Tell me your thoughts about constant worriers

[Lottapianos]

Its my MIL specifically. We dont see her and FIL very often but DP phones them once a week. Shes a very negative, self absorbed person with not that much going on in her life. Almost everything DP tells her is met with some sort of worrying. 'We're looking to buy a new house' - 'oh I shall worry about that'. 'We're off on holiday next week (pre Covid)' - 'oh I shall worry so much'. We live just outside London and any time he mentions that we're going into central London, that's a big epic worry as well. Theres never anything positive like 'that sounds nice' or 'good luck'

This absolutely does DP's head in. He has told her this and asked her to stop it, and has even put the phone down on her when she talked about worrying for the hundredth time in one conversation. He has tried reassuring her - when she was worrying about us getting Covid, he told her we had had it and we were fine (all true), but it didnt seem to make any difference to the worrying

What is this worrying all about? Not just the worrying, but having to tell him all the time how worried she is. Is it a way of pulling the focus onto herself all the time? I feel like I'm too close to the situation to see it clearly. Thoughts welcome. Thanks

My mother was like this. It was very irritating. The only thing that helped was to disengage from it. I was able to do this with the help of therapy. If your DP can tell himself that it's her problem and not his, acknowledge her concerns and change the subject, he might feel less annoyed by it.

I know it’s hard when people suffer anxiety - however these people can be “soul suckers” because they drain the life out of everyday things & can’t relate to positive experiences. They drag you down with their negativity & their “worry” can make you feel guilty. The worst is when they expect you to manage around their anxieties, rather than taking ownership & dealing with their worries themselves.

'The worst is when they expect you to manage around their anxieties, rather than taking ownership & dealing with their worries themselves.'

That's exactly it. She cant help how she feels, but she really needs to be offloading to someone else and not her son. I feel that it's so unfair to burden him with her worries - all hes doing is living his life in a normal way but hes being forced to think about her all the time! Also very true that she just cant really relate to many positive things. I think theres a bit of jealousy going on too. Tonnes of fun!

My mum is like this and was all through my childhood. It's had a huge effect on me growing up and she still does it now, it makes everything so miserable. She even told me I ought to consider adopting rather than take the 'risk' of having my own children (by which she means simply giving birth..I mean think of all the things that could go wrong!) Like PP say she also takes zero responsibility for her anxiety, flatly refuses to listen when I try and tell her it's affecting me and our whole family parrot 'its just how she is, we can't change her!'
Disengage, ignore her saying she'll worry entirely, or go low contact, there's no other way. I personally feel anxietying at others like this can be a form of control, guilting you into not doing things that will make them feel anxious.

'I personally feel anxietying at others like this can be a form of control, guilting you into not doing things that will make them feel anxious.'

That's what I was asking in the OP - what is the reason for this endless focus on their anxiety? I find it very controlling, like she cant really allow him to have his own life and his own experiences, but has to insert herself in there every time through the big black cloud of worry! It feels smothering

I think it's very closely linked to control, so if you as the anxious person can control others actions nothing bad can happen to them. It is smothering, because you aren't ever allowed to make a mistake and learn from it, or have any freedom. It also shows a lack of faith that you can make good decisions by yourself, so worrying about you buying a new house suggests she basically doesnt trust you and her son to make an educated decision yourselves. It's really damaging especially when you've become a competent adult to all other intents and purposes.

'It also shows a lack of faith that you can make good decisions by yourself, '

Yes! Very much this. It's such an infantilising thing to say to him. Adults dont talk to each other like this. I know hes her son and so the relationship is more complex, but come on!

It is actually quite selfish if it goes beyond “normal” levels of parental concern.

Neutral tones all the way helps with my anxious parent. 'I'm sure things will be fine, if not I'm sure we'll find a way to deal with it'. I try not to raise my voice or get angry about it, it just leads to more drama.
I've also been known to have a word with my Dad if it's become too much, I am neither my mother's parent or spouse, some of the soothing/perspective work should be done by your DH's F if he's in the picture.

Is she like that with anyone else? My mum is to lesser and greater extents with other close family depending on who's being 'the biggest worry'. By contrast my partner's parents have never commented anything other than neutrally or positively on what we do but he has a very hands off relationship with them compared to me and my family dynamic. I think this closeness doesn't help where one person is anxious, it erodes your boundaries.

Shes a negative, anxious person anyway so worries about all sorts of stuff but I dont think she tells anyone else directly that she worries about them if you know what i mean. Poor DP is her only so he gets it all!

She and FIL are still married and live together but have no real relationship so she certainly wouldn't get any emotional support from him even if she was motivated to try. She has female friends and I think she shares emotional stuff with them but still feels the need to tell DP how much she worries

That's sad, do you think this is partly driven by her need to feel that someone cares and values her love? Is it worth trying the 'look we love that you care so much about us, but we'd love it even more if you could be more positive for us' angle?
Their relationship (or lack of it) shouldn't be your DH's burden to shoulder.

At the moment, it sounds like she is using her anxiety as a way to get control, reassurance and attention. Is there a way to make her interactions with you less rewarding?

Ie: when she is "worrying" does she expect a lot of reassuring from you about how everything will be fine, you'll be careful, you'll remember what she said, etc? If so, cut that off - do you think any of the following would work?

1. absolute subject change. Her : "I'm so worried about you buying a house." You: "How do you think Japan will handle the Olympics?" Keep your tone light, firm and upbeat. The idea is to disrupt her flow and stop her getting into her stride.

2. Treat her worrying as if she is making a joke. Her : "I'm so worried about you buying a house." You: "haha, I know right, what if aliens invade?"

3. Naming the behaviour. Her : "I'm so worried about you buying a house." You: "I know, you worry about everything. That sounds difficult for you."

You can probably think of more appropriate ways to head her off. You won't be able to change her fundamental outlook (especially as she has no desire to change) all you can do is make you an unrewarding person for her to behave like this. It will take a while (think of it like training a dog, it will take repetition for her to get it) and you should expect an extinction burst, as she tries to get you to fall in line. But stay light, firm and breezy, and in time she'll work out that her "worries don't get her what she wants from you.

What is this worrying all about?

In my experience, it just makes them the central focus of whatever is happening. It makes everything all about them. A form of control but with the focus on 'meeeeeee'

I expect it's learned behaviour. I agree that the thing to do is disengage so that they dont get more attention from this behaviours

I like the suggestions from @FineWordsForAPorcupine brilliant.

My mum is a worrier.We live in different countries so I do get respite from it and do try to blend it out when she phones ,telling me about how worried she is about myself and my siblings who are all now in our 50's! She was a good mum but it was only in the last few years that I realised that her 'worrying' was really running from responsibility . She sounds a little like your mum@islandislandisland sucking the joy out of days and times that should be happy.On my wedding day she told me that 'she couldn't wait for the day to be over' as she was so stressed and worried at being the centre of attention! Just before the birth of my DS I bought a little babygro and told her on the phone .Her response was that I shouldn't have done that as it was bad luck and now she would worry that something would happen to me or the baby.I was so upset that she just couldn't be happy for me.I could go on and on.The past few years have been difficult in my own family and I could tell her nothing as she would have made my problems hers and everything even more difficult than it was by telling me how worried she was and how she can't eat or sleep etc etc.If i go on holidays anywhere far afield she always says 'I won't rest now until you are back safely' .I look back now and realise that her worrying has impacted me so much I just wish we could appreciate the good times in life without the constant reminder of doom and gloom

Great advice Fine, thank you

'In my experience, it just makes them the central focus of whatever is happening'

That's my thinking too. Shes enormously self absorbed, it's very draining

Its extremely helpful to talk this through and hear other people's perspectives and experiences . This stuff can be so suffocating and hard to get a handle on!

My mum is quite similar to this and it is very draining and ends up with me feeling quite guilty a lot of the time which I know I shouldn’t! She doesn’t have any friends either - she never thinks people actually want to spend time with her so declines offers to get coffee with neighbours etc. I have tried to encourage her to socialise but she never does.

I’m the only child and her only real source of emotional support which I find really difficult, I don’t want to turn off her opportunity to get the emotional support she needs but I can’t cope with it all either and then iI feel guilty for feeling that way. Dad is no use so no chance of her really confiding in him.

I sympathise with your partner OP, I’m sure he is really grateful to have you to support him :)

@schnubbins absolutely. It's the subtle 'if you do this, it's going to cause me to feel this way'. Ideally someone who gets disproportionately anxious could recognise this and keep it to themselves rather than spilling it over on to others and using it to manipulate. The problem is if I try and detach then I feel bad because she'll know what I'm doing but the closer I am to her and the more I tell her about my life the worse it gets. I have to say it's nice to know there are other people who struggle with this, if I ever try and tell friends they always say she's just being a caring mum which makes me feel even shittier!

'If I ever try and tell friends they always say she's just being a caring mum which makes me feel even shittier!'

Oh lord. Some people just have zero understanding of manipulative, suffocating parents, and in some ways, lucky them! I was dreading getting some responses like that on this thread but not one, so thank you all!

'she never thinks people actually want to spend time with her'

It's sad, isnt it? I do feel for people like your mother and my MIL (and my own mother) - it must be a very lonely, scary place to be in. HOWEVER, they are adults, and need to take responsibility for themselves, and not use their children as some kind of crutch to get through life. They are the parents- it should be the adult children needing them for support, not the other way around! I do feel that this is a form of emotional abuse, and as other posters have said, it can have a profound impact on your sense of self and your self esteem

Has your DP ever asked his mum why she doesn't get therapy to help with her obsessive worrying about him/everything? Adult to adult?
And perhaps your DO could consider counselling to help him be less affected by what she says

This would really make me angry.

I would be suggesting that she needs to see a doctor about all this worrying, because it's not normal. Every time she mentions it. "No, it's just the way I am." "No, you really need to see a doctor." Make it very clear that it's her problem. Don't justify your plans or treat her "worrying" as rational.

I would also just withdraw as much as possible and not tell her anything unless you really have to. If she finds out afterwards that you've been on holiday and not told her, then, "Well, of course we didn't tell you, it would probably set off your worrying again." At the moment you and DH seem to be talking to her far too much (that's not intended as a criticism - it would be fine in a healthy relationship. But this isn't one, unfortunately.)

The less contact, the better, really. After all, it's not as if the contact seems to make her happy, does it?!

@lottapianos my DP is in your position and like you has a much clearer view of what's going on, it really frustrates him how my mum affects me and he's also worried about her doing childcare for us because he doesn't want our child to grow up anxious and constantly danger spotting like I did. Not sure if you have kids or plan to but it has got a hell of a lot worse since I became pregnant. Classic example is her telling me I ought to have a think about the glass doors into my living room and replacing them with shatter proof glass in case when the baby is mobile there's an accident. I am not even due until the bloody autumn! It is actually very sad that she clearly sits there thinking of everything that could go wrong and winding herself up about it, but unfair that she then chooses to heap that onto me when she knows I already have enough current worries! They do have a choice but I think often it's a compulsion that they can't help.

Maybe tell her straight that her comments arent helpful or she needs to see a doctor to find ways to combat her anxiety as its alienating her friends ?

I would give her a cute name like “worry wart” or something to gently tease her about the anxiety, so it doesn’t become something which annoys you, but Evolves to become an inside joke you all share together with her