Marriage hanging on by a thread

[angelofmum]

I've posted before about being married to a very busy lawyer and how he has little time for anything but his job. Recently things have got so bad that I almost feel like I hate and resent him. All he does is work, that's literally it. I could walk past him naked and I don't think he'd even look up from his computer. Since lockdown he's been working from home and other lawyers or those married to one said it is mental at the moment. I've been with DH 10yrs and we have 3 DC's and the demands of his job have definitely got worse. He started at 8am this morning and has only just finished now, which is early for him. He's hardly moved from his desk all day except to hurriedly bath the DC's so he could get straight back to it.
I feel unappreciated, ignored, invisible, like I get zero attention, he doesn't give me any emotional support. It was my birthday last week and he acted like everything was such a stress as he was busy with work and celebrating my birthday, which is important to me (the one day a year I actually get made a fuss of) was an inconvenience to him. Honestly I think we'd be happier on our own, even though he says otherwise. He says he gets how demanding his job is but I basically have to put up with it as I knew what he was like when I met him. Some women could tolerate it I'm sure, but I'm not materialistic and no amount of money in the world is worth killing yourself for and destroying relationships along the way.
I feel so stuck and fed up. We've both talked until we're blue in the face but ultimately nothing is going to change with his job. I've started liking attention from other men now. I'm in my mid 30's and feel that if my DH made more of an effort with me I wouldn't feel the need to boost my self-esteem (I'm not talking about an affair, literally just male attention). Do I split my family up because I'm so unhappy and make my DC's unhappy or just carry on as we are, accept I'm on my own 90% of the time and enjoy the good times when they fleetingly occur?

God, you can’t live like this just to keep the family together for the children. You are young, and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and respected and made a fuss of sometimes.

Your children will be fine. Can you honestly say that you will if you stay?

When he's not as busy he is a bit more attentive, although I find him distracted a lot of the time thinking about work. The DC's hero worship him and he does make an effort with them on the weekend when he's not working. It's me who comes bottom of the pecking order. He works hard, he's tired, makes a bit of effort with the kids and has no reserves left for me. It's horrible to feel lonely in a marriage - I think about leaving him a lot recently, but coming from a broken home myself I wouldn't want that for my kids.
On the flip side I do know though that two happy parents are better than two miserable ones😞

Completely agree that this is no way to live at all. Do you think he understands quite how seriously you feel about this? Or you think he doesn’t quite appreciate how unholy you are!

Is he prepared to work on it and do counselling to fix it etc?

@angelofmum, whilst I can't say I know what you're going through, or offer advice, reading your bit about being lonely in a marriage really hit home to me.
I split up with my exH at 32 after 15 years together, and the last 4 or so years of the marriage were the loneliest I've ever felt.
Being single and living alone was nowhere near as lonely as feeling unloved in a marriage.

What ever you decide, look after you.
Your DC will be fine, even if it takes time, they will adjust.
Good luck, and take care x

*unhappy you are

If it helps OP I know you're not the first W

Start again...!

You're not the first wife of a lawyer to feel like this & won't be the last. It's almost like a cult how important the work/clients/fees/chasing new clients is.

Either he gets it that it's miserable for you or he doesn't. Can you make more of a life for you to show him what it's like if you're having fun with other people (not an affair, doing stuff with friends) & he's just working?

Talking obviously won't make any difference.

You need to take control though & try & improve things for you. It's going to be a miserable life for you otherwise & that seems a shame as you are still young.

I've worked in 2 very large law firms. Lots of the men are like this & q a few of the women. I'm not. I've got a better balance but I don't have the trappings of a "successful legal career" I have a 3 bed semi! Good luck op xx

Ask yourself - given you have discussed this with him till you’re blue in the face (and he’s pretty much told you to suck it up), then by staying with him you are simply just enabling this situation to continue.

So, fuck that, really and truly. Leave, get divorced and a financial settlement / maintenance and go and enjoy your life. He can then invest the little spare time he has into the kids EOW and you can find a man who genuinely wants to spend time with you, or at the very least, stop spending most of your life resenting the absent workaholic in the spare room.

Do want you feel it right but don’t think the kids will thank you for it. They won’t.

While I understand that you aren’t happy with how much he works now - but is he wrong saying that you knew it before you married?
There are a few professions that are very demanding and time consuming. Lawyer is one of them.
It is a little unfair to go into a marriage with your eyes open, have kids and then decide you don’t like the setup.

You can of course divorce. Or you can fill your life with friends and hobbies, and a career of your own.
While he can’t change how working pattern much - he can of course try to put in a bit more of an effort - date nights? Or something you enjoy doing.
Have you tried talking about that - rather than some big change that isn’t realistic given his profession/career.

Angelofmum I could have written this myself! I'm going through exactly the same with my husband. The loneliness is unreal and I know I deserve so much more. I actually issued an ultimatum 3 weeks ago but nothing has changed so I am seriously considering a trial separation. Like you said there is more to life than work or money. He has not touched me or barely looked at me for months. It is so hurtful, I've been putting up with this misery for 6 years and now I'm in my late 30s. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I'm starting to feel ill I'm constantly run down stressed and not sleeping. Whilst I dont want to hurt my children the thought of carrying on like this into my 40s is unbearable. Cannot really offer any advice as I'm still figuring out how to handle this myself. But wanted you to know you are not alone. Big hugs and best of luck with whatever you decide to do, think the decision side of things is the most difficult part.

Thanks everyone for the advice!
I didn't know when I married him how bad his job was going to get. He was an associate when I met him and is now very senior so with that comes a lot more stress and zero free time. His job does go in waves, he may have a quieter period but these are few & far between. He will then try and catch up on sleep/the gym/spend time with the DC's and then possibly me. I don't think he'd be with me if it wasn't for the kids, he said this in an argument a while back and I can't get over it. To balance it he thinks I'm looking for him to make me happy, but all I want is a "normal" relationship. Some emotional support, warmth, care and someone who meets my needs (physical as well!). It's hard work arguing with a lawyer as he does this for a living and I feel I always end up coming off like I'm the one in the wrong. We had another argument this morning and I told him I'd had enough. I feel sick now at the thought of being on my own and hurting my DC's😞

I don't think he'd be with me if it wasn't for the kids, he said this in an argument a while back

Ouch. Oh dear. I think this is the root of the issue.
If true, your situation is pretty hopeless.

I'm a lawyer (female) and I've been working crazy hours (wfh) since March. That can't be helped especially as I'm the main breadwinner. I wouldn't have been happy if my husband had moaned about me not having time for him regularly. It's just how it is. I make a comfortable sum of money for all of us and I love my career. But we did have 3 days off together this week to celebrate our anniversary including some time on our own without the kids (one is a teen; the other was at holiday club) and it was amazing. We both loved it. Whilst it's fairly rare for us, I agree if we never made the effort to do stuff like this I think we worked both wonder and is the point in being married any more.

Maybe you would be better off apart.

we worked both wonder and is the point in being married any more

Argh! We WOULD both wonder WHAT is the point. Wish there was an edit feature!

Of course he doesn’t want you to split up, it sounds like you don’t work & have facilitated his career. You would arguably be better off emotionally & financially single. You could break up & be financially set for life, depending on how well he’s invested over the years. He will know exactly how much a divorce would cost him & will be trying to minimise that.

I hate it when men excuse lousy behaviour bny saying you knew what I was like when you met me, it is incredibly unhelpful.
You have to roll and change with the marriage.
What is it that you would like to change specifically and realistically that is doable?
He can't change his job or give it up to focus on you but he needs to compromise and do something or he will lose his wife and kids.
I'd love a hysband like that, I don't want some bloke mithering me all day but that's just me.
I think he needs to focus on getting all work done by the weeks end so the weekends are totally free for you and the children.
If he can't do that then he's looking at losing his family.
It's just a shame you had so many children with him really, it's really hard to be a single mother of three children.

I think there's a reason a lot of lawyers find themselves divorced.
I'm very independent and wouldn't want a husband who was in my face all of the time. He is the main breadwinner but I personally can't see how working day and night, not eating properly, not moving from your desk for weeks/months, not being present in your relationship, not seeing your other family/friends is worth it? I'm sure he doesn't like me moaning at him to take a break or get something to eat/fresh air or even acknowledge us but what's the point of being married and having kids in that situation? Other lawyers will know, he doesn't have the type of job you can set your hours it is relentless dependent on your clients/firm. I would like him to set boundaries with WFH and not be answerable to his clients 24/7. I would also like to be able to have a conversation with him without him looking distracted because he's thinking about work.
I'm used to being on my own with the 3 DC's and will probably get more of a break being single as he'd have to have them on the weekend when he's not working.

I was going to suggest similar to your last post OP, that is, get him to set boundaries and prioritise you & his other interests when he stops working....but then I read you said he wouldn't be with you if you didn't have the children.

That's a problem, and means it will probably never improve and when they're grown up things will be difficult for you. Maybe focus on that - do I want to be with this man post-children? If yes, make one last attempt to get him to end his day earlier 2 or 3 times a week, so you can spend some time together at least twice a week and see how - or if - that goes.

Maybe if he moved out for a bit he'd realise what you do for him. In addition to his job he'd have cooking & cleaning & dedicated child time. Do you have a sex life?

Good luck - it sounds miserable. X

Yes I find that comment the hardest to swallow. He said if we didn't have kids we'd have broken up by now. He's worried about messing the kids up by getting divorced (I'm sure he's thinking of his finances too). When things are good he says that he said the above comment in anger and he never wants to be alone as it would be miserable. I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it - live with his kids, keeps his money & picks me up and puts me down when he's not busy. Nothing will change with his job, he can't shorten his hours if he's doing a deal it's all or nothing. Sorry as this is going to offend some people but in my experience being a lawyer is a selfish job. Not all but most are so driven and career focused they will trample on whoever to get to where they want to go and their needs come first. A word of warning if anyone is thinking of marrying one⚠️We've been out for meals with friends of his who are all lawyers and it was farcical. The parents except for me glued to their phones answering calls/emails on a Sunday. Thankfully DH isn't as bad as this but it gives you an idea. Their kids were running riot and stuck in front of an iPad to keep them quiet, when all they wanted was their parents attention. I feel very bitterly towards the job as you can tell.

It sounds miserable and that he is wasting his life. Kids grow up very quickly and he will look back and realise he missed out on their childhood.

However you have tried raising it with him and he's dismissive and doesn't sound like he cares about your relationship. I agree with other posters that you need to work out what will make you happy.

Think very carefully about divorce. How will it work - will you be able to afford to live reasonably, can you work full time and support your family? Are you ready to stand on your own two feet and live without a man at all? I don't want to put a dampener on your thinking but you need to be realistic. It's not automatic that you will meet another man with 3 kids in tow - not straight away at least - so you need to make sure you can do it in your own. There are lots of benefits to being independent and making your own decisions but be realistic about how it will work.

Of course it is do-able. I'm older as are my kids and I've done it. Divorced for 12 years. I've done all the major stuff for the kids - my XH is just a bystander who had the kids EOW until they stopped going. It's not always easy, I'm good cop, bad cop, every cop (and don't expect gratitude) and I do get lonely from time to time despite having good friends. I've had a few relationships but not met someone who I wanted to stay with long term. I have a good job and earn well so I've been able to be independent and have good holidays etc. But of course you are both poorer when you divorce.

Best of luck OP.

Sex life is pretty much non existent as he's busy or tired.

OP I think this is an unsustainable situation to be in. You're not really in a relationship because he isn't available to you. You're just presenting the appearance of a relationship to your kids. He knows this too.

You deserve more than this. I'd be saying, it's me or the job. And leaving if he chooses the job, which he will. You can find someone who meets your needs or you can just be happier alone.

Don’t go on like this. I’m sure you wouldn’t have an affair but you might end up very tempted and believe me you would hate yourself for that.

What exactly does he get out of family life? Do the kids get out of it? If he is so committed to his career then maybe he’d be happier separated too, and the kids would get proper attention from him when they were with him?

Do you still love him?

You won’t be breaking up your family because he isn’t really in your family. Do you really believe it is best for your children to believe this is how a marriage/family life works?