If you’ve had an affair I’d appreciate your opinion

[Pelagi]

Which sounds a bit odd, I expect. But stay with me! I have been thinking about what my marriage was like in the decade before I separated from my husband, and wondering what was going on in his head.

We separated when I found out that he was having an affair, so I asked him to leave. In the subsequent months I found out that actually he had previously had at least two affairs, the earliest one starting when our youngest was less than a year old (she was 11 when we separated) and the next one starting a bit later and going on for some years. Then there were a couple of other “flirtatious friendships“ that he kept secret from me but I don’t think they were actual affairs. And then finally the one that I found out about. So really there was some kind of infidelity going on for most of the last 10 years that we were married.

Reading on here about people who are stuck in unhappy relationships and feel they can’t leave, or feel they have to stay together for the sake of the children, or are with dreadful spouses, makes me wonder whether that was him. In particular, what does it say about me? Which is why I am asking for an opinion if you have had an affair. What kind of husband/wife did you have?

To be honest I think I will probably never really understand. But it’s coming up for a year since we were separated and I thought I might get some views from people who have had affairs themselves, and not left. Maybe if I get some views now, then I can just totally close it off at a year and maybe accept that I will never really know.

Obviously don’t feel that you can’t answer if you haven’t personally had an affair, some people have knowledge of this sort of thing anyway. But I’m guessing that those who have will have particular insight into what goes on.

My ex dh cheated on me frequently - we get on well now and he says it was basically because he could / for the ego boost. He loved me in his own way but he’s highly successful, good looking and arrogant and loved the chase. He’s remarried now but I’d not be at all surprised if he’s still like it - it’s just him.

My current dh also cheated (I pick well!!). He’s (as far as I’m aware) never cheated on anyone before. His affair was opportunity (girl at work who made herself obviously available) combined with stressful time at home (high risk pregnancy / new baby)

I don’t think any of them were to do with me or our relationships and I don’t think either DHs would ever have left me - I don’t think, especially for men, it’s always about “love” - the chemical thrill maybe but not emotions.

@JuanNil

I was so angry at the time but I thought I was just being oversensitive, he was an absolute nightmare tbh. He would say stuff like " why do you need to know we will all be dead someday anyway" ... WTF? ,. And, the only thing I asked. The only piece of information I wanted to know was when it started.... But he would say " okay, I don't know why it started, all I can say is there was some excitement...". I was like "AM I SPEAKING ENGLISH!!

Anyway. I can laugh now, he is definitely staying an ex. Thank you.

I had lots of one night stands. One proper "affair"..

My ex-husband and I hated each other. He was as bad as me, at least I didn't try to deny what I did

It came down to boredom and attention

It literally had nothing to do with my ex-husband. I didn't give him one thought

I did.

I had an affair. There was nothing wrong with my DH or my marriage. It was a stupid mid life crisis. Like a big drug hit.

I stayed. DH doesn't know. I would never stray again. I have gone to therapy and am on Meds for anxiety/depression.

If it ever does come out, my biggest regret is that DH will think he did something wrong. He didn't. Ever.

I did a shitty thing. I will always feel guilty and sorry for it. I took an STD test and felt so dirty.

I think if I did leave for my AP my kids would be in therapy because it would fuck them up.

I honestly can't believe it of myself.

@ginandcv how old were you at the time? As you said it was a mid life thing just wondering if you were coming up to 40?

41

For me, it was the culmination of

Shit, selfish and because I was daft enough to go to sleep first, non consensual sex.

Being rinsed for cash.

Constant accusations of cheating, wanting to cheat, trying to cheat.

Sniping at my not giving him 100% of my attention all the bloody time - I'd be trying to study 'What man are you talking to now?', buying a headset and microphone for tutorials 'you're just doing that for internet affairs', constant 'You alright? You want tea? There's a bird in the garden' disruptions in a 1 hour tutorial, just so he could a) check up that I wasn't talking to any men and b) to make it impossible for me to continue the tutorial

Wailing, howling tantrums about how I was being horrible and he'd kill himself because I was so untrustworthy.

Following me on the rare occasions that I left the house with made up excuses about 'family emergencies', so much so, the bouncers, bar staff and venue managers became friends because they felt sorry for me and ended up coming up with elaborate escape routes and hiding places.

So when he stormed off to 'take a break', I didn't feel at all guilty. Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Stupid thing was, of all the people he'd accused me of shagging, he never, ever suspected the person I was literally sitting with on those nights when he'd follow and find me and I was falling in love with.

I worked in a predominantly male industry and observed some men were simply lifelong serial cheaters. In the main, their wives were lovely women and practically worshipped the ground they walked on.

.....They usually went with practically anything in a skirt and more often than not their wives were more attractive I agree with this, though my e

pressed send by accident! I worked in a predominantly male industry and observed some men were simply lifelong serial cheaters. In the main, their wives were lovely women and practically worshipped the ground they walked on.....They usually went with practically anything in a skirt and more often than not their wives were more attractive I agree with this, though my experience was that it was at least fifty percent of the attached men who would come on to other women quite openly if the opportunity arose. I do think it is the majority of men who would risk everything and just not see it as a risk. The remainder of the people I have known who have had affairs have either been incapable of emotional intimacy or emotionally abusive and doing it to hurt the partner or immature.

Sorry if that offends some of the people admitting affairs and also saying that it was because their other halves treated them badly - but my question to you (eg @Lockdowntown ) why on earth didn't you just talk to you spouses and agree an open marriage? If they had had affairs anyway and you wanted to stay in the marriage for the sake of children, for example, why not be "friends" about it and agree you can both shag other people?

I was married to a man who was awful to me. He was controlling, abusive, violent, barely acknowledged my existence, didn't help with the kids. We didn't talk, didn't have fun, I was lonely, bored. He took drugs and used loads of porn. He had bad hygiene, a bad attitude. I wanted to leave him since my baby was 9 weeks, I eventually left when he was 2.5yo.

For the final few months I was considering an affair. The opportunity never presented itself because he barely let me out/I didn't have childcare when he was away for work, though I did kiss someone in a club briefly the weekend before I finally left him. It was 100% about him - he treated me with such disdain that I felt completely ambivalent about him by that point. I never would have considered it during the period where I hated him and was angry because I wanted to keep the moral high ground. By the time I was considering it I literally couldn't care less if he was hurt/found out/I became as bad as him. I don't believe a decent person would ever cheat on someone they really care about, but saying it's never about the other person is wrong. Not saying this was the case for you OP but all these people saying it's never about the other spouse aren't right about all situations.

I'm with someone now who I love and respect and have a completely open and trusting relationship with. It's not always fun because we both have kids and work and outside stress but we deal with it together. I'd never look at another man in a situation like this, I miss him every second that we are apart and just want to make him happy.

This happened to me and I spent a lot of time reading articles and cheating sites. I agree a common theme from cheaters seems to be that the partner deserved it. I came across an article once from a marriage counsellor that implied that the real cause of cheating is resentment.

In my experience this seems to be true, but It doesn’t mean the resentment is real, or warranted. Entitled selfish people are often resentful anyway. My friends cheating husband bitterly complained that she hadn’t sewn a button on his shirt years ago despite doing everything else for him.

So interesting. I definitely think in retrospect that I felt resentment from him, but you only know it was there once the weight has been lifted. But also a degree of contempt. Also something I only recognise now that I don’t have it around any more.

Everyone jumping down @Lockdowntown throat, has any one actually asked how old his kids are?
I can guarantee she’d be someone that if he had split with her when she did all that, that she would use the kids as weapons against him. I say this as someone who’s mother did the exact same thing to me for over 10 years with my dad and he didn’t even cheat, she was just completely bitter and she decided to divorce him (I will add, I love my mam more than anything, but I fucking despise she was that person that made my dad spend over 20k in lawyers fees just for him to see me and my brother, and even the judge said in the final court case she was just taking the piss as we were acting up because she refused contact) We didn’t have a normal childhood as we didn’t know where the hell we were ever at, was like pass the parcel!
I don’t disagree with others that you clearly don’t love your wife and you cheating on her does just make you as bad even after all the shit you’ve been through, however, when you have kids and you are a bloke. You will get completely shafted by the courts if the woman wants to play victim and I can guarantee she would. So for everyone jumping on him as if he’s worse than shit, think about the fact that actually if he broke the family apart, not only has he spent years being with someone that had a breakdown over her AP in front of him after everything she did and made him feel worthless, he still has children and he will be the main one to lose out!

OP, please don’t think it was anything to do with you with your other half cheating on you, if he felt that miserable or had issues, he had a voice and should of used it and decided not too. If he couldn’t keep his head from getting turned, he shouldn’t of made vows with you and then broken them.

You will find the person you are meant to be with that will take commitment seriously and you’ll find all the love and happiness you deserve in life. Just remember, if he cheated on you, he will cheat on the others and you are well rid of him. Your life is now yours and you don’t have too worry where or who he is with. Onwards and upwards! X

You might find this interesting Op. www.mishpaha.org.il/kvatzim/pdf/Treating%20Infidelity%20-%20ISRAEL%20TALK%202017.pdf

This seems to suggest that infidelity can be predicted. People who cheat generally compare their spouse unfavourably and hold grudges.

Many years ago during an argument my ex spouse bitterly complained about something petty, comparable along the lines of where an ornament was placed. I had spent years supporting him to my own detriment. I couldn’t believe he was so upset about this non issue and initially thought he was joking.

As he continued to talk about it his face warped into a sneer of contempt and it was clear just how much he had brooded on it for years. I pointed out that if his only complaint was an ornament he was on a good deal and that I had been a supportive spouse for many years. This was lost on him and I knew then that something was wrong. He was blatantly focusing on one petty thing and ignoring all the positive things.

Of course he cheated and I often thought back to that conversation and what it really meant.

John Gottman has done some interesting research into this. It’s not about you.

@Roguesausage

Thats interesting and its certainly a common theme that people who are in the midst of an affair or use an affair to end their marriage to tend to latch onto things and then try to make them worse than what they are, all the time knowing that they never spoke up about it OR starting to believe that they did or that their partner should have been a mind reader and "just known".

I can say 100% the things my wife has complained about having been the reason for her to leave with the OM have been worked on by us during our separation and as it stands. She never says she was out of love with me all the years she was unhappy, just says she was unhappy. So I said then if thats the case you can be happy now with where we are but of course that was too late as her feelings had switched to the OM and so far that seems to be all thats driving her forward.

That is so interesting as that is exactly what happened to me. It wasn't as trivial as ornament-placement, but it was household-related and it was a trivial issue in the grand scheme of things.

Thanks for the link!

I have been the OW.. I didn't care one bit about his wife. It annoyed me after sex he'd go all 'we shouldn't have done that, it's wrong'. Then he'd jump on again. But I liked that he had a wife. Sex was great too. I drank a lot at the time, I had depression, I wanted the risk. The thrill. He'd tell his wife he was working late or sleeping at work. I fell pregnant, had a termination after weeks of him sulking, saying a kid with me would destroy him, pics of him looking sad, he not going to work cos he was stressed.. It ate into me.. I REGRET THE TERMINATION all these years on... A few years ago I made a fbk profile and told his wife all about it, every single thing. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did for the termination. She read it. I deleted the account.
Looking back I'm sad for myself that I got involved, now, I'd never dream of being the OW and if my DP had an affair it would be over between us.

happycoupleshealthycommunities.com/2018/08/20/why-cheaters-cheat/

Negative comparisons seem to be the key. And these seem to go undetected and unspoken way before the cheating starts. There doesn’t seem to be any information about what this would look like in real life because the cheater doesn’t express these negative comparisons. I think it’s traumatic to realise that a spouse has had such negative views for so long, not to mention the level of emotional dishonesty that is happening even before the cheating occurs.

I suppose we need to listen carefully to what seems to be petty complaints and stay away from potential partners who veer towards criticism and negativity.People who practice gratitude and fairness seem to naturally avoid making negative comparisons.

In an ideal world it would be easy to say anyone who has an affair is automatically in the wrong. But unfortunately that is not the case.
I've had a few affairs. My husband doesn't know. My marriage was an arranged marriage. When I first got married I was a very naive 18 year old. Thought we'd fall in love. It never happened, we're 2 different people who have nothing in common.
In my 40s after sleeping in separate rooms for the previous 5 years I had an affair. For me it wasn't the sex as much as having intimacy with someone.
If it wasn't for my children I'd probably have left him years ago. But my children are happy and settled.
I will leave him in a few years once my children are settled in their own lives.

I had an affair about five years ago. My husband is a hardcore alcoholic and I was increasingly miserable with the situation - I lost sight of the relationship we had once had and there was zero emotional fulfilment or connection. I did talk to him several times and say I was unhappy but nothing really changed. Then a friend at work started paying me a lot more attention (a cliche, I know) and I fell for it. It was physical but the more important aspect for me at the time was the emotional support that I wasn't getting elsewhere. We were seeing each other for around six months before it ended and I subsequently confessed to DH and told him that I felt it was probably the death knell for our marriage. He was surprisingly understanding and said he didn't want us to split up, and that he would stop drinking.

Five years on sadly this hasn't happened, there have been a few promising patches that have been just enough to keep me hanging on in there but overall the outlook is pretty bleak. There are various reasons why it is very tricky for us to split up right now, or indeed for the foreseeable future to be honest, so I feel a little trapped. If it wasn't for our DD I would probably bite the bullet and live through the difficulties, but for now I'm not sure what I can do. Also I'm obviously not quite ready to break away from the relationship on some level, or I guess I would have found a way.

I regret the affair in as far as I know it hurt my husband and I think I should have been braver and told him as soon as it became inappropriate, and probably left him (which ironically would have been a hell of a lot easier five years ago than it is now, I see in retrospect) - even though I can see now that the relationship with the other man wouldn't have worked out long-term. I can't say I feel a huge amount of guilt aside from this though. I believe fidelity is a privilege not a right and I was (and am) very clear about the fact that I'm not happy in the relationship. Sometimes I think that finding someone else would be the only way I can make myself leave the marriage, but I realise this isn't really fair.

If you'd asked me before all this how I felt about infidelity I would have been hugely scathing about anyone who cheated on their partner. I was vehemently against it and couldn't understand the mentality at all. Life sometimes changes us and we go down paths that we know perfectly well are not morally blameless, but in my case it was the only way I felt able to cope with the situation at the time.

Those links are really interesting roguesausage, and certainly make sense to me. I feel regretful in a way, wondering whether it could all have been prevented if I had known all that back then (12 years ago when it started!) and recognised any signs.

But then I’m torn because I know I genuinely don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who was, for whatever reason, capable of giving himself permission to put me out of his mind so much as to do things that deep down he would have known would be incredibly hurtful, and who was able to think of me in all the ways in those links. But to be honest I also know it was ultimately not in my control, and in that sense it was about him and his choices about what to do with his negative feelings.

Those are all logical not emotional reactions though, and it is still deeply sad.

What I’ve also realised is that only way to get close to real healing of something like that is for (as in the PowerPoint link) the betrayer partner to express true remorse and accept responsibility for their part, and in the case of my husband that will never happen.

I could see it could happen in the case of, say, ginamdcv above, though, who seems to be unusually strong and capable of self-reflection and taking responsibility. I admire that.

Another thing that I couldn’t quite articulate to myself before, but seems likely from the links above, is that initially I guess an affair feels like a reaction to some problems but I can see that as it goes on it becomes part of the problem itself and makes matters worse.

I can’t imagine how traumatic it must have been for you discovering all that. Have you had any counselling? I found Emdr really effective and you don’t have to discuss it.

My husband had an affair, I had never been as shocked. I completely appreciate the way @Lockdowntown felt/feels. I would do the same myself, years of feeling shit is torture. I am waiting for my time. My husband let me down at the time I most needed him in my life and it is unforgivable. In the meantime I continue on with my life, all the time planning my future.

Thank you, yes I think it has been literally traumatising. But I have been having counselling, which has been a godsend. I will look up Emdr.