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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He tried to kill the cat

45 replies

PaperDreamsHoney · 27/07/2020 22:33

I feel sick typing this. My marriage has been miserable for years and I've been starting to make plans to leave, but today I discovered something.

Whilst looking for something on husband's bookshelves I found a letter he wrote (but presumably never sent) to our minister. In it he admitted that years ago he tried to strangle one of our cats to death after she soiled the carpet. The cat was elderly and sick, and he wrote that he was in a rage and tried to kill her because it would make his life easier.

Now I know why that cat was always afraid of him. We have 2 young children and while I don't believe he'd hurt them, I never thought him capable of cruelty to an animal either. I had been planning for leaving in about a year to give me time to get some money together, but part of me wants to tell him to get the fuck out now. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 27/07/2020 22:35

If you can accelerate your plans to leave, I would

StillWeRise · 27/07/2020 22:36

go through with your plans, get local support, be careful not to let him know (can he read this? if you think not, how confident are you about that?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 27/07/2020 22:39

Did you keep the letter? He ever tries to make your life hell I would expose him.
I suspect my exh did actually kill my dcat...

verypeckish · 27/07/2020 22:43

I would copy that letter and send it to the police, the local newspaper, the RSPCA, his parents and every single one of his friends. For starters.

And then I'd... well, I know what I would do if someone ever did anything like that to my cat. And it would probably put me in jail for life.

fuckinghellapeacock · 27/07/2020 22:47

Can you leave now? Take a copy of the letter. I would not send it to the local newspaper!

Baybetterdays · 27/07/2020 22:47

Jesus. Why are you with this man?

Lochie662 · 27/07/2020 22:48

I'm so sorry, absolutely shocking behaviour. I've never read anything like this... You have to leave him as soon as you can. His reaction to a cat causing him stress is extreme. How do you think he is going to react to you leaving? When you do it, have support with you at all times.

frazzledmomof3 · 27/07/2020 22:52

Leave immediately. Book into a hotel if you have to. Take that letter, take a copy and send to police.

Original poster

PaperDreamsHoney · 27/07/2020 22:54

@Lochie662

Honestly I'm expecting him to run crying to his mum about how it's all my fault and it's not fair etc etc.

I have a few friends locally but no family closer than 500 miles away.

OP posts:

MitziK · 27/07/2020 23:00

Copy it. Many, many times.

And use one of them for the police, one for the council to apply for emergency housing (near your family, preferably), and one for the courts.

You need to get out now.

backseatcookers · 27/07/2020 23:04

Fuck. This made me feel physically sick. For starters take a picture of the letter so you have it saved somewhere. Send it to someone you trust. And start putting your plan in place to leave him, he's disgusting.

ohwhattodowithmylife · 27/07/2020 23:06

Keep the letter, get all your documents and any other evidence you may need.
Speak to a domestic abuse charity in your area ASAP. Sending love and strength x

crankysaurus · 27/07/2020 23:06

I would also look to accelerate leaving but keep quiet about it and about the cat. Will it take you long to get things together and sort out the practicalities of leaving?

crosseyedMary · 27/07/2020 23:11

I'd say that's pretty big red flag but you should keep it under your hat .....just carry on with your plans

Horehound · 27/07/2020 23:13

Oh that's horrendous. Leave him asap!

Opentooffers · 27/07/2020 23:15

Wow! It would of been interesting to know what a minister would of made of that, but I guess he never sent it, strange he should keep it. I'd have a bit more of a rummage through the bookshelf to see what other gross things he's written of. However, strikes me as odd that a bookshelf should be termed as 'his' at all, says alot about how dysfunctional your relationship must be. I'd repel and recoil at that to the point where I would not want to share residence another day longer. You say you'd kick him out in a year, like it's your plan that he leaves ultimately, do it now, make him pay, sometimes they surprise you by going with less fuss than anticipated when things have been bad long enough, it's no surprise. Disengage for a few weeks ( should not be hard given what he's done) then suggest split.

tickertyboo · 27/07/2020 23:18

Trust your instinct. Only you know whether it is safe to remain there.

The writing of the letter suggests it was done to alleviate his guilt for the disturbing behaviour. Maybe it was a cry for help? Maybe it wasn't?

Try to ask yourself this 'what do I want to happen now?'

PineappleSquosh · 27/07/2020 23:19

Someone who attacks an elderly defenceless cat is one step away from attacking a person. Get out NOW. Use the letter as evidence to prevent him getting unsupervised access to your DC, if you have any. He’s a danger to all of you.

Embracelife · 27/07/2020 23:20

A marriage that s miserable "for years " and two young children
..were they forced on you or did you hope children would change him?
Don't spend another 12 months with him. Get out.
What happens when kids annoy him?

dublingirl66 · 27/07/2020 23:25

Not two more days with this man

Run a mile

Vile human 🤬🤬🤬

Original poster

PaperDreamsHoney · 27/07/2020 23:27

@Embracelife

A marriage that s miserable "for years " and two young children ..were they forced on you or did you hope children would change him? Don't spend another 12 months with him. Get out. What happens when kids annoy him?

We've been married more than 15 years. This incident would've been about 10 years ago, before the kids were born. We're religious (or he is, I want out) so getting married and having kids is just what's expected.

OP posts:

JenandFlo · 27/07/2020 23:32

What was context of DH making this confession? Was he deeply ashamed / fearing for his mental state and reaching out for help from the Minister, did he believe the elderly cat was suffering and try to put it out of its misery or did he do it in anger and seem blasé about it? Has your DH received any help for anger management?

The answer to above would determine my course of action.

Original poster

PaperDreamsHoney · 27/07/2020 23:37

@JenandFlo

The answer to above would determine my course of action.

Definitely in anger, not trying to put the cat out of her misery. He said he felt bad about the "sin in him".

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 27/07/2020 23:46

Being religious, does not make a better person, it just produces more hypocrisy and creates constraints, because it is a form of constraint. He's a twat, but because he's religious, he's a twat that knows he's wrong after it's too late, after the fact - maybe he felt he should keep the confession because he knows it was generous, part way there, might have stopped him doing as bad since, but has kept it secret for 10 years rather than getting therapy for it like a mortified, decent man wou do. Deeply messed up.

Opentooffers · 27/07/2020 23:49

Henious, not generous!

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