Cant move on from wife

[tvaustin]

Me and my wife of 14 years separated last year. We were together for 19 years and were each others first loves. I am now 38 and she is 36.

She left me because she didnt feel any attraction towards me and we were constantly in debt amongst other things.

We never had a proper sex life (would have sex about 10 times a year) and it never really bothered us as we thought this was normal and wife said sex doesnt bother her and it wouldnt bother her if she never had sex again.

We have 3 kids aged 5, 11 and 13 and while we were together the youngest would climb into our bed as he hates sleeping in his own bed and this still continues with my wife now. During her 3rd pregnancy she suffered a prolapse and this affected her confidence big style.

I suffered a break down when she told me we were separating and wanted to take my own life. I ended up in a mental hospital for 1 month and on antidepressants when i came out.

Wife was good in that she let me keep the house and car and she moved into her mums with the kids while awaiting rehousing.

While living round her mums she had a hysterectomy to sort her prolapse out. I helped her during the recovery process while she was living round her mums and we grew close again to the fact that we decided to give our marriage another go but to not tell anybody for fear of things not working out.

Things were good for about 5 months. She got her own place for her and the kids and we were spending quality time together and we were tackling our debts. We didnt have sex with each other but there was more cuddles and kissing and she would let me share a bed with her when i stayed over (about 4 nights a week) and she said this is the happiest she had felt in a long time.

1 night i was getting the kids ready for bed. I then went downstairs and my wife was asleep on the sofa with her phone in her hand. I took the phone as i didnt want her to drop it but when i looked at the screen i saw that she had been sexting her best friends ex. I woke her up and confronted her. She said that it was just for the attention and nothing physical actually happened she just wanted somebody other then her husband to say she was beautiful etc and to see if she would get turned on after the hysterectomy as she still didnt find me attractive. She said she doesnt find him attractive but just felt low about herself. She said she needed time to think what she actually wants in life.

I forgave her and wanted to give our marriage another go but she has been adamant that she is happy being single and she wont get back with me as you need physical attraction in a relationship. I have said i would do anything for us to get back together but she is having none of it.

Everytime i see her i beg her to give us another try and this has been going on for about 3 months now and i know i need to stop as it is causing arguements which the kids are witnessing but i love her so much that i just cant stop begging her.

She just keeps saying that she doesnt find me attractive, her prolapse is back so she wants to sort her body out but she wants to be with somebody who she fancies and would like to have an active sex life with them.

I am not interested in another relationship as i love my wife so much that i want us to be together again but she doesnt want to try as she is not interested in me in a sexual way.

I have tried the no contact route but just worry what she is up to especially when kids sleep round mine and this morning i found out that she had joined a dating site and went mad at her even though she is free and single but it just breaks me that she will at some stage be having sex with another man whether it be in a months time or 5 years time.

How do i move on or try and get my wife back

It’s ashame because your personality sounds attractive. Is there anything you can do on physical appearance like working out, teeth being done, changing hair etc? If there is you should do these things for yourself to move on and feel better not for her. If there is not perhaps think of how you could date again and how rubbish she’s just been to you and her best friend.

Before we separated my wife became a fitness freak - doing 5 gillian michaels workouts a week. We looked like little and large and because money was tight i would let my hair grow long before having it cut to save money i feel that this may have played a part in her decision.

When i got admitted to hospital i ended up losing 2 stone in there and it is the lightest i have been for about 7 years. I have since kept this up and get my hair cut regularly and now do weights at home but this has made no difference in the way she feels about me.

She just said she isnt attracted to me and why should she force herself to be with someone who she doesnt fancy.

I have said i would do whatever it takes- lose more weight, give up smoking and even plastic surgery as i want to be with her so much and didnt reliase how much i loved her before it was too late.

I said sex doesnt bother me i just want her in my life - share a bed together, give each other cuddles. We used to do foreplay a lot and she would cum everytime and i said i would be happy with that but she said she wants an active sex life with somebody she finds attractive and this hurts me a lot as she wants to correct the mistakes in our marriage (not having sex and even saying sex doesnt bother her)

I think you need to listen to your (ex) wife, she has said no - that means no.

You can't make someone love you and want you. She is telling you she does not want to be with you, does not find you attractive and does not ever want to have sex with you. Believe her and concentrate on finding someone who does find you attractive and will love you. That's what you deserve.

TBH she sounds a bit unkind and you sound as if you might be coming across to her as desperate.
Take her at her word and find someone else.

i found out that she had joined a dating site and went mad at her even though she is free and single but it just breaks me that she will at some stage be having sex with another man whether it be in a months time or 5 years time.

I'm sorry you're hurting but you have got to get a grip.

She doesn't want you, she doesn't want to continue with the marriage, and you have to deal with it. It's harsh but true. Going mad at her over anything regarding her personal life is completely unacceptable and it's clear harassment. You don't own her.

Focus on your future and being a good dad to your kids. Leave your wife alone and move on.

I know i need to move on but just cant seem to or want to - even if there is just 1% chance of us getting back together then i would fight for it

Try dating again put urself out there she might then do a reverse it happened with my mum and dad he tortured her when she left she moved on once he did she wanted him back lol

@Noneyerbuisness11234

Try dating again put urself out there she might then do a reverse it happened with my mum and dad he tortured her when she left she moved on once he did she wanted him back lol

This

You are actively pushing her away with your desperate actions right now.

As the saying goes; if you love someone set them free, if they come back, they're yours.

Just focus on being the best dad possible and bettering yourself. Keep up the keep fit, keep up your grooming. Get your teeth cleaned and polished. Get a new hobby outside the home and build up your life away from her best you can. Youll be a catch, for her or a new lady down the line that does want you.

Switch your focus from her to you.

All you're doing now is pushing her further and further away. Nothing is more unattractive than desperation and immaturity. Leave her alone.

I hear that it's painful, but I agree. The most 'attractive' thing you can do is focus on sorting yourself out. Stay fit and healthy, be a good dad, sort out the debts, and try and find some joy in your life that doesn't involve her.
You can't make someone love you and like a bar of slippery soap, the tighter you try to hold it, the quicker it slips out of your grasp.

You need to get some dignity and just be a good dad. Stop badgering her.

Jesus i can’t believe how many people in this thread are minimising your behaviour OP.

You are harassing your ex wife (EX). No means no. She has told you no, many, many times. Losing your shit because she has been able to move on could lose you everything in the future if you don’t get a grip.

Personally speaking, I have never, ever become attracted to a person sexually again once the attraction has gone. Never. It wouldn’t matter how many haircuts they had, how much weight they lost or how much plastic surgery(!?) they had.

People advised you to work on yourself for your own sake, not because your ex might then want you again. You immediately took that to be a suggestion for how to get her back.

You are obsessed, you need to move on. Get therapy if you can’t do it by yourself, but please stop harassing your ex and your children (you are clearly dragging them into this if you “found out” she was on dating apps through them).

this morning i found out that she had joined a dating site and went mad at her even though she is free and single but it just breaks me that she will at some stage be having sex with another man whether it be in a months time or 5 years time.

That right there is harassment. And it's abusive. Stop it, you don't own her and she doesn't answer to you.

Having been on the receiving end of that shit, I guarantee you that while you think you're just showing devoted and heartbroken you are, she's lying awake at night wondering if you're going to be one of the ones who snap and murder everyone. It's been years for me, and reading your words still puts a chill down my spine.

Get a therapist and leave her the fuck alone.

*how

Sorry but I think you have to realise it's over and has been for a long time. How many times does she need to tell you she just doesn't fancy you any more before it sinks in? Hanging on desperately to completely false hope isn't healthy for you, for her or for the kids. Do everyone a favour and take no for an answer. If you need to, look into counselling for yourself to get through this.

You need to speak to your GP and get some help.

From what you have said I’m not surprised she left, debts, living in the family home while your ex wife had to move out with the 3 kids, thinking your amazing for ‘helping out’ after your EX wife had major surgery to correct a problem which happened when she gave birth to your children, harassing your EX wife, putting the a your want to have your EX wife before the emotional needs of your children.

Don’t start dating again before you get help and learn how to treat women properly.

I have to agree with @WinterAndRoughWeather. There is a lot of minimising of your behaviour here. Like it or not your wife has made it really clear that she wants to move on with her life. You need to accept that. Your behaviour sounds obsessive.

You have said you were admitted to hospital because of your mental health. Your behaviour suggests that you might need some additional help. For your sake and your children, please leave your wife alone before she decides to take it further.

once you start to move in she will be interested

It's over, Make arrangements for the chilfren visiting and leave her alone.
Some mixed messages perhaps with the cuddles etc. BUT she has told you numerous times she doesn't want to be with you anymore. SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE.
You need to listen, take that in and move on with your life and let her live hers.

It isn't what ypu want to hear, but that 1% isn't there. You're over.

You will be happy again in time. Good Luck.

It's very manipulative to try and take your life because she wanted free. Did you not think of the poor children? She left the house and car because she was desperate to get out and was probably beaten down by trying to communicate with you. I don't buy the story of accidentally checking her phone screen. And then you wake her up to talk about it?
I think you are acting very childish and unstable mentally. Your behaviour is not normal and dangerous. Leave her alone and get some mental health help.

Some posters fall over themselves to be equittable for a male poster especially if he is the one pining stalking an ex who is no longer 'attracted'. Maybe because men usually use that line with women so it plays on the strings of their heart.
Look this is not some grand amour soulmate story. This is not love. You are acting sick. STOP IT.

I get that you are heartbroken but she's not the only woman in the world. As others have said self improvement now should be for you and you only. It will do wonders for your self esteem and health but won't win her back. But do it anyway!
You won't always be heartbroken. Is this your first relationship ending? You are behaving like it is.

I just don't understand where you're coming from at all.
Do you not realise you've imprisoned yourself in this no future relationship?
Don't know where your ex agenda is either and you are living in a nightmare in hope to achieve your dream.
Weird.
It's not going to happen from where I'm sitting. You must have liked your hospital food and ignored the therapy. You had therapy? It doesn't sound like you've recovered at all. But then you never will in a fantasy.
Get help OP.