Hoping someone reads this

[Kt90]

Hi I've also posted this in pregnancy forum and was told to also post on here I've just copied what I've put as it's so long here goes.

Hi. So I’ve been with my husband 10 years we recently married almost a year ago. We’ve always had ups and downs and only a very few people have said he treats me rubbish ( every one else thinks he’s brill ) although in someways he’s supported me with this pregnancy others ways he’s been awful. I always thought/ imagined he would be quite caring. Early on in pregnancy I suffer with HG and sickness was horrendous he never once came and rubbed my back to help he’s reply was always something like it will make me be sick seeing you throw up which I thought was a bit selfish all I wanted was him near. Foot rubs never gave me one either. I know this sounds a bit pointless but tonight he has been so horrible to me to the point I thought he may hit me or throw something at me. ( he has been violent before he pushed me and also had grabbed me by the throat this has happened on separated occasions but each only happend once). I wanted to get something in the loft so I asked him to which he said no do it yourself. So I tried to I was struggling with the ladders and twice I did actually make a bit of noise he stormed up the stairs literally screaming In my face slammed the ladder which I thought smashed the wall (it didn’t) and then went to sort of lunge at me with a fist stopped himself then grabbed the fan to throw at me. He was screaming telling me to get out the house I said no he was screaming that much spit was actually coming out he’s mouth. Called me the C word saying your not welcome in the house you have to get out. This is my house as much as he’s as I’m on mortgage(although only recently) now that I’m pregnant (22 week) my baby is my everything and all I can think about is how much I don’t want my baby to ever see this. As I’m writing this I have a lump in my throat and can feel tears about to start. All he seems to lately is upset me. It was my birthday not long ago and I said to him the morning if it ohh can I open my card and he’s like I’ve not wrote on it. He didn’t give it to me till 11am yes this might sound pathetic but I don’t understand how he didn’t write on it. As he can’t come to scans I booked private one thinking he would be great full and excited and he was like why would you waste money you get scan pics I can see those. I explained how magical it is when you actually see them on the screen (I cry everytime I see baby it’s just amazing) and he was like ohh no just get scan pics. I’ve not cancelled it as I still want to see baby. I am feeling very emotional lately but what I explained earlier about him going on at me I’m actually abit scared more so now that I’m pregnant and got quite a bump on me. I’m worried with the crying and upset its going to harm my baby. I’m so tired too he keeps saying why I don’t do nothing and lazy. I read pregnancy can make you tired so explained he’s like no excuse. I’ve started to feel little movements that sometimes can feel with hand (again so magical for me) I tell him to feel belly he does for all of 5 seconds and if he doesn’t feel anything straight away he will move he’s hand I said be patient and he just replied can’t be bothered I said what sitting there and just place hand on my belly he just says yes. He shows he’s happy sometimes and buys things but he doesn’t seem really that interested sorry to go on just need a little support. X

He's a dangerous abuser. Please contact women's aid and plan to leave.

He doesn't like that the baby is taking the attention away from him. He is dangerous. Please contact Women's Aid (don't let him know you're doing so) for support. They will be able to guide you.

first of all well done for coming here to get some advice.

You most certainly DO NOT have to put up with this and you're a really good Mum already because you know you have to protect your child.

You will be able to get help.

There's a thing called an Occupation Order where when a partner is violent, you can get them legally out of the property.

Women's Aid can help you start the process.

He's horrible and you have done nothing wrong.
www.womensaid.org.uk/

You can email them or do an instant chat.

This next link is for a charitable organisation called Domestic Violence ASsist and they help with Occupation Orders and non molestation orders.

www.dvassist.org.uk/

He's a cunt and you need to get rid for yours and your baby's sake. Please call women's aid.

They help you and apply for your legal help to get that nasty bastard out of the house. It doesn't matter if he owns it partially. YOU come first in the eyes of the law.

You need to tell your MW what happened. They will be able to help you.

He has been physically and verbally abusive. Even grabbing you by the throat once is enough. Domestic abuse often ramps up in pregnancy. You and your baby are not safe.

He’s not acting like a loving father at all. I’m not with dds dad and he cried at every scan, wanted pictures of his own so paid extra. Sees her on set days. He’s just bought her football kit ect. He’s smitten. Your partner sounds very abusive.

It will not be safe, also if he pushes you over in late pregnacy you could miscarry. Please get out!

So sorry OP but you and your baby are not safe around this man. Do you have somewhere you could go, like your parents? Or contact Women's Aid. He won't change so please don't waste your precious life thinking/hoping he will. He's an abuser - you need to get away from him.

He is an abusive arsehole, it often starts in pregnancy.

He's shoved you, put his hands round your throat (600% increase in likelihood he's going to kill you if you stay).
He's screaming, swearing, unhelpful, unkind.
Now instead of punching you with a fist, he's thrown an electrical appliance at you.

Do you think ANY of this is acceptable?
Did you grow up in a really abusive household?
Please don't bring a baby into this. Leave him now, go to a refuge. Move far away from him before he can prevent you doing so.

Don't give the baby his surname and don't put hm on the birth certificate. You'll regret it if you do.

You sound so lovely, I just want to give you a hugS

Please leave him sweetheart. You and your baby are at risk if you stay and you will be so much happier together. I don’t know if you are having a son or a daughter, but if you have a little girl and she comes to you in years to come and tells you this is what her husband is doing what advice would you give her?

It’s much easier to leave and start again when they’re little, even though it feels scary. Do you have family nearby? Can you go to your mums? Don’t fight over the house, get to safety and then deal with everything else. Putting his hands around your throat is one of the biggest red flags in an abuse situation, he could kill you. Your baby needs you.

He is extremely dangerous OP. You need to find a way to get away from him before your child is born.

You are not safe.
This is abuse and you need to separate as this will not get better and will only get worse.

I am sorry someone you trusted to love and cherish you have betrayed your trust at a time you are so vulnerable and need extra care

You poor thing, can you talk this over with your midwife?

firstly op, well done for identifying this abusive behaviour and taking a step to ask for advice and help.

He is an abuser, typically abusers wait until you are invested in the relationship to the point you won't be able to leave before escalating the abuse. Do not berate yourself as he will have hidden this side of himself from you and waited.

The abuse will get worse but his apologies and kindness will also escalate, he will tell you he can't live without you etc etc, this is typical manipulative behaviour.

He will try to alienate you from friends and family, it is important to try to keep friends etc despite what he may try to make you believe.

He will never have lost his temper, abusers rarely do - he will have planned his attack and stopped himself at a point he believes he will have scared you enough.

So what can you do?

talk to your midwife, friends and family. Report to the police and they can issue a dvpn, make him leave the house for a month. seek support fro the ncdv.

i promise you that there is another option, another life to what you live now. You will be happier, read some of the threads in classics regarding people's experiences for inspiration.

Kt I really hope you are listening to these replies. Your post is deeply concerning. Your husband is abusing you. He is not a nice person (even though sometimes he might be nice - ALL abusers are nice some of the time). He does not love you.

Your instinct to not let your baby see or hear any of this is spot on. You have the potential to be an amazing mother and give your child the best start in life. But not by the side of this abuser. If he can’t handle living with a pregnant woman how do you think he will handle living with a new baby who cries all night or a toddler who tantrums or a child who leaves mess everywhere and talks endlessly about nothing or a teenager who argues all the time?

At 22 weeks you have time. Please listen. You need to leave this man. Your baby needs you to leave him. Whether that will mean him moving out or you moving out is something you will need to work out in advance, but work out a plan and do it. Protect yourself and your child.

Do you have any family ? Please tell them what he has done so they can support you.
This will only escalate and you need to get away from him for yours and your baby’s sake.
If you are frightened please ring the police for help.

Abusers often take advantage of the vulnerability of a pregnant women to increase their violence. Please be extremely careful, you are in a dangerous situation as he has already grabbed you by the throat, a real danger sign.
You need to get help, as mentioned above, and plan to leave him. Have you got family that you could go to?
This must all be so frightening for you, I hope you stay safe.

Thought I copy and paste this on here too as I got some comments similar thought it be easier to do this.

Good morning I didn't think I'd get so many replies and just been reading them all now. I'm at work soon so may not be able to reply for a bit.

In regards to the hand on my throat this was a while ago and the only time he's down this but certain things like calling me names , lunging at me and breaking/going to throw things has happened a fair amount of time.

As daft as it may come across we was trying for a baby for a very long time and had failed fertility treatments was told it wouldn't happen naturally and then April I took a test and there the positive was.

I'm also worried as he drinks too. Not constantly but when he does he makes up for loss times (the weekend before) I've said this has got to stop which he laughs at me. He is the main household incomer ( although I do work) I pay him as much as I can each month towards mortgage.

What really upset me is that a few weeks ago (again drunk but has said it on a joking way but I no deep down he's being honest) he wants a dna test. I was unbelievably shocked. We don't hardly ever have sex and one of the reason why is because he can go nice for a while then he will just turn and be nasty so I never feel I want to have sex (he always says I must get it elsewhere) I always say to myself I don't no how it happened as we never have sex hardly but I suppose it only take one time.

We have a security camera outside which shows everybody that comes to the house but then he makes a stupid comment like well you could of unplugged it I'm like I really wouldn't go through the effort of doing that.

Going back to the baby. He was 'happy drunk' the other night so I tried to make a joke ( but being and meaning seriously). When baby's here you can be drinking like this and said I'll leave and take baby. My mum was a druggy and alcoholic and I was taken off her when I was around 9ish 10. Also he's mum actually died from drinking years ago so it really surprises me with him and he's extreme drinking ( as mentioned normally Friday and Saturday but he goes through a lot). I said I don't want my baby to ever encountered a smidgen of what I saw. He's answer was like that's why they grow up to be snowflakes I said I'd rather my child not see any of that and he was like so you don't want baby to ever see a drink. I said no that can't be helped but seeing he's closer parent drinking like you do and act sometimes it scares me so god knows how a child would feel.

He said you won't take my child from me I said keep drinking and I will he said you wouldn't get the baby I make too
Much money for the baby to be took of me if anything it be you that wouldn't get the baby also mentioned about my past with mental health.

My mental health was based on my childhood I saw a lot of things go off that no child should see it caused me in teenage and later life to suffer anxiety. I had severe panic attack at one time. For the past 10 or so years although I feel in some situations not great I've learnt to deal with it and no that it's normal to feel like it sometimes my panic attacks are almost non existent. But basically saying I wouldn't get custody of the baby. Again this scares th elite out of me because this baby is so special.

He wanted a girl I was not bothered what we would have as I've wanted this baby so long it's truly is a miracle and blessing. Scan revealed boy and if I'm honest I'm very happy. I want to breast feed so my baby is with me as much as possible. Husbands like just do bottle I said I want to atleast try breastfeeding as it's best for them I understand it may not work out but I want to breast feed him.

He's been good in ways were he's literally done the nursery beautiful just got a few little things to do. I brought baby a few Mamas's and papas bit to which he was like what the hell thats too expensive he will wear it once and not for him. I no there's other shops out there but I just couldn't resist going in and fell in love with a set. Surely if I'm paying for it doesn't matter the cost. I know some of this is pointless what I'm saying now and maybe I am being hormonal. I don't have anyone to speak to I don't have friends or family members really who I feel I could talk to that's why I came onto here.

I managed to fall asleep before he came up to bed last night he's now left for work and I'm literally sat in bed cuddling teddy's I've brought for baby. I feel like I'm being a kid but it's the only comfort I'm getting.Thank you all for your advice.

I listen to a radio 4 programme last week about domestic violence and throat grabbing is a massive risk factor for being murdered by your partner. This relationship is toxic, please leave, don't let your son grow up watching his father abuse his mother. There's help out there. Tell your midwife and ring women's aid. Maybe look into doing the freedom programme. I wish you the best of luck with your baby. You'll be a wonderful mother and there's zero chance he will get custody of your baby x

I think you seriously need to speak to someone about this and make plans to leave. You obviously don’t feel safe with him and do you really want to have your baby live in such an environment?

Please contact Women’s Aid or speak to your midwife, gp or someone else you can safely speak to.

Please don’t listen to him when he says you won’t get custody, it’s nonsense! First, please follow the brilliant advice on here to get to safety- women’s aid etc. He should NeVER be touching you, but you know that.
It sounds like there’s lots of emotional abuse here too but the hand round the throat (even “just” once) is a massive alarm.

After that, speak to a solicitor (many will give you 30 mins free). Try to have as much of your house/financial info as you’re able to hand. They will be able to give you a really good idea what you might be entitled to and also advise on how contact could go, bearing in mind he’s abusive and has a drink problem/Possible alcoholism.

Re the drinking, your instincts are spot on and you need to protect your child. I’m so sorry you went through all that with your mum. When you’re ready, it would be worth speaking to Nacoa (help children/adult children of alcoholics).

You sound so lovely and a brilliant mum already. Trust your instincts and I hope you can get you and your baby far away from this awful man.

He put his hands on your neck. That’s all that matters

Leave now

@Kt90

Please read this.

Domestic violence is dangerous - you already know that. What you might not know is that you're in an incredibly dangerous situation

Two major risk factors for being killed by an abusive partner are:
Him putting his hands on your neck/choking you, and
Being pregnant or recently given birth.
There is a link between abuse during pregnancy and a woman’s chance of being killed by her perpetrator

He's already showing these classic signs - there is a considerable risk that your partner's behaviour will escalate

You need to leave but you also need to plan it carefully as leaving is also dangerous. Do NOT tell him you are leaving. Get a friend or family member to help you. Contact Refuge or women's aid for advice
Please be careful and leave - you need to protect your baby and yourself.

www.refuge.org.uk/our-work/forms-of-violence-and-abuse/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-and-pregnancy/

Hello lovely

This was my ex

It was gradual and got worse and worse

Then throwing things at me ironing board
Table etc