Friends not replying to messages during lockdown

[BoomShacks]

Anyone else finding that friends aren't replying to messages during lockdown?

I have about 8 friends who I usually keep in regular contact with and have been trying to check in with them, but I'm not hearing back from most of them. Especially the last month or two.

Are people just totally fed up of lockdown and can't be arsed to speak to anyone anymore? I miss my friends!

I noticed some friends dropped off but I also realised I ignored some messages by mistake too.

I wouldn't overthink it too much if you generally like these people, it's a hard time and everyone is coping in different ways.

If someone sent me a message I would reply but I can’t say I’m making a big effort myself. I’m hoping I will be able to pick up the friendships again when we can actually see each other again and do something.

@Brightyellow it's the same for me, I'm bored of texting people, it just becomes a chore

Lockdown affects people differently - maybe they're struggling? I've become very insular, the fewer people I've seen the less I want to engage (I'd have expected the opposite). It goes far beyond just not being bothered, it's a real dread of speaking to people coupled with guilt about being a bad friend.

I'm not 'struggling', but I've got an awful lot on (international move, very complex work situation, house purchase fell through so now househunting again, homeschooling an eight year old, husband has been in hospital, cocooning parents, and we're both WFH in a tiny holiday rental with no mobile phone signal and intermittent wifi), and I'm simply not feeling communicative.

At the end of the average day, I am absolutely wrung out, and the last thing I want to do is message or do Zoom calls when I'm hoarse from eight hours of online meetings. I do generally reply, but not immediately, and I don't want to chat.

This does not mean that my friends are not important to me, but my desire to be left alone for a bit is just as valid as someone else's desire to 'check in' with me. Fortunately, my friends understand that.

Lockdown has definitely made me have a think about some of my friendships. There are a couple of people I just haven’t really heard from and it’s made me think do I really want them in my life anymore? I feel really sad about it. These are friends I had previously been having doubts about before lockdown anyway, mostly because I feel that it is always me making the effort in the friendship, and I suppose lockdown has just confirmed that to me.

I know people can have a lot going on, particularly when they have kids but to be honest I don’t really accept that as an excuse and think that if people want to be in your life they will make the effort?

I think a lot of people just feel like they've got nothing to say.

And if people are struggling maybe they don't want to admit it or talk about it?

It's hard right now.

I have a different view about people who are struggling but manage a polite reply saying they dont want to chat or similar, to those who dont bother to reply or reply with one word answers. It's all very well saying be tolerant of the person who doesn't reply, its strange times, they may be struggling etc etc but I'm having a crap time too and I still manage to be polite and consider other people's feelings. If I'm having a shit time then the person who messaged me might be too so deserves at least some form of reply sent with kindness. Ans I say that as someone who has really battled with my mental health during lockdown.

I know I'm totally missing the point of the thread but....

We're not in lockdown.

I'm just really tired at the moment so to be honest, I'm prioritising people that provide lightweight company over those who need more from me.

I think that you can just end up with nothing to say, nobody is doing much, everybody is staying in doing the same thing day after day

I am struggling a bit and texting about the news (or bloody COVID) or playing games online is not really doing it for me sometimes which is the hard reality. I have a really tough busy job, my DC are driving me up the wall and lots of housework to do. I often find people want to chit chat like my DM and I don’t always have the energy to do this. I don’t know what I would chit chat about - most days are all the bloody same aren’t they

@wheresmymojo

No, but we're still wfh, kids not in their normal summer activities, many activities not open, queues to get into things. I'm still exhausted.

I am fed up with one friend sending links to Twitter, YouTube and conspiracy theories all the time. Ignoring now.

I think because a lot of people are having to have work conversations via text and email now that some are having a bit of a phone burnout. That's how I feel sometimes anyway

During lockdown (not now so much) I ignored some messages from some friends. I suffered badly, loneliness, single, furloughed, kids not at home, no family and even though I desperately wanted to speak to someone I really couldn’t face some of my friends.

The friends, who, in my mind, were happy with their partners, jolly little families, loving lockdown who had no empathy for my situation and just by their whole demeanours made me feel worse, so my way of dealing with it was to ignore their messages.

It made me reevaluate some my friends (of which I am blessed to have a lot) and realise who really did ‘have my back’ and care the same way I did for them.

Just another point of view.

I often don’t reply straight away. I check that it’s nothing important i then wait until I’ve got time to sit and reply properly.

I found the same op but they did reply but it
One sided and rarely asked how I was. They mey up several times and I've been excluded. One them messaged me to ask if the pool was open that was it no how are you. The other friend is radio silence. I realise they aren't friends. I felt completely isolated and low in mood, havent seen hardly anyone and it would have been nice to check up x

It's a mixed bag, some have been brilliant and others..... not so much.

A couple seem to have forgotten how to interact. I had one friend who begged us to meet up as she was "so lonely and needed a girls catch up"

Then went quiet and when I text to confirm a couple of days before said "oh no my husband's free now so I'll leave it" ...... erm thanks!!

I also think people now have "Zoom fatigue" and are desperately trying to avoid online chats.

I'm just trying to be relaxed about it and not fall out with people because it's difficult for everybody in different ways at the end of the day.

I rarely replied to messages in lockdown, I had massive phone fatigue, fed up of zoom, FaceTime. My work quadrupled (all online) and I felt I was always on my phone whilst also trying to look after a toddler. I was always a bit slow in replying to messages but I was so pissed off with life I just gave up on responding I didn’t want to discuss lockdown and there wasn’t much else going on.

I’m slightly better now!

Echoing other thoughts on here - I remembered tonight I’d missed a friend’s call yesterday and planned to call him back tonight. But I’ve been up with two kids since 6am and I’ve been talked at - by children or co-workers - absolutely non-stop until bedtime at 8pm. The absolute last thing I want to do is engage, by text or phone, with anybody else. It’s not personal, and I feel horrible about it, but I simply don’t have the emotional or physical energy to interact with anybody else!

Bad friend here. I know some of my single mates are isolating alone and are feeling it.

I don’t ignore texts and I will call back when I have time but I don’t initiate anything. I’ve been flat out at work (not medical but key/essential work) with some huge corporate changes to manage too. We’ve had all our leave cancelled and we were homeschooling 3 kids until last week.
We also have elderly parents and their friends to shop for, pick up prescriptions etc. I’m done in and I can’t even think about caring about anything else. I’m here for my friends when they need something but I can’t do any more right now.

I’ll make it up to them when things calm down. I hope they understand.

It always frustrates and upsets me when I see threads like this with people insisting these strangers who they don’t personally know are definitely rude / bad friends / not worth it.

You just never know what’s going on.

I've noticed on my group chat with my core friends we've all fallen rather silent. So not a question of ignoring messages, and I don't think it's that we've grown apart because of lockdown (we all live quite far apart and have busy lives but we've been solid for about 20 years or so since uni). I think perhaps speaking personally - I don't feel I have anything to say at the moment. I'm really starting to struggle with lockdown. Work feels relentless, my DP and I are struggling somewhat and so I don't feel like spilling all of that on a group chat but equally don't have any bright funny 'chit chat'. I find it very difficult to say I'm not happy, partic on a group chat watsapp (evidently I find it easier to say to strangers on the internet).

These are such strange and difficult times OP and everyone is experiencing it very differently. I'm sorry they have ignored messages which I know can be hurtful but it might just be because they're struggling a bit, and not rude. I hope things get back to normal in due course.

I agree that this is always going to be a complex mix of issues and is rarely just down to rudeness. I also think it is unfair to place our expectations for how much someone else should reply at someone else's feet. At the end of the day if you aren't happy then either say something or walk away.