What happens to men when they each mid/late 40's?

[RandomStupidName]

I am genuinely interested to know if/ what happens to a lot of men when they reach mid/late 40's.

My DH, late 40's, has had a complete personality change over the past couple of years. He used to be absolutely lovely, caring and considerate. I thought he was fabulous and considered myself very lucky. Over the last few years he has changed quite a lot. It is not down to work stress nor does he have an illness. Crudely put, he turned into his obnoxious, rude father who is really not nice to be around.

Physically he has changed a bit as in going grey, pot belly, hair thinning but he is still very fit and healthy. Mentally he seems to have changed as in grumpy, picky and obnoxious. Some of the things he comes out with are unbelievably rude and hurtful to me and the DC. There is only one word that I can use to describe how he behaves and that is like an arsehole. He has also become very self centred and only thinks about what he wants. A few weeks ago we were walking in some fields, some cows ran towards us and he ran off to save himself!

I'm not looking for excuses and I've dug around for another woman. I genuinely think he's changed a lot and I want to know if this is par for the course for a 47 year old man and if someone can explain to me what happens to them at this age. I know we have the menopause, but their changes are not that well documented.

Aside from life changes it might be hormonal - read some article that says declining testosterone in men can lead to irritability and lower mood.

I know people joke about the male mid-life crisis but ime it is a very real mental-health issue for many.

What is probably likely is he's always been an insufferable arsehole and you've just grown wise to it and/or grown tired of it.

TBF, I had a bit of a mid life crisis/wobble a couple of years ago. I was 38. I was difficult to live with at the time.

Thx for male perspective Felix. I appreciate it.
What is the solution? Do you just ride it out?

Not mine. Mine is 55 and is actually getting more tolerant and more woke - in a good way. Is certainly doing more cooking and cleaning.

He didn't have a midlife crisis either...

So it's not a universal thing...

Mine turned into a moody, boring, lazy, generally disinterested arse, who has sucked all the joy, fun and laughter out of our house. If we weren't financially tied I'd have been off years ago, I cannot stand the self-indulgent wallowing in self pity. You're not alone OP.

(another early 50s male).
On a bad day you can think

• nothing more to achieve, or going to achieve at work. So facing a future of ~15 years doing 'more of the same'. Maybe watching younger guys doing better?
• white males -- everyone's favourite enemies these days, despite our efforts
• who am I doing it for? just to support others, without doing 'what I really want' (whatever that is!)
• don't get much 'personal time', between work, family & home. [males like some alone-time in their cave some times!]

Of course that can look an awful lot like 'self-pitying whining' and provoke a 'get over yourself' reply.

Probably what is needed is new challenges/outlets, which hopefully does not include seducing younger women ...

@waterSpider, you're right, that does look a lot like 'self-pitying whining'. Nothing you've said is specific to men, apart from the bit about white men being 'everyone's favourite enemies [...] despite our best efforts'. (I'd be enormously interested to hear what you think those efforts consist of.)

Women also hit career plateaux, have to juggle job family etc, lack time to themselves, but most of us don't expect a standing ovation for joky references to 'hopefully' not seducing younger men among our 'challenges/outlets'.

I wonder if it's a combination of things. I've found that men in this age group tend almost to 'double down' on their essential characteristics, otherwise known as 'turning into their dad'. So if they've always had a bit of a tendency (generally well kept in check) to be selfish or careless or unthinking or grumpy - they get worse. If they've always been generous and adventurous this can also become more extreme - the mid-life crisis.

Add to this the fact that their wives or SOs are often hitting menopause, and becoming less tolerant of shit, the children are older and more challenging/harder work and you have a perfect storm.

My dh is called victor meldrew when he’s like this
Weight , ed, work pressure , home pressure and responsibility wearing him down and out . Self esteem and image changing ? Happens to women so perfectly reasonable that men must experience the anti-puberty also

I really appreciate the comments and male input too. My worry is that I'm taking it personally and it may end up in a marriage breakdown. I'm tied financially, but won't always be. I love my husband very much. I just don't like this version.

Whilst this unfolds what are we supposed to do? Just get on with it and given them space? From a male perspective what part does the wife play in the angst when you've been together years?

My DH has a very good job, stress, long hours but he wouldn't dream of packing it in. He loves his job, but it also consumes him.

Because we talked about things, not argued (much) or even negotiated, we both found compromises. For instance I did not want to go off and pursue the sport by myself, I continued in a low level way, to keep interested. Later I went back as an instructor.
Looking back we probably never used the word 'compromise'. It evolved into new challenges.
We are together and contented now because we both of us realised that we could do better together than separately.
We talked, told each other how we saw our world explained even if it was obvious. We gave it time. It took over a year.
waterSpider's comments are spot on. At 3.00am I could feel a total failure, nothing for me to get to grips with. Children are women's work. etc etc. Not my department.
You both have to want to change together. Not separately but together.

Step One. Keep talking, just gossiping away about it, Not a formal meeting to decide the future.
He will respond at some stage, it will evolve.

Tell him you feel like he's married to his job and he and his job need some relationship counselling!

Seriously though if he is good at it, that should give him some say/agency over his work life balance. And one would hope he would want to reduce the stress for his own sake.

Ask him straight - does it bother him that you are unhappy with how he treats everyone? If he isn't bothered, then suggests he moves in with his true love and sleeps on the office from now on.

Whilst this unfolds what are we supposed to do?

I wish I knew. I suspect a combination of carving out more time for ourselves and relying on others for support, whilst keeping the communication channels open but not too heavy (counterproductive with mine), hoping that this phase is relatively short-lived and if/when it's over, we have something still in common with our DH's. The other option is to leave.