Hoping someone reads this

[Kt90]

Hi I've also posted this in pregnancy forum and was told to also post on here I've just copied what I've put as it's so long here goes.

Hi. So I’ve been with my husband 10 years we recently married almost a year ago. We’ve always had ups and downs and only a very few people have said he treats me rubbish ( every one else thinks he’s brill ) although in someways he’s supported me with this pregnancy others ways he’s been awful. I always thought/ imagined he would be quite caring. Early on in pregnancy I suffer with HG and sickness was horrendous he never once came and rubbed my back to help he’s reply was always something like it will make me be sick seeing you throw up which I thought was a bit selfish all I wanted was him near. Foot rubs never gave me one either. I know this sounds a bit pointless but tonight he has been so horrible to me to the point I thought he may hit me or throw something at me. ( he has been violent before he pushed me and also had grabbed me by the throat this has happened on separated occasions but each only happend once). I wanted to get something in the loft so I asked him to which he said no do it yourself. So I tried to I was struggling with the ladders and twice I did actually make a bit of noise he stormed up the stairs literally screaming In my face slammed the ladder which I thought smashed the wall (it didn’t) and then went to sort of lunge at me with a fist stopped himself then grabbed the fan to throw at me. He was screaming telling me to get out the house I said no he was screaming that much spit was actually coming out he’s mouth. Called me the C word saying your not welcome in the house you have to get out. This is my house as much as he’s as I’m on mortgage(although only recently) now that I’m pregnant (22 week) my baby is my everything and all I can think about is how much I don’t want my baby to ever see this. As I’m writing this I have a lump in my throat and can feel tears about to start. All he seems to lately is upset me. It was my birthday not long ago and I said to him the morning if it ohh can I open my card and he’s like I’ve not wrote on it. He didn’t give it to me till 11am yes this might sound pathetic but I don’t understand how he didn’t write on it. As he can’t come to scans I booked private one thinking he would be great full and excited and he was like why would you waste money you get scan pics I can see those. I explained how magical it is when you actually see them on the screen (I cry everytime I see baby it’s just amazing) and he was like ohh no just get scan pics. I’ve not cancelled it as I still want to see baby. I am feeling very emotional lately but what I explained earlier about him going on at me I’m actually abit scared more so now that I’m pregnant and got quite a bump on me. I’m worried with the crying and upset its going to harm my baby. I’m so tired too he keeps saying why I don’t do nothing and lazy. I read pregnancy can make you tired so explained he’s like no excuse. I’ve started to feel little movements that sometimes can feel with hand (again so magical for me) I tell him to feel belly he does for all of 5 seconds and if he doesn’t feel anything straight away he will move he’s hand I said be patient and he just replied can’t be bothered I said what sitting there and just place hand on my belly he just says yes. He shows he’s happy sometimes and buys things but he doesn’t seem really that interested sorry to go on just need a little support. X

I haven't commented on a thread in over 5 years but I got as far as the 2nd sentence in the 2nd paragraph and knew I had to. 'only a few people say he treats me rubbish'.... Read your words again. And now imagine you're having a conversation with a friend you're concerned about, and you mention that you can see her partner treats her badly and her response is 'yeah only a few other people have warned me about this before... Not loads, just a few'. One person saying that is too many people. It doesn't matter how many people haven't said anything - they either are not brave enough, don't feel its their place, or he has managed to just about keep himself in check in their company so far.

You know this isn't right, that's why you posted. You've taken the first step already, well done! Please speak to your midwife, if he isn't interested in scans I'm assuming he doesn't come to appointments either? That's really good news for you if so, it will be easier to talk to her. She should be asking you if there's any abuse each time she sees you on your own, and all you have to do is say yes. Just one little word, that's your next step. The relief you will feel from just saying that word and not having to hide it anymore is immense.

Good luck, and please keep us updated. We're all here for you x

Just to also add

I stayed with the bast----

He continues to abuse me now we have fled
It started in pregnancy and GOT WORSE THREE WEEKS AFTER THE birth

Be very careful

Pregnancy is one of the most likely times for abuse to escalate.

A man who attempts to strange his partner (including putting his hands around her throat even if he didn't do it until you were unconscious) is 6 or 7 times more likely to kill her.

Don't bring a baby into this. You need to leave him before baby arrives, otherwise it will be a million times harder for you.

You deserve more and you have some choices, though I appreciate they feel limited due to his abuse wearing you down.

Your baby has NO choices. You need to make them for your baby - leaving a dangerous man and dangerous situation is you putting that baby first.

You cannot stay.

If he's been like this before you were pregnant, and now he's like this when you're pregnant,with no real stress .....

I really really fucking dread to think what he'll be like when the baby arrives. Maybe you'll get a constantly sleeping, calm, chilled, undemanding, non crying baby you can take everywhere with no issues; but, tell you what, I didn't, nor did lots of people I know. It's been a marathon of sleep deprivation, interrupted sleep, colic, possetting (spewing up) crying, vaccinations, viruses, fever, teething (very hard going at times), tantrums (from long before two), interrupted meals, interrupted walks, stressful car journeys, tonnes of washing, crying, more crying (a girl I know said her son's cried so much, she could hear it like ringing in he'd ears even when they stopped), I could go on. It has tested myself and my partner to the limits of our endurance, patience, tolerance and calm over and over again, it has affected our relationship a lot, it had been harder than either of us imagined ....

I'll be brutally honest, I wouldnt fancy being you or your child in a house with this ban. You need to be either in the house on your own with as much help as you can get, or staying with relatives, with as much help as you can get.

He won't get custody due to having/making more money. Doesnt work like that. Whoever's the main carer (usually the mum) generally always gets it .. a d I'm presuming you'll be off on maternity and the main carer for your baby fir nine months or more?

Also anxiety etc are not reasons I could ever imagine social services or whoever removing a child from their main carer's custody. Lots and lots of people suffer from anxiety, depression etc.

Make sure you breastfeed (even if it's just combination feeding of breast feeding doesn't go well for you) .. in any case he doesn't have to know you're not fully breast feeding if you're not living together. You can use breast feeding as a means to stop him from getting overnight access/long stretches if he tries to go for it for as long as you do it.

What you also need to do is log his behaviour including the past stuff, so it's known/recorded that he's aggressive and violent. That's v important and will go against him in anything he tries to say about you/do to you.

The best way to do that

.. is through Women's Aid.

They'll be able to give you lots of advice and support.

The threat to take the baby off you and say you're crazy/unstable/blah blah is as old as the hills, it's a standard abuser line. They'll know how best to advise you on that a d everything else.

It's actually good that you're married, you'll now stand to get a portion (50-50 is the starting point usually) of any assets, including any equity in the house.

If you hadn't been, all you'd get is child maintenance (if he didnt find a way if getting out of paying it).

Women's aid and/or citizens advice will be able to advise you in what you can get during maternity, and afterward if you continue to work part-time, or stop (or whatever) and see what income you'll have to manage your outgoings.

Oh and btw, these guys who say they'll take the babies/kids off their mothers; not only have virtually no chance of doing it, but when it comes down to it don't want to do it. They can't be arsed. They can't be bothere having them for the small amount they have them when they're separated/divorced, let alone full.time.

Babies and children are hard work, and they don't want to do it, they're by and large lazy and selfish and consider all that "women's work". The more likely scenario is that they'll barely bother their arse, do.some half assed access, dick around with maintenance (they always say they're going 50-50 residence because they find out they'll pay little or no child maintenance if they do that, bit then the reality of that hits and they fall away from anything approaching 50-50). A lot of the time they're absent fathers, a d their focus ends up being themselves and their new/latest victim.(ahem, girlfriend).

@Kt90 yeah, he is going to kill you, so, you're going to need to leave.

Being pregnant and having a partner who has put his hands on your neck = he is probably going to at least try to murder you. Either while you're pregnant or soon after.

It literally doesnt matter how you feel about him, what he says, what you predict he will do, etc hundreds of women have thought their partner "would never". And then that same partner kills them. It is literally that simple. You have to go and never come back to him.

He is a person who screams abuse at you, is violent, etc. Again, not sure where you learned that this is all ok, but it simply isnt. Dont put your innocent baby through a violent, terrifying childhood. Contact women's aid and protect the baby. You are the baby's only hope.

Oh and don't forget to tell womens aid that your anxiety has worsened/really became a problem due to him attacking you, choking you, throwing things at you etc. etc.

Whose anxiety wouldnt be high being with someone like that?

Women's aid have an online chat thing now as well as their phone lines (and waking into one if their branches).

Op that sounds absolutely horrendous you don’t deserve this. You sound like a lovely mammy already. Get support around you and run!! Your baby will already hear this abuse. Bless you I hope you get sorted and I wish you and your baby a happy future. Xxx

He said you won't take my child from me I said keep drinking and I will he said you wouldn't get the baby I make too
Much money for the baby to be took of me if anything it be you that wouldn't get the baby also mentioned about my past with mental health

If he can’t be bothered to feel your stomach for a kick why on earth would he think he would be bothered actually looking after a baby