If you’ve had an affair I’d appreciate your opinion

[Pelagi]

Which sounds a bit odd, I expect. But stay with me! I have been thinking about what my marriage was like in the decade before I separated from my husband, and wondering what was going on in his head.

We separated when I found out that he was having an affair, so I asked him to leave. In the subsequent months I found out that actually he had previously had at least two affairs, the earliest one starting when our youngest was less than a year old (she was 11 when we separated) and the next one starting a bit later and going on for some years. Then there were a couple of other “flirtatious friendships“ that he kept secret from me but I don’t think they were actual affairs. And then finally the one that I found out about. So really there was some kind of infidelity going on for most of the last 10 years that we were married.

Reading on here about people who are stuck in unhappy relationships and feel they can’t leave, or feel they have to stay together for the sake of the children, or are with dreadful spouses, makes me wonder whether that was him. In particular, what does it say about me? Which is why I am asking for an opinion if you have had an affair. What kind of husband/wife did you have?

To be honest I think I will probably never really understand. But it’s coming up for a year since we were separated and I thought I might get some views from people who have had affairs themselves, and not left. Maybe if I get some views now, then I can just totally close it off at a year and maybe accept that I will never really know.

Obviously don’t feel that you can’t answer if you haven’t personally had an affair, some people have knowledge of this sort of thing anyway. But I’m guessing that those who have will have particular insight into what goes on.

@JingsMahBucket although I understand your concern, I don't think responding to the 'revenge affair' poster would cause many problems for OP's thread. Having people pipe up and say that they don't agree with the reasoning is also something that could help OP to deal with that happened to her, simply by making it very clear that no matter what the sob story was, most people still believe it's wrong to have an affair. There's often a lot of uncertainty about who is on who's side after a relationship breaks down.

And then of course, he didn't have to come back and just keep hammering it in. Citing every abuse term in the book as reasons for his infidelity. It's making people uncomfortable; who honestly gets as far as realising they've been abused for decades, understanding all the terms, and then sticks around just to have a bit on the side as some kind of punishment, claiming to still love the abuser? It's just not sitting right. It's always the other person's fault, isn't it? I really hope OP that you don't start to question what you did to 'cause' this, and well done on having the strength to ask your POS to leave.

I'll jump I've had affairs in my current relationship. The reason being I am unhappy, but not unhappy enough to leave. I'm the women, we've been together four years, living together and were ttc for a time, before he choose to stop IVF. Sex was always bad, he's more gentle in bed than I'd like and I find it difficult to respect him due to other issues in the relationship. I have a certain taste for intimate times which he is unable to provide despite many conversations.

He try's but it just doesn't work. So in short I have needs he can't meet despite getting along in all other areas and being happy with those things, I couldn't sacrifice on a fulfilling sex life. He has said previously that he wouldn't mind me seeing others but I know that isn't how he feels and if push comes to shove he'd struggle with so for us it's almost a don't ask, don't tell policy.

Something was missing, and I decided I couldn't live without it

@Thingsdogetbetter

One affair I could, at a push, say it was a shitty reaction to a bad relationship. But at least 3 over a decade?? Come on! That just him being a shitty person who is selfish and needs his ego constantly flattered by random without thought for you or the multiple OW. He just wanted to have, and eat, multiple cakes. It's all on him!

I have to say I do wonder about that, especially affairs 1 and 2. I think affair partner 2 didn’t know he was already involved with affair partner 1 and there was some sort of overlap as far as I can tell.

Thanks for all your replies.

It seems that Lockdowntown’s situation is quite unique, but maybe the common factor is some sort of feeling that the spouse “deserves” it.

@AllTheWhoresOfMalta

So, I haven’t had an affair in my own marriage but I was party to one in the past. Typical story I expect- aged man-child 20 years older than me when I was a teenager.

Anyway, he had a several years long affair with me that only ended when his wife found out. I, it later transpired, was not the first. We didn’t go the distance because he was a complete lunatic, even by the standards of the kind of lunatics you’re meant to get mixed up with when you’re young. So these were my observations:

1. He had a massive ego. He really did believe that he was something quite special- and he was clever and funny but he was really just a a balding, middle aged, middle manager, he was nothing amazing. But I do think that he truly believed that his wife wouldn’t be able to survive without him, or that it would break her so spectacularly to be left by such a legend. You could see the cogs turning in his brain when it was discussed: she relied on his superior intellect and amazingness for everything- how would she ever cope without him? He believed on some level that her life without him would be unbearable.... even though what her life with him was was being cheated on by a mediocre man with a teenage mistress.

2. He was a hideously insecure soul despite all of his seeming self-belief. He had had a really rough, dysfunctional childhood and I don’t think that there had ever been enough love in his life, especially as a kid. It made a weird kind of sense that he would keep several irons in the fire where women where concerned: keep two (or more!) women on the go and there’ll always be one left to love you when the other one/however many inevitably disappear. His mum had left the family home and he was always trying to stop his ever being that lonely kid again, so he surrounded himself with women to be his mum. His wife was the best at this, I guess.

3. He was monumentally selfish. On a scale that I’ve never seen before or since. What he wanted wasn’t just the first priority, he truly believed he DESERVED to have what he wanted, however ridiculous that was logically.

All of those things combined to make a really broken person who stuck with his wife because he was broken and insecure but who also cheated on her because he was broken and insecure AND selfish.

I do believe that he loved his wife, but in a way I think he loved all of the women that he cheated on her with too. He was just a sad guy who had he not been so selfish might have made better choices.

I expect not all of the above is true about your ex, but I bet some of it is- particularly the selfishness element. One thing is for sure: you are better off without him.

Sorry, v long quote above!

I think some of this resonates. I guess he would say I wouldn’t have managed without him. He definitely told affair partner 3 that I’d be devastated if he left. And indeed I did feel devastated when I found out about the affair. But I am an adult and I am coping perfectly well!

Maybe there was some selfishness. I did struggle with what I felt was a very strong sense of self-entitlement from him when we were together.

@TooOldForThis67

To have an affair would mean there was something lacking in the relationship. No one who does so could honestly say that they still love, desire, admire, respect their primary partner. Maybe they are cowards, weak, treading water till kids grown up, mortgage paid off or whatever. It IS all about you or how they see you. They are not interested in sorting out the issues if they can get away with it. It's not fair to say its all about them. People change. One marriage for life is an odd concept really.

This sounds very true. People say to me IRL life “it’s not about you” but actually I think it’s very much about what he thought of me. What I’ve read from a coupLe of posters above is some kind of lack of respect for their spouse, I think (even the idea that the spouse wouldn’t cope without them).

So that feels pretty bad.

He said to affair partner 1 that he initially thought the affair was helping his marriage. But then he wasn’t so sure. My feeling is that a long-term affair can’t help a marriage but only make it worse, surely? If you’re honest. I could see it might make him feel better about being in a marriage that he didn’t feel good about. But that’s different, I think.

@Wandawomble

They always affair down, there was a website called affairrecovery that helped me with my feelings when it happened to me.

What does “affair down” mean?

@ClaryFray

I'll jump I've had affairs in my current relationship. The reason being I am unhappy, but not unhappy enough to leave. I'm the women, we've been together four years, living together and were ttc for a time, before he choose to stop IVF. Sex was always bad, he's more gentle in bed than I'd like and I find it difficult to respect him due to other issues in the relationship. I have a certain taste for intimate times which he is unable to provide despite many conversations.

He try's but it just doesn't work. So in short I have needs he can't meet despite getting along in all other areas and being happy with those things, I couldn't sacrifice on a fulfilling sex life. He has said previously that he wouldn't mind me seeing others but I know that isn't how he feels and if push comes to shove he'd struggle with so for us it's almost a don't ask, don't tell policy.

Something was missing, and I decided I couldn't live without it

I really don’t want to start an argument, but do you feel you’re using your husband somewhat here? If you know he wouldn’t really want you to see others?

I feel very used to be honest.

Op you might get more answers listening to Esther Perels podcast, where shall we begin, and watching this
www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved/up-next?language=en

But op in all honesty your husband sounds like a snake and is trying to make you blame yourself. Maybe he has some kind of personality disorder/lack of empathy

OP, how do you know do much about the conversations between your husband and the OW?

I think your husband sounds like an utter bastard tbh. Some affairs happen because the relationship is beyond saving, but generally these would be considered exit affairs because most people wouldn't have the capacity for cruelty to do this more than once.

Please don't think you are to blame. He could just be addicted to the thrillseeking/risky element to it all or he could be personality disordered and think it's his right to do as he pleases at all times.

Either way he sound like a prick.

I think there are many reasons, ranging from being an egomaniac, to someone who runs away from intimacy, to someone who is a bit bored at home or whose relationship is a bit stale. And some people aren't made to be with just one person but they want the family life.

I had an affair in my first LTR and the reason was that I was hurt that my boyfriend chose to spend 3 months in another country instead of with me. Someone showed me attention and pursued me. I was going to finish with my boyfriend when I saw him but when I did I realised that I loved him and I never told him about it. We spent another 6 years together.

I was inadvertently the other woman and that ex also cheated on me.

I think cheating is wrong and I am sorry I cheated. I was young and had no kids and my intention was to break up, but it still isn't right. It does nothing for anyone in my opinion. You are more giving your relationship a chance and investing your energy and passion into another person just takes away from everyone's lives.

Lockdown etc. You have blamed your wife for all your problems, when in effect it is down to you. You chose to take her back and continue living like this, and now you feel justified in cheating on her and having a half arsed relationship with the OW. You are cheating everyone, especially yourself.

There is an element of truth of what has been said in that respect for the left behind spouce is gone otherwise the unfaithful would not hurt their spouce, and the love they had for you is either gone or buried underneath the the feelings they have for the OM/OW again keep in mind there is a whole brain chemical cocktail going on that you just canno't compete with (btw these same chemicals would have been raging in you both when you first met).

The problem is the unfaithful gets these emotions and feeling and with the chemical cocktail the affair becomes a drug and this can even continue once an affair is exposed, its not always about the excitement and secrecy its about how they now feel when they get their hit when the AP texts or calls or they meet up with them.

Now there will come a stage where reality sets in and real life starts to touch this new found relationship and that is when the make or break starts. There are lots of numbers banded about that most affairs end within 12 months because thats usually the period we need to get to know one another and our old behaviours start to set back in.

I am not excusing all of this on the changes of chemicals in the brain because we can still make decisions but it does go part of the way to explain the coldness of your now spouce and the full 180 in changes in behaviour towards you and the madness of some of the things they say.

I've done it. Repeatedly.

I was young, and messed up mentally, and the relationship wasn't right.

I'm still messed up mentally but I wouldn't do it again.

In my experience, it's not about the primary relationship, even if it IS about the primary relationship. If that makes sense.

It's certainly easier not to cheat if the relationship is going well and harder if it isn't. But you either choose to be that person or you choose not to be (even if that is difficult). It's about yourself at the end of the day. It's a bit like addictions. You have to make a choice and take each day as it comes.

I had an affair. My exdh was an alcoholic, we had an unhealthy relationship and I felt trapped because of our children. It took the affair to make me end it, for both of us. So there was a “reason” but I could have chosen to manage things differently. A close friend of mine’s husband has had at least one affair and she pretends she doesn’t know about it. They rarely have sex / affection, she doesn’t want her life massively disrupted. A woman I work with found out her husband had cheated and we were all shocked because they had the stereotypical perfect relationship, seemed to have genuine affection etc. I think sometimes an affair is a sign something is wrong with the relationship, equally there a lot of people out there who just behave shittily in relationships. I don’t you should be holding yourself to account for your husbands actions.

I think mine that I mentioned earlier was dubbed a "revenge affair", which is fair on the info I gave. I didn't actually do it for revenge, I met someone who was lovely to me, kind, attractive, all that stuff that draws you to a person and feeling all those things after such a long time of not feeling them made me realise how emotionally devoid I had been for such a long time. I used the fact he had done whatever he had done as justification to not resist. All those chemicals people mention, that addictive like feeling people talk about, I was, simply put, looking for a way to justify succumbing to them.

Why I stayed in it so long... because by the time my husband actually finally acknowledged (in part) what he had done and showed signs of actually changing, I had fallen for the other man and he filled all the gaps and more I felt were missing at home. I didn't want to tear my kids lives apart, and just kept hoping no one would find out, them in particular. I also do care about my husband (I appreciate that sounds ironic, but it is what it is) and knew he would be devastated. I, selfishly, didn't want to be the cause of that devastation. And that of the kids. I bitterly regret not having the strength to pull him up on what he did when he was doing it (I knew). I regret not ending it then, but so much time passed by the time I actually saw what he did as unacceptable that it seemed like it was too late to say as much and end it for those reasons. If I could turn back the clock I would go back to those days and tell him it was over. I'd never previously had an affair or cheated on anyone, I truly believe I wouldn't do it again, I will either leave this relationship if we can't make it work or remain faithful. It's not who I was before, nor want to be, but it was who I became for a while there.

mine was an emotional affair, rather than a physical one.

my DW had had her own physical affair a few years previously, and we had been working through that together.

our relationship has always been somewhat one-sided, and although i was committed to getting over things, i got into a bit of a self-pity spiral.

i convinced myself i deserved someone to love/want me as much as i saw in other relationships, regardless of potential cost. i met someone who was also in a difficult relationship, and we got very close. i will admit that my tendency towards white knight behaviour also played a big part here.

for 6 months i justified this to myself because my DW had felt that from me (my perception), and her affair partner, and i deserved to feel the same.

over that whole period i spent a lot of time thinking about everything, and eventually came to realise that i was just being selfish, and whatever DW's previous behaviour, that was no justification.

whatever DW had done, she was committed to repairing our relationship. she was trying.
she deserved for this effort to be recognised and validated if i truly was committed to her (which i was and am).

i broke things off with OW.

a few months later, she messaged me out of the blue, and DW found the message. everything came out into the open.

we both acknowledge our own mistakes and poor decisions, and have both decided together to build a new relationship together (our DCs are also a major consideration, but are not the main driver - not for me anyway).

so, i suppose to actually answer your original question, while at the time i was convinced that DW's behaviour justified my EA, the real cause was my own selfishness at that point.

i do regret my actions.
and if my DW is just biding her time until our DCs leave home, then i'll have no cause to complain, and will have no-one to blame but myself.

I wish there was the capacity to crop 'quotes' from previous posts to just the relevant sentence.

@Lochie662

OP, how do you know do much about the conversations between your husband and the OW?

I think your husband sounds like an utter bastard tbh. Some affairs happen because the relationship is beyond saving, but generally these would be considered exit affairs because most people wouldn't have the capacity for cruelty to do this more than once.

Please don't think you are to blame. He could just be addicted to the thrillseeking/risky element to it all or he could be personality disordered and think it's his right to do as he pleases at all times.

Either way he sound like a prick.

I know about some of the conversations because: he might well be an utter bastard but he is a very organised utter bastard who saved messages into our computer system where I found them by chance when looking for something else!

I’m not an alcoholic or have a drug problem and haven’t myself had any affairs. So that wouldn’t be a factor. I don’t doubt that I am highly imperfect though, and when he started his infidelity I was just an ordinary mother struggling with three small children and a job.

It’s awful to think of all those years when he wasn’t happy or thinking positively of me but didn’t have the courage to talk to me properly about it.

It’s tempting for the person having the affair to blame their partner, then they don’t have to face up to their own behaviour.

I think that it is really wrong that the cheated on spouse feels that they have done something to somehow deserve this. They don't. YOU haven't done ANYTHING to deserve this.

You know when my ex cheated on me and I was asking him when it started and he was adamant he wasn't going to give me that one piece of information, he asked why it mattered. I said "have you ever been cheated on? And he stared at me , absolutely aghast at the idea that anyone would ever cheat on him! "No, of course not!". And I was so fucking angry because he was insinuating that only inferior people get cheated on. And he had cheated on me!!!!.

But you know what , I'm not inferior, and neither are you OP. These confidence,self esteem crushing dickheads can just do one as far as I am concerned.

Stop wondering what's wrong with you, and start realising what's wrong with him!

Good luck.

@Lochie662 what the fuck! What a piece of shit! I really can't believe how angry I got reading that. I actually would love to hear that someone like him got cheated on. You bed he'd be on the phone to you quicker than flies to shit to tell you how 'sorry he is' for what he did. Uuurgh

*bet. Freudian slip