Tell me your thoughts about constant worriers

[Lottapianos]

Its my MIL specifically. We dont see her and FIL very often but DP phones them once a week. Shes a very negative, self absorbed person with not that much going on in her life. Almost everything DP tells her is met with some sort of worrying. 'We're looking to buy a new house' - 'oh I shall worry about that'. 'We're off on holiday next week (pre Covid)' - 'oh I shall worry so much'. We live just outside London and any time he mentions that we're going into central London, that's a big epic worry as well. Theres never anything positive like 'that sounds nice' or 'good luck'

This absolutely does DP's head in. He has told her this and asked her to stop it, and has even put the phone down on her when she talked about worrying for the hundredth time in one conversation. He has tried reassuring her - when she was worrying about us getting Covid, he told her we had had it and we were fine (all true), but it didnt seem to make any difference to the worrying

What is this worrying all about? Not just the worrying, but having to tell him all the time how worried she is. Is it a way of pulling the focus onto herself all the time? I feel like I'm too close to the situation to see it clearly. Thoughts welcome. Thanks

It sounds like she is bored stupid and needs something to add a little drama to her life.

My dm was a busy working mum with five dcs. She seldom worried about anything and would soldier cheerfully on regardless.

Then my parents retired, she had nothing to do and took up worrying as her hobby. We all stopped telling her anything before it happened because it was counter productive.

Could you suggest your mil gets more involved in a hobby, or tries volunteering perhaps.

My mum is like this. Her worry though generally comes out in anger and trying to argue with me until I do what she wants me to do.

Now, I generally don't talk to her about anything in my life until it has happened. That way she can't really do anything about it.

I’m a bit of a worrier but I do manage it. It does no one any good to repeatedly say “I’m worried about x”. You are not unreasonable OP to ask your MIL to rein in her worries.
So, I usually on my own decide what will meet my worry heads needs? If it’s travel, then most times getting the travel insurance policy done and writing a “if I die in a plane crash open this letter” placed in my desk makes my worry disappear.

I do my best not to inflict worry on others. For example when my DCs started to travel alone, if they said mum we are going to go camping in Black Forest, I’d tell them get travel insurance and look up how to bear proof your campsite. I try and funnel it into good tips and never saying “oh god, don’t go I’ll worry a bear will eat you”.

I think the advice given by a pp is exactly right.

I can hear that you’re worried about that but I’m not, so let’s talk about something else.

It sounds like she’s alienated her partner. She should go and see her GP, CBT could possibly help if her worrying is compulsive.

It’s a very controlling behaviour, and means that she’s constantly looking at what’s coming rather than what’s in the here and now. She’s failing to regulate herself.

Your DP needs to make sure he’s taking care of his own needs, reassuring her isn’t the answer, it’ll never be enough.

Worriers are such drains - the constant need to reassure them and not worry them. The alteration of plans, the restrictions on what you can do. It drives you nuts, sooner or later. When my mother is being negative on the phone I sometimes tell her I'm going to hang up and she can call me when she's in a more cheerful frame of mind. I have literally given all the empathy I have to give in that direction.

Maybe your dh could be direct like that?

@fatted I get exactly this, if I disagree or ask her to please not say things that ruin what I'm going to do, or tell her that she's affecting me with her anxiety she shouts at me that she's NOT overbearing, she's just TELLING me because she thought I should know and I'm being over sensitive and ridiculous about it. Actually very like gas lighting. Like it's my problem for getting upset rather than hers for failing to manage her behaviour, and I guess that makes it easier to avoid having to change.

@PlanDeRaccordement, I hear you. My own children’s travelling/exploring gives me massive worries, the most outrageous fears, but I do the same. Ask some sensible questions, buy the odd practical thing, send a link about some nice/cheap place to eat.

One of mine said after a difficult trip away with some friends said that they’d realised how much thought we’d put into trips away, and they realised they’d learned to think like us - finding practical solutions and using their judgement.

My DH said to me once that you have to trust that they can solve problems, if you constantly do it for them you’re sabotaging them.

I have 2 close family members like this. One is younger and has had a lot of professional support which has really helped.

The other is my mother in law is lovely - but I persuaded her to go to her gp and get referred for counselling CBT, which she did. It’s horrible for them to be stuck in thought patterns as they are. Some people also feel that worrying is a way if protecting their loved ones, if they don’t worry that’s when something will happen.

I know from our experiences how frustrating and hard it can be to support someone who is a worrier but if they have strategies to cope with their feelings, thoughts and behaviour it can help everyone 💐

Counselling, volunteering, getting out of the house more - all very sensible suggestions. Sadly shes more likely to fly to the moon than do any of them! Reflection, challenging herself, broadening her horizons - just flat out not going to happen. All of this is extremely entrenched with her, and I dont think shes even slightly motivated to change. So you're right- it's a case of us managing how we respond to it.

@Fanthorpe
Glad to know I’m not alone! And being a busy working mum never stopped my worry brain going into overdrive. I’d literally sit and write lists of my worries and then an action for each worry! Yes, many were ridiculous ones. I remember reading about beaches in England when we first went to visit my brother and the DCs cousins in U.K. and stumbling across a site about weaver fish. I had a panic buying spree of swim shoes for entire family because I was convinced one of my DCs or my DH would inevitably step on one and have to go to hospital and maybe get sepsis...etc etc.