here, she really needs to stop giving him money. It isn't her job to fix him, only he can do that.

Brightyellow · 31/07/2020 12:11

It’s no wonder he’s not keeping clean and tidy if he’s sleeping in a bus station. I agree that there are mental health issues here or in fact he has lost his home and/or job.

1forAll74 · 31/07/2020 12:14

If your Sister likes this man, and you are friendly with him too, can you not kind of have an open friendly chat to him about everything that seems to a bad situation for him. It would put all minds at rest,if you knew more about things that were going on.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/07/2020 14:53

Initially as I was reading I was thinking "he clearly wants to end the relationship but is too much of an emotional coward to do so" but I now think as per PPs that there's something else going on. But if he's not able to be honest with his girlfriend, then there's not really anything she can do apart from break up with him.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2020 15:09

The sleeping in the bus station, presenting like he’s homeless, asking for money constantly, indicates He is exactly what he presents as, a homeless unemployed person.

Otherwise there is a very significant mental health issue here. I suspect it’s the former due to his constant requests for money.