Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken friendship... absolutely gutted

51 replies

ItWillAlwaysBeJustUsThree · 30/07/2020 00:47

Please give me some advice?

I don’t have many friends or many mum friends. I had one best friend and we have been friends for 15years, went through school, had children weeks apart, stuck by each other through loosing parents, loosing relationships, everything.

For years I was in a domestically abusive relationship that put a strain on our friendship. I left for a year, then unfortunately I went back to him in hopes things have changed, but they didn’t. I ended up loosing my house (as my landlord gave it to his daughter, family over business) and I found myself forced into a situation where I had to live with him. Things weren’t good, so my friend offered me a house her partner was doing up that would be ready in a few months time. I was so excited, sold all the stuff from my old house as this house would have been partly furnished.

However my ex/partner was kicking off one morning and messaged my friend a load of abuse. I stuck up for her, moved out of the house and moved back in with my mother, spent 2 days apologising to her for his behaviour, sent flowers to her, but she refusing to speak to me, blocked my number, and told me that me and the kids now can not live in the house she have promised us.

I honestly don’t know what to do!!
Has she taken this too far? Or am I getting what I deserve? Is there anything I can do to make this better?

OP posts:
AquarianSquirrel · 30/07/2020 00:58

So sorry you're in this situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why would you deserve this? You thought you had a safe place to stay away from your ex and the rug's been pulled from under you. This must be a very unsettling time for you and it's great that your mum is there to support you. Can you look to go on the emergency housing list. If such a thing still exists?

Maybe there were other reasons your friend backed off. Perhaps not wanting her own children to be potemtially at risk from your ex? Not a nice situation though and even if she had to pull out of the house offer, it seems cruel to ignore you and offer you no explanation.

Chin up sweet. In time you will forge a new life for yourself and find new friends perhaps by starting a new hobby/through your kids school? And if it takes a while, your past gives you the resolve to more than weather the storm until things look a bit brighter.

5363738383j · 30/07/2020 01:07

You don't deserve it but neither does she. Ultimately he's still around in some shape or form and she doesn't have to have anything to do with that. If I was her friend, I'd advise her to step back for her own safety. She has no way of knowing what he'll do now or what you'll do in the future. I'm sorry.

milienhaus · 30/07/2020 01:29

It sounds like he’s scared her - did he threaten her? I’m really sorry that you now don’t have a place to move to but if she feels like it would endanger her family it’s understandable why she wouldn’t be able to help any more.

Well done for leaving and going to your mums, that must have taken a lot of strength.

cocklingfree · 30/07/2020 02:00

Sounds like there's more to it really. You're calling him ex/partner. Which is it? You sent apologies and flowers for something your ex did? It does sound like you're still very embroiled and I understand where she's coming from

user1471457751 · 30/07/2020 02:04

How does he even know about the house and that it's connected to your friend? If you told him the you put her at risk of his anger.

notfunnynow · 30/07/2020 04:49

She’s worried that you’ll move him in. You’re still sort of together and you can’t be trusted not to go back to him. That’s her issue. She’s done with you. It’s sad but she supported you and you let her down. It’s time to move on. Get rid of the arsehole and forge a new life

lemoncarafe · 30/07/2020 05:04

Were you going to move in your friends house with him? If you were then it's understandable that after he was abusive to her that things aren't going to go ahead as planned.
Also she is probably scared of him. I would be.
If you're not together now then your history with him says you'll possibly go back to him. And why should she have the hassle of him contacting her abusively?
Until you fully break away from him she's going to keep a wide berth I imagine.
Give her some time. Prove you're not going to with him and then take tentative steps to regain the friendship.

CoffeeRunner · 30/07/2020 05:15

He’s said something to her that he should not have known.

Just guessing here, but the address/area of the new house? She was offering it to you to get you away from him. He shouldn’t know where to find you. Or some private information about your friend that has left her vulnerable to him?

It has to be something to make her feel you have let her down in someway. A friend that good & supportive doesn’t walk away for nothing. Whatever he’s told her that’s upset her so much may also be a complete pack of lies of course!

RaisinGhost · 30/07/2020 05:46

Hmm this is a tough one. I really sympathise with what you are going through. However I also see why she doesn't want to get involved. What sort of things did he say to her? Did he threaten her? Say you'd said something about her?

The problem is, you have stayed with him for years and gone back to him twice. I'm not judging you for this but it's not surprising she thinks your loyalties will lie with him. And that she's had enough.

Piewraith · 30/07/2020 05:54

If I were her, not sure I'd get involved. The torrent of abuse she received probably seemed like a preview of what she'll be getting in a few weeks, only this time it will be coming from inside her house, after he's moved in and probably destroyed the place. She might be thinking that no good deed goes unpunished.

ukgift2016 · 30/07/2020 05:59

I think there is more to it than you are saying. This is likely just the last straw for her. She may be afraid you will go back to him again or he will come and damage the house.

I wouldn't take the risk either to be honest.

Ginger1982 · 30/07/2020 07:11

It sounds as though you told him that she had given you the house and he's had a go at her for it. Is that what it was? It depends what he said to her but if it was vile and threatening, I would probably want to step back from you too.

MsTSwift · 30/07/2020 07:15

You brought trouble to her door. I don’t blame her she is probably concerned you’ll get back together (which you have done previously) and he will then be living in her house and in her life.

SomethingLessBoringInstead · 30/07/2020 07:18

I'm afraid, I agree with everyone else.

It's difficult for you but she hasn't done anything wrong.

Patienceisvirtuous · 30/07/2020 07:20

He’s the problem here. Get rid for good then try to rebuild your friendship, but one where you aren’t relying on her.

SomethingLessBoringInstead · 30/07/2020 09:04

It's quite possible that she's following advice from other people too. People whose priority is her safety and well being and not yours.

Being perfectly honest, it's what I'd have advised her to do if she was my friend and for all the reasons others have given.

I agree with removing him. Completely and then approaching her to rebuild the friendship if you can.

A friend of mine was a little naive and gave a woman a substantial amount of money to help her leave an abusive partner and set up home somewhere else. He was very confused and hurt when, 3 weeks later, she was back living with the guy again.

Some people don't understand just how difficult it can be to leave an abusive partner and make a clean break (my friend) whilst some people very much do (your friend).

So this isn't intended as a criticism of you but it is a reality that she has to face.

Please get some proper support in dealing with the situation Flowers

PinkConfetti · 30/07/2020 09:24

I don't blame her! I wouldn't stay involved with a friend who was bringing me into her domestic abuse and going back to him.
Sounds like she tried to help you but you decided to go back a few times and that's your decision.
She even offered to help you with a house.

I have a friend who is currently having an affair with a manipulative, abusive man. She's literally losing herself in him.
I've been understanding, I've listened but after months of her continuing to carry on with him, even though it's killing her, she's more annoyed with me than him because my advice is he's a waste of space.

Are you still with him?

majesticallyawkward · 30/07/2020 09:34

What an awful situation for you to be in. I do hope you find somewhere else soon.

However I think your friend did the right thing as far as she is concerned. She is getting abuse from a man she knows is violent, you going back to him whatever the situation means that it is not safe for her to be involved.

There may be no salvaging that friendship but take this as a lesson and take strength from it that you are better off without the ex in your life.

AramintaLee · 30/07/2020 09:44

Hi OP. I think blocking you is a bit extreme. I don't think I could do that to a friend who I've known for so long and been through so much with. It feels like such a final, decisive action.

Did she at least explain her reasoning?

gamerchick · 30/07/2020 09:48

It does sound as if you were planning on moving with him rather than away from him.

Unfortunately she's realised that this good deed could be more hassle than it's worth. You'll have to make other arrangements. However when he's gone for good, there's no reason you couldn't salvage your friendship in time. Once the dust settles.

Sakurami · 30/07/2020 09:51

Bless you. It sounds like she is worried about what your ex may do to her family or her house and maybe even worried that you'll move him in.

Stay with your mum until you find somewhere else?

forumdonkey · 30/07/2020 10:19

Were you planning on him moving in with you? It's not very clear from your OP.

Original poster
ItWillAlwaysBeJustUsThree · 30/07/2020 12:35

Thanks for all your comments and advice. No the house she was offering me was kept private. He doesn’t know anything about it or where it is.
He kicked off on her because he went through my phone and because I don’t keep many messages on there he convinced himself she was slagging him off, he has bipolar and is very unpredictable, he messaged her calling her fat, her partner came on the phone to diffuse the situation but my ex threatened to stab them with a knife and start a fight. I totally don’t condone this and it has gone too far and left to my mums and haven’t been back or seen him for 2 days now.
My friend haven’t even spoke to me about what has happened, she won’t tell me nothing that was said to her and in turn she doesn’t know what’s happened my end, Iv reaches out to her for days, and the flowers she recieved she just automatically blocked me so I can’t contact her at all.
I’m agreeing with everything she is saying and I can’t apologise enough for bringing trouble to her family.
I just want to fix it with her as she has been my friend for so long for it to end like this without even a conversation

OP posts:
Original poster
ItWillAlwaysBeJustUsThree · 30/07/2020 12:37

Also he was never moving in with me, that new house was a fresh start for me and children that she has now stopped. I don’t have any furniture either as I sold what I didn’t need on the promise of what she was putting in the house. I’m completely broken and didn’t want this for me or my children feel like Iv failed as a mother. Without a solid home for me and my kids

OP posts:
RaisinGhost · 30/07/2020 12:42

Also he was never moving in with me, that new house was a fresh start for me and children that she has now stopped.

I'm not being judgemental but I'm sure this is what you said the last two times.

Nothing about this is her fault so don't put the blame on her. He threatened to stab her!