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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DM says we're ruining her life

33 replies

Iggypoppie · 26/07/2020 20:04

My DM is 66 this year and for the past 6/7 years has been helping myself and my DSIS with the DV and in the past dog walking. I pay my DM and she stays with me quite a bit. I'm a single parent of 1 and my DSIS has 4 kids.

My DM is not a natural parent or GP but loves her GDC. We are all reliant on each other for support because there only are the 3 of us. We don't use her for childcare as such but more for company shopping or for plugging the gaps eg. some school pick ups.

We could probably stop but then we couldn't afford to pay her.

There is so much annoyance and resentment around and it's hurting us all but we are all trapped as we need each other for practical support. Do we just have to suck it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iggypoppie · 26/07/2020 20:05

She is a widow and has probably been a bit lost since my DF died 20 years ago.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 26/07/2020 20:16

Dv -domestic violence?

Why does she say you’re ruining her life? Does she want to be free to do stuff and not be tied to pick ups etc?

Napqueen1234 · 26/07/2020 20:18

Was DV a typo? It doesn’t sound like a particularly health relationship between the three of you if you’re very reliant on each other but also it’s causing resentment and ‘ruining your mums life’. Could you put better paid childcare into place if you pay your mum anyway? Then she could just enjoy being grandma without it being a regular commitment.

HelloDulling · 26/07/2020 20:18

Can you explain, OP? What is she saying? Does she not want to look after your children? Your dog?

OldWomanSaysThis · 26/07/2020 20:21

DV - driving?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/07/2020 20:25

If she doesn't need the money and is resenting helping then pay someone else to help 🤷‍♀️

OneMoreLight · 26/07/2020 20:27

I assume she meant DC children.

The mum feels like she is doing too much to help out.

DishingOutDone · 26/07/2020 21:05

So she wants to stop but then wants you to still pay her? How has she been lost for 20 years? I would have thought losing her husband would have meant she treasured you two girls even more Sad

As for you ruining her life that would suggest to me some sort of MH issue/depression. So what does she want instead then? To not see her family?

ChristmasinJune · 26/07/2020 21:06

On the surface of it then this sounds simple. She doesn't want to be tied to "helping out" and want to live her own life. This is completely reasonable. You need to sit down with her and workout how much she is willing and able to do, then find another way to plug the gaps. Maybe help each other out (you and dsis) wrap around care, childminder or using older teens as babysitters.

We could probably stop but then we couldn't afford to pay her.

Is the issue that she's expecting some sort of financial contribution from you, even if she doesn't help?

TheBouquets · 26/07/2020 21:33

I knew a woman who as much as she loved her DC and DGC she felt like she had no life of her own. Luckily for her only one of her DCs lived near enough for her to take on the children. That DC had 3 children and the DGM had then all day 5 days a week while the parents worked and then general babysitting during the weekend too.
I wonder if the DM in OPs life feel that she is not anything other than a babysitter and helper. Maybe she wants to be seen as a person in her own right. To have conversations about things other than the DGC or the domestic stuff. Maybe she wants to spend time with people her own age and similar interests.

YoullFloat · 26/07/2020 22:13

How are you ruining her life?

If she doesn't want to provide childcare she can just say no?

Original poster
Iggypoppie · 26/07/2020 23:08

Thanks all. Sorry for the type DV should've been DC.

I think there is something yes about how her life revolves around the DGC. She'd rather it didn't, but she doesn't have many friends or the means to do much else. She does occasionally do things church related.

She has blamed me in the past for running her life because when she has problems I've tried to help but if it doesn't work out but she blames me. So I've backed off but now she is stuck in a situation she doesn't like. I wish our lives weren't so entwined.

One thing, sorry to drip feed, is that she was once diagnosed as having BPD.

I suppose I feel guilty for not being able to make her life better and involving her in mine but also dependant on her in some ways. I suppose I don't know what a healthy adult mother daughter relationship looks like.

OP posts:
Lochie662 · 27/07/2020 01:08

@Iggypoppie

I'm sorry, having a mum with BPD must be very difficult at times and being accused of ruining her life is not the easiest thing to deal with. It's not fair she's accused you of this.

I think you have to stop relying on her, at all, everything she does for you arrange alternative care, and obviously you have to use any money that you currently pay your mum to paying for the new arrangements. You can't put her above yourself and your child. Obviously she matters and needs consideration but the current situation is potentially toxic to your relationship.

Get your relationship back on an even keel with no expectations on either side and then reassess. See if she's happier with the new way things are.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2020 01:17

We could probably stop but then we couldn't afford to pay her. So you're paying her for ad hoc childcare? Can you stop and pay a childminder\babysitter or work with your dsis to have each others kids?

more for company shopping do you mean keeping her company or you? Who is doing who's shopping g?

rvby · 27/07/2020 01:23

Sorry op just struggling to make out what you're asking or what you need from this thread.

Are you asking for opinions on your dm behaviour, whether mn thinks she is being unreasonable etc?

Or is it more wanting advice on how to deal with her? If it's the latter, can you explain what she is actually doing that you want to see change - e.g. is she moaning at you/your sister? Is she doing things that are upsetting the kids?

Somethingkindaoooo · 27/07/2020 01:29

How often does your mother help?

Josette77 · 27/07/2020 02:25

Does she need the money she makes from you?

AlwaysCheddar · 27/07/2020 08:14

How old are the dc?

ChristmasinJune · 27/07/2020 08:29

Hmmm from your update it sounds more as if you and your dsis are making her a permanent fixture in the dc's life because you're worried about her, think she's lonely and want to fix that. So you're well intentioned but your way of fixing things is to have her run round after you and the grandchildren when you admit earlier on that she's not "a natural" with children.

I'd strongly suggest you cut right down on the number of times in a week that you expect her to do things for you.

Make sure she has plenty of free time. She might be able to make more friends and get more involved in church life if she's not constantly running around after you two.

Also, how often do you meet up just to enjoy one another's company rather than because you want/need something? Try to do this more and find less and less jobs for her to do. She sounds tired!

Original poster
Iggypoppie · 27/07/2020 10:10

Thanks all. @chrismasinjune

Perhaps you're right, we need to make sure she has plenty of free time I think. I was thinking she needs company but maybe free time is better for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iggypoppie · 27/07/2020 10:11

She is around every day as she is staying with me as part of a bubble.

DC are aged 1, 3, 3, 4 and 7.

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 27/07/2020 10:42

Do you schedule her in to help every day?

That a lot!

lazylinguist · 27/07/2020 10:48

It's not ok to expect her to be doing childcare if she doesn't want to do it. If she wants to stop, and if she's ok with no longer getting the money, then obviously she should stop. It's great that she loves her dgc, but a relationship with her dgc doesn't have to be mainly based on helping you out.

saraclara · 27/07/2020 11:48

She can still be part of your bubble, but live in her own home.

This arrangement would drive me nuts (I'm around her age). The kids are all at a really intense age re: looking after.

So yes, free her from her childcar obligations, but of course she will also have to live without the money.

It really reads as though you've never actually talked properly about what you've been doing. You've made assumptions about her needing the company, and you've assumed that she wants to be as involved as she is. You need to talk.

Tappering · 27/07/2020 12:13

Agree with PP, you need clear boundaries.

She can be part of your bubble and not spend every day at your house.

Stop using her for childcare, but make it clear that means you won't be paying her.