Ex gf

[Exgfhelp]

Hello,

This is going to be another "ex gf contacts me again after (..) time" thread. But I'm wondering what you'd do in my position. This is the story thus far:

Met this girl through friends around 8/9 years ago and we became best friends for the first 2 years. I started to develop feelings for her and at one point she did too and we started sleeping with each other and hanging out daily, like a relationship, but never labeled it as a relationship. After a few months of this I told her that I wanted to be able to call her my girlfriend and she didn't want that, so I told her I couldn't go on with it. A few weeks later she contacted me again and she wanted to be with me. I told her I'd only go through with it if she acknowledged the relationship. We were together again but it was practically the same as before. So I stopped it again. This girl is the first "girlfriend experience" I had, and I was madly in love with her.

Since then, 5/6 years have passed and she dated guys, I dated girls. But whenever she had broken up with a person she'd contact me again and we hung out a few weeks, until either one of us got into a new relationship again.

Now, I know this situation is pretty much a cliché and I've handled this as pretty much a beta male. But most recently, a week ago, we hung out again. We did drugs and had sex. We always had amazing chemistry with sex so every time we do hang out in between relationships.. We usually have sex with each other.

Now, from my point of view the last 5/6 years of contact between me and her has revolved around her being selfish and wanting to feel better again about herself after one of her breakups. (we've hung out maybe 8 times in those years, I never instigated any contact). I'm probably the embodiment of "nice guys finish last".

I've come to the realization that's she's a very toxic person to my life and the text above doesn't really do justice to that, because she pulled a lot of cr4p on me.

Now last week we had sex again as I said and now she wants me to take an STD test because she wants to be sure I don't have one. Me being a nice guy.. I took the test, costs around €200. But I'm sitting her thinking to myself why would I actually keep her in the loop about the test results. Ive always treated her well while the only reason for her to contact me is out of pure selfishness. So I can be the nice guy again and tell her the results, only to not hear from her again the coming year. Or, I can treat her like she's been treating me and not give a s@#t and let her deal with it on her own, while also pointing out that this is the last time I want to have contact with her, indefinitely.

She's a pretty hygienic person so if I wouldn't tell her, she'd still take the std test. So it's not like I'd cause harm to her, and besides that.. my test came back clean.

So yea.. The question is.. Should I keep honor to myself and be the same old nice guy to her, while telling her I don't want any contact anymore.. Or should I do the thing I've been wanting to do for quite some time now and just treat her like she's treated me.

Sorry for the long text, but theres so much more to tell about her indifference towards me and the way she's treated me. I know it sounds petty to not want to tell her the results but the urge I have to treat her like she's treated me is pretty much overpowering me in this decision. Please advice.

Just a thought but, could she be asking for the sti test because she caught something and doesnt know who from?

It's just odd that she asks you for one a week AFTER you two slept together, dont you think?

Unless it's a control thing where she wants to have you wasting your time and money doing that because she is horrible.

Bunnymumy: she told me she's on the verge of dating a new guy and I'm assuming it's because of that.

If she wanted a test she could go get one herself (prob best you did get one, but not the point) I would have told her to go for a test herself.
You have been a complete mug for allowing this to go on for so long. Block her and don't speak to her again.

You've been doing this shit since you were 15?! Honestl, move on and let this go. It's pointless.

Why didn't she just do one herself then?
...I mean I guess some sti wouldn't show up that early, but still. Seems cheeky of her to ask you instead of just holding off a few weeks before sleeping with the new fella.

Also, there are these things called condoms. Maybe use them in future xD

Yes, it has been a long time. I would've probably dealt with this a whole different way if this happened in a later stage in my life but I can't change it now. Besides obviously telling her to stop contacting me.

As for her not doing a test herself: she came out of a relationship and did a test afterwards. Which was also clean. I think her relationship ended like 3 months ago and she says she hasn't been with anyone else since. Just me. That's why she wanted me to take one. But knowing her.. She's not the most truthful person so I'm not sure she really hasn't been with anyone else. I took the test also to be sure of my own situation in case of future dating.

As for condoms.. I wore one when the sex started but we both wanted to do it without one. And we had sex 5 times that day and I had just the one. You could think now "well don't do it then" but I'm a 23 y/o guy. Rational thinking goes out the door once the opportunity of sex presents itself.

Stock up now you're single. Seriously, fill a drawer. Have a drawer for just condoms xD take no chances!

As a young man of 23, you really can't afford to take those kinds of risks with your sexual health or of getting someone pregnant. Hard cock isn't an excuse for not using your brain.

I don't think you're as nice as you think you are.

No one is forcing you to 'do drugs and have sex' with her. No one is forcing you to reply when she messages you. Block her and stop having sex with her. I don't think she sounds toxic at all. You both just sound immature.

Haha, that's probably a good thing to do.

As for the pregnancy stuff: I knew that wouldn't be an issue. She has something placed (don't know the English term for it) that prevents pregnancy. Only concern we had was the probability of a sexual disease.

As for her not sounding toxic: there's a whole different story about the stuff she's done. Including trying something with my best friend, for example. I know Noone is forcing me to do so, but she knows she can contact me out of the blue and I'd go see her. And I'm not saying she's at fault for doing it. I know I'm at fault for allowing it to happen. But she does know she can easily take advantage of me because she's aware I'm still kind of into her, and it messes with my head each time she suddenly comes back into my life. And now you can say that it's still my fault but I'd remind you that there's a lot of people out there who are being taken advantage of, and there's also a lot of people who will exploit that weakness on purpose.

I have got to get my head straight and become more confident in myself.

@category12

As a young man of 23, you really can't afford to take those kinds of risks with your sexual health or of getting someone pregnant. Hard cock isn't an excuse for not using your brain.

This. You have a lot of growing up to do OP.

I mean you're already pretty confident if you can tell us all that you're a nice guy over and over and a 'beta male'

I think I said it once or twice actually, and I've already explained the reason behind mentioning it. But thanks.

It's about recognising someone is bad for you (which does not make them a bad person, just incompatible or otherwise unsuited to you).

Being attracted to someone or even loving them doesn't mean they are the right person for you to be with.

It would be nice if people did the right thing when they know someone wants more than they do by leaving them alone and not giving them hopes, but often people are self-absorbed or need an ego boost or validation and know they can rely on an old flame for it. Your mental health and emotional well-being are your own responsibility and if you keep doing the same thing and getting the same result, well - at a certain point you need to learn from it.

Personally I wouldn't give anyone else control of my reproduction. If I was a bloke I'd be using condoms unless I was in a serious relationship with someone or I wanted kids. Seems very foolish to me, not to use them when it's the only aspect you get a say on.

Firstly. I imagine the reason she asked you to have a test and said the reason is to make sure you don't pass an STD onto her, isn't because of that. Closing the barn door after the horse has bolted and all that. She'd just get one herself if she was worried. She probably has had an STD and it's her way of you getting checked out in case she passed it to you without having to tell you.

Secondly she's using you as an ego boost. This relationships finished , I feel rubbish , well there always you waiting in the wings waiting for the nod.

You're desperately trying not to be let down by her , this time she'll treat me well. See she does like me she's come back. You set yourself up to be hurt.

Go non communicative. It'll be hard but block her on everything and stick to it. In time you'll look back on it and feel nothing except 'what on earth was I thinking'.

"It would be nice if people did the right thing when they know someone wants more than they do by leaving them alone and not giving them hopes, but often people are self-absorbed or need an ego boost or validation and know they can rely on an old flame for it."

This is exactly the situation that I'm in currently.

We both are very cautious when it comes to reproduction. As mentioned before: there's something placed in her vagina that releases hormones or does something that prevents pregnancy. Yes it was foolish to not protect ourselves against sexual diseases.

The coil probably. And it isn't foolproof. My flatmate got pregnant on it. Any precaution the woman is taking (coil, pill, implant whatever) should be considered an extra back up. Not an excuse not to protect yourself.

I don't think being young and opportunity arising is an excuse. Especially with someone you knew you were likely to be sleeping with. And who seems to be sleeping with other ppl in close time proximity. And who you think is messing with your head.

But hey, live and learn I guess lol. Just be thankful it was am sti test she was contacting you about and not a pregnancy one.

Fuzzymoon that's also how I look at this situation. To make herself feel better and ego. I had come to the conclusion that it has to end. Just wasn't sure how to handle the ending.

Well a condom isn't foolproof either. But you're all very right in what you're saying and we should've used a condom. No arguments here.

Be cautious not to go through life feeling things are happening to you OP. You do rather thrive on this sort of 'one of the good ones' image when actually when it comes down to it you've just been on off shagging this person for years, got shitfaced on drugs and done it again, unprotected and now say she's toxic. It's hardly a romance novel is it.

You need to be accountable and accept you have total agency over yourself and nobody else. If someone else behaves in a way that is unacceptable to you or harms your mental health, you need to walk away instead of going back for more under the guise of being too 'nice'.

Same with contraception. Nothing is 100%, true. It's clear (as in your current situation) that if a woman said to you she was on the pill or had the implant for example, you'd take her at her word, have unprotected and then if she got pregnant would feel you had been horribly manipulated even though you made the active choice not to use the only contraceptive option you have control over - a condom.

23 isn't so young you should be making decisions with your dick that could affect your life permanently, in the form of a child or a disease.

That's not really the whole story of why I'm calling her toxic. I know I need to be accountable and decide for myself when I have to walk away from someone. That's the reason why I've concluded that I need to end it.

It's not that I took her word for it. I knew she had it placed because I was with her the day it happened. If it was a girl that I hadn't met before then I certainly would use a condom. When she contacted me I wasn't seeing anyone so I didn't think about buying new condoms because I wasn't sexually active. I don't just sleep around, so any new relationship that has sex attached to it I always wear condoms until it has become a serious relationship.

Yes, but she could have had it removed without you knowing, or it could have come out on its own (it does happen). (Someone described taking their own out themselves on here once and I nearly died).

You say she's toxic and bad for you and exploiting you - but you still go ahead and have unprotected sex with her.

@Exgfhelp

That's not really the whole story of why I'm calling her toxic. I know I need to be accountable and decide for myself when I have to walk away from someone. That's the reason why I've concluded that I need to end it.

It's not that I took her word for it. I knew she had it placed because I was with her the day it happened. If it was a girl that I hadn't met before then I certainly would use a condom. When she contacted me I wasn't seeing anyone so I didn't think about buying new condoms because I wasn't sexually active. I don't just sleep around, so any new relationship that has sex attached to it I always wear condoms until it has become a serious relationship.

You couldn't have known for a fact that she still had it fitted so it's irrelevant you were there when she had it fitted originally. She could have had it removed. She could have had it fitted incorrectly. You could have been the unlucky people who it fails for even if it works 99% of the time.

You don't sound like you ever want to be totally accountable as there's always been a 'ok, but' vibe in all your posts.

Hopefully it's just a maturity thing.

Well, that's true. She could have had it removed but I know for a fact that she's very much against getting pregnant at this stage of her life. There's a few things that I'm certain of with her, and that's one of them.

"You say she's toxic and bad for you and exploiting you - but you still go ahead and have unprotected sex with her."

Yes, it sounds ridiculous. And I can't believe I've let it get this far but yeah.. only thing that was left to do was end it. I just wanted other people's thoughts on how to end it. And thus a little bit of context was needed.

Take it from an 'old hand', always have condoms. Always. Whether you're in a relationship or not, whether you're out on the pull or not. Have them in your wallet even if you're just going to the local shop. You never know what a day will bring. Always be prepared with condoms. And clean short nails for obvious reason! And clean underwear.