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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is wrong, isn't it?

44 replies

Stuck99 · 28/07/2020 09:19

Been married 11 years, together 14. 3 kids under 9. We live a few hundred miles from my family, his are nearby, so we see them all the time. He's a teacher, so off work at the moment. I've been WFH part time for the last few months.

My mum lives on her own, is elderly, can't drive, has some mental health issues. I suggested going up to see her in a couple of weeks. I'd go alone, by public transport, just for two nights. It wouldn't affect any plans, or holidays away, anything like that, and the money is there, so I wouldn't be inappropriately spending.

He told me I wasn't allowed, because he'd have to look after the kids, and they're hard work. He said she'd have to come down here, or we'd all go and stay with her. She lives in a small house with no room for us, and he knows this. She's elderly and understandably doesn't want to go on public transport. He goes away for weekends whenever he wants, I'd say he's had far more time away than I have since we had kids.

This isn't fair is it?

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 28/07/2020 10:13

He's being unbelievably selfish op. You don't need his permission and after this, in your shoes, I'd be thinking long and hard about what the future holds. Also, I'd just go and see your Mum. If he leaves the house in a state, just leave it some more. He's not the boss of you!

MactheRover · 28/07/2020 10:14

He thinks he is the boss of you - not allowed - my arse. He sounds like a right cunt imho.

Original poster
Stuck99 · 28/07/2020 10:23

Right now, I'm just trying to do my job, which isn't easy, given how angry and upset I am. Everything you're all saying is right. I'm not blind to his faults, and this may be the final straw.

It's not easy accepting you may have to break up your family though. That's what I'm struggling with. Do I want to stay together? I don't think I want to like this. Is it salvageable? Only if I can be sure he won't make me feel like this in the future. And that bit isn't down to me.

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 28/07/2020 10:35

Would he go to therapy with you? Do you even want to?

GilbertMarkham · 28/07/2020 10:44

That's outrageous.

HoneyBee03 · 28/07/2020 10:45

My DH can be a bit like this. He's never spent a night on his own with our toddler and worries about the first time he does, but he's very honest about it and it bothers him that he feels that way. Of course it's still very annoying.

I know it doesn't fix the deeper issue, but can your DH's family take the kids for a few days while you see your mum? It might make a point, that you're having to source childcare because your husband won't step up. Right now I think it's important that you see your mum while you figure out how you feel about the situation.

TheShepherdsCrown · 28/07/2020 10:54

@Stuck99

Right now, I'm just trying to do my job, which isn't easy, given how angry and upset I am. Everything you're all saying is right. I'm not blind to his faults, and this may be the final straw.

It's not easy accepting you may have to break up your family though. That's what I'm struggling with. Do I want to stay together? I don't think I want to like this. Is it salvageable? Only if I can be sure he won't make me feel like this in the future. And that bit isn't down to me.

Oh @Stuck99 Flowers If you are living in a relationship where you get to do all the work without time to yourself or time to see your mum while he gets his time away it is not a good relationship. He either needs to attend counselling if and only if you want to give the marriage another chance or he needs to go. You are not responsible for breaking up a family. That is down to him, his selfishness and his attitude. A marriage is not a contract for you to never do what you want or need to because the other spouse can’t be arsed to take on responsibility for their children.
maddy68 · 28/07/2020 10:58

So you normally need to ask his permission?

I actually can't understand a situation where I would have to ask my husband to so anything actually let alone see my mum!

Original poster
Stuck99 · 28/07/2020 11:06

@maddy68

So you normally need to ask his permission? I actually can't understand a situation where I would have to ask my husband to so anything actually let alone see my mum!
This is the thing. I do get time to myself, as does he. I don't ask permission, I just say, planning an evening out with X, thinking of going to visit Y, need to go shopping for myself etc. I discuss it with him to check diaries and things, but there's never been an issue. He's happy to look after the kids, I've had a few weekends away alone since we had them, no disasters when I've returned. He thinks his job is more stressful than mine (probably true on the whole, but it's not like I'm sitting round doing nothing) and therefore does often put his needs and wants first. This is the first time he's completely opposed me doing something. It's not the first time he's shown signs of wanting to be the one in control, and this is why I'm saying this could be the final straw. I'm not in any physical danger, and neither are the children. I'm just not sure I'm the wife he expected or wanted, and I'm not sure he's deserving of any wife at all.

This is just cruel. I only have one parent, she's miles away.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 28/07/2020 11:30

OP - you only need a 3-4 examples of unreasonable behaviour for the divorce. This will do as one of them, easily. It’s unreasonable by any definition.

HoHoHolyCow · 28/07/2020 18:08

How are you feeling now OP? Have you managed to resolve things?

Original poster
Stuck99 · 28/07/2020 23:16

I don't know. He apologised for what he said and how he said it, but I'm still not happy. He didn't get why I was upset, it was more like he was apologising because he thought that's what I wanted to hear. I don't know. I still feel it was too cruel and controlling in the first place.

We're having a day out tomorrow with the kids. I have no idea how that'll go, or what'll happen afterwards.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 28/07/2020 23:30

Please OP.... visit your Mum 🌺

Original poster
Stuck99 · 28/07/2020 23:46

I will. I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 29/07/2020 00:05

A teacher who can't take care of children, even his own children? Wow. He is not your boss op, you only have one mum, go to her asap.

RamblinRosie · 29/07/2020 00:10

OP, I think the word “allow” is key here, DH doesn’t “permit” or “forbid” anything in our household, nor do I.

This is not a situation that I could accept.

YukoandHiro · 31/07/2020 15:49

How are things OP?

Original poster
Stuck99 · 01/08/2020 14:52

Well, we're being civil, but all is not forgiven - he's apologised for upsetting me, but not for what he said. I'm now not going to see my mum. She lives a very short distance from one of the newly locked down areas, so I don't think it would be appropriate right now.

I'm still considering my future in this marriage. This wasn't the only thing wrong, just one in a long list.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 22/08/2020 08:39

How are things now OP? Did you go to see your mum? Has your DH worked to try to amend things or dug his heels in?

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