Marriage hanging on by a thread

[angelofmum]

I've posted before about being married to a very busy lawyer and how he has little time for anything but his job. Recently things have got so bad that I almost feel like I hate and resent him. All he does is work, that's literally it. I could walk past him naked and I don't think he'd even look up from his computer. Since lockdown he's been working from home and other lawyers or those married to one said it is mental at the moment. I've been with DH 10yrs and we have 3 DC's and the demands of his job have definitely got worse. He started at 8am this morning and has only just finished now, which is early for him. He's hardly moved from his desk all day except to hurriedly bath the DC's so he could get straight back to it.
I feel unappreciated, ignored, invisible, like I get zero attention, he doesn't give me any emotional support. It was my birthday last week and he acted like everything was such a stress as he was busy with work and celebrating my birthday, which is important to me (the one day a year I actually get made a fuss of) was an inconvenience to him. Honestly I think we'd be happier on our own, even though he says otherwise. He says he gets how demanding his job is but I basically have to put up with it as I knew what he was like when I met him. Some women could tolerate it I'm sure, but I'm not materialistic and no amount of money in the world is worth killing yourself for and destroying relationships along the way.
I feel so stuck and fed up. We've both talked until we're blue in the face but ultimately nothing is going to change with his job. I've started liking attention from other men now. I'm in my mid 30's and feel that if my DH made more of an effort with me I wouldn't feel the need to boost my self-esteem (I'm not talking about an affair, literally just male attention). Do I split my family up because I'm so unhappy and make my DC's unhappy or just carry on as we are, accept I'm on my own 90% of the time and enjoy the good times when they fleetingly occur?

I do love him which is why I've tried to save the marriage. He said was willing to try marriage counselling before, but as he's so busy there's never any time! He thinks working to the extremes is worth the payout. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up having a heart attack in his 50's as working all nighters and not taking care of himself seems to be an accepted part of the job.
I feel depressed as whatever I decide to do the outcome feels bleak. Stay and accept my marriage is what it is or leave and struggle on my own with 3 DC's. I definitely don't think the grass is greener and having been brought up by a single mum I know how hard it is. It's just a shit situation whichever way I look at it. My only focus at the moment is getting my youngest into nursery so I can start working again. Maybe that will help giving me some independence back and some financial control.

It does sounds really hard. To have some present in the house but absent as well. He’s not going to change, is he? So I guess it’s what do you want from your life? Certainly not how it is? Maybe see how it goes when littlest is in nursery. Or try a trial separation. Has he got anywhere he could stay?

I was wondering how young your children were and then you mentioned getting your youngest into nursery. I have 3 DC and DH is in investment banking. During that time of our marriage with very young kids and my taking time for maternity leave 3 times, I often felt like you. Alone with the kids in the marriage.

Do you have a job? Do you have something for yourself? It does get better as the kids get older and DH reaches the "top". At least that has been my experience.

OP and @RacLou82

I feel exactly the same. I could have written your posts. Minus the lawyer bit. My H has no excuse.

Oh and to complicate matters, I’m newly pregnant.

I can’t go on living like this. The thought of wasting the young years I have left makes me want to cry. But the alternative is also scary. I don’t want to lose the house but would struggle to maintain it on my income.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation.

Either way, you are not alone

He thinks working to the extremes is worth the payout

But doesn't he realise it's a false economy if working to these extremes is going to see him losing half that money in a divorce settlement?

OP - you sound tired and also overwhelmed with childcare. Possibly bored and not seeing enough of adults / having time to yourself. It is common, especially with three young children. And even if H was a bit less busy - it’d probably not be much different.
You are, though, in a position to be able to afford help. Can you get more to give you more of a break?

I used to work in a similar place. Everybody around me worked the way your H did. My H-to-be as well. So when we married - I didn’t expect anything different. I gave up work and focused on my kids. H continued working. He also works on deals so it’s up and down when he is around. He takes his computer on holidays and has to work at times.
But for me - it means I have all the time I want with the kids, and freedom to do what I want.
I am pretty independent, so I don’t need to have emotional support from H, or very rarely do in any case.
Sex is an issue if he isn’t up for it due to being tired or stressed. But I am also guessing that if there are constant arguments - it doesn’t help mutual desire and creates a vicious circle.
Hasn’t been an issue in my case. Men often see stress as a way to release tension.

So - not sure what advice I can give you. Being divorced with three children won’t make you instantly happier and will only make your life harder. Your H would only have them EOW. And there will be a bitter fight over finances - he is in a great position for that. You might meet someone else who will be a better partner for you - but we all know it’s not that easy, and having kids complicates matters significantly.
So - in your place I’d be more pragmatic.
I’d try to improve my life and my happiness ok my own. I’d became less reliant on needing him for anything. And who knows - it may actually improve your marriage - men sense when their partners become less attached and it often makes them react as change in a way that nagging/arguments don’t.

You need to get at the reason why. For example, it may really be as simple as work exploding. Or, he may be using that as an excuse to be at his work instead of engaging with his family. Or, he may be very career driven and see that as his priority, or he may just be selfish.

Until you know his answers, you can't know what's really going on and therefore it is difficult to effect change.

Ask him, and persist, he may not even have reflected on his behaviour himself.

If you still love him then don't call it a day just yet. He's a lawyer, he understands brokering a deal, so consider talking to him in that language. It might feel like a business negotiation but you can try concrete requests like 'I need you to have dinner with me for at least 1 hour 3 times a week.' Family life with a workaholic and young kids is a nightmare but as other posters have said, it does get a bit easier. And agree you need to buy hello in if you don't have it already and be as fulfilled as you can in other areas of your life - friendships, interests, work, travel - whatever floats your boat and increases your overall happiness.

*help not hello

Take yourself off for the summer. Go on a road trip or camping holiday with the DC and leave DH behind. Do NOT facilitate him in any way - eg do not stock the freezer - before you go.
Show him a taste of what divorced life feels like.

I replied to your other thread in much more detail... as someone who worked as a Senior Associate in a London banking team I know the sort of man your husband is, if not actually know him depending on his specialism. He cannot and will not give it up - it’s too hard fought and too much of an ego boost. I’ve known many women to give up their careers/ step back/ knowledge role for their children and NO men to do it. You’ve got to decide if you can get in enough help to make you feel more content in the marriage.

It’s why so many lawyers have second wives & families. The first with them on the way up and then the second at a later point in their career when they are more established and richer and can attract someone who wants that lifestyle and will not complain. Or they marry another lawyer and have their kids raised by the nanny.

I used to be a senior city lawyer. I had to take a step back when I had dds because you cannot go on like that. I’m so much happier now but the job is all consuming.

If he gave up his job what is your collective position financially?

What income would you need to have a reasonable lifestyle? Would you need to move to a cheaper house?

I would have that discussion with him - is him choosing to step off treadmill and option?