He doesn't want me to go out

[anna189]

Hi everyone , I hope you're all doing well
I'm new to this just wanted some advice.

I have 2 children with my partner, I look after them all the time. My partner works short hours and when he comes home he just relaxes doesn't help with anything else at all. Sometimes he will do the dishes or hoover but this rarely happens

When I go out with friends he starts an argument all the time , to why I go out and tells me that I already went out during the week once so once should be enough . This isn't about going out to bars or clubbing as I don't do that. I just want spend time with friends during the day.

He then gets paranoid and messages me and tells makes me feel crap about being outside or being with friends and tells me that I am supposed to stay home all the time with the kids and that I shouldn't be outside .

He counts the amount of times I'm out and even if I take too long at the shop or am outside for a walk he will text me crazy things about me having responsibilities.

Sorry a bit of a rant but I have no one else to talk to about this .

You need to leave him as soon as humanly possible. He is abusive and isolating you from your friends in order to control you. What he's doing is not normal and it's coercive control, which is illegal abuse.

Get out now.

He is controlling. You are in an abusive relationship.

How does he know you’re out, if he’s at work? Is he tracking you via your phone or something?

This is coercive control (look it up) and he is trying to isolate you from friends. Do you have any family you can turn to for help?

Leave his useless guts

Op this is not normal. He is trying to isolate and control you. There’s a very high chance he will become physically abusive.

For you and your kids to be safe and to live a normal life, you will need to leave.

I’m so glad you found this site as there is lots of good information on here to help you.

Have a look at Lundy bancrofts book Why does he do that
Look at doing the freedom programme. Women’s aid is an agency that can help
Take some time to process this and make a plan. There is a better life for you and we are all here for you.

He doesnt want you to go out because he has tk look after his children. Lazy selfish and controlling. I hope you do leave him.

Read the following, take it in and take action:

I can do better. This is not acceptable.He neefs to go.

Good luck. You can do this!

Oh, OP. This is not normal at all. He is controlling at best. This is unsustainable for you. Please do what previous posters have suggested. Contact women's organizations and let them help you to leave. I don't think that he will ever change. You and your children deserve better.

Please keep posting. I've found that posters on MN have excellent advice from women who have been where you are.

You don't have to live this way.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Contact women's aid or a local organisation. You need to get out for good.

Whose house is it. Do you rent or own.

This has actually happened to a friend of mine. We haven't seen her for a year due to responsibilities and then covid. Our small group of friends are meeting for lunch and she told me he had already started all this a week in advance , then last night she said she can't come today.
I support her and will always be there for her but she will never leave him, and I doubt you will either OP.
Without being harsh, that is absolutely your only solution, no one on mumsnet has a magic bullet to suddenly turn your partner into a reasonable man

Sorry a bit of a rant but I have no one else to talk to about this .

Talk to him about it. Say goodbye.

He is Very controlling.

This is abuse and it will carry on till you put a stop to it by leaving. For the sake of your children and you, you need to get out.

He's your partner not your owner. You're an adult and shouldn't accept being controlled by anyone. His behaviour is actually illegal.

You're in an abusive relationship. He's abusing you. Please think about leaving.

anna

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They are seeing you as their mother being controlled and therefore abused also by their lazy shit dad with you currently accepting this from him. Its no legacy to leave them at all. You would not want your kids as adults to be in such a relationship and its not good enough for you either.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Do contact Womens Aid or your local women's domestic violence organisation. That is what you ultimately need to do here, you and your kids need to get away from him. This relationship is over because of his abuse meted out towards you and in turn your kids. He will not change, infact he will continue to ramp up the power and control against you and in turn them. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

This is no life, you need to leave.

Sorry but you need to leave.
He will never change.
He's controlling and this is abusive.

He's a controlling nut-job.

They never change.

tells me that I am supposed to stay home all the time with the kids and that I shouldn't be outside.

We have the privilege of living in a Western liberal democracy, with human rights for all.

We are not in an Islamic fundamentalist (though their laws and customs vary obviously) state where women are essentially imprisoned in their homes and can't go out without permission.

He's trying to make your relationship and home into a little mini totalitarian Islamic fundamentalist state where you have don't have our normal human rights ... In a bubble within this country. It's a type of imprisonment really. He knows he can't lock you in (though I've heard some women on here say they've been locked in their homes by their partners for periods/when he's gone out etc),he knows if he died that you could tell people, maybe even phone the police (esp.if an emergency cropped up) , so he's trying to do the locking with a set of rules imposed on you "you shouldn't go out .. You're a bad person/partner/mother if you go out" plus making it so stressful and unpleasant for you of you go out that that will make you stop too.
He's trying to deprive you of your human rights in this country.

And why?
So that he can feel that he has total control over you.

Would you ever try to do something like that to him? Why not?

Underneath it is the belief that you (and probably the kids) are his property, not a free individual with rights. Rights equal to his rights or rights at all.

People like this are not right in the head and they rarely ever change. In fact the chance is so low it's safest to presume it will not happen. In sorry youve had your two children with him (instead of a well adjusted man) but it is what it is and you can only deal with the situation you're in.

Women's aid might be a good help. They have an online chat service now too.

He doesnt want you to go out because he has to look after his children

Plus I'd be willing to bet a tidy sum of money that he's the "jealous, possessive" type.

*though I've heard some women on here say they've been locked in their homes by their partners for periods/when he's gone out etc

I should make it clear, they were talking about abusive ex partners.

Btw I spent nearly 18 months in s relationship trying to reason with and work with a man who didnt want me to go out socially without him (he phrased it as us going out without each other, but I didn't mind if we went out socially without me, do that tactic didn't work for him) ....

He never stopped, he never changed, he appeared to agree it was unreasonable fod periods bit always always returned to the same behaviour. Repeating his opinions, getting angry, anxious, critical and threatening to end the relationship (or appearing to end it but not following through if I contacted him, which to my embarrasment I did several times) over a d over and over again.

Not long before I ended the relationship, he was kicking off about a prospective girls night out my cousin had proposed and I was letting him know about out of consideration(even though the anticipation of his reaction gave me stress every time I planned something .. again a huge sign I was in a shit relationship) and I realised he was never going to stop, never going to change. The relationship petered out not that long afterwards.

They can't, it's in them, in the fibre of their being, in their core values. They can't offer anyone a good, fair relationship.

If they get into a lasting relationship with a woman it's only because the woman is letting them control her.

@AnyFucker

He is controlling. You are in an abusive relationship.

Please get some help and get out of this relationship. It will only get worse.