Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Please could I have some opinions on this?

40 replies

purpleplant97 · 27/07/2020 02:35

Hi :) I would be grateful if someone could give me some advice please. I'm not a mum but I've read some threads on this website before and I would be really grateful for some impartial advice from people and so I've created my account actually for this purpose.

I'm 23 years old and my boyfriend and I recently moved in together. We have been together for three years now and have had a few ups and downs (him reading my entire text message history from the beginning of time one evening when I was out with some friends for the night, being slightly unsympathetic to some of my past and present mental health issues etc.) but generally we are happy and I would say he is my best friend.

My partner's job requires that sometimes he is away for long periods of time. When we met I was aware of his job and this requirement and so when he went away for six months last year I was extremely supportive, sending care packages to his location and staying up in the night in order to speak to him and make sure he felt supported. He really hates his job and so I really did feel terrible for him having to be away.

When my boyfriend returned after six months our relationship status was horrific. We argued constantly over him not doing chores around the shared flat (I did ignore this for a couple of months as he had just been away for so long) that I lived in at the time, and he was paranoid about what I had been doing when he was away (to clarify, I would never ever even consider being unfaithful to him, I also work long hours and I don't drink or go out at all anymore). After around four months we reconnected and were generally happy.

Upon returning from this trip, my partner said that he is absolutely for sure leaving this job that he hates so much. I was very happy to hear this as I felt this was a great decision for his mental health and as we had been together for a couple of years at this point I felt it was a step in the right direction.

However, last week he casually brought up in conversation that he has retracted his notice from work (one year notice period) and has done so because there is the opportunity to go away for three months in October coming up and he wants to go. I feel so crushed by this, as the whole reason we moved in together would be so that we could spend more time together and he would have somewhere to live when he left his job (he usually lives in his room at work).

I'm a nurse and I've been working on a covid ward since February at the very early beginnings of the pandemic and I really have not felt supported by him. I experienced a panic attack last week at the end of my shift and he told me 'there's no point worrying about it' and when I suggested that I was aware of this he snapped back 'well I'm doing ALL that I can to help you' and his attitude really changed. I also had quite a depressive episode a few weeks ago and despite trying to remain upbeat and positive for him he said 'I hate when you're like this, you're like a moody toddler'. This is a massive contrast from his personality when we first met and he isn't like this with his family or friends.

I just cannot understand why he would remain in this job, without even talking to me about it first, when he hates it so much. I also do not understand why he would choose to leave the country again knowing that this time he has the option not to.

I have told him (not argued, very calmly explained) that I'm quite upset at the prospect of him leaving me to deal with the finances and upkeep of the flat by myself when he is away, as well as just not having him here with me as we are in a relationship but he doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. Maybe he is right, I'm not sure.

I'm so sorry for the long message. Also, please feel free to tell me that I'm being unreasonable. I'm really just after someone else's take on this situation, because I don't really know what to do regarding the future of our relationship and I feel as if I cannot live the rest of my life like this (sorry to be dramatic).

Thank you
(hope you are all well and safe during these times xx)

OP posts:

AlwaysCheddar · 27/07/2020 07:45

A one year notice period... really?
It sounds like he’s going off the relationship.

okiedokieme · 27/07/2020 07:46

I'm guessing he's military because they are the only occupation I know with 1 years notice. You need to understand it is more than a job, it's a complete lifestyle. Dd is military and tours away are part of the deal. At the moment leaving a job is incredibly risky too, especially for a young lad

Fanthorpe · 27/07/2020 07:51

You say he’s your best friend, but no friend treats you the way he does. Go out, have some fun, meet some new people (Covid permitting) and free this man to do some growing up. He’s not good for you.

Bmidreams · 27/07/2020 08:09

Just to add, I was in a horrendous relationship at 23. We lived together and he was vile and abusive. I'm a really strong person but I found it hard to leave. I had all the stories, such as he was dying! I did leave and he is still alive! Twenty years later and I'm happily married with children. I look back and as a pp says, it was a learning curve. I can't imagine my life if I'd stayed. Your twenties are for sussing things out and having fun. Please don't carry him any longer. You're just a convenience to him. What do they say? Something like a man never loves a woman as much as a man who needs somewhere to live??

Dozer · 27/07/2020 08:15

It was a huge mistake to move in with him. There were already big red flags about him, and big downsides (his job), unfortunately you didn’t heed them.

Sounds like it would be best for you to end the relationship. even if you decide not to (at this time) give notice on your flat and get one for yourself or in a share.

Focus on your health and wellbeing. This is particularly important for those of us with history of MH issues.

Don’t be staying up at night to be his therapist!! Especially when he is so unsupportive.

Dozer · 27/07/2020 08:16

Spend time with actual friends: he’s not your ‘best friend’, he’s a boyfriend and not a good one.

Ughmaybenot · 27/07/2020 08:21

You’re wasting your time with this one OP, you need to finish it before you waste even longer. You’re so young and there is so much better out there.
He sounds controlling and jealous, and he takes advantage of you financially. Get rid.

strawberrycreamplz · 27/07/2020 08:29

Next him. He's crap but avoid this trap in the future.
Don't play house with men. Observe their behaviours while dating for a long period. You'll
Learn enough about whether they're long term potential without ending up being an unpaid servant.

hustler2020 · 27/07/2020 08:38

thank you for caring for people through this pandemic couldn't of been easy

as for your partner trust your gut but most importantly put yourself first just like he put himself first

MactheRover · 27/07/2020 08:54

You sound lovely OP and he sounds like a selfish arse.

Dery · 27/07/2020 09:40

"You’re wasting your time with this one OP, you need to finish it before you waste even longer. You’re so young and there is so much better out there.
He sounds controlling and jealous, and he takes advantage of you financially. Get rid."

This. Your predominant experience in any romantic relationship should be one of pleasure, contentment and satisfaction, with occasional mild bumps in the road. If that's not what you're experiencing then you should walk away. You don't owe anyone else a relationship and you do owe it yourself to walk away from a partner who treats you badly. Life is not a dress rehearsal - this is your one shot. You're very young but your 20s should be a time of excitement, exploration and discovering what you want from life because you have the freedoms of an adult, but fewer of the responsibilities which keep adults in one place (especially children). So please don't waste them on someone who treats you badly.

And if he's treating you like this now when you could walk away easily, imagine how appallingly he will treat you if you marry and/or have children. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Dery · 27/07/2020 09:42

Oh - and no adult should rely on one other person for all their emotional support. It's not your job to support him emotionally - he's your BF not your child. And in the long run - it doesn't help him to use you as a crutch because it enables his bad behaviour. But even if it was good for him, that wouldn't be enough. It's not good for you. And that is reason enough to call it a day.

seven201 · 27/07/2020 09:55

Try and imagine you've just stumbled across this thread and you're reading about a stranger. I read it and my feelings are 'this is no way to live and she's so young'. I think you know deep down that you need to end it. He sounds selfish and controlling. It's not ok to go through your phone and it's not ok to make such big life excisions with no discussion.

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2020 10:07

You should have left him when he read your texts.

Leave. Soon

AdaColeman · 27/07/2020 10:11

This man isn't a good partner or a good friend, he is someone who is using you for his own convenience.
Your life would be simpler and happier without him in it.

Plan how you can leave him safel, and do so. Do you have friends and family who will offer support either practical or emotional? I do hope you have, as you sound so lovely and caring yourself.

Lots of luck to you in your new happier life without the problems he is creating for you.

Flip

1 2