Message OW or not?

[Flipflopfoodle]

Long time MN user but new account.
2 yrs ago DH did the usual, 'too close to a female work colleague' thing. It was 4 weeks of discussing feelings, more than friends etc. She was very keen he was less so, but obviously not less enough!
After 4 weeks, he puts a stop to it, comes home tells me, shows me all the messages between them. Blocks her on all except work email. We go to therapy and have moved on. He refused to sext/send pictures or meet up at a hotel to 'talk things through' all things she asked for. (I've seen the messages, I've been on MN long enough not to believe what I'm told without proof!)

Anyway. Over the last 2 years she has occasionally fished for him, last time was Mother's day last year, got drunk, took a friend's phone and sent him texts about how terrible her life was, how she needed a friend etc... He showed me immediately, replied he cannot be that friend for her. Her friend is livid and OW apologises. Then she finds out she is pregnant. Big sigh of relief, she seems to concentrate on her marriage and we have had a yr of nothing.

Now to this w/e. She has separated from her DH and she immediately sends DH a work email saying her head is a mess, it's all bad but she's glad he is happy at least.

It's been 2 years (and a child for her), she is still blocked except work email, which is monitored. We decided to ignore it but I'm wondering if an answer back along lines of, 'sorry you're sad,, hope things get better, yes I'm very happy with DW' might actually be a better idea?
What do the wise MN jury think?

I'm surprised at the level of HR involvement tbh. I'm a HR professional and we certainly haven't got the time to get involved with meetings that spouses attend due to workplace affairs.

If there was an allegation of harassment that would be different, but they willingly got involved with each other.

At this stage your H needs to send her an email to only contact him on work related issues, otherwise he will have no option but to report her to HR her for inappropriate unwanted contact which amount to harassment.

As things go, your H has done the right thing in always letting you know when she gets in touch. He's good reconciliation material and this shows true remorse... which helps rebuild the trust.

I’m also pretty amazed at the amount of involvement from HR.

I would also be very surprised that this women is randomly contacting your DH out of the blue, especially as supposedly ‘nothing actually happened between them’ .

Something doesn’t quite ring true here

I would completely ignore her.
Any contact back will just teach her that after x amount of time, she will get a response.
I would also be strongly encouraging your husband to find a new job as soon as possible.

"Grey stone" her, ignore.

HR at head office don't know. It's a large business absorbed by an even larger one so the HR lady has known OW since she left school and she is a qualified HR advisor now but has trained up in the business so a little bit more familial than normal. OW went to HR first, then DH got called in, and I went in as I'm a nosy cow and obviously not very trusting at this point! Then there was another meeting with both OW and DH and the other team member to discuss working conditions going onwards. So 3 meeting over 2 weeks, 2 years ago. No involvement since.
Re more happening than shared emotions ending in a snog (which is what made my DH tell me). That is why I wanted to see all the messages. MN has taught me very well over the years. Nothing did, she complained about that to him!

Re her still messing after so long. There have been big gaps of silence. She does look for male attention, heavily edited photos on SM and her DH was checking her phone long before my DH got involved. I'm not believing the 'big, bad OW and innocent poor hubby' line. I've just tried to understand it myself. Only thing I can think of now is she is down, needs an ego boost and DH has provided before.

As per MN collective wisdom. We shall grey rock.

You have a tracker on your husband's phone.
Youve read all his messages and emails.
You took his phone, took it back to factory settings and restored them all from back up
You attended a HR meeting at HIS place of work.
You are thinking of sending the email HE received to HR at HIS work.
‘We’ shall grey rock like you're an extension of him.

How much of this is your husband dealing with on his own? Honestly, is the marriage worth all this?

Karl. I haven't read ALL his messages and emails. I read all between him and the OW at the time I found out. Perfectly reasonable, and he offered. I have not read any emails at all, he read it to me when he got it. He was also fine about factory setting as he knew I couldn't believe his word purely and they proved his version. To recover deleted messages it was the only way to do it.
He also downloaded the 380 app to help reassure me he was at work, my teenage kids also have the app, as do I on my phone. I can't recall when I last checked it.
Many of things things have been done at either his instigation or the therapists, to re build trust.

Yes, I went to the HR meeting at his work, I was asked if I wanted to go , again a trust building/openness excercise. The meeting was in an informal setting, not in the work place and though HR lady gave me her phone number, I have never called her.

After a breach of trust, things need to be done to rebuild it, openess and accountability. I wrote the post as it was done and dusted for over a year and then OW and her DH separate and I was pissed off she popped back up. However I'm now chill again. In fact DH telling me she is back rather than hiding it is good and builds more trust.

So yes, my marriage is worth it, and really not as controlling as your answer made out. It's fun and happy and I enjoy it, if it was a burden I wouldn't be here, I don't need to be in a relationship to feel content, but I am in a partnership where we do things together at the moment.

It’s weird how often people in these situations cannot leave their jobs.

It has happened to me once that I got too close to a married person (I wasn’t married then). I left the workplace. I think that’s what people who are serious about not having an affair do. It’s a very unusual person who is in such a niche they simply cannot leave.

Even leaving aside the relationship, I can’t imagine staying in a workplace where I’ve so thoroughly embarrassed myself that even my partner has met with HR.

To clarify, I didn't want him to leave his job, I still don't. It pays amazingly well for the role and my kids are in a superb school. He offered to leave.

Anyway, all this is an aside. I just wanted to know the general consensus about sending an email back as DH and I couldn't think what would be best and we stopped seeing our therapist a while ago. So no reply, no action, and thank you.

So yes, my marriage is worth it, and really not as controlling as your answer made out.

I literally copied and pasted your words. I didnt make you out as controlling. Your own words did.

No Karl. You thought I had downloaded a tracker and read all his emails. That would be controlling. I just clarified that that wasn't what I was doing. But considering your first post was to ask was I sure who the baby's dad was, and at no point have you actually tried to answer the question I did ask I'm really not going to answer anymore.
It's a free forum, knock yourself out but I'm off to buy a pizza for lunch.

My DH has a tracker on his phone now if I did have any doubts

Good for you, flipflop

You've handled this whole situation (including this thread!), with such class OP - enjoy your pizza!

the HR lady has known OW since she left school

I question whether it was appropriate for the HR lady to be the one chairing the meeting given the above.

I certainly wouldn't, as ii would see it as a conflict of interest.

OW went to HR first, then DH got called in

It's amazing how many people in organisations happily have affairs.. then go running to HR to sort out their mess.

What did she want HR to do about her getting involved with a MM at work?

and I went in as I'm a nosy cow

Again, I would question the professionalism of allowing you to attend. It's not marriage counselling...I certainly wouldn't have a spouse in a meeting of this nature.

Can't believe you've both let this shit continue for so long. This should have finished a long time ago, there should be no line of contact at all. Is your husband really weak or just secretly enjoying having his ego brushed now and again?. Yes as someone said earlier message her to fuck off out of it, contact us again and we'll have you for harassment.

Another vote for @category12

Clear, concise, to the point and protects DH if things escalate. No more contact after that.

If she messages again, he tells HR to ask her not to message him personally.

It's been 2 years (and a child for her), she is still blocked except work email
she's harassing him - and using the works email to do it.
She needs reporting to HR!

Another in agreement with the suggestion from @category12

Your DH needs to keep it professional and impersonal. Report to HR if she messages him again.

I do think it's slightly odd that HR invited you to attend the meeting. But hey it sounds like it helped you both. I actually think it sounds like you're dealing with all this really well, in a really healthy way. I also think it's good that you were able to restore deleted messages and that your husband was OK with you doing this as it just proves that he had been honest with you. I know everyone on MN is generally 'LTB' but I think the thing we sometimes forget is, we're all human and sometimes people just fuck up. Not all men (or women) are out to cheat first chance they get. Sounds like your husband crossed the line a bit, realised he'd fucked up, and has done what he can ever since to be open with you and to try to repair the damage. Good for you, and for him.

You've said yourself you've got things in place to leave should you ever feel that necessary, but right now you feel happy. I think that's great. If what you have said is true, and you're not checking his phone constantly (and it doesn't sound like you are), then I don't think it sounds like you're controlling at all. As for the OW, I agree with others that you should just grey rock. Hope things continue to work out for you

Yes, I agree with one last email with the warning that he’ll go to HR if she continues to harass. If he genuinely hasn’t been leading her on (in fairness to him, nothing in your posts indicates that he has) he’ll be fine with doing this.

It’s sad that her husband left her with a small baby, she definitely needs help - but that’s not your husband’s role.

Thanks, the pizza was lovely, and for once all kids ate it without one deciding that they actually don't like cheese and they never had!

Yes, I'm not sure how professional HR are there, head office do step in for the bigger stuff. The lady I saw has been there years and years and it wasn't her original role.

OW has two children now, (already had one) she has family and friends around her as she is local born and bred so no, my DH is not needed.im not sure her DH left her directly because of what happened with my DH as they have been on the rocks for a long while. It certainly wouldn't have helped though.

I've not checked his phone for well over a year, don't have a desire to now either. And yes, it's been going on far too long, but that's why I posted as I thought it was over.

Thank you everyone for your support.

I wouldn’t message, it could add fuel to the fire. Ask his work to block her from emails etc. And if she finds another way to contact a restraining order will be needed.

I really can't imagine you could get a restraining order for someone who sends the odd email. He just has to ignore her.

However, I was the OW for a few years and I can honestly say that every time me and AP cut contact it was always him that got back in time, I never once initiated contact. I dunno OP, for her to still hold a candle after all this time with no contact in-between is most odd so I do wonder if your DH is being totally truthful with you.

Back in touch that should say!