Struggling

[welliesarefuntowear]

I'm struggling make sense of everythng I'm feeling'

Last year I found out my partner of 27 years had been having an affair with a woman he insisted was a friend. It's the age old story I know. During the time he was having an affair there was a lot of gaslighting, which took its toll on my mental health. I finally managed to get him to leave around may last year when I found a joint bank account with her although I never had any absolute proof of the affair (he said he was starting a business with her).

After he left I managed to find a trail of evidence, lots of messages, that stopped up to the point where the affair clearly began, so no real proof. I checked his emails, nothing concrete as such but found he'd opened an airbnb account. Of course this was for work. There was a dropbox account. I couldn't get into it.

He left for around 12 weeks and came back as suddenly as he left. The other woman messaged me. She told me he missed the children. I asked her exactly what had been going on between them. She said they had been seeing each other since September the year before and had been living together and she was upset that he'd left her.

I went away with our kids for a while to see my brother (they are teenagers) He absolutely tried to insist that he should come and felt that we should have a family holiday. I don't know what was going through his head.

I went away, and he left again. Again he came back, crying, remorseful and knowing he'd utterly fucked up. I didn't want him there and eventually phoned the police for support He left again to stay with her. I managed to get into the dropbox account and found photos of them kissing, going on walks where we used to take our children when they were small, and sexual video. It was a knife to the heart.

He was desperate. I told him he could come back (I know) but he could sleep on the sofa. I couldn't really stop him and I was worried about him. We limped on but I was convinced he was still in contact with her. He clearly wanted to have his cake and eat it, didn't want to not be in contact with her.

I finally left May this year. I'm not far from the family home and my house is nice and I can afford the rent. My daughter who is 18 lives with me and my sons who are 16 and 12 split their time between the houses.

My problem is this, I can't make sense of whats going on and its driving me crazy. Although I know what he's done, I still can't understand why he's done it and why he didn't have the strength to get rid of her if he truly wanted to save our relationship. It was my daughters birthday a few weeks ago and we had a party at our family home in which he is still in, and the other woman turned up to the house despite him constantly telling me that he was not in contact with her and that it was over. I don't understand how he could let that happen.

I'm going to arrange for mediation, I need to clear up about what to do about the house (there's quite a lot of equity in it and its in joint names) and how often the children stay with me. It''s my youngest who is the only real concern in that respect.

I'd been so close to going back When she turned up at the house on it stopped me. I still can't believe he's done this and how much he has tried to blame me. He's a shell of a man and struggling to pay bills and doesn't seem to understand that he is now responsible for everything He will buy expensive things but not save money for the mortgage. I am still paying the mortgage as well as my own rent. This is not sustainable.

Please help me make sense of what I should push for in mediation.

I think on some level you may enjoy him pleading to you to try again, it may make you feel a bit better, even if deep down you know he just wants to have his cake & eat it too - it is an ego boost to have someone who hurt you pleading to get back together

You are right about the above. If he had been nasty to my face in an obvious way it would have been easier to make sense of. I went round to the house because stupidly I was trying to make everyone happy. I'd been at work all day, arranged an Indian takeaway and sorted all her presents.

I've taken the long road to get here. There's been so much lying I kept hoping the truth would come out and set me free. That I'd have some closure and he would see what he'd done to me and be reasonable.

It's been hard to move forward because the gaslighting has made me doubt myself at every turn. I think I'm only just read,ing that's what it's designed to do.

He is controlling. He has harassed me this week. I went out for a walk with my youngest son when he was with his dad at the other house. When I dropped him off he called me back. He said come in and have a cup of tea I said know. I was cycling. I started to cycle back and he got his bike and chased after me. He got to my house and sat on my doorstep and wouldn't move so I couldn't get in the house. I left him there and went round to the back of the house and hid in my neighbours garden. He left. She let me stay with herder a it. When I went back he'd come back. I got in the house and he rang the doorbell and then went into my back garden. Looking in my window. I feel intimidated by him as well.

I'm worried when the mediation contacts him that he won't engage with them. I'm also worried that I have no real say about my boys because of their age and that an agreement would not be binding if th boys didn't want it. They choose to go back to the old house because it's familiar to them and all their stuff is there. I can't force them to live with me if they don't want to.