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Original poster

Bf interested in another woman?

31 replies

Crazycatlovers1988 · 27/07/2020 18:52

My boyfriend and I have been together around a year. I have doubts about him and the relationship, which I won't go into here now, but I want to ask for your thoughts on something which has happened on the weekend.

He is part of a running and hiking group with a close knit circle of friends and some acquaintances. I have met most of them, and I really like them - mostly women and some men, similar age and background. He asked if it would be ok for him to go on a week's hiking trip with three of the women, who he has known a long time, and I thanked him for asking me, and that of course that would be fine - I know the women, and I trust him and them.

He was meant to be going on a hike on Sunday and had to leave by a certain hour in the morning, but it fell through when he said the group were being flakey about the meeting up arrangements. Regardless, he rushed me out the door by 9am, so he could go out hiking alone if need be. I didn't even have a chance to finish my breakfast or cup of tea. I felt like crap, and like he could not wait to get rid of me. I told him, that I had come all the way to his place, and did not expect to be hurried out like an unwelcome guest. He said sorry, but that he had to train for the intense hiking week he has planned.

Anyway, the next day, he mentioned that he didn't go out with the group after all, but just with one of the fellow hikers, and then carried out telling me about something else. When I asked him, so who did you hike with, he mentioned a woman's name. He has never told me about her, and I figured out, he would have definitely known he was going hiking with her on Sunday morning when I was with him, because she would have had to travel by train to meet him. I did some online stalking, and she is only 20-21 years old, and he is 44! He has always dated much younger women. The fact that he's never mentioned her, despite talking loads about his other friends all the time, is also a red flag. He also seemed in a very good mood in the morning but he may have just been happy anyway.

I am usually very open, and trusting, and not the paranoid type at all. But this sounds fishy to me. Does it sound suspect to you as well?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2020 18:59

The red flags are waving high and bright.

Tappering · 27/07/2020 19:06

Massive red flags.

If you have doubts about the relationship already then dump him.

pennysea · 27/07/2020 19:11

I'm afraid this doesn't sound good. From my experience there is only one reason a 44 year old man wants to spend alone time with a 20 year old woman.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2020 19:14

I did some online stalking, and she is only 20-21 years old, and he is 44! He has always dated much younger women.

That alone is enough to give this man a hard pass.

MikeUniformMike · 27/07/2020 19:15

Trust your gut instinct.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 27/07/2020 19:16

Next hike you casually mention your new hiking stuff is in your car - - surprise you are joining him!

Original poster
Crazycatlovers1988 · 27/07/2020 19:29

Thanks. These are my thoughts as well.

We were meant to be going away on a trip for a week. Just don’t know if I want to go anymore. I need to make a decision in the next few days.

Rushing me out the door was bad enough, but for a hike with a woman half his age doesn’t sit well with me.

OP posts:
Lizzie523 · 27/07/2020 19:30

This sounds almost identical to a situation I was in with an ex. I couldn't trust him and he had a roving eye. Spare yourself the pain now I'd say.

Original poster
Crazycatlovers1988 · 27/07/2020 19:30

I do believe though that his hiking group let him down last minute, but it’s all the hidden info at the time - he’d see have known he was seeing her when he was rushing me out the door. He’d have had no problem telling me if it were any of the other group members.

OP posts:
Lizzie523 · 27/07/2020 19:36

Exactly. The same thing happened to me. Rushing out the door and conveniently not mentioning the woman until after the fact. My ex lacked honesty and integrity. Those are absolutely essential to a happy relationship.

So I dont think it looks great.

MsDogLady · 27/07/2020 19:55

Regardless, he rushed me out the door by 9am, so he could go out hiking alone if need be.

Alone if need be? He intentionally lied to you. He had already made plans with this woman, and she was likely on her way when he rudely rushed you out mid-bite. He wanted you gone so he could prioritize her. This suggests that he is very interested in her.

He lies, manipulates, and is only transparent when it suits him. Move on.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 27/07/2020 20:13

Yet another thread that makes me believe that women are loyal and undramatic whilst men are heartless, lying, cheating cunts.

Dollyrocket · 27/07/2020 20:14

Definitely dodgy.

Always trust your gut Sad

SandyY2K · 28/07/2020 00:08

Yet another thread that makes me believe that women are loyal and undramatic whilst men are heartless, lying, cheating cunts.

Women aren't any more loyal than men.

Go on www.survivinginfidelity.com and the cheaters are pretty much a 50/50 split...men tend not to talk about it as much when their DW/DP cheats ... out of shame and embarrassment.

Isthisnothing · 28/07/2020 08:50

I wouldn't go away with him and would give him a very wide berth for a couple of weeks so you can give the whole setup some thought.

Maybe you don't feel it's enough of a reason to end the relationship. But have a think about whether the relationship is worth it at all.

Personally I don't think there is any point talking to him right now about your doubts. I would tell him i plan to be 'busy' for a couple of weeks. He sounds deceptive and manipulative.

Original poster
Crazycatlovers1988 · 28/07/2020 08:57

Thanks Isthisnothing I’m not speaking to him much right now and he can sense it. I was short on the phone and he called back to ask if something was wrong. I played dumb. But he knows. I didn’t ask about the hike and he only mentioned a few things and nothing about the girl. This is unusual as he would usually tell me all the goss. We are meant to be going away this weekend and I was thinking of mulling things over, just to be sure so I do it when I’m ready. I was thinking Friday to end it if I can - I will lose a lot of money as I booked the holiday in my name, but I’d rather lose money than my integrity.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 28/07/2020 09:13

The issue is he lied. He knew when he was shoving you out the door that morning that he was waiting for this woman to arrive. And that's the dodgy bit. I'd leave him for that alone.

Original poster
Crazycatlovers1988 · 28/07/2020 09:19

The sad thing is that if I were 20 years old, and had the rest of my life ahead of me, I’d dump him and not think about it again. But I’m mid thirties and want to have a family. Starting again is so scary but I guess I would rather be alone than with the completely wrong man. And if I leave him now, I still have a bit of time to possibly meet someone new.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 28/07/2020 09:27

Can you go away alone/with a friend?

At least have a conversation with him and end things ASAP. The relationship has clearly run its course.

Don't wait til Friday unless you're building up to some dramatic dumping as he's all packed and looking forward to your weekend away. That seems unnecessarily petty and cruel.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 28/07/2020 09:34

The sad thing is that if I were 20 years old, and had the rest of my life ahead of me, I’d dump him and not think about it again. But I’m mid thirties and want to have a family. Starting again is so scary but I guess I would rather be alone than with the completely wrong man. And if I leave him now, I still have a bit of time to possibly meet someone new.

This one doesn’t sound like the father of your children Sad. Move on ASAP - maybe go away on your own and spend some time relaxing by yourself, or see if you can transfer his place to a friend, so you don’t miss out altogether.

You will be fine and if you want to have children and don’t meet someone suitable don’t be afraid to go it alone. Sometimes being a single mum is easier than dealing with a shit husband!

Greenkit · 28/07/2020 09:41

Go on holiday without him and have some time to yourself.

Do you do the hobby together ever, would he let you come along on the hikes?

thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 28/07/2020 09:42

20 years old. That’s a bit creepy and weird in itself!!!

SandyY2K · 28/07/2020 09:46

If you stay with him and have kids... I he'll just end up cheating and you'll be tied to him for life.

You should go away on your own or with a friend.

The worse thing you can do is settle for a man like this...he's shown you who he is...this is the period where you see if a man has the right qualities to be a long term partner and father of your children.

You deserve better than him and you sound intelligent enough to realise that.

RinderTinderNotRinderGrinder · 28/07/2020 09:48

Go on holiday without him. If you can then take a friend, but go anyway. It could be just what you need to make you feel better.

StraffeHendrik · 28/07/2020 09:56

"Thanks Isthisnothing I’m not speaking to him much right now and he can sense it. I was short on the phone and he called back to ask if something was wrong. I played dumb. But he knows."

I wouldn't play games with him, he's just going to tell you it was nothing but now he'll say you are sulky, high maintenance and don't trust him. I'm not saying that's true but it is how he will see it

If I were in this situation I'd be straight with him. Say "it was nice that you asked if I mind you hiking with xyz, of course I didn't. But I did feel a bit odd about you hiking with z on her own, that feels different - since it was just you two, she's not part of the usual group and she's so much younger, I wonder if she'd think there was something romantic"

Then you see what he says. You might still decide you want to end it for whatever reason. Or it might be that the girl is pursuing him and he feels good about that but wouldn't act on it, in which case if he's decent he will cut it off if it makes you feel bad.

Right now you are cranking up the emotional tone all week by sulking, before you start the conversation- so it naturally won't go well. Better to be up front.