Struggling

[welliesarefuntowear]

I'm struggling make sense of everythng I'm feeling'

Last year I found out my partner of 27 years had been having an affair with a woman he insisted was a friend. It's the age old story I know. During the time he was having an affair there was a lot of gaslighting, which took its toll on my mental health. I finally managed to get him to leave around may last year when I found a joint bank account with her although I never had any absolute proof of the affair (he said he was starting a business with her).

After he left I managed to find a trail of evidence, lots of messages, that stopped up to the point where the affair clearly began, so no real proof. I checked his emails, nothing concrete as such but found he'd opened an airbnb account. Of course this was for work. There was a dropbox account. I couldn't get into it.

He left for around 12 weeks and came back as suddenly as he left. The other woman messaged me. She told me he missed the children. I asked her exactly what had been going on between them. She said they had been seeing each other since September the year before and had been living together and she was upset that he'd left her.

I went away with our kids for a while to see my brother (they are teenagers) He absolutely tried to insist that he should come and felt that we should have a family holiday. I don't know what was going through his head.

I went away, and he left again. Again he came back, crying, remorseful and knowing he'd utterly fucked up. I didn't want him there and eventually phoned the police for support He left again to stay with her. I managed to get into the dropbox account and found photos of them kissing, going on walks where we used to take our children when they were small, and sexual video. It was a knife to the heart.

He was desperate. I told him he could come back (I know) but he could sleep on the sofa. I couldn't really stop him and I was worried about him. We limped on but I was convinced he was still in contact with her. He clearly wanted to have his cake and eat it, didn't want to not be in contact with her.

I finally left May this year. I'm not far from the family home and my house is nice and I can afford the rent. My daughter who is 18 lives with me and my sons who are 16 and 12 split their time between the houses.

My problem is this, I can't make sense of whats going on and its driving me crazy. Although I know what he's done, I still can't understand why he's done it and why he didn't have the strength to get rid of her if he truly wanted to save our relationship. It was my daughters birthday a few weeks ago and we had a party at our family home in which he is still in, and the other woman turned up to the house despite him constantly telling me that he was not in contact with her and that it was over. I don't understand how he could let that happen.

I'm going to arrange for mediation, I need to clear up about what to do about the house (there's quite a lot of equity in it and its in joint names) and how often the children stay with me. It''s my youngest who is the only real concern in that respect.

I'd been so close to going back When she turned up at the house on it stopped me. I still can't believe he's done this and how much he has tried to blame me. He's a shell of a man and struggling to pay bills and doesn't seem to understand that he is now responsible for everything He will buy expensive things but not save money for the mortgage. I am still paying the mortgage as well as my own rent. This is not sustainable.

Please help me make sense of what I should push for in mediation.

I had just written an entire post and it just disappeared. Anyway in it I was simply stating that I cannot help with mediation advice however I have been in a situation where the gaslighting was awful to the point where I'd believe anything he'd say. We're all blind to those things and it is so so hard to then recover after. Mentally it's so hard to make sense of anything and it hurts to feel like some men just change and go where they think the grass is greener. Unfortunately it happens - after Al that is a parallel universe where life is different, no responsibility no mortgage bills routines or all the things that come with having a family. It's just..so different from real life in a way. He is no better than you, nor is she, and her showing up (although you don't give details of what he's done in the situation) there proves they're both immature.. There's little respect to be had for people who behave like that and especially with your husband having done his outmost to convince you it was all in your head initially. You will feel better after a while and you should feel however you want to feel... Angry hurt sickened.. You're allowed to. It will however start to feel better and... Lighter after a while. I hope you have some real life support? In the meantime... 💐 💐 💐

"after all that is a parallel universe" I. E. the separate life

Thanks for reply. To be honest I wish he had just gone with her and stayed with her. Coming back but never actually: cutting ties with her has been the part I don't understand. I actually messaged them both in a group and told them to stop sneaking around. She wanted to speak to me on the phone. To use her phrase "fill in the blanks". ? I told her unless he's done something illegal I don't need to know or want to know anymore. She's not important I know but it comes across as she feels like she's a victim in this. She knew about me. She's not a young woman who is naive either.

The problem I have always had is that my ex has never wanted or been able to tell me the truth. It was very tempting to speak to her but I am fairly sure it wouldn't have been in my interests.

He stays with the other woman because he wants to. He can have both, so he does. Sure it causes drama and pain, but he still gets to have both. He just plays the pity card whenever he can to keep you hanging.

And somehow he gets to live in the family home while you've moved out and pay the mortgage.

You need to find some anger instead of feeling sorry for him. Get on with a divorce and get your share.

@category12 I can't believe he's let me do this either. Every time I see him hes trying to get me back. He hugs me in front of the kids. He accused me of arguing with him all the time so I'm constantly trying to be reasonable as he's made me question myself. I've started this thread I guess to try and make sense in my head. I lost my mum in the middle of all of this. I don't feel depressed. Just full of confusion as to how I've arrived here.

You're confused because he wants you to be. He gaslights you to hell, plays the injured party, gives mixed messages and does exactly the opposite of what he says, all while playing "poor me".

He's not the man you knew. Stop engaging with him and get some distance.

Have you got a solicitor?

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum.

You might recognise some of his behaviours in this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

That post is my life word for word. I'm going to try mediation first. I've made arrangements and have legal aid It's likely I'll have an initial meeting next week. Dependent on what advice they give I'll ask about a solicitor. We are not married. It's just the house that I need legal assistance with.

He is plain as day having his cake and eating it! OP find your inner warrior and come out fighting, whatever mess is of his own making and not yours to fix. Stop being a doormat and move on, your kids need to see what a healthy relationship should be.

💐 good luck.

See a solicitor definitely and get the house and maintenance sorted. Don’t ever have him back.

Oh @welliesarefuntowear what a shit he is!

Sounds like you have a good ally in your daughter.

As PP said, get a solicitor and sell that house, making sure you get all the equity you are entitled to. He’s still taking advantage by you paying the mortgage.

Mediate towards getting a parenting agreement. You are going to have to try and resolve with yourself that you’re not going to get any honesty from him about the OW and his childish behaviour.

If he’s is a spiral of self-destruction you need to separate yourself from it, you e done more than he deserves so far and he may need to get to rock bottom before he does anything about it and becomes a role model for your kids. In the meantime, build your life and continue to provide a stable, loving home for your kids. You got this.

Block OW. She has no business contacting you.

I have got one amazing daughter. I'm very lucky to have her. I really appreciate your replies. I have an initial appointment for mediation on Thursday. This is via WhatsApp. My kids are the primary concern. I've had a long day at work and he's been round this evening. He wants me back. He was unhappy. He doesn't understand why I keep bringing it up. He's in utter denial because he can't face up to what he's done so blaming me is the path of least resistance. I am worried he won't engage but a solicitor will be next if he doesn't.

You should tell the OW what he's up to. Join forces to teach him a lesson.

@IveGotFrills I think she wants me to do that. She certainly has in the past. I think he'd use it as an opportunity to gaslight both of us to be honest.

I've spoken to the mediator today. He was excellent. I met with him a year ago when I was still living at the family home and I wasn't sure what to do. He said I seem more distressed now and I need to take back control. The biggest thing is reaching an agreement about the children and when they come to me. After that, the house. I can't see he will want to mediate but I've been able to access legal aid for this so I will be looking to engage a solicitor if he refuses. I think that's the right way round to do things.

They are with their Dad at the minute and I'm feeling sad. This is something I know I will have to get used to. But I have the day off tomorrow and I'll be with them then. I've come this far. It's like I've climbed to the top of a mountain and I'm nearly at the summit

Well done OP! You sound much stronger already.

Why would she want you to tell her that? So she knew the truth? Wasn't being messed around?

As PP said, sounds like you have a plan. The times Without the kids will be sad, but he’s the one that has done this, to you and them.

The OW is no friend of yours, block her and ignore. He may go back to her when you force the house sale, but only because it’s convenient for him. It’s all about self preservation and a future for you and the kids - keep your focus, you can do this.

I think you should see a solicitor, take a summary of all your finances so you can ask them what to ask for in mediation.

@IveGotFrills It's my fault. I contacted her for information. She told me everything. Then when he came back he was still in contact with her. She was fed up about being left on her own after she left her husband for him. He clearly has kept her on side in case things don't work out with me. But that's what's caused this split. I can never trust him. She said she didn't want him back yet was texting him all the time. And of course he was loving it. Not stopping it and showing me absolutely no respect. The fact she showed up at our house as recently as June is enough for me to know how much he is prepared to lie to me. It's so juvenile.

Sounds like he's enjoying the 'pick me' dance she's doing, but doesn't want to alienate you an his kids entirely. Like you said, cake and eating it, too.

You will never be able to trust him. Just get the division of assets done an tell him the house will need to be sold as you need your equity out of it, and he's going to have to start paying his own bills.

OP the man is a weasel in human form. You sound desperately sad and unsure but keep going. Try to keep away from him because it doesn't allow the fog to clear sufficiently enough for you to see him for who he is.

He doesn't understand why I keep bringing it up.

Just about sums him up. He wants you to put up and shut up. To move back in, play happy families, turn a blind eye to his mistress and just stop talking about it so he can be happy. He needs a good belt around the chops with a wet fish and divorce papers.

I've definitely not done myself any favours by keeping in contact with him and I'm trying to evaluate my role in this. I do appreciate the replies. All the time I was hoping that he'd just say. Yes I'm an idiot. I will break it off immediately and do everything in my power to make it right. He still brings up that I argued with him constantly and he was miserable. It makes you reevaluate everything about yourself and whether I should have been different. I want to not love him anymore.

How is it he gets to be the one who's with them tonight. How is it he can seem like a victim because I won't go back to him and forget what he's done. How is this right?

This is meant in the kindest way.....you simply have to harden up. Easy for me to say I know, especially if it’s not in your makeup. Your husband has treated you appalling, I mean just appalling. He deserves zero concern from you. He’s shown himself to be a lying deceitful, unprincipled human being.

Ive heard it’s not the financial hardship, the sadness, the loneliness etc, that hurts the most after a breakup for many women, it’s seeing your children head off to spend time with their father at a new venue with his possible new partner....that’s the emotional lowest point. How you get your head around that I’m not sure, but I see for some women it does get easier, or should I say you simply get on with it. As for concern re him, no way, never, no way! The very best of luck.

I think it’s relevant the mediator says they feel you have declined. You have to take back control - they’re absolutely right. You must stop engaging with your ex. I’m confused why no financial settlement for the house or set visitation schedule for the kids has been kickstarted, why you went over there for the birthday

You keep re-opening the wound over & over, it’s no wonder you’re struggling. You Haven’t been able to move forward because you haven’t actioned any of the above.

You need to accept you are never going to get they answers you want from him - and stop ruminating on the hows & why’s. You know why, he is a selfish liar. That’s why. I’m not sure how he was able to get close enough to hug you - your kids are of the age you literally don’t have to see him or interact with him. They have phones, they’re teenagers.

You need to cut him off & only communicate via a solicitor.

I think on some level you may enjoy him pleading to you to try again, it may make you feel a bit better, even if deep down you know he just wants to have his cake & eat it too - it is an ego boost to have someone who hurt you pleading to get back together. But love, it’s over, you’re struggling, he needs to be gone from your life. You need to stop putting yourself in situations where he has access to you & you’re exposed to him. He is bad for your mental health.

Without actioning a financial settlement or custody arrangement & mediation you can’t move forward. Arguably if after a year nothing has been actioned it’s expected that you will still be struggling, because you haven’t changed anything, you’re living in limbo.

Visit the Chump Lady forum, this is a wealth of support for people who are going through infidelity.