No attraction on 1st date, no to 2nd date?

[LilMissRe]

Hi everyone.

I'm just looking for your thoughts on this.

I went on a date today with a guy I met online. I swiped because he had a nice bio, and nice eyes and a smile. There were no red flags at all which I was impressed by because on first dates guys throw them at me like they're going out of fashion (maybe one mild yellow) but we had some shared interests and that was good.

Anyway, I usually on dates look for two things

1: Would I rather be alone in my own company or does this person add to it in a positive way that I would want to make time for them?

2: Down the line, would I sleep with him or feel sexy in front of him, want to get naked in front of him, wake up next to him etc

Now, as we had shared interests and we talked about a lot of things the 1st one is a little difficult to judge by so far

I'm having issues with the 2nd point: I didn't feel any physical attraction towards him and remember shuddering in my car on the way home at the thought of it- then instantly feeling guilty for doing so.

Has anyone here felt absolutely no attraction at all on a first date with someone, only for it to show up in heaps later on? Or was no physical attraction a pretty good barometer or forecaster for how unfulfilling the relationship turned out for you?

What worries me the most is my inability to really trust my gut because when I met my exH, I really didn't find him attractive AT ALL but we shared the same values. However back then I was young and naive, and my family persuaded me that he'd be good for me and that attraction comes with time. I definitely settled, that marriage turned out to be a very abusive and sexually coercive one, and I hated every time I was intimate with him. I was with him for 15 years.

So I am asking for your thoughts as my experience in dating is not extensive but I'm hoping that your stories might help me gain some clarity or perspective :)

I wonder if your shudder was more about your past sexual experience with your ex husband than with date man.

I think you may be putting too much pressure on yourself, thinking of sleeping with dates that you haven’t got to know.

My husband of 20 years - we met through friends and had a few dates. I liked him a lot but had no initial physical attraction. But now I (still) think he is the sexiest man alive!

@CoatTails I've not thought of it that way. Perhaps?

My first relationship after my divorce (I say relationship- it was a situationship and largely a massive wakeup call for me) we really did fancy each other and the chemistry between us was amazing. I knew then for the first time and apologise if this is a bit TMI, but I knew then for the first time that a physical connection and sexual experience could be pleasant. My ex was all I knew and as PP pointed out earlier, I really did resent him and more so after he became coercive with sex.

I no doubt am overthinking things- it's something I really dislike doing and am hoping to change about myself. I am terrified of making the same mistake again- ending up with someone, who I later on will resent and thinking "well at least he is this, or does this". Irrational maybe, as everyone is different and I cannot tar all people with the same brush, but it does govern a lot of my decision making when dating.

*I wonder if your shudder was more about your past sexual experience with your ex husband than with date man.

I think you may be putting too much pressure on yourself, thinking of sleeping with dates that you haven’t got to know.*

I do think you should look into this op, I wonder if something triggered in you following the date.

I don't think you are overthinking, you sound very emotionally aware, have you had therapy? Perhaps a few sessions just unpicking a few things along these lines might do you the world of good? I would personally recommend therapy for anyone who has come out of a long term relationship regardless of the reason, it's so healthy.

Also, and I understand your reasoning, but I feel socially distanced dating is difficult, it's almost impossible for any chemistry to build when you don't flirt or hug/kiss but it's going end up in the friendzone more often than not.

@joan04
I have been to therapy yes, and have been going regularly for some years now. I cannot recommend enough and it has been a godsend.
It is very odd dating in these weird circumstances especially when trying to gauge physical attraction as something like a hug or a kiss at the end of the first date would have either confirmed my thinking or opened my eyes to agree to a second date.

I think often we are really attracted to someone with chemistry that isn't "right" for us. Especially when you have history of abusive partners! Even when logically you've worked out not to fall for flags you are instinctively attracted to them.

I would give it a few more dates and if nothing changes then there's nothing lost 🤷🏽‍♀️

I went on a date at 18. No attraction. Still saw him Occasionally with friends. Second date when 30. Have been married 17 years now.

@Sakurami

No attraction is one thing but shuddering at the thought is a no

This. I was all set to say, "give it a go", but then I read you actually shuddered at the thought of being intimate. I wouldn't try to force this at all.

Update:
I did go on a second date, to confirm my feelings because I've heard so many say attraction grows, but I didn't feel anything. In fact, I just kept noticing things that bothered me, which definitely didn't help ( did I self sabotage? Don't know tbh). He made noises that the more I heard him do, the more that it bothered me.

His fingernails were longer than mine, and that is a huge turnoff for me. I did even then, think "well maybe he'll change" but then snapped out of that and thought I'm not going down this rabbit hole again, the guy is nearly 50- he should by now know fingernail etiquette and I shouldn't be wanting to change anyone anyway.

I'm still glad I met him, and I'm sure he'll find a great match someday- he's just not for me.

Glad you went and got a huge fat decisive "NO"