What happens to men when they each mid/late 40's?

[RandomStupidName]

I am genuinely interested to know if/ what happens to a lot of men when they reach mid/late 40's.

My DH, late 40's, has had a complete personality change over the past couple of years. He used to be absolutely lovely, caring and considerate. I thought he was fabulous and considered myself very lucky. Over the last few years he has changed quite a lot. It is not down to work stress nor does he have an illness. Crudely put, he turned into his obnoxious, rude father who is really not nice to be around.

Physically he has changed a bit as in going grey, pot belly, hair thinning but he is still very fit and healthy. Mentally he seems to have changed as in grumpy, picky and obnoxious. Some of the things he comes out with are unbelievably rude and hurtful to me and the DC. There is only one word that I can use to describe how he behaves and that is like an arsehole. He has also become very self centred and only thinks about what he wants. A few weeks ago we were walking in some fields, some cows ran towards us and he ran off to save himself!

I'm not looking for excuses and I've dug around for another woman. I genuinely think he's changed a lot and I want to know if this is par for the course for a 47 year old man and if someone can explain to me what happens to them at this age. I know we have the menopause, but their changes are not that well documented.

DH is 47 and is the same as he’s always been.

Mine turned into Kevin the teenager. Ironically our actual teenagers are far more grown up, mature and responsible

He also had a string of affairs - and I would do more digging on that ..

We split up. He is still in his teen phase, with his baseball cap.

Combined with my menopausal view change as the happy fog of hormones lifted, it could just be that I see him more clearly, but I think he also changed

Not all men but some. Get dissatisfied with life and take it out on those around them

Why do you think this might be typical of all men? Do you have any friends of that age outside the family? Other kids' parents at school? Seems like he is becoming an arsehole - is he depressed, frustrated with lockdown, bored at work?

Yuck, he sounds horrible. It's not all men (I fucking hope) it's just him. The age thing might mean sight changes, weight changes, ED, grey hair, as well as all the good bits of aging like more experience (and pay!) professionally, as a father, husband, lover etc etc. But it can't make you a complete arse!
You don't have to stay with him just because you can't prove whether there's an ow! Him just being an obnoxious, selfish, hurtful arsehole is plenty reason enough to give him the boot!

Yup, happened to mine. Fortunately he left to "discover" himself at 50 but the years leading up to it were horrendous. Life much better now for me and dc he's left.

Hmm. DH is 45. He hasn't changed at all physically but I think maybe he's got a bit grumpier and less tolerant over the years. He says things like "if you want something done properly, do it yourself" which is exactly the kind of thing his dad would say! However I certainly wouldn't use the words "complete personality change".

Have you talked to him about the things that are bothering you OP? It sounds like you've been together for a while, so you should be able to have that kind of conversation.

Op when he says something hurtful you need to call him out on it. 'That was spiteful and hurtful' Every. Single. time. Don't let him chip away at you.

Sounds like he's having a bit of a crisis or is dissatisfied with his life and taking it out on those closest to him.

Could be the early signs of dementia.

I think a lot of men would say the same about women in their late 40s!

Feel the same about my DH at the minute! He's the same.

Could he be causing this to use it as an excuse to leave you and the kids, and have a mid-life crisis jolly ?

What is his dad like ?
My hubby is turning into his dad and if I’d known that would happen I wouldn’t have married him. His dad is awful.

@SteelyPanther

What is his dad like ? My hubby is turning into his dad and if I’d known that would happen I wouldn’t have married him. His dad is awful.

Sorry, just seen that you’ve already answered this. I can sympathise, my FIL is awful and always has been. Treated his wife like 💩

There is a book called Manopause and it’s for this age! There are hormone changes that affect mood, energy, weight etc. Also the psychological realisation that you are truly Middle aged can come as a shock - who me, but I’m special...

He’d prob benefit from therapy to talk through his feelings/this stage of life but would he go?

Low testosterone is def a thing. It falls naturally like our oestrogen does. It makes some men kinder/more gentle and others more grumpy

The male menopause

@Splodgetastic ha ha ha ha ha

There's always one on these sort of threads and you're it today. FGS just think before you trot that one out.

He's always been self centred to an extent and emotionally distant but he has soured even more, is regularly irritated and increasingly downright rude.

Same here. It's hard not to take it personally. I feel like it is my fault when I know that actually I am very easy to live with.

Yep. Totally the same going on here. We used to have so much fun together. Now he’s grumpy, rude, doesn’t want to do this or that. Boring. Selfish. Moan moan moan

Like with most things, you'll find a variety of different opinions, some different and some of which reflect your own experience. You don't need to accept a poor relationship - have you talked to him? Communication is key really.

Part confession, part observation from a chap who has left that age group behind.
When I turned 40 ish. Many things changed for us. I used to work contracts, easy money. House bought for cash. Redundancy, industry closing down.
Had to find a job UK, very difficult and lower level, lower skill.
Difficult to accept.
House anchored me. Ball & Chain!!
Realisation which probably applies to many men & women at that sort of age: Career wise I reached a plateau. Not going to achieve much more in any part of life.

Not in sport type hobbies, now with two young children we could not spend time practising or travelling to competitions.

I discovered that women actually liked talking to me. So I enjoyed that, it was new! Nearly all were OK and just friendly, but did get into a bit of trouble.
I realised that real trouble was so very close so I reformed.

We then found a drastic answer that might not serve for all. DW went back to her career, She worked long hours and long commute. I stayed home with dc, one at school, one at playgroup. When possible I found part-time jobs.
I had a new challenge, I was fine. DW also had to adapt to an industry she had been away from for 10 years.
Parenting was my challenge. It was my job, and I did it. DW made a real success of her new career.
The darlings are now fully grown adults, one married both still talk to me.

Looking back though, my early 40s were difficult. realising that I could no longer continue as I had. We really found it tough.
It must happen to many couples maybe with problems less identifiable than ours were.

Sorry it is a long post. Maybe something here is useful to someone.

Not sure why the sarky comment, as frontotemporal dementia manifests in the 45-65 age group with symptoms such as personality changes and lack of awareness of others' feelings (yes, I'm sure someone will make a sarky comment about that now). It was the thing about the field of cows that made me think this. www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/symptoms/