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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Everything was fine, talked about it but now I found out new things

32 replies

Denisee07 · 25/07/2020 16:07

Hi everybody, I had previously written a thread about 2 months ago about this topic, I couldn’t find the thread to copy and paste so you can remember which one. But I will shortly write it down and resume it ⬇️

Him and I had already talked about this after I posted here and heard took in consideration all of your opinions and we sorted things out, he apologized says he loves me and it was “ never with the intention of anything “ he said he felt comfortable speaking with me about it and so on, so I decided to give him a chance and start from there but recently I found out some things I didn’t know of.... **on point 2-) is what I discovered..

Around August 2016 my now boyfriend as an engineer that he is, started working on a luxurious residential building on the beach where he met this girl that caught his eye big time, he has talked to me about this girl a couple of times now ( last time was February 2020).

So when he spoke about her to me, he always said how beautiful, model looking this girl is, that she had all these rich men sending her flowers etc, and that all the men that lived in that building were after her. He even said she had a COKE BOTTLE BODY ( which is a lie, cause I have seen her already, it’s IDEALIZED!)

They began to date in around Jan-Feb 2017 , they never ended up having a real relationship but I feel that he IDEALIZED way to much and was deeply falling for her. ( she had gone through a break up with her past boyfriend due to the fact that he cheated on her.

1-) The point is that one time I was working on his laptop and saw that he had searched for her a couple of times on google ( this was around Sept- oct of last year)

**2-) I recently discovered he has an album of her and this other girl he dated after her on his mobile gallery, and even worse he has 3 folders of backups, of this building that he worked in and met her, including a backup of her pictures and snapshots of all their whatsapp conversations , all stored in a hardrive.

It seems this man was really into this girl or at least obsessed about her, cause from the way he talked to me about her and all this collection of her photos ( including sexy pictures), conversations and some pictures of them, plus it was obvious that they talked to each other/ dated longer that what he had told me. ( ps nobody obsesses so quickly about someone they don’t even know.

Another thing I find very STRANGE is that he took the girl he went out with after this girl to the building she works in, and prepare yourself:, he also took ME not 1 or 2 but a total of 4 times when we began Dating!!! What is the purpose of this?

Another thing I want to ask, and need you to be real honest is , why hasn’t he ever compared me physically to her or at least ( knowing that I am good looking, great body) at least say to me but your way more better looking than her babe,, you know like some real honest reassurance cause I am his girlfriend now, that’s just the PAST!!
**

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 25/07/2020 16:21

Sounds like narcissistic triangulation. Which is when a partner talks about another person (can be an ex or someone from work or even some woman on tv) as if they are amazing. With the aim of making you feel 'not as good as'.

Its manipulative behaviour and very nasty. There is no reason why your partner/date should be telling you how hot some other girl is.

Chances are that if he is making you feel like shit its because he wants you to feel shit. A spade is a spade. And he, is a knob.

Denisee07 · 25/07/2020 17:07

@Bunnymumy

Sounds like narcissistic triangulation. Which is when a partner talks about another person (can be an ex or someone from work or even some woman on tv) as if they are amazing. With the aim of making you feel 'not as good as'.

Its manipulative behaviour and very nasty. There is no reason why your partner/date should be telling you how hot some other girl is.

Chances are that if he is making you feel like shit its because he wants you to feel shit. A spade is a spade. And he, is a knob.

Thsnks for mentioning this cause he also does it with tv , celebrity, actresses, he just says” oh she is precious “ super beautiful “.

It’s just annoying and weird. Is he insecure and wants me down and feel belittled???

OP posts:
MolotovMocktail · 25/07/2020 17:36

I remember your last thread. Why are you wasting your life on this loser? You’ve been obsessing over his obsession with this other woman for months. Leave him to it, he’s not right for you.

Pesimistic · 25/07/2020 17:42

Yes I agree with poster above, leave him, this will be a bone of contention for all of your relationship, you wont be happy, he wont be happy as hes pining over her and you'll never fully trust what he says or feels.

Bunnymumy · 25/07/2020 17:50

No op, he is not insecure. He just wants YOU to be.

He is disordered. He isnt a nice human being. There is no excuse to make a partner feel like shit. He hates you. Actually hates you. Think about it, why else would he treat you this way? He is telling you who he is and how he feels.

Think of a playground bully. That is who he is. And you are his target. Not his partner. His target,his toy, his victim.

Stop looking to rationalise his behaviour as having some reasonable excuse. It doesn't. He just is not a nice person and isn't capable of love. Ge would treat any woman the same. Guarantee he would treat the woman he currently claims to idolise, like shit too.

They are never happy with who they are with. And they never want who they are with to be happy either.

Get shot of him fast. Don't be dragged down with the miserable bastard any further.

ChristmasFluff · 25/07/2020 20:01

I'd also look at why you are so interested in why he does this, yet completely uninterested in why you don't think 'skanky behaviour, I'm out'.

Lochie662 · 25/07/2020 20:11

Seriously OP, this guy is a psycho, he is obsessed with some girl and has a information stored on a hard drive ( you do know that your bf stalking someone else is pretty massive as far as red flags go,?) , you mention that he has idealised her because she doesn't have a good a body as he says he does ( wtaf?) and you are looking for and focusing on validation that you're more attractive than she is.

This thread can't be serious.

sadie9 · 25/07/2020 20:13

He brought you to the building she works in, hoping she would see him and you together, and get jealous and then declare her undying love for him.
He sounds like a stalker. You are being used as part of his fantasy about this girl.
Do you really want this crap going on for the rest of your life? It's not normal behaviour. He's abusing you by constantly commenting about other women. Either he is doing that on purpose, or he isn't seeing you as a person with feelings. Both options are bad and he won't change.

MsDogLady · 25/07/2020 22:25

Denisee, I too remember your other thread about this obsessed man who had inappropriate mentionitis about this woman he idolized. He was immensely disrespectful to you. Besides going on and on about her beauty and popularity, he also told you that they had kissed and cuddled in his bed in their underwear.Hmm When he repeatedly took you and his other ex to her building, he was obviously using you both to influence her.

I also recall that he had negged you in various ways. He encouraged you to do abdominals because he likes flat stomachs and small waists. Another time, when your friend who photographed you was on speakerphone with you and BF, she spoke highly of you as a friend/colleague and praised your beautiful photos. She commented later how insipid he seemed when she praised you. He never even asked you to show him the photos. Yet he frequently comments on the beauty of other women. He wants you to feel inadequate, Denisee.

You are now fully aware of just how deep his obsession with Ms Perfect goes. It is disturbing. You were previously advised to walk away, as this manipulative man wants to diminish you. Surely you will leave now.

SoulofanAggron · 25/07/2020 23:23

I remember your past thread OP.

This guy is weird, stalkery, and inconsiderate (or cruel?)

Now you have even more proof that he's obsessive and weird. Sad

The stuff he was saying about controlling your figure/exercise routine that @MsDogLady mentions is even more unpleasant.

He is 'not nice' OP.

Find yourself a normal man who showers you with compliments.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2020 23:28

I'm another wondering why you're wasting time on this loser. What are you even doing with him? Give your head a wobble, dump and block.

user1481840227 · 25/07/2020 23:58

Not this again.
OP what more is it going to take for you to leave him?

If you found a diary where he full on confessed his obsession with her and how everything he ever does is because he wants her back and blah blah you would still stay with him and still just stay looking for more and more proof and more and more to obsess over yourself.

kazzer2867 · 26/07/2020 00:14

Hi OP. I remember your previous thread. You were given some really good advice so i'm not quite sure what else you want to hear. He may be obsessed with this woman, but your behaviour smacks of obsession too.

You've known this man since Jan 2018. I'm surprised you're still putting up with this. It really is time for you to move on or who'll be writing the same thread this time next year.

Here's the link to your previous post:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3911420-What-is-behind-his-obsession-with-this-woman-I-really-don-t-understand?pg=1

crimsonlake · 26/07/2020 01:02

Why just why are you still with this man??
Are you so desparate to be in a relationship?

user1481840227 · 26/07/2020 01:05

There was also this one on boards.ie from January!

www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058047827

God knows where else you have posted...but everyone keeps telling you the same thing and you refuse to listen.

Iloveme30 · 26/07/2020 01:26

Is this a real thread ?
What woman in their right mind would write this ?
You are NOT in your right mind !
How dare he !!!!!!
He is wholly insecure and is lacking in respect, emotions and common decency the absolute twat 😡😡😡😡😡
Please pick your self respect from around your ankles and kick this fool into next year 😱
Your worth a thousand of him he's profoundly screwed up and he's abusing your love and respect for him , I bet your stunning and she's not even all that .. but he wants you to feel inferior
GET RID
he'll only get worse you deserve soooooo much better ThanksThanksThanks

Closetbeanmuncher · 26/07/2020 02:39

This thread can't be serious

Sadly I think it is.

OP's been told numerous times he's a basketcase but she sticks around because in her mind she deserves to be acknowledged as the 'best looking'

Concrete sledge 😂

MsDogLady · 26/07/2020 03:08

This toxic loser who uses you to perpetuate his fantasy fixation, openly comments on other women’s looks, and intentionally undermines your self-esteem is 48 years old. He wants you to feel less-than and he is not going to change. And you can be sure that he is ‘revisiting’ this woman’s photos/conversations on a regular basis.

Please gather your dignity and leave.

Newbiehere123 · 26/07/2020 03:39

I had a best friend/cousin like this and I spent my teenage years being very insecure. I can now see how she manipulated me to feel insecure about myself and enjoyed feeding off that. I cut her out my life 2 years ago. Honey you say you are good looking and have a great body and even if you didn't, you don't need this loser to approve that for you so you could feel good about yourself. Like the pp has mentioned, the guy is a psycho. They will make you go crazy and walk out/cheat and tell everyone that you were crazy to justify why they'd walked out/cheated on you. Run run run 🏃🏻‍♂️

LittleWing80 · 26/07/2020 04:07

What are you going to do now OP?

Greyblueeyes · 26/07/2020 04:09

Please end this, OP. You know that this isn't a healthy relationship. He doesn't love you, and is possibly incapable of loving anyone. End this and move on. Please.

foxgl4ve · 26/07/2020 04:10

Why are you still there? He is not that into you. Not your fault but get out.

SatanicDesk · 26/07/2020 04:14

I remember your last thread as well. What is the prize here? It seems like, as pp alluded, you’re being kept dangling by him, gnashing for any scrap of validation; ironical in this instance as he is/has simultaneously inversely perpetuating this very dynamic with his “stalk victim” but with him as the “bitch” in that context (dangling himself & seeing her as validating him).

Does he make you feel cherished, loved, adored and the most important woman in his life? His number one choice? If not, why bother? How much joy does he bring?

I imagine you’re extremely competitive which is what keeps you looking to you v her, instead of judging HIM (not judging you btw as I haven’t been in the same situation but have encountered narcissistic triangulation so know it is a massive head fuck), but just to let you know this is never a competition you should want to enter, let alone “win” with that controlling misogynistic manchild stalker as the prize.

As an aside, who keeps screenshots (& backup screenshots) of text conversations? That alone is a double back flip over the hard red line imo... weird af. Get rid!

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/07/2020 07:11

Dump him
Dump him
Dump him

Seriously what do you see in this vile creature? Do you want children? You know you can’t have any with him, surely? He would screw them up terribly.

Get rid
Get rid
Get rid

Speedun · 26/07/2020 07:16

Groundhog Day again.