Please could I have some opinions on this?

[purpleplant97]

Hi :) I would be grateful if someone could give me some advice please. I'm not a mum but I've read some threads on this website before and I would be really grateful for some impartial advice from people and so I've created my account actually for this purpose.

I'm 23 years old and my boyfriend and I recently moved in together. We have been together for three years now and have had a few ups and downs (him reading my entire text message history from the beginning of time one evening when I was out with some friends for the night, being slightly unsympathetic to some of my past and present mental health issues etc.) but generally we are happy and I would say he is my best friend.

My partner's job requires that sometimes he is away for long periods of time. When we met I was aware of his job and this requirement and so when he went away for six months last year I was extremely supportive, sending care packages to his location and staying up in the night in order to speak to him and make sure he felt supported. He really hates his job and so I really did feel terrible for him having to be away.

When my boyfriend returned after six months our relationship status was horrific. We argued constantly over him not doing chores around the shared flat (I did ignore this for a couple of months as he had just been away for so long) that I lived in at the time, and he was paranoid about what I had been doing when he was away (to clarify, I would never ever even consider being unfaithful to him, I also work long hours and I don't drink or go out at all anymore). After around four months we reconnected and were generally happy.

Upon returning from this trip, my partner said that he is absolutely for sure leaving this job that he hates so much. I was very happy to hear this as I felt this was a great decision for his mental health and as we had been together for a couple of years at this point I felt it was a step in the right direction.

However, last week he casually brought up in conversation that he has retracted his notice from work (one year notice period) and has done so because there is the opportunity to go away for three months in October coming up and he wants to go. I feel so crushed by this, as the whole reason we moved in together would be so that we could spend more time together and he would have somewhere to live when he left his job (he usually lives in his room at work).

I'm a nurse and I've been working on a covid ward since February at the very early beginnings of the pandemic and I really have not felt supported by him. I experienced a panic attack last week at the end of my shift and he told me 'there's no point worrying about it' and when I suggested that I was aware of this he snapped back 'well I'm doing ALL that I can to help you' and his attitude really changed. I also had quite a depressive episode a few weeks ago and despite trying to remain upbeat and positive for him he said 'I hate when you're like this, you're like a moody toddler'. This is a massive contrast from his personality when we first met and he isn't like this with his family or friends.

I just cannot understand why he would remain in this job, without even talking to me about it first, when he hates it so much. I also do not understand why he would choose to leave the country again knowing that this time he has the option not to.

I have told him (not argued, very calmly explained) that I'm quite upset at the prospect of him leaving me to deal with the finances and upkeep of the flat by myself when he is away, as well as just not having him here with me as we are in a relationship but he doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. Maybe he is right, I'm not sure.

I'm so sorry for the long message. Also, please feel free to tell me that I'm being unreasonable. I'm really just after someone else's take on this situation, because I don't really know what to do regarding the future of our relationship and I feel as if I cannot live the rest of my life like this (sorry to be dramatic).

Thank you
(hope you are all well and safe during these times xx)

He doesn’t sound nice. Everything you’ve said has made it sound like the world revolves around him and that he’s very controlling.

He isn’t a partner. He doesn’t talk to you about things. He doesn’t help in the house (so what if he’s been away!). He snoops through your messages. He’s stopped you seeing friends gradually. He criticises your mental health, makes you feel bad for it. It really doesn’t sound like there’s any point in being with him. You clearly are quite capable of being on your own. You run the flat. You hold down your job. You don’t need this man. This is not real love. Take the opportunity to build yourself up while he’s away and work on moving on. There’s so much better out there than him.

Hi,
First and foremost you need to realise that he is being v unkind to you and this is in itself a massive problem. Even if he stays and he behaves the way he has...what is the point? People do argue but him being snappy when you are working in hospitals and particularly in these awful times is probably very upsetting. If anything you deserve praise and understanding.. You deserve support for what you do as much as you supported him when he had complaints about his job. And am I reading well that you have to pay for the flat on your own when he is away?.. Is there a shared way you're doing it even if not 50/50 or are you genuinely paying for everything?
As you can see... I believe perhaps his overall behaviour - insensitive and lacking empathy not to mention offensive name calling - is far more worrying that him not leaving his job. Very worrying. 💐

Thank you both for the replies. I think deep down I already know this but I really worry about how much it would hurt him if I ever even brought up the prospect of us not being together. He relies on me for all of his emotional support.

The rent on the flat we will both continue to pay for but I will be paying the council tax, electricity and water bills by myself because he won't be living here. Hopefully financially I will be okay.

Thank you again x

He relies on you for all his emotional support- yet he’s been critical when you’ve needed it, he doesn’t pay a fair share for the flat (council tax and bills would still have to be paid in his absence if he had a flat on his own..). I bet he’s never sent you care packages when you’ve been apart. Yes he will be upset- you’re giving him a very easy life without having to give much back - you’ll be a loss to him. But this is happening because of his own short comings, it’s down to his behaviour- it’s not you treating him badly..

See if you can possibly get some counselling and get your head round things. Build up your confidence re moving forward.

Ps, you come across as a sweet, lovely person.

It's very kind of you to help someone emotionally....however it is unhealthy to be their only support especially if you're unappreciated and get no support in return. If he is snappy sad and moody and taking it all on you it could be a deep unhappiness within him but I'm afraid you're not a counsellor who could help him get better. Is helping him sucking a bit too much of your energy out? You are so young and in no way would I encourage you to spend your time supporting someone who for whatever reasons seems to have changed. All of his behaviours are so uncaring that I would struggle to see how you could help.. Do you have any support around you in friends or family? You must communicate with people around you and put your emotional wellbeing first. I'm afraid his comes second and also seems out of your hands..

If he treats you this way when you could easily tell him to get lost imagine how he’d behave if you had children together and he thought you were trapped. Do yourself a favour and end the relationship.

This is not what a good relationship should be like. He shouldnt totally rely on you for emotional support -no one should depend on each other so much. He doesnt return the favour does he? He doesnt sound a nice guy at all. You are partners which means you help each other.

He shouldnt look at your messages that’s controlling and not normal. He should pay all bills even if away, he cant dip in and out of paying his council tax, life is not like that!

He should be giving you loads of support / you are doing a wonderful job which is highly stressful and when you need support his attotude to just get over it! What care is he offering? Does he cook food for you when you get in after a long shift? Stay up to see you and make sure you are ok?

You need to end this relationship asap and find someone to be a proper partner and who is worthy of you.

It sounds like you've invested a lot in the relationship and are not getting that much back.

A main reason for not ending it is to keep him happy. I'm wondering what makes his happiness, or emotional comfort, more important than yours. He has double the support you do because he has your support and the support he gives himself.

You've been doing a tough job. If you had someone to come home to who was caring and looked after your emotional needs, do you think you'd have been feeling quite so down/depressed? Similarly, if you'd been able to focus on yourself, rather than his emotional needs, would you have been feeling quite so bad?

You have a job that's been demanding a lot from you and a home life that does the same. Someone needs totals care of you and if he's not going to, you need to let him go so you can free up the energy to look after yourself.

I'm also wondering if he's wanting to end the relationship but being a coward and staying in this job so you end it for him. If that's the case, end it, and don't spend your time afterwards feeling bad. Celebrate not having another day of this man stealing your energy.

I am sorry though, because it's a horrible situation for you to be in.

You are not responsible for his mental health, and you can do a LOT better. You are wasting your youth on this manchild.

OP you've made a cosy base camp for him while he does what he pleases leaving you alone waiting for him.
There's no commitment there.

Looks to me as if he's in the armed forces?

If so then there's absolutely no excuse for his not paying his way inc when he's on deployment that's normal!

He's not treating you well at all and he sounds aggressive, moody, selfish, lazy and controlling

If he is armed forces then when he's first back from deployment he will have leave at first so am I right in assuming he's basically sat on his arse doing sod all while you're working?

Sod that!

Get rid you can and should do so much better

His emotional well-being is NOT your total responsibility that's deeply unhealthy for him to give you that responsibility.

You are SO young so you really want another 50 odd years of this? Or very likely his getting worse if you marry and have kids?

I speak from a LOT of experience if my assumptions are correct.

Both my father and my ex were army and there's definitely a type that serves in the armed forces.

A few of them are decent, emotionally stable people but a lot of them have issues and are very bad at relationships

Your purpose in life is not to support this man! He sounds horrible. It sounds like it has run it's course. You're so young. Please end things and move on. He'll cope, they always do.

Imagine a different life where you have a kind, loving partner who is there with you. Or where you have a happy social life with friends. Please don't stay!

Apologies if this has already been mentioned by PP but I have read most of the replies and couldn't see anything similar.

When he is away will he still contribute to the finances or will all his money go on himself and where he is living abroad. If you have embarked on a home together then he should still pay his way, that would at least alleviate the financial pressure on you.

The upkeep of the flat, I would make a list of all the things that you think are likely to require attention and ask him to contribute to the cost or get the work done before October while he is still around.

That would solve the practicalities but not the emotional needs. I understand you would be alone and it isn't right that he didn't discuss such an important decision with you first. After the 3 months would he come back and stay in the house or will this be one of many work trips? You need to sit down and talk it through with him, as it doesn't sound like it will work for you and your needs and it isn't fair to expect you to just accommodate his life whilst yours is on hold.

His lack of support and understanding about you feeling low and depressed and accusing you of being a moody toddler is unkind and not what you would expect from a boyfriend or a best friend, especially when you have been there for him when he has needed support.

I think you need to get all of this out in the open with him and have a frank conversation, it may end up that you feel it better to go your separate ways, he may not realise how strongly you feel about this.

Would you be able to go with him and rent out your home here, that way you spend time with him, but again I don't know if this is an option or whether you would be happy doing that.

Chuck him, love. you'll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. You deserve so much better. You sound like a very kind woman, please dont allow your kindness to be taken for granted. Chuck him and make sure to be very careful you don't end up with another like him. You need someone who treats you well and kindly.

Lets talk about you first. Panic attacks are lifes little warning signs that something needs fixing., You have been on your own front line, in battle and seeing horrific things. Your mental health may need some help and I hope the NHS has this facility for you and you use it. Your boyfriend is not helping you in your front line and is a selfish and self centred man that needs to be in control. You seem to pander to his emotional wishes for his front line but he excludes assisting you in your battle field. This is an unbalanced and toxic relationship of his interests only. If the NHS can give you help in assertiveness, self esteem and knowing your worth you will not only help yourself, your view on how you live your life with your boyfriend would change. Lets put a firebreak in immediately whilst you work on yourself. Don't marry him or have children. If you have had enough of him already then out he goes. You may not want to do that right now until you have worked on yourself to become strong. Use the tour he is going on in October to move him permanently out of your life. Take time out, heal and then find somebody who is worthy to have you in your life. He certainly isn't.

I know it doesn't feel that way but this is simple. It's glaringly obvious from the outside that this is not a kind and caring man with whom you should develop a life long relationship. You will look back on it as a learning experience on how (not) to have loving relationship. You need to calmly but strongly separate yourself from him now. I'm sorry.

You're heading into a controlling abusive relationship - his jealousy and his entitlement are huge red flags.

It boils down to he thinks he's far far more important than you are, and you're just there to facilitate his life. Everything flows one way.

Send him back whence he came. He will make your life a misery.

You're clearly FAR too good for him. He's controlling, disrespectful and suspicious, lazy, entitled and selfish.
You're only 23. Time to realise this was your starter relationship and move on from it.

He is NOT your partner. Or rather he doesn’t see YOU as HIS partner, or he wouldn’t make such a life-changing decision without including you in the process. Nor would he be so lacking in empathy. He sounds like an utter cocklodger, tbh. He is nasty, ruthless and cold. You would be much happier with a dog.

Is he in the forces? He sounds extremely jealous and this will not get any better, dump him and move on.

One of the reasons you are feeling so low is that you feel unsupported. This man is controlling and selfish. By reading your text messages and being dismissive of past issues he’s made you wary about reaching out for support in the same way. Do you still text your friends safe in the knowledge that those messages are private and you can be honest? Or is there something in the back of your mind telling you he might read this?

A good partner would never arrange to go away for three months without discussing it and agreeing it with you. A good partner would listen and sympathise when you have a panic attack. A good partner wouldn’t read your messages. A good partner wouldn’t accuse you of cheating and make you feel terrible for wanting to see friends. A good partner makes your life easier. A good partner doesn’t use you for all their emotional support and offer nothing in return.

Please, please leave this man. He is not a good person, there are so many red flags here. I’m almost certain he’s one of those who threatens suicide when you try to leave (if he does then call 999 every time - don’t take responsibility yourself, but the help he needs will be offered if he’s genuine, if he’s not genuine he will be very angry with you for not being at his beck and call).

Leave him now, don’t wait until October to decide because then you’ll think “he’s away without support, I can’t do it now” and then when he’s back you’ll think “I can’t leave him at Christmas” and he’ll creep back in again.

The summer is a good time to end things and I think your mental health will improve hugely once this emotional vampire is gone.

You’re so young and have so much going for you. You deserve someone who treats you with respect

It sounds like he is using you as a base for when he isn't working away. I don't see anything about afection and partnership in your post, in fact I don't think you said anything positive that stood out about him.

This is not a good relationship. Please consider ending it and finding someone who loves you and wants to spend time with you.

Life doesn't have to be this hard. You are young. You could easily find a relationship where your partner supports you, takes care of you, treats you kindly and with respect. Paranoia about you cheating is a huuuuuge red flag. In my experience those who behave like that are usually cheaters themselves. Not to mention it could be a sign of a controlling / abusive nature. I can promise you that while you may feel like his only emotional support , he would get over it if you left him. I have so many friends who didn't want to leave boyfriends for the same reason and were most put out when they finally did it and the ex got a new girlfriend almost straight away. Don't let some misplaced fear that he couldn't cope without you stop you from putting yourself first.

You sound so much like me about 10 years ago. He doesn't sound like a good partner and you have GOT to be a bit more selfish in this situation. You shouldn't be with someone for them, you should be with them for you. No matter how good you may be for him, he isn't good enough for you. I've just had 2 DDs in the last few years and often think about relationships in terms of what I'm modelling to them. I definitely wouldn't want my children seeing me with a man who was so unsupportive and didn't feel he needed to help around the house. I think you need to end things with this man and untangle your life from his. Give yourself a chance to meet someone better. Sending a big hug as I know it must be very difficult hearing this sort of thing.