If you suspected your husband of an affair, WWYD?

[SomethingsUp2345]

He's been acting a bit weird for a while, my senses are telling me something is off and tonight I approached him unawares (not intentionally) and he flipped his phone over very quickly and in a guilty manor.
I can guarantee it wasn't porn because we are both partial and in all these years have never done so with the doors open and the kids in and out at 6pm after work...

I don't want to go into more detail because I don't want it to be under scrutiny.

The point of the thread is - what would you do if you suspected?

He denies all wrong doing. He's never been unfaithful to me before and I've been with him for about 22 years and we have a kids mortgage and obviously married.

Do I just sit on it and ignore my instincts?
Do I follow through and leave (I can't do that just based on a feeling and some weird and minor changes in behaviour).
Or do I sit and wait (for how long? A month? A year?!)

It's never crossed my mind in a million years to look at his phone and I he has a passcode as do I for security and I've no idea what it is and not have I ever cared.

WWYD?

I haven’t been in this situation (well to my knowledge anyway - I am divorced but for different reasons), but I would look for clues and when and if I became sure that I had been right, I would get my ducks in a row and then initiate divorce proceedings.

I am sorry you are going through this as it sounds hard.

What clues? And how?

How do I do that?

No one?

Is this a common theme in here?

Always follow your gut instinct because it's never wrong..
Confront him as soon as possible or otherwise your just going to keep thinking about it. If he's got nothing to hide then he'll happily show you his phone and let you go through it

I already have though.

I'd make it difficult for him to continue. Plan lots of events, make sure he is needed for childcare etc. Make sure he is included and involved in family life. And see how that goes.

I would watch and wait, and if I suspected something, get myself organised.

Clues

• being secretive about the phone
• ‘working’ late or unusual hours

Taking more care in appearance Going out meeting ‘friends’ more often Unusual transactions on the bank statement Etc

Oh and be busy even at home. Do everything and anything that includes him even if it's just watching a film or eating a nice meal. The less time he has to sneak away the better.

Another one - sending text at unusual times

You could approach it by saying 'look I feel our relationship has drifted recently, I feel less connected to you and wonder how you feel'. At least it gives you the opportunity to have a talk about the state of your relationship and try and gauge where he is. Don't mention any of your suspicions and see how his reaction is to putting you in a better place.
You say you've felt things have been 'off' for a while - is there something in particular that's made you wonder?

I'd try and guess his passcode. My partner cheated on me when our son was 5 months old. I just had that feeling something wasn't right.

I had his Instagram password anyway and one night I checked it and he'd been messaging some girl he worked with, it was completely harmless at that point and I'd seen messaged between them a few times so I wasn't bothered about that. But then seen he'd been searching for "work wife memes" and something just didn't sit right.

Couple of weeks later I found texts between them saying she was fired about what happened between them on Friday and she had a feeling he was just going to stay with me in the end.

Anyway, he completely denied cheating, until I had to pretend she told me what happened and then he admitted to everything 🙄

Alls I can say is, TRUST YOUR GUT I don't think it's ever wrong! If you sit here thinking something may be happening, you either need to find out yourself or question him about it otherwise you will drive yourself insane!!!!

Can you acces online phone bills for regular numbers you don't recognise?

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then listen to it.

I would be like a dog with a bone and would not rest until I had an answer. If he had cheated (and this includes in my book "just" text messages) I would end the relationship instantly. I know it's sometimes hard for people financially but I'd never tie myself to someone financially in the first place. You should never stay in a relationship unless it's because that person brings colour into your life - even if leaving cuts your heart in two. If they don't truly love you and you are undervalued - get the fuck out.

I don't know what I'd do, I'm not married. But trust your intuition.

My intuition has never let me down, it's just that we're conditioned not to have faith in ourselves. Socially shamed out of believing anything that isn't FACTS

You need to get a look at his phone.

Is it synced to any other devices?

We have a shared account for shared bills but we have our own personal accounts for our personal
bills, I can't access phone records.

Is it synced to any other devices?

No he has an Android and I have an iPhone.

What opportunity does he have to cheat and what do you think he is doing? Eg online only, at work, on tinder?
Just watch and wait would be my advice. You need his phone really, but right now he will be careful as you have expressed suspicions

Could you pretend you have lost your phone and need to google something and ask for his ?

If he is cheating, what would you want to do? Would you stay with him and hope it blows over or kick him out?

I would probably find a reason to use his phone, when he has his hands full in order to get the passcode, then use it for something innocuous. Then keep him busy all evening, so he doesn’t have a chance to change then code, then wait for him to fall asleep, then check his phone.

I’d google how / where to look for clues of cheating on whichever device he has.

I have experience with this! I had suspicions, did a little digging, was gaslit until I gathered enough info for him to admit to "just talking" to some woman online. He convinced me this was not a big deal but it wouldn't happen again.

Then a year later, I had a bad feeling again, snooped through his email and found he had met IRL with a women. I forwarded all the emails to myself and worked on finding out as much as possible before confrontation. I did this so he could not minimize it. Obviously you don't have to have the whole story to leave him, but for some of us it is REALLY hard to leave a comfy life without all the info.

Here are things to do:

Find out his passcode, maybe just watch him open his phone
Check for messaging apps such as: kik, line,snapchat.

look out for notifications on his screen from apps with unfamiliar logos and figure out what they are.

Check his computer search history.

Check his email.

Check phone logs, but I highly doubt any good info would be found. But if you do find a suspicious number, add it to your phone book and see if they have WhatsApp and what their profile pic is..

Sadly if you already mentioned your suspicious, he will be more on guard.

my personal experience is that a confronted man RARELY tells the truth and just gets better at hiding.

Ppl will saying I'm an unethical crazy snoop and will tell you to simply talk to your dh, but I'm telling you that won't work!

I would get all my ducks in a row before I challenged him. I would find evidence to support and/or negate your theory. Don’t mention your suspicions at all again. Try to look at his phone. If he does things like take the phone into the shower or loo then that’s very suspicious. I think generally people’s spidey senses are usually accurate. I hope you’re wrong and everything is ok 💐

OP
What other behaviour have you noticed?