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Relationships

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Original poster

Advice needed on night away with ex and DD

43 replies

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 13:02

Hi all,

So, I've been separated from my ex partner and father of my DD for a year and a half now and although he was a nightmare in the beginning we are now amicable.
For our DDs birthday we didnt want to share the day so we decided on a trip to a theme park just the 3 of us and it went well, no awkwardness or anything.

So then he messaged me last week and asked if I wanted to go with him and DD to another theme park that our DD keeps asking about. The only thing is this one is 4 hours away so I would be concerned it would be an over night stay.

Anyway, I have been in a new relationship for a year and I mentioned this to him and he said hes really not comfortable with the idea. He has 2 kids himself and said it would be damaging for my DD and would do more harm than good because she will think her mum and dad are getting back together.

A part of me does want to go because my DD loves us both being there with her and I want her to have lovely memories of her childhood that her mum and dad did like each other and they were there for her, that's really important to me.

But I'm really unsure what to do, and wondered if anyone has advice or experiences of this?

OP posts:

Lacey2019 · 30/07/2020 13:19

Could your new partner come and his children?

Spied · 30/07/2020 13:23

You have a separate room.
I can't then really see a problem.

Original poster

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 13:24

@Lacey2019 No they are away with their mum at the moment and the ex would not be inviting to my new partner as he couldnt get his head around me meeting him so quickly (6months) after the end of our relationship.

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 30/07/2020 13:27

Nope. Trouble waiting to happen. Avoid.
Cant your daughter go with him alone?

ImaginaryCat · 30/07/2020 13:29

I think your new partner had a very valid point, your DD seeing you and her dad together playing happy families sends quite a mixed signal. It's good for children to see their separated parents getting on and coparenting amicably. But spending time together socially as a family unit is, in my opinion, going to confuse.

Thriceisnice · 30/07/2020 13:29

I think that on a special occasion such as a birthday, it's nice for her to see you getting along, but just a random day out if a bit odd from my persoective

LovingLola · 30/07/2020 13:31

I think your partner is right.

dancemom · 30/07/2020 13:33

Fine for a birthday, I wouldn't for a general day out.

Ex can take her alone surely?

Bunnymumy · 30/07/2020 13:35

I'd also be suspicious of your exs motives. Considering how bad he was when you first split, please remember that that is what he is capable of being like.

I also don't think it would be fair to your current partner. It sounds like your ex is potentially trying to 'one up' someone he sees as the competition.

I think you got lucky having one nice funfair day with him. I'm guessing when you are far from home, he may drop the nicely nicely act. Quit whilst you are ahead.

I wonder if you suggest he just takes his daughter, something will suddenly crop up where he cant go anymore.

ChristmasFluff · 30/07/2020 13:39

I would see it as a massive boundary push from the ex and no way would I contemplate it unless it was with my new partner and his children too.

Your ex's response to that will speak volumes. My suspicion is he is still a nightmare but is finding that amicability is a more effective way of controlling you

Original poster

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 14:00

That is my worry about the distance being so far away from home. I think that he has a gf and seems like a much happier and nicer person, so I thought it might have been a good idea if he is a changed person.

OP posts:

samyeagar · 30/07/2020 14:27

Yeah, a nice day out, free from the pressures of real life, playing family again, a couple drinks over dinner, and then...

If you were single, then no problems, have at it.

Exes are the most dangerous outsider to new relationships. It is very easy to unintentionally slide into a bad situation because of the intimate knowledge each shares of the other.

I would not be OK with my partner doing this.

Sakurami · 30/07/2020 14:30

No no no. Confusing to your daughter and there is no point. Take her on your own or with family, friends or new partner. Or let your ex take her on her own.

Mintjulia · 30/07/2020 14:32

No, more trouble than it’s worth. Your dd will think you are getting back together and get her hopes up. That’s not fair.

Also sounds like your ex is looking for a way back in or a posterity bonk. Is that what you want?

Farcry66 · 30/07/2020 14:33

I go on holiday with my ex every year and we spend a lot of time doing family type stuff. It is a little different though as he has major health issues and he can't cope with having the boys for more than a day at a time on his own. Neither he nore the boys wanted to miss out on holidays together so I go along too. My partner understands, I suspect given a choice, had rather I didn't go but he understands the situation.

We do have boundaries in place though, we have separate rooms and we make it all about the kids which is great.

KeepingPlain · 30/07/2020 14:36

Nah I can see your current partners point. She may think you're getting back together, and that could be your exs intention. Just let them go together.

Bunnymumy · 30/07/2020 14:37

His poor gf too then. I wouldn't be ok with my partner going for an overnight stay somewhere with his ex wife.
I think you need to consider why you are remotely entertaining this suggestion. You don't say in what way be was terrible about him in the past but I'd assume that he had form for disrespecting you and your boundaries. Considering it seems he is pushing the line now, testing the waters.

Bunnymumy · 30/07/2020 14:38

*you dont say what was terrible

Lacey2019 · 30/07/2020 14:39

His new partner must feel the same too?. Although you said you think he has one - could he be trying to give you a false sense of security

Original poster

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 14:41

Hes never said he has a girlfriend but my little girl has mentioned day trips with a new lady and her baby

OP posts:

Original poster

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 14:42

I'm thinking of suggesting the theme park closer to home as a compromise

OP posts:

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 30/07/2020 14:44

Separate celebrations imo

Lolapusht · 30/07/2020 14:44

Missing the point slightly, but how come he disapproved of your relationship (ie knew about it) and you’re not sure if he has a girlfriend? That sounds like there may be a bit of a power imbalance given he was a nightmare in the beginning. I agree that it may be confusing for your little one and he needs to respect your boundaries. Is he the sort to cause trouble with your current DP? If you stayed overnight it would be very easy for him to imply something happened. He wouldn’t even need to make a direct accusation. Is he the sort to do something like that?

Namechange8471 · 30/07/2020 14:44

No he needs to accept you’re over.
Surely he can just take her himself? He is her father and you also get a break.

Does he have your dd much?

NotaCoolMum · 30/07/2020 14:47

Agree with your DP- I’m sure there are other places closer to home that don’t require an overnight stay- be wary of your ex- sounds like he’s trying to creep back in

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