This is wrong, isn't it?

[Stuck99]

Been married 11 years, together 14. 3 kids under 9. We live a few hundred miles from my family, his are nearby, so we see them all the time. He's a teacher, so off work at the moment. I've been WFH part time for the last few months.

My mum lives on her own, is elderly, can't drive, has some mental health issues. I suggested going up to see her in a couple of weeks. I'd go alone, by public transport, just for two nights. It wouldn't affect any plans, or holidays away, anything like that, and the money is there, so I wouldn't be inappropriately spending.

He told me I wasn't allowed, because he'd have to look after the kids, and they're hard work. He said she'd have to come down here, or we'd all go and stay with her. She lives in a small house with no room for us, and he knows this. She's elderly and understandably doesn't want to go on public transport. He goes away for weekends whenever he wants, I'd say he's had far more time away than I have since we had kids.

This isn't fair is it?

PS - my mum hasn't seen anybody except one neighbour for months. I haven't seen her since December.

He's being unbelievably selfish

You know it's not right.

Go and visit your mother.

Definitely isn't fair. He should be able to look after your children whilst you go and see your mum. It's not like you're just going on a holiday like he does. I'd just go. Might be a good opportunity to prove himself wrong and know he can look after the children for a couple of nights.

Tell him to damn well look after his own children when asked or hell be looking after them 50% of the time on his own when you divorce him.
I've never heard anything so utterly selfish.

OP - are you seriously asking if this is fair?
I think - I’d be asking myself what my next steps are in this marriage.
He does realise that if you divorce - he’ll have to manage your ‘difficult time take care kids’ on his own for the time they are with him?
And - why exactly does he think that he gets to tell you what you are and are not allowed to do? Is this a normal dynamic in your relationship?

Go see your mum, with the kids, and don’t come back. He’s a twat.

Well, of course it isn't right, but I suspect he's not exactly the perfect partner in lots of other ways too as that level of selfishness permeates through everything in someone like that....

He is being so selfish! He should want to make your life easier and support you to be able to see your mum not make things more difficult for you. I think he is being very unfair not wanting to look after the children, they are his too! What would his reaction be if you ever said he couldn’t go away because you didn’t want to look after the kids? I imagine it wouldn’t be good as women often are just expected to get on with it.

Have you told him how unfair you think he is being?

go visit your mother sooo not fair

he’ll cope you both made you're children not just you!

plus he’s a teacher who better to cope with children!

He can look after the kids, he's perfectly good with them. He does it every school holiday when I'm at work. I don't work full-time, so it's not a six week slog alone, and he organises lots of evenings out for himself during the holidays, and I don't mind. I cover all child-related things during term-time, as I have the annual leave to do so. He's had them overnight alone before.

On the surface, he's a good man. But I'm beginning to think he's only a good man if things are going how he wants. It's not liked I'm trapped in the house, I make plans with friends, and he doesn't object. I don't know why he's being like he is about this. Even if he's doing it because he's pissed off with me for some reason, there's a lonely, vulnerable woman in this scenario too.

He told me I wasn't allowed, because he'd have to look after the kids, and they're hard work.

Not allowed? Remind him you were letting him know your plans, not asking for his permission.

Make those plans and go.

He can absolutely look after three kids. Thats his bloody day job. He just doeant want to.

I am beginning to think about what my future is.

On the surface, he's a good man. But I'm beginning to think he's only a good man if things are going how he wants. Probably this. And so not a good man at all.

@Stuck99

I am beginning to think about what my future is.

That’s wise. Can you go full time at work?

Could I go full-time? Possibly. Maybe. I think cuts at my place are coming though.

His family are very rich. Financially they prop us up. This gives him disproportionate power if the marriage ends, I feel.

Maybe the fact I've thought about this says it all.

As for today, I'm working, so I've shut myself in my office. I haven't spoken to him since he told me, and he knows how upset I am. I got the kids ready and left him to it.

OP I hope you go to see and stay with your Mum ... it's a precious time 🌺

Make your plans to go and visit your mother. Let him know what those plans are and then go. He has absolutely no right to tell you that you can't. If he can't manage the children then he can arrange childcare. But this is his problem, don't let him make it your problem.

Just do it. Go and see your mum. You don't have to have his permission.
She's elderly. If anything happens to her you wont forgive him.

Oh my goodness, sounds like he's had his own way for a long time and has got use to it.
He's a teacher for goodness sake, he must be use to looking after 30 children let alone three of his own !
Do the right thing and go and see your mum and tell him he is being selfish and unreasonable.

I know I could and should just go and I don't need permission, but I just wish it hadn't come to this. If I just go, he'll prove a point by giving the kids a shitty weekend and leaving the house in a state. That's not fair on them.

I feel stuck, hence the name change. We have (had?) a nice family life most of the time. Maybe that's prevented me from seeing the real picture. We have been happy. But I think he wants different things from a wife. It was OK when we were both working and had childcare sorted, but over recent months he's had to take on more childcare than normal. Maybe he is knackered. So am I. But why take it out on my mum?

Book your ticket. Go and see your mum. Don’t ask or suggest. Tell him you are going. Tell him he has to deal with the children and that he should reflect on the fact he gets time away and now you are taking time away. You are not his servant. You are not his employee (and employees are allowed holiday). Either you are a team where both parties get to do this or you are separate individuals and would be better off apart.

He is incredibly selfish, your poor DM is alone and l am sure could really do with your time, and he cannot look after his own dcs?

He should never have had 3 children if he didn't want to make the effort to bring them up.

Plus he does not get to 'not allow' you to do anything he is not in charge of you op.

Please go and see your mum and take a week.

I would like to witness my husband saying I wasn't 'allowed' to do something.

That's not on. They're his kids ffs - parenting is his job. What would he expect from you if the roles were reversed?

My husband can be phenomenally selfish sometimes but honestly this is awful. Does he have any idea how he sounds? He can't stop you from seeing your mother - irrespective of the fact that, as your life partner, he should be doing everything he can to support you to meet her needs.

Time for a big, serious talk?