My DM says we're ruining her life

[Iggypoppie]

My DM is 66 this year and for the past 6/7 years has been helping myself and my DSIS with the DV and in the past dog walking. I pay my DM and she stays with me quite a bit. I'm a single parent of 1 and my DSIS has 4 kids.

My DM is not a natural parent or GP but loves her GDC. We are all reliant on each other for support because there only are the 3 of us. We don't use her for childcare as such but more for company shopping or for plugging the gaps eg. some school pick ups.

We could probably stop but then we couldn't afford to pay her.

There is so much annoyance and resentment around and it's hurting us all but we are all trapped as we need each other for practical support. Do we just have to suck it up?

If she's feels it's too much for her, you must listen. You are using her for childcare, I'm not sure why you say you're not.

She's a grown woman, she's responsible for her own life. If she's not happy with it, she needs to change it - that's not your responsibility.

To be honest, I'm angry with her to putting this on you. I wouldn't dream of telling my child they were ruining my life.

I would tell her to go back to her own home and use a child minder instead. She wants to be free to do her own thing. Just ask in emergencies but nothing else. If she has free time she may meet friends and possibly a partner.

I was thinking she needs company but maybe free time is better for her. I know you're trying to do what's way but you need to ask her and listen.

Mom would you rather stay here or at home?
The answer might depend on the practicality of travel between the two so if she says hers and she loves 3 hours away, you can't drive to fetch her every day.

Do you want to have the kids and we'll keep paying you rp would you rather we paid a childminder?

Do you want constant company or would you prefer us to back a bit?

Etc.

Thanks all. It's probably all about communication and boundaries. Wish I was back to work and normality it would put some distance between us. I don't want to feel guilty for her life but also she has to take some responsibility for her own affairs.

Running around after 5 children, 4 of them under 5 would exhaust anyone, let alone someone who is a bit ambivalent about being a carer. It sounds like you need to listen to her, maybe she feels taken for granted and it will be enough to feel heard...maybe she wants to rethink her life. You won't know until you talk.

Ruining her life or running her life? You have written both and I'm trying to work out if one is a typo.

BPD as in borderline personality disorder? Is she still on meds for that? That's a massive drip feed OP - if she has BPD she won't be able to make clear judgements. And if you have grown up with a BPD parent, your judgement of her will be clouded too.