I ended it

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

I'm not sure if anyone remembers me, but I've posted numerous times about my bully DP, who has cheated for the last 18, lied and gaslit me too.
After Xmas I stopped sleeping with him and have gone grey rock since.

In the last month 2 condoms have gone missing out of my bedside drawer, I confronted him the other night and he lied again and called me, stupid, paranoid and even mentally ill, he also said I'm just making it up. He doesn't know where they went.
There is us two and our 9 year old only in the house, and I haven't used them

In his argument he got personal, went through my family, my childhood and said I'm just miserable because I didn't do well at school and haven't got a proper career.
I didn't want my child and I resent them for being born.
You name it, he said it.

So I said it's over, he cried, got angry and went through all the motions.

I am stuck in the house with him for the time being.
He said he will do whatever it takes to make sure I don't take our child, even quit his job.

Apart from that I feel like I've jumped a massive hurdle.

I stayed strong and played him at his own game.

Well done OP, you must feel so proud of yourself. Hopefully he moves out and leaves you in Peace soon so you can have the nice life you deserve.

Who's house is it?
Who's name is it in?
Well done on telling him it's over.
Now you have to follow this through.

Tell him that the child his half his and he should have 50% custody any way. Tell him you can sit down and discuss the best way to do this. Could be 5 days on and 5 days off. 1 week on and 1 week off. See what he suggests for the resolution to this!
I can almost guarantee he will NOT want 50% custody.
Abusers always threaten this bullshit then take no fucking interest at all and leave it all to the other person.
50:50 is a starting point.
Agree to it. Let him know it means more freedom for you so you are more than happy to ensure he has his fair share!
He will soon back pedal. Just watch the colour drain from his face when you tell him your plans for your free evenings and weekends. Gym. Out with friends. A hobby you enjoy. Alone time at home with Netflix and glass of wine.
He will not want you to have any freedom.
So make sure you play that game!!!!

What hellsbells said.

Well done you.

This man has cheated on you and has now read a book on The Script. Soon he'll be telling you that he's going to kill himself if you don't do whatever it is he wants.

Stick to your guns. Do not listen to soft stories, it's still soft stories. Leopard does not change its spots. Having high tolerance level is very bad in relationships. Get rid off the moment you feel being taken for granted.

You, get yourself away and stay away. Please do not do what I did and keep forgiving them / feel sorry for them or feel bloody guilty. He's already had his 1st, 2nd and last chance with you. 15 Years I wasted by not being strong enough. 💐

Now I've seen the evidence and still being gaslit and manipulated, I guarantee I will not back down, I've already told him that's it for good!

He has already gone down the "I've been suicidal" route. He says he's been suffering with depression and I've abandoned him

He's gone through every trick and seen that I'm not budging.

He will get nasty at some point, so I've packed away my favourite belongings because he will damage my things eventually.

Since lockdown started he has been to his "mates" every night, and 3 condoms have gone missing in total in that time. One in the last 2 weeks.

I find it hilarious if anything. I've been wanting to end it for over a year now, I checked out and have hardened as a result.

He's not very bright is he? Condoms can easily be hidden. If he starts chuntering about taking the DC again - do as hellsbells said. Tell him 50/50 would be great, so much freedom for you etc. He's just using one more tactic to keep you in the status quo. Such a cliche.

Well done OP. You are seeing him for what he is, recognising the cycle of manipulation as he makes his way through it. Stay calm, stay detached. Keep yourself busy looking into your options for the future. Don't worry about finances, you'll get by one way or another, but do make sure you have a close eye on your current financial position. He sounds pretty devious and likely to want to hurt you in any way he can so make sure he doesn't clear out any joint accounts or stop paying any bills he is currently responsible for.
Well done OP, a better time is on its way.

Forgot to say, we joint own the house, there is no equity so I'd even take my name off the deeds.
Not married thank god!

I'm thinking off going full time because whilst I'm here he won't pay me anything and I can't claim benefits. So once I've got that sorted I'll be less worried about finances.

He will get nasty at some point

Correct

So I've packed away my favourite belongings because he will damage my things eventually

Good thinking

What a revolting specimen. Do you have a plan for moving out as I doubt very much he will go?

He will not go and I couldn't afford to stay here anyway.

But he's refusing to let me move out with our child.
I said he can't stop me and he said wanna bet.
He will destroy my life even more if I move out.

You can claim single person benefits if you’ve separated. even if you’re living in the same house. Get the ball rolling and don’t look back!

I thought about that but online it said as far as benefits are concerned, you are not separated unless you have moved out.

He will destroy my life even more if I move out

I don't really see how that's possible.

Why are you telling him what you are going to do instead of cracking on and doing it?

You're keeping him one step ahead of you and in fairness you don't sound as done with this relationship as you think you are.

He has no control over where you go and he also has no control over your parental responsibility to your child unless you are unfit to parent via drugs or alcohol etc.

I wouldn't bother claiming as a single parent until you've moved out, you will end up in hot water.

"Why are you telling him what you are going to do instead of cracking on and doing it?"

This. Stop sharing your plans with him. Apart from anything, he may become physically violent when he sees his normal tactics aren't working.

You are allowed to leave and take your child with you. Once you are safely somewhere new, you can discuss co-parenting with him.

Do you have any family you could live with temporarily?

Sounds like you are on the right path, OP. One day soon you will be free. Can you go FT, save first months rent and deposit and just vanish one day when he is at work?

The thing is our child and him are close so I would have to move close by so he could see his dad as often as he likes.
I am scared of his reaction tbh, he's threatened suicide, he's said I'm ruining our child's nice life.

I have so much guilt about this as it is, telling him it's over has taken me a year of plucking up the courage, so I think it's quite a big hurdle to have jumped for me, given how weak I am.
He really knows how to play my emotions and make it all about him, like it's always been my job/responsibility for his happiness.

Also there are just no houses for rent in our area. So even if I had to leave I couldn't and I have no family near me.

I am going to tell my family too, some people know but my parents don't. I've only ever protected him, well no more!

Suicide threats like this are a way to try and control you. If he is abusive in other ways you should call women's aid for advice.

Well done for ending. Now take the next steps to get yourself free

I remember at least one of your threads Fuckmyliferightnow. I posted in it under a different name. It's great to read youve ended things. Is there anything to rent for interim like a flat or apartment. I know someone who moved into an Airbnb for a few months, but unfortunately not so many options at the moment.

You’ve jumped that first hurdle. Good for you. Keep going