Broken friendship... absolutely gutted

[ItWillAlwaysBeJustUsThree]

Please give me some advice?

I don’t have many friends or many mum friends. I had one best friend and we have been friends for 15years, went through school, had children weeks apart, stuck by each other through loosing parents, loosing relationships, everything.

For years I was in a domestically abusive relationship that put a strain on our friendship. I left for a year, then unfortunately I went back to him in hopes things have changed, but they didn’t. I ended up loosing my house (as my landlord gave it to his daughter, family over business) and I found myself forced into a situation where I had to live with him. Things weren’t good, so my friend offered me a house her partner was doing up that would be ready in a few months time. I was so excited, sold all the stuff from my old house as this house would have been partly furnished.

However my ex/partner was kicking off one morning and messaged my friend a load of abuse. I stuck up for her, moved out of the house and moved back in with my mother, spent 2 days apologising to her for his behaviour, sent flowers to her, but she refusing to speak to me, blocked my number, and told me that me and the kids now can not live in the house she have promised us.

I honestly don’t know what to do!!
Has she taken this too far? Or am I getting what I deserve? Is there anything I can do to make this better?

I think she had those horrible messages / calls whatever it was from him and the reality has hit her that because you've taken him back before, it's a possibility you might do so again and this time that would mean him being in the house she's renting you.

I know you say you won't take him back again and that may be true but I can see from her point of view that there is a risk of it happening and this time around she would be dragged into the situation even more due to the house.

I don't think she should have blocked you without explaining but this man (your ex) called her fat and it then escalated to threatening to stab her. I would have been terrified and I can see how she has just withdrawn herself from the situation entirely.

Can you see that might be what's happened?

She's scared. She's probably had the realisation that if you move into the house there is a chance, however small, that he might move back in with you and bring a whole load of drama and hassle and worry. And possibly damage to her property.

I know this is a horrible time for you and if she was a really good friend she would stand by you no matter what. But sometimes people aren't strong enough or are too scared to do what's right.

Probably best you don't mix friends and money anyway.

"Also he was never moving in with me, that new house was a fresh start for me and children that she has now stopped.*"
*
You sound like your blaming her, this isn't her fault, she didn't have to let you move in at all. She probably terrified because he's threatened to stab them. I get you've had a hard time but concentrate on yourself and your kids. You can still have a fresh start but it looks like your going to have to do more on your own.

Because he's abusive he's worn you down over the years and you're conditioned to think"it's not that bad" and minimise his threat level. She is not emotionally invested in him or had years of abuse so she has registered the threat level and acted accordingly. I'm sorry you're going to have to start afresh without him and when she sees you're free of him she will probably feel more confident in being your friend again. You've done the hard bit, you've left him. Stay strong, don't let him think he's all you deserve

This is someone you seem still embroiled with who has threatened to stab your friend and her partner. I’m not surprised she has had enough.

I went to school with someone who was murdered by her friends violent ex husband after she supported her in leaving him.

I sincerely hope you are able to find somewhere new and permanently get away from this man but you don’t seem to realise how scared your friend must be. I’m afraid you seem very much in the fog still. It’s not easy to leave an abusive relationship but staying around this man involves an element of choice on your part. Now you have brought threats to injure or kill to your friends door who has not chosen this. I’m sorry but I think you should leave well alone.

I would go to the police and report him

I'm sorry you're going through this.

If someone threatened to hurt me and anyone in my family I would be be backing off like mad and withdrawing any contact. I would not be prepared to take that risk?

This is what happens when people help you and you go back op. People invest themselves emotionally and genuinely want to help and usually put themselves out trying to help. And when you go back, you show that person how you can use and drain them emotionally. I'm speaking from my own experience of having trying to help a friend. What your partner did was enough for her. First you went back to him and then he threatened to stab her partner. I dont blame her.
It seems like you are genuinely trying to turn your life around, so maybe write her a letter/email and leave it there.
How does she know that you wont be bringing him back to her house?

He threatened to stab them??!

YABU - some flowers and an apology isn't going to easily make this better. Unfortunately you chose to go back to him knowing full well what he is like. If you were my friend I don't think I'd want anything to do with you either at the moment. Problem is how she can trust you not to go running back to him again??

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you are too much of a risk to your friend and her family. You can’t see the risk she can see.
You need to speak to Womensaid

He threatened to stab them because he thought your friend had said a bad thing about him.

Imagine how she might feel about him when he finds out you are providing her with a way to escape him and make a new start with the kids. Whether or not you ever go back to him, she will be afraid of repercussions.

I would make your priority getting a home for you and the kids. You have done this before, you can do it again. When you are truly safely away from your abuser, you can try and get a message to your friend and see if you can rebuild your friendship.

Your friend is afraid of what your ex/partner will do to her family. After that outburst plus the history of you going back to your ex she’s likely frightened you’ll move him in. Or even if you don’t move him in his threats were enough to scare her away so she doesn’t have contact with him.

I know it’s a shit situation for you as you thought you had a safe space waiting. Priority is to sort yourself and your DC accommodation whether that’s staying with your mum, going to a refuge or something else.

Concentrate on that. Once you feel settled and safe away from you ex then go back and see if your friend is ok. But for now give her space and time.

@gottastopeatingchocolate

He threatened to stab them because he thought your friend had said a bad thing about him.

Imagine how she might feel about him when he finds out you are providing her with a way to escape him and make a new start with the kids. Whether or not you ever go back to him, she will be afraid of repercussions.

I would make your priority getting a home for you and the kids. You have done this before, you can do it again. When you are truly safely away from your abuser, you can try and get a message to your friend and see if you can rebuild your friendship.

This. She's probably terrified that when he finds out she's helped you escape he will come after her.

I’m no way blaming her for any of this, I just feel that we should at least have a conversation about what’s happened.

The reason why he would never step foot in the new house is because apparently the area in which the house is in causes him PTSD. He says that he has PTSD from our relationship and the area we lived in. I don’t believe this but he has never been into this area since.

I’m hoping to give her some space and time and contact her with a letter to show her Iv broken away from him fully.

Thank you for all your advice. I just hope we can salvage some sort of friendship from this. Even if I don’t move into her house, I value her friendship more

@ItWillAlwaysBeJustUsThree

Also he was never moving in with me, that new house was a fresh start for me and children that she has now stopped. I don’t have any furniture either as I sold what I didn’t need on the promise of what she was putting in the house. I’m completely broken and didn’t want this for me or my children feel like Iv failed as a mother. Without a solid home for me and my kids

None of this is her fault. You're directing blame to the wrong place. You havent failed as a mother either... As long as you don't go back to him.

The reason why he would never step foot in the new house is because apparently the area in which the house is in causes him PTSD. He says that he has PTSD from our relationship and the area we lived in. I don’t believe this but he has never been into this area since.

You say he wouldn't set foot in the house due to PTSD regarding the area it's in but then also say you don't believe it.

And you and the kids being there would be a reason for him to go to the area that he hasn't had before.

I feel so awful you've had such a rough time but I think a PP was right when they suggested because he's been so abusive to you for so long, you maybe don't realise quite how terrifying it would be to have a known abuser contacting you and threatening to stab you.

You also don't know what he said to her, he may have threatened her and told her not to speak to you or he would do something to her / her family.

As I said upthread I think I would have let you know rather than not replying but that's easy for me or you to say when we weren't on the receiving end of this specific occasion of awfulness from him.

Hopefully that makes sense?

I don’t blame her at all, she has clearly been there for you and tried to help and she gets her life threatened in return

You clearly can’t make good decisions about your life and I would also be speaking to children’s services as there is a safeguarding issue here that you have failed to address and protect your children from a toxic family life
I hope things work out for you and your kids aren’t too damaged( assuming they are kids still) but she’s within her rights to block you now.

You will have to get away from this man and cut contact properly with him before he causes any more destruction in your life.

Make no mistake- this is your partner’s fault completely. You friend was doing a really kind thing for you. Then he ruined it. HE ruined it. Not your friend.

I don't believe that your partner wouldn't have come to the new house. If he was in your home two days ago reading your texts, he would have been in that house sooner or later. I don't think you understand how utterly unacceptable it is to threaten to kill someone. If course she's going to cut anyone off who increases her risk level in any way. You don't sound credible and I think you sound as if you feel rather entitled to the help she was offering you. It would be madness for her to have anything to do with you now.

Ah. He threatened to stab her DP. The person who was very kindly going to allow you to move into his newly renovated house.

How would you expect your friend to feel when you keep going back to a man like that OP? She’s probably scared for her own family.

My own best friend has just taken back the “man” who hospitalised her - losing her own 2 teenage DCs in the process (moved in with other family not removed by SS, because they refuse to live with him). I’m heartbroken at the decision she’s made but I haven’t abandoned her because I know one day she’ll wake up & need someone to turn to. Your friend didn’t walk away lightly OP.

This broke my friendship with someone I was really close to over the years. Her partner wasn’t violent but had a history of substance abuse. The amount of support I had given her over the years seemed to mean nothing, particularly when she said she was going to leave him and then didn’t which was emotionally exhausting. I don’t think she ever realised just how much it undermined the friendship. Eventually she did leave him, but not until she had lined up a replacement who has just come out of prison for dealing Class As. I just couldn’t do it anymore and ended the friendship. When I did end it, the new boyfriend decided to tell a friend of mine he was going to do something nasty to my dh and I and that I was a ‘nut job’. He didn’t actually carry out any of these threats but we were very scared for a while.

I can sympathise with your friend.

Of course you dont deserve this but from what youve just written, if I was your friend I would probably have nothing more to do with you either.

Threatening to stab her and her partner with a knife is fcking terrifying and appalling and I'm sorry but I would not be risking my life for you with an unstable person threatening me like that. I would also block you. I'm sorry as I know this isnt your fault but from what youve just said, you really cannot blame your friend for being scared for her own safety and not wanting anything to do with this situation.

This is what happens when people help you and you go back op. People invest themselves emotionally and genuinely want to help and usually put themselves out trying to help

Exactly, I'm not risking the safety of my children to befriend someone with a violent, threatening partner that they keep returning to. My safety is just as important.

I'm afraid op that you need to accept the house isn't going to happen. I guarantee that had I been your friend and my dp had needed to get involved in threats like that he would have instantly talked to me about his concerns that this was getting too close to home. Whilst I make my own decisions I would have listened to him. We had a different but similar consequences where DP stated outright he was concerned about anything that could bring violence to the door. Wouldn't matter how close a friend it got too close and she needs to protect her family. I know you don't mean to but your reasoning for him not going to the new house is wishy washy ,I say this not to be mean but be clear he needs to be gone , absolutely gone. No access to you , your phone or any idea where you are. Remove him completely no faffing about . I know it's easier said than done but in her shoes it looks a lot like you haven't made a complete break.