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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Message OW or not?

75 replies

Flipflopfoodle · 27/07/2020 18:20

Long time MN user but new account.
2 yrs ago DH did the usual, 'too close to a female work colleague' thing. It was 4 weeks of discussing feelings, more than friends etc. She was very keen he was less so, but obviously not less enough!
After 4 weeks, he puts a stop to it, comes home tells me, shows me all the messages between them. Blocks her on all except work email. We go to therapy and have moved on. He refused to sext/send pictures or meet up at a hotel to 'talk things through' all things she asked for. (I've seen the messages, I've been on MN long enough not to believe what I'm told without proof!)

Anyway. Over the last 2 years she has occasionally fished for him, last time was Mother's day last year, got drunk, took a friend's phone and sent him texts about how terrible her life was, how she needed a friend etc... He showed me immediately, replied he cannot be that friend for her. Her friend is livid and OW apologises. Then she finds out she is pregnant. Big sigh of relief, she seems to concentrate on her marriage and we have had a yr of nothing.

Now to this w/e. She has separated from her DH and she immediately sends DH a work email saying her head is a mess, it's all bad but she's glad he is happy at least.

It's been 2 years (and a child for her), she is still blocked except work email, which is monitored. We decided to ignore it but I'm wondering if an answer back along lines of, 'sorry you're sad,, hope things get better, yes I'm very happy with DW' might actually be a better idea?
What do the wise MN jury think?

OP posts:

KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband · 27/07/2020 19:01

Who is the baby’s father?

Original poster

Flipflopfoodle · 27/07/2020 19:03

I'm just a bit tired of it being settled then she jumps back up! She knows I know, I told her, and told her to tell her DH at the time or I would. The immediate team members at work also know as it was only fair.

I think I shall bite my tongue as that seems the majority vote.

Job change not possible BUT he has worked shifts that she will be with another team, several teams work at the same time at the same level and as she has been on maternity leave it will be quite natural.

OP posts:

Pillypocket666 · 27/07/2020 19:03

Personally I would phone her (from tour own phone) and being Scottish, "get her telt".

Original poster

Flipflopfoodle · 27/07/2020 19:05

Lol. Don't worry Karl, whoever the father of the baby is it's not my DH!

OP posts:

damnthatanxiety · 27/07/2020 19:06

@yesterdaystotalsteps123

Well I don't believe she was very keen, he was less so. I hope you aren't still doing the pick me dance. She's messaging him because something happened between them when he was married to you. And you only know his side of the story and what he's chosen to show you. But no I wouldn't message. And I wouldn't do pick me either. And I wouldn't believe him.

and what if it was exactly as described? Why do you see this as absolutely impossible? Whatever experience you may have on the matter does not mean you know categorically that the situation is not as described.

Cheetahfajita · 27/07/2020 19:07

I would tell him to forward the message to HR and ask them to deal with it.

InFiveMins · 27/07/2020 19:07

Just ignore her. Responding to her will make her worse.

Suspicious though that she still has feelings after 2 years...are you absolutely sure its over?

Palavah · 27/07/2020 19:08

If HR know then just let them deal with it. Do not get involved - the company will not be impressed. They do not want a case for sexual harrassment or wrongful dismissal or similar.

Original poster

Flipflopfoodle · 27/07/2020 19:08

Catagory12 is always good for an email/text! Thank you!
She is younger and thinner than me and I get the impression she can't understand why he wouldn't go for her, which is perhaps why she keeps nipping back to see if he's interested.

OP posts:

LittleHootie · 27/07/2020 19:08

Message with a clear "This is not appropriate. Leave us alone and stop messaging, we cannot help you. We are happily married and want no further contact from you." and sign it off from both of you.

Although I'd give her a ring and shout at her.

Yankathebear · 27/07/2020 19:10

If HR are already involved I would simply forward it to them and ignore her.

Original poster

Flipflopfoodle · 27/07/2020 19:11

Completely sure it's over. My DH has a tracker on his phone now if I did have any doubts, 😂.
No, seriously they weren't a good match, I think she is back as her DH has left her and she needs some attention.
HR think it's all been dealt with but the head did give me her number in case I wanted to talk. However everything has been silent for a bloody year!

OP posts:

ekidmxcl · 27/07/2020 19:12

No contact. Any contact is oxygen to people like this.

Palavah · 27/07/2020 19:14

Do not sign off a work email from both of you!

Sabine123 · 27/07/2020 19:14

Ask HR to email her. She is a pain in the arse !

Original poster

Flipflopfoodle · 27/07/2020 19:16

Thank you Damnthatanxiety. To clarify, he didn't chose to show me as messages had been deleted. I took his phone, took it back to factory settings and restored them all from back up! She was horrified I knew how to do that! I quoted them back at her when she tried to tell me it wasn't like that. I'd have quite enjoyed it all if I hadn't been so bloody angry.

OP posts:

Tappering · 27/07/2020 19:16

Don't sign a work email off from both of you - that's so unprofessional.

HR need to deal with this - you don't need to call them. He simply needs to forward the email on, explain that he's asked her not to contact him but she's ignoring this and using work email as she's blocked on everything else.

Notredamn · 27/07/2020 19:20

You're making a massive mistake if you think getting your husband into a conversation with her is the solution.
If she's reared her head again after years and zero contact, she will up the ante once she's got a response.
You have to completely ignore.

islandislandisland · 27/07/2020 19:26

Sounds like she got used to using him as an emotional outlet/distraction when things weren't great as she seems to pop up whenever she's feeling low. Definitely ignore, don't feed it!

Original poster

Flipflopfoodle · 27/07/2020 19:27

Hmm yes, I hadn't thought of actually forwarding the email to HR. I don't think it's enough to be acted on as such but she will go in to talk about her separation/coming back to work and perhaps HR could then just remind her of what's correct.

Thank s MN as usual you have helped clear my thoughts and been very helpful.

OP posts:

FindingNeverland1 · 27/07/2020 19:27

Pass it on to HR since they're already involved. With the intention that they consider warning her that he does not want contact and anything further of this nature will be considered harassment.

That's if you and he are 100% sure he has not encouraged her in any way.

Original poster

Flipflopfoodle · 27/07/2020 19:38

Not encouraged since. At the time sent the MN , no more contact' text and blocked.

He is a white knight and she has a history of self harm and soft drugs so prior he did give her a lot of attention. Therapist made us read Shirley Glass book and he really related to it. He has ignored her except the time she took a friend's phone, then he waited and replied to the friend the next day when she had her phone back. OW did apologize for that, she was very drunk. That was the last contact until now (over a year).

OP posts:

wizzbangfizz · 27/07/2020 19:43

Why hasn't your husband moved jobs? I can't imagine how mortifying this would be for all involved, HR and the rest of the colleagues. If you want this over then he has to leave and put it behind you both.

VenusTiger · 27/07/2020 20:22

Ignoring her is the only thing that'll work here - as soon as you respond, even with FO! you're opening up a conversation OP - you have to completely and totally ignore her. Also, it's work email, she knows this is the only way of contacting your DH, so you need to remain professional incase she decides to email something a bit 'tmi' - it'll start rumours.

LittleHootie · 27/07/2020 22:43

I said to sign off message from both names - meaning text or messenger or whatever. I didnt say "work email", that would be really odd! Didnt realise she was contacting him via work email, definitely flag that to HR.

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