Ex gf

[Exgfhelp]

Hello,

This is going to be another "ex gf contacts me again after (..) time" thread. But I'm wondering what you'd do in my position. This is the story thus far:

Met this girl through friends around 8/9 years ago and we became best friends for the first 2 years. I started to develop feelings for her and at one point she did too and we started sleeping with each other and hanging out daily, like a relationship, but never labeled it as a relationship. After a few months of this I told her that I wanted to be able to call her my girlfriend and she didn't want that, so I told her I couldn't go on with it. A few weeks later she contacted me again and she wanted to be with me. I told her I'd only go through with it if she acknowledged the relationship. We were together again but it was practically the same as before. So I stopped it again. This girl is the first "girlfriend experience" I had, and I was madly in love with her.

Since then, 5/6 years have passed and she dated guys, I dated girls. But whenever she had broken up with a person she'd contact me again and we hung out a few weeks, until either one of us got into a new relationship again.

Now, I know this situation is pretty much a cliché and I've handled this as pretty much a beta male. But most recently, a week ago, we hung out again. We did drugs and had sex. We always had amazing chemistry with sex so every time we do hang out in between relationships.. We usually have sex with each other.

Now, from my point of view the last 5/6 years of contact between me and her has revolved around her being selfish and wanting to feel better again about herself after one of her breakups. (we've hung out maybe 8 times in those years, I never instigated any contact). I'm probably the embodiment of "nice guys finish last".

I've come to the realization that's she's a very toxic person to my life and the text above doesn't really do justice to that, because she pulled a lot of cr4p on me.

Now last week we had sex again as I said and now she wants me to take an STD test because she wants to be sure I don't have one. Me being a nice guy.. I took the test, costs around €200. But I'm sitting her thinking to myself why would I actually keep her in the loop about the test results. Ive always treated her well while the only reason for her to contact me is out of pure selfishness. So I can be the nice guy again and tell her the results, only to not hear from her again the coming year. Or, I can treat her like she's been treating me and not give a s@#t and let her deal with it on her own, while also pointing out that this is the last time I want to have contact with her, indefinitely.

She's a pretty hygienic person so if I wouldn't tell her, she'd still take the std test. So it's not like I'd cause harm to her, and besides that.. my test came back clean.

So yea.. The question is.. Should I keep honor to myself and be the same old nice guy to her, while telling her I don't want any contact anymore.. Or should I do the thing I've been wanting to do for quite some time now and just treat her like she's treated me.

Sorry for the long text, but theres so much more to tell about her indifference towards me and the way she's treated me. I know it sounds petty to not want to tell her the results but the urge I have to treat her like she's treated me is pretty much overpowering me in this decision. Please advice.

Be an adult and don't stoop to her level. Tell her the results and then block her.

This has nothing to do with being a 'nice guy's or a 'beta male'. Your language choice... I dunno how to word it dude but it's the sort of shit incels say lol.

The fact is, she is a dick. She isnt that into you. This is not a man thing or a woman thing. It has nothing to do with nice guys finishing last nonsense. And everything to do with respecting yourself and walking the fuck away. She is not representative of women. This is not a normal, healthy friendship and it's time for you to draw a line under it. That's what it boils down to.

So no, you dont stop to her level but nor do you need to be nice to her. Tell her clearly to sod off and never contact you again.

And do some work on your boundaries.

She's not done anything bad to you, tho, has she?

When you're both between relationships, you hang out and have sex. Unless she's promising you a relationship or being deliberately nasty to you, I'm struggling to see what she's done to deserve your ire. It sounds like she thinks your arrangement suits you both. She handled it badly by telling you it could be more that time in the beginning, but since then has she made those kind of promises?

You had a responsibility to say it doesn't work for you and stop engaging with it.

I was going off 'the way shes treated me' comments assuming the meaning was that she has been a dick but maybe by that op just means she has continued to be 'indifferent' to liking him as much as he wants her to.

But she already told you she didnt want a relationship so if that's all then I'm not sure how she is screwing you over. It isn't like she is stringing you along...you know the score.

But I'm presuming theres more to it and giving op benefit of the doubt that she is a knob for other reasons other than just not wanting a relationship.

Either way, you are only in control of your own choices. It isnt 'being nice' to tolerate behaviour that is hurtful to you.

I agree with @category12. She hasn’t been leading you on. She has been clear that she is using you for sex in between relationships. She doesn’t seem to be deceptive. It doesn’t sounds like she was pressuring you while inside your own relationships. You knew what she was after every time she got in contact.

And every time she made contact, you decided to go there. You could have said no anytime but you were happy to got there.

So now you don’t want to, which is totally fine. You can certainly decide that. But don’t blame her for decisions you made.

Tell her you are clean, but that this will be the last time you talk to her as you have decided to not do this anymore. Wish her well and block.

Hi,

Thanks for your replies. I know I'm dealing with issues concerning boundaries and I know she isn't healthy to my life and I have to get rid of her. I've come to that conclusion, albeit long overdue.

To the above person saying she hasn't done anything bad to me.. My text would be probably be an instant turnoff for people to reply to if I mention all the stuff she's pulled on me. Problem for me is that I have a very hard time saying no to her. She's like an addiction to me, and I'm not even sure why. Maybe because she's the first girl I ever fell in love with.

I've written this text in the state of mind that I have to end it, of that I'm sure. I'm not even a vengeful person but I kept thinking to myself that treating her in a selfish manner to end it, instead of being the nice guy again, would be a more satisfactory way of ending this whole era. But seeing the replies, I'll probably just end it nicely with her and tell her I don't want her to contact me anymore.

To explain the "it would be a turnoff for people to reply" sentence: because the story would be a lotttt longer.

Failing to see that she's done anything wrong tbh. Just seems that what she wanted wasn't what you you wanted. Maybe she thought you were too intense or something?

Plus why do you keep referring to yourself as a 'nice guy'? Do you also say things like 'muggins here' etc? That kind of stuff is a real turn off. Truly decent people don't need to keep telling people that they're 'nice', it's evident from the way they act.

End it while keeping your dignity intact. Be a better person than she is.

With a bigger backstory of toxicity on her part, then my answer would have been slightly different.

But being nasty to people doesn't generally give the satisfaction you expect it to.

I would be careful with all the "nice guys finish last" and beta male rhetoric - that's also very toxic for you.

Your going to get battered on here because your a bloke so let’s reverse this

Your a female and really liked a bloke and started sleeping with him. After a few months he didn’t want to commit to a relationship so you broke it off with him

This bloke always comes crawling back and you end up in bed with him because the sex is great but then he pisses off again when he finds some one new.

Last time you slept with him he asked to to get a STI check to make sure you were clean and now want the results

I’d tell that bloke bloke to fuck off.

The whole "nice guys finish last stuff" was purely in there to describe myself as the person that I am and the way I handle situations with girls. Which, I know, isn't good. We all have our problems, this is one of mine. I don't go around telling people I'm a nice person or something. It's just something I've learnt about myself in the past couple of years.

Codexdivinchi that pretty much sums it up. But the bloke in your example also always comes back saying stuff like "see, if I talk to you I feel so much better, we are on the same page" and "I missed your humor" and "you're the best sex I ever had" and "I can't get enough of you", etc. She messed with my feelings a lot and she knew she could get away with it all the time because I have trouble speaking up for myself. Oh well. I've made up my mind and I'll tell her the results and tell her I don't want to hear from her again, ever.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I don't go around telling people I'm a nice person or something. It's just something I've learnt about myself in the past couple of years

That’s a bit cringe

You both sound exhausting with all the angst and drama over basically being each other's back up while both knowing you're more into her than she is into you.

So, tell her the test results and say in the same message that you have decided it's best for the two of you not to be in touch anymore so you'll be blocking her in order for you to both move on permanently. Wish her the best, no need to be pass agg or nasty.

But grow up (you sound very young and naive), make the decision to not be in touch any more and stick to it.

There are often identical threads from women in the reverse situation, with the chaps sweet-talking their way back into bed and then going off again. The advice is to stop falling for the same schtick and move on.

Not to get revenge in petty ways.

Backseatcookers: thank you. That's exactly how I want to end this situation now.

Codexdivinchi: I'm not saying I'm a nice guy to be complimenting myself. The way I'm using it in this context is to describe my personality and address the fact that I have trouble speaking up for myself.

Cos at a certain point, you're doing it to yourself.

I hope you are very young, if not you need to get your head straight. She was never that into you and you say she did terrible things to you but you profess that you love her. This is not normal and it sounds like the only thing she has done wrong is not bend to your will. Withholding results of an std test-that you did not have to take but choose to so you could bitch about the cost and have another thing that you can put on your scorecard of things you have done for her is the most ridiculous thing I have read about on these boards-that is a feat I can tell you. Accept she is not into you and move on, maybe with some help to improve your reactions to women. I know you are thinking that she was terrible to you-but think, why would you as an adult and free will allow that-is it because this rhetoric feeds your beliefs that she=bad, awful, user and you=used, nice guy, weak.

It takes 2 to tango OP! You said yourself clearly you know exactly what she is like, yet your quite happy to participate in her when she contacts you!

Nothing wrong with being a nice guy (not the same as a guy who portrays Mr Nice Guy as a mask to get what he wants) or a beta male - the issue is your lack of boundaries and self-care/love/respect coupled with an eternal misplaced hope that she will eventually pick you.

Having a hard time saying no to her and justifying it as she's an addiction are romantic idealism cop-outs. You seem aware of what is going on, you know she is toxic, but that kind of thinking is giving yourself reasons not to do anything about it. Instead flip your thoughts: I am in control of my actions; I can protect myself; I can and will say no; I can be nice and true to my nature AND do these things.

I don't think sti tests are the hill to do this battle on (you'll eventually talk yourself into contacting her using this as reason anyway). Text her "all clear. I want no further contact. Goodbye". Then block.

Just block her. She doesn't need the results of your STI test and you are under no obligation to tell her.

Stop contacting her. You don't need to send her a message to finish with her, because there isn't anything to finish. I suspect you are using the excuse of sending her a breakup text, in the faint hope that she'll realise what she's missing and then tell you that she wants a relationship.

Find your backbone and delete, block, ignore her. Find someone else that does reciprocate your feelings.

Crumpets: again, I haven't told the whole story and she knew full well I was still into her when she contacted me occasionally. She even said so herself. And yes, it's my mistake for letting her into my life again and I'm very aware of that. I'm not using the test as a thing to remind myself of all the stuff I've done for her. I just wasn't sure how to handle the situation and let my urge to "strike back" at her prevail or simply let it go and move on.

Look, I have been naive in the past with her and I wouldn't be here asking questions about not telling her test results if she hadn't done awful things to me. I'm not that type of person at all. And I know it's hard to convey that in a single post to strangers who only read certain parts of the whole story. It's just that she has been driving me this mad that I even thought about not telling her. But again, sober minds prevail and I'll handle it nicely with her. Thanks for your replies.

For context: my age is 23.