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Original poster

Advice needed on night away with ex and DD

43 replies

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 13:02

Hi all,

So, I've been separated from my ex partner and father of my DD for a year and a half now and although he was a nightmare in the beginning we are now amicable.
For our DDs birthday we didnt want to share the day so we decided on a trip to a theme park just the 3 of us and it went well, no awkwardness or anything.

So then he messaged me last week and asked if I wanted to go with him and DD to another theme park that our DD keeps asking about. The only thing is this one is 4 hours away so I would be concerned it would be an over night stay.

Anyway, I have been in a new relationship for a year and I mentioned this to him and he said hes really not comfortable with the idea. He has 2 kids himself and said it would be damaging for my DD and would do more harm than good because she will think her mum and dad are getting back together.

A part of me does want to go because my DD loves us both being there with her and I want her to have lovely memories of her childhood that her mum and dad did like each other and they were there for her, that's really important to me.

But I'm really unsure what to do, and wondered if anyone has advice or experiences of this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 15:02

@lolapusht you've probably hit the nail on the head right there about the power imbalance. He come to my house for my DDs party and has come in the back garden a few times and will knock. He wont really let me pick DD up from his house (our old house) he keeps me outside when I have been there, he asks me what I'm doing on nights when he has our DD. But I never ask him what hes upto.

Hes a really great dad he has DD a lot in the week (more so lately because of COVID and me working)

When I say he was a nightmare it took him a very long time to accept it was over, and my DD use to come home screaming saying daddy's on his own (at age 4) and she didnt want to be with me and why did I leave home. Which had me in an emotional mess for quite some time.
Then when I started involving him in birthday parties etc his behaviour changed massively, much more approachable etc.

So I think deep down a part of me still thinks (if I'm being 100% honest) that when hes happy and getting what he wants, this has a huge impact on my DDs happiness. And for the last couple of months she has been so happy not crying for daddy all the time etc.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 30/07/2020 15:04

I understand why you did it for her birthday but I think it would be confusing for your DD to keep doing it and I think it would be unfair on your new DP

Summer41 · 30/07/2020 15:16

DD and her Dad go on their own
You, DD, her Dad and your DP go together (DD can share a room with her Dad)
You book two separate hotel rooms, DD shares with one of you.
Drive the four hours each way, if you both drive it's only two hours driving each, each way and DD will probably sleep.

Unfortunately now that you and DD's Dad are separated, you can't be having holidays and days out just the three of you. You'll both get new partners who won't like it, you may both have more children with your new partners which will change the dynamic and you'll give your DD false hope.

Happynow001 · 30/07/2020 15:31

[quote Heidi5764]@lolapusht you've probably hit the nail on the head right there about the power imbalance. He come to my house for my DDs party and has come in the back garden a few times and will knock. He wont really let me pick DD up from his house (our old house) he keeps me outside when I have been there, he asks me what I'm doing on nights when he has our DD. But I never ask him what hes upto.

Hes a really great dad he has DD a lot in the week (more so lately because of COVID and me working)

Bunnymumy · 30/07/2020 15:35

Sounds like he isn't above using his daughter for emotional manipulation.

I would be careful not to confuse your daughter by spending time with him as if you are still together. For her birthday it was fine as a treat. Might be worth telling her 'Daddy and mummy get along but we wont be getting back together. We are happier as just friends'.

TinselAngel · 30/07/2020 15:41

Don't do it. Boundaries are important.

titchy · 30/07/2020 15:44

@Heidi5764

I'm thinking of suggesting the theme park closer to home as a compromise

Why? She's had her birthday. Why can't he take her away as planned. It's not your job to suggest an alternative venue so he can continue to manipulate you and confuse your dd by playing happy families.

Lolapusht · 30/07/2020 15:59

Hmm...did your DD cry about you being on your own when she went to his house? I would find it quite strange for a 4 yr old to be that upset about their parent being on their own unless something had been said to her (“Daddy’s really sad when you’re not here”...”Poor daddy’s all on his own now that mummy left” that sort of thing). I don’t think they’re reasoning and awareness of the world is advanced enough at that age to think of other people not being ok on their own. Why would being in your own be a bad thing? If those thoughts have all come from her with absolutely no input from him, then fine. He sounds quite manipulative. He didn’t accept when you said the relationship was over and he obviously has no problem with allowing his behaviour to negatively impact on your daughter. If he’s happy, she’s happy? That’s not right. He should be keeping his agitation/grumping etc to himself and not letting it effect her. Any problems he may be having with you are no concern of DD’s so what you’re doing shouldn’t be bounced back in her. If he didn’t accept the relationship was over, he’s effectively making you be a family again by manipulating things so he’s included. He’s unreasonable and difficult so you change your behaviour. Once you’re doing what he wants he’s nice. You don’t get to live your life how you want because he is controlling what you can do. If he was a good dad then it wouldn’t matter what was going on between the two of you, he’d be having good visits with DD and if she seemed upset etc he’d be discussing it with you so you could work together to support her. Do you enjoy spending time with him and how does he behave? Does he act like nothing happened ie you haven’t divorced or is there a noticeable difference in how you interact?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 30/07/2020 16:01

On paper it’s nice when exes get along, but - especially once new partners are involved - you do need some boundaries.

Your updates about him not accepting your DP and the discrepancy in the way he acts compared to what he expects of you, would make my spidey senses tingle.

Birthdays and Xmas fine, any extras I think you should be doing things with your DP.

FWIW my DP went for a weekend away to Center Parcs with his family, sibling and his ex. It had been arranged while we were on a break, and it was awful. The whole time he was there I was so angry, (even though I’d felt like I had to accept it after we’d got back together, as it was a done deal, and I didn’t want to be the reason his DCs were upset if their mum couldn’t go anymore due to me). It nearly broke me and many years later I’m still annoyed thinking about it - them all playing happy families while I stayed at home like the outsider.

Even if your DP says he’s ok with it, it shows your DD and anyone else - including DP - exactly who you consider to be your family.

forrestgreen · 30/07/2020 16:06

So he's made himself at home in your new house but you're excluded from what was your family home. Double standards
He knows what you're up to but you don't know the same. Double standards.
A four year old won't behave like that unless they've been manipulated into those reactions...

I think you need a clean break for you and your dd. He can do his own parties and see if you're invited, I bet not.
Your daughter will have many happy memories or her childhood, you don't have to be together to facilitate that.

Original poster

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 17:59

I think it has to 100% be my decision, even though I've listened to DP and know that he feels uncomfortable with the idea, I want to be making the decision for me not him. I only say this because my last relationship was very controlling and I vowed to myself to never let another man's viewpoint control the things that I do in life.

So I just wanted some advice on here, so I dont start to think that DP is also trying to reign in and affect my decisions. Because before I spoke to DP last night I didnt see any issues.

OP posts:

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/07/2020 18:04

Does your DP go on days out with his ex?

Original poster

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 18:08

@BluebellsGreenbells no he doesnt, he spent whole of lockdown afternoons in his old house (his ex wifes) home schooling the kids while she worked. And they do kids parties together. I wouldn't mind if they did.

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 30/07/2020 18:09

Of course the decision has to be your own, and not influenced by a man. But in fact your thought process and decision is being influenced. By your XP.

I get it. Appeasement seems easier, you have your DD to consider etc. But the longer you do it the harder it is to break away. Please do the Freedom Programme, even online.
Also a man who is controlling/coercive is not a great dad. He may love his DD, and she him but that's not enough. Not only is she absorbing the dynamic you and he have, but he is clearly actively manipulating her. Show her a different way.

samyeagar · 30/07/2020 18:59

@Heidi5764

So I just wanted some advice on here, so I dont start to think that DP is also trying to reign in and affect my decisions. Because before I spoke to DP last night I didnt see any issues.

Are you sure that you are healed enough and moved on enough from your ex that you are ready for another relationship?

The lines between boundaries, ultimatums, and controlling behavior can often time be very thin, and it is important to be able to recognize the difference.

It is good that you reached out for clarity and are learning, but there are a number of red flags here that suggest you have a bit further to go.

Original poster

Heidi5764 · 30/07/2020 20:58

@samyeagar I feel like I moved on from him before I had left him. But I think there are still underlying issues there for me. Quite a few people have mentioned the Freedom programme, I will have to try it. Thank you

OP posts:

Festivalgirl83 · 31/07/2020 08:39

Another one who would say not to do it OP. I think it would be confusing for your daughter and a little disrespectful to your current DP. As someone else said, its great when ex's get along but boundaries should be in place. Let him go with your DD and enjoy his time with her alone.
Just as I met my DP 2.5 years ago he was regularly having monthly days out with his ex and DD, it just never say right with me and he stopped this quite soon after meeting me without me saying anything.

RLEOM · 31/07/2020 11:39

Right, your child will never get the mum and dad experience for the rest of her life, so making those snippets of family life for her every now and then must be nice for her. As long as you're clear that mummy and daddy are just friends, I don't see the harm in it.

However, I do wonder what your ex's intentions are. It might be innocent but he might want you back. How do you feel about that?

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