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Relationships

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Original poster

No attraction on 1st date, no to 2nd date?

35 replies

LilMissRe · 26/07/2020 16:12

Hi everyone.

I'm just looking for your thoughts on this.

I went on a date today with a guy I met online. I swiped because he had a nice bio, and nice eyes and a smile. There were no red flags at all which I was impressed by because on first dates guys throw them at me like they're going out of fashion (maybe one mild yellow) but we had some shared interests and that was good.

Anyway, I usually on dates look for two things

1: Would I rather be alone in my own company or does this person add to it in a positive way that I would want to make time for them?

2: Down the line, would I sleep with him or feel sexy in front of him, want to get naked in front of him, wake up next to him etc

Now, as we had shared interests and we talked about a lot of things the 1st one is a little difficult to judge by so far

I'm having issues with the 2nd point: I didn't feel any physical attraction towards him and remember shuddering in my car on the way home at the thought of it- then instantly feeling guilty for doing so.

Has anyone here felt absolutely no attraction at all on a first date with someone, only for it to show up in heaps later on? Or was no physical attraction a pretty good barometer or forecaster for how unfulfilling the relationship turned out for you?

What worries me the most is my inability to really trust my gut because when I met my exH, I really didn't find him attractive AT ALL but we shared the same values. However back then I was young and naive, and my family persuaded me that he'd be good for me and that attraction comes with time. I definitely settled, that marriage turned out to be a very abusive and sexually coercive one, and I hated every time I was intimate with him. I was with him for 15 years.

So I am asking for your thoughts as my experience in dating is not extensive but I'm hoping that your stories might help me gain some clarity or perspective :)

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2020 16:16

Don't go on a second date. You'll only be wasting your time. Trust your instincts.

katy1213 · 26/07/2020 16:16

Perhaps just get to know him? He might turn into a friend.

anonnnnni · 26/07/2020 21:48

I may get flamed for this. But I think if someone doesn’t give you glaring red flags during the first date then you should see them 2 more times.

That’s more than enough time to gauge whether there could be a spark/attraction, whether they’d make a mate or whether it’s a total no go. I think everyone can be a little on edge during a first meeting and it can be more relaxed doing a follow-up date where it’s an activity or something a little different.

So my tuppance worth: don’t write him off just yet. Maybe let him surprise you. And if he doesn’t during the next couple of times you meet then you have the universe’s permission to move it along.

Silkroad · 26/07/2020 22:00

Shudder in car = No

Crystalspider · 26/07/2020 22:52

What did you learn in your previous relationship? You said you didn't find your EXH attractive, it doesn't grow it makes you resent being stuck with them because you settled for less than you desired.
You have a chance to find someone new now so be careful not to make the same mistake again.

Carrotgirl87 · 26/07/2020 23:13

My partner turned up to first date with his jumper on backwards and I couldn't stop looking at his neck roll at the back of his head

I was cringing, was pretty cold and a bit of a bitch to be honest

Anyhow he was just so polite and invited me for coffee for a second date and we were so compatible personality wise I gave it a go. He turned up with his clothes on the right way and by the end of the coffee I had forgotten the first date, and almost two years on I'm so so glad I did!!

backseatcookers · 26/07/2020 23:31

If I went on a date with someone and they didn't find me physically attractive then I would rather they didn't see me again to be honest, as that should be something (IMO) that is natural in couples that are healthy.

2155User · 26/07/2020 23:38

I never found my ex attractive, yet our personalities matched perfectly.

I would say one of my biggest regrets was assuring 4 years of my life on him hoping that our personalities would override the need for attraction.

Don’t do it. Find someone who you want to wake up next to.

Itsallpointless · 27/07/2020 01:57

This REALLY resonates with me OP. I had a first date with a man, it was a very long first date, lots of chatting, however NO physical attraction whatsoever.

Here's the thing, I'd had my heart shattered in my previous relationship, so did not want to go for the butterflies, just a 'slow burn' and thought this might be it. I got caught up for 7 years, and still didn't have ANY physical attraction for him.

I stayed because he loved me, ticked a fair few boxes, pursued me relentlessly when I tried to break it off. I was too 'soft' to do it.

Personally I'd move on right now OP, plenty more fish in the sea.

joan04 · 27/07/2020 02:06

All of my long-term, positive, successful relationships had one thing in common: I was not attracted or felt sparks on the first date. These we the best relationships with the most wonderful, respectful, trustworthy men where I count my lucky stars that I was able to spend time with them. Initial chemistry is usually somewhat superficial and common sense leaving your body.

Men I pursued or felt chemistry with were total nightmares. Sparks you often feel are often the product of someone who knows how to seduce a woman quickly.

I would give him another date I think, did he try to kiss you at all or flirt? Perhaps he was passive because he liked you so much which can sometimes throw you - first date nerves? My entire perception of a guy can change once we've kissed.

Sakurami · 27/07/2020 02:47

No attraction is one thing but shuddering at the thought is a no

JaneJack23 · 27/07/2020 03:50

I wasn't overly attracted to a guy on our first date. He was too clean cut and skinny and worked in an office which totally wasn't my type. Seemed nerdy! At the time (I was 23) I preferred "manly men" with muscles and tattoos (embarrassed to admit that). But the second date he showed up with a black eye and a cut on his nose from sports and it completely changed my whole perspective of him. We have been married 8 years now and have 3 kids - and he's looking better than ever!! Give the guy a second chance! Meet him in a different setting maybe.

Lozzerbmc · 27/07/2020 04:00

Normally I’d say give him another chance as attraction can be a slow burn but if he actually made you shudder then I think you have your answer. Dont waste your time.

SarahBellam · 27/07/2020 07:21

It’s one thing not fancying them, but you actively shuddered in your car. I’d take that as a no.

Itsallpointless · 27/07/2020 07:50

Thing is, I didn't actually like his personality, he displayed unlikeable traits. I was hoping to grow to love him just like PP have said.

You might get lucky though..good luck

userabcname · 27/07/2020 07:52

Yeah I'd usually say it's worth another date if you're unsure but a physical shudder - no. Maybe that IS a red flag your subconscious picked up on and that's why you reacted that way? Trust your instincts here.

TildaTurnip · 27/07/2020 07:57

If you shuddered at the thought then no.

ATaleOfTwoCovids · 27/07/2020 08:01

It’s rare for me to feel attracted right away but I only tend to feel attraction in response to sexy vibes (which most men won’t put out there until you’ve got to know one another) or extreme good looks.

undergroundoverit · 27/07/2020 08:02

What was the mild yellow flag?

Would agree with those saying that a shudder equals no to a second date. For both of your sakes.

JonHammIsMyJamm · 27/07/2020 08:04

Yeah, initially I’d have said ‘see him again’ but your “shudder” is a sign that you should move on.

tinyvulture · 27/07/2020 08:31

I’m very new to internet dating - only been on one date so far! I fancied him hard, as well as really enjoying his company, and we kissed passionately at the end. If these things hadn’t been the case, if I hadn’t felt that “spark”, I don’t think I would have considered a second date - though I might have suggested to him we meet up just as friends..... But then, I’m not looking for a life partner, more a part time boyfriend and/or friend, so it’s probably a little bit different......

If you ARE ultimately looking for a long-term relationship, and he ticks all the boxes other than the physical, then I would give it one more go perhaps - but I wouldn’t feel that hopeful, so I wouldn’t if I were you invest too much time or thought into it.....

You could take some positives from it though - at least you know there are nice, interesting guys out there that you have something in common with..... No reason why in the future that won’t be combined with someone whose bones you want to jump! Good luck!

ChristmasFluff · 27/07/2020 08:33

I agree with the last few PPs. This isn't just a lack of attraction, it's an absolute shuddering at the thought of physical intimacy. That is highly unlikely to change.

I'd say that is your gut speaking, and to listen to it.

Original poster

LilMissRe · 27/07/2020 09:49

Yeah it was a shudder unfortunately. I actually really tried to imagine being with him and- shuddered.

That's the thing. Of all the men I dated he seems so grounded and comes across genuine. I dated so many duds (SO MANY), found myself in a situationship, fell hard for the ones that never wanted me and so I started to question myself on this date.

I'd say he probably ticks 7/10 boxes in terms shared values and expectations. I've not come across a man like that, aside from my exH, so I was taken aback I guess.

The mild yellow flag was his poor relationship with his parents and that when he sees the same profiles circulating on the apps for months, he sees them as red flags and avoids pursuing. A tad judgey I thought.

If anything I am so grateful I met him, because I now know that good guys exist. Theres evidence there for me to not give up hope. I am hoping that because of meeting him, I'll be more likely to hold out for a man that has those very same values but also one that I fancy the pants off or grin when I seen him and his texts.

OP posts:

Original poster

LilMissRe · 27/07/2020 09:56

@joan04 No it was a socially distanced date- we didn't touch at all and there was no flirting from either of us come to think of it. We just chatted about current events, our children, and shared interests or hobbies.

OP posts:

Original poster

LilMissRe · 27/07/2020 10:01

I do think that a kiss could tell much more but I was so anxious as is of meeting him in these strange times and would have been uncomfortable getting close as I have very vulnerable family members that I care for and didn't want to risk anything.

OP posts:

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