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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister's boyfriend and poor hygience/lack of pride in himself

52 replies

Maxine3477 · 31/07/2020 11:04

Ok, so my sister has been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 or 9 months.
They met at uni and for the first few months everything seemed great and she was really happy with him. He's always been respectful, polite, decent towards her and is full of compliments and lovely presents for her all the time.
However..... over the last couple of months he's started neglecting his personal hygiene to the extent when they meet in public she says "you've hot bad breath... There's a shop, just go and buy some toothpaste and cheap toothbrush"..That's how bad things have become. She gets horribly embarrassed by his bad smells or grubby appearance. Or he turns up stinking of dirt, with mess ground in to his jeans, unwashed face, dirty nails.. Yuk. In the early days of the relationship he used to take such a lot of pride and care in his appearance and hygiene was never a problem.
He's also started turning up dressed in what's best described as rags, tshirts full of holes, food stains, ripped trousers, shoes with the soles hanging off. Not to be rude, but he look like a homeless person who lives on the streets.
He's also started "sleeping in the bus station" in other not to be late for work. He works really far from his flat, in a different town that's akward to reach. So he finishes work, eats fast food then spends the nights sleeping in the bus station near his work. Rather than risk being late or having to pay bus fares all week.
He rents a flat alone and my sister says his flat is relatively comfortable but he lives like a pig. She cares about him and has dropped LOTS of hints for him to clean up his act otherwise she will dump him. He always cries and promises "I'll wash, I'll clean my teeth.. I'll do it for you..". He needs to do it for himself, not her! My sister is only 20 and is in the prime of her life, a beautiful girl with her whole life ahead of her but she's settling for someone like this. He's always asking her to "lend" him money as well. He asks for £20 a few times a week but never pays it pack. Sometimes he buys her a box of chocs to say thanks but that's it. She's a student and he seems to be sponging off her. It's reall sad.
Whenever he comes to our family home for Sunday lunch or parties etc he leaves behind a horrible smelly of dirt, sweat. It's horrible. He's only in his mid 20s, he's a good looking guy with good friends, good education and good job but he just seems to live like a sponger and a slob.

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 31/07/2020 15:13

Is she sure he still has the flat, sounds like he is unemployed and homeless to me.

I was thinking the same thing. Poor young man sounds, as if he's in a desperate state. It's heartbreaking but ultimately only he can sort himself out or seek help. I hope your sister is OK - that's some really heavy stuff for such a young girl to be caught up in.

user1481840227 · 31/07/2020 15:14

It's possible he has a friend who owns that flat and they occasionally let him stay or use the flat if they're not there.

It really sounds like he is homeless, or if not there's obviously mental health issues at play.

Sk191 · 31/07/2020 15:16

I agree with the previous posters, it sounds like he may have lost his job/flat and isnt being honest about it. It sounds like an awful situation for him and you sister if I'm honest. Is it possible for her to have an open conversation with him and ask him.if there is something more at foot? Hope he can find a way to get the support he needs

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2020 15:20

Agree it might be someone else’s flat. As the relationship is only a few months old I’d suspect she’s hooked up with a homeless dude.

zafferana · 31/07/2020 15:21

Well if he's sleeping in the bus station and not going home no wonder he smells bad! There is something very strange going on here though. Why would someone who has a home to go to sleep in the bus station? Either he's been sacked and is now homeless or he's struggling with a MH issue. What sort of job does he have that he can turn up filthy and smelly and not be fired on the spot?

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/07/2020 15:23

Could the university help?

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2020 15:29

Why would the uni help?

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/07/2020 15:34

The OP says they met at uni. If he was a student, then student support may be able to contact him and help with housing and MH problems.

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2020 15:38

Not if he’s left uni.

DioneTheDiabolist · 31/07/2020 15:41

I didnt know her left. Must have missed that post.Blush

Gentl3menJack · 31/07/2020 15:56

Definitely sounds like he's lost his job and therefore his flat. And his mental health must be atrocious to be living like this.

I'm not sure your sister should necessarily break up with him. Perhaps set a condition that he goes to his GP with her so they can both give an account of what's been happening.

Lovemusic33 · 31/07/2020 16:50

Does sound like he has lost his job and flat but doesn’t want to tell her, he obviously needs help but that doesn’t mean she has to be the one to help him.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 31/07/2020 16:55

I'd be really worried - who sleeps in a bus shelter when they've got a home? It sounds as though he's list his flat or job or both and is really in a desperate place.

Windmillwhirl · 31/07/2020 16:56

Agree there are mental health issues likely at play here.

No one sleeps rough by choice. Does he even have a home anymore?

RantyAnty · 31/07/2020 17:35

Your DSis doesn't have to still date him but possibly you both could talk to him as a friend, and find out what is really going on and connect him with resources.

2bazookas · 31/07/2020 17:46

sounds like he lost his job and has a mental health problem.

SoulofanAggron · 31/07/2020 17:48

There is something wrong with him. Otherwise, even if he was homeless/jobless, he'd choose to have a shower at hers when he visits.

It also isn't normal to cry when she brings it up, maybe. A lot of people would just go 'ah ok, sorry, pressure of work and all that' or whatever and have a wash.

mornington222 · 31/07/2020 19:05

Your sister ending the relationship might be the prod he needs to sort himself out.

Roguesausage · 31/07/2020 19:21

There’s so much wrong here I don’t know where to start.

This man is financially abusing your sister. He is also emotionally abusing her by crying and guilting her into staying. It’s likely that there are other types of abuse happening also.

You said when they met 8 months ago he was clean and tidy and now he’s wearing rags. We all know that clothes don’t deteriorate like that within a few months. I have had particular items of clothing for over ten years. For whatever reason he is choosing to wear these clothes when he obviously has clothes that are in good clean condition.

I don’t believe he sleeps in the bus station. I believe he is probably a drug user who is begging.

Whatever the problem is I would want my sister away from him. I’d also resent him coming to my home stinking everywhere so would probably tell her to stop bringing him.

JRUIN · 31/07/2020 19:37

No one of sound mind sleeps in a bus station just to avoid being late for work. He has either lost his flat or is suffering with a severe mental illness or both. I'm surprised neither you or your sister have suspected this.

IseeIsee · 31/07/2020 20:17

Could he be on drugs?

MissNotMrs · 31/07/2020 20:27

He sounds completely skint. Has he money issues? Are you sure he actually has a place to live? Is he definitely working?

He doesn't sound in a great place mentally, not had the most positive starts to life. Bless him

I really think he needs help

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/07/2020 20:50

As pps have said drugs, mental illness or both.

SoulofanAggron · 31/07/2020 21:18

I don’t believe he sleeps in the bus station.

@Roguesausage I wondered that too- I thought maybe it might be an excuse so she couldn't come over.

Roguesausage · 31/07/2020 21:51

It sounds to me that he has gone to great lengths to cultivate a pitiful image of himself as someone experiencing extreme poverty.Clothing does not turn into rags within months. It just doesn’t. Yet this man has a flat and a full time job.

Your sister really does not know this man very well at all after 8 months. I’d be extremely wary of his vague stories that make no sense and his constant cadging.I would have a straight talk about this relationship. He isn’t functioning as an adult and it’s not your sisters job to nurture him back to some sort of normality.

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