Cant move on from wife

[tvaustin]

Me and my wife of 14 years separated last year. We were together for 19 years and were each others first loves. I am now 38 and she is 36.

She left me because she didnt feel any attraction towards me and we were constantly in debt amongst other things.

We never had a proper sex life (would have sex about 10 times a year) and it never really bothered us as we thought this was normal and wife said sex doesnt bother her and it wouldnt bother her if she never had sex again.

We have 3 kids aged 5, 11 and 13 and while we were together the youngest would climb into our bed as he hates sleeping in his own bed and this still continues with my wife now. During her 3rd pregnancy she suffered a prolapse and this affected her confidence big style.

I suffered a break down when she told me we were separating and wanted to take my own life. I ended up in a mental hospital for 1 month and on antidepressants when i came out.

Wife was good in that she let me keep the house and car and she moved into her mums with the kids while awaiting rehousing.

While living round her mums she had a hysterectomy to sort her prolapse out. I helped her during the recovery process while she was living round her mums and we grew close again to the fact that we decided to give our marriage another go but to not tell anybody for fear of things not working out.

Things were good for about 5 months. She got her own place for her and the kids and we were spending quality time together and we were tackling our debts. We didnt have sex with each other but there was more cuddles and kissing and she would let me share a bed with her when i stayed over (about 4 nights a week) and she said this is the happiest she had felt in a long time.

1 night i was getting the kids ready for bed. I then went downstairs and my wife was asleep on the sofa with her phone in her hand. I took the phone as i didnt want her to drop it but when i looked at the screen i saw that she had been sexting her best friends ex. I woke her up and confronted her. She said that it was just for the attention and nothing physical actually happened she just wanted somebody other then her husband to say she was beautiful etc and to see if she would get turned on after the hysterectomy as she still didnt find me attractive. She said she doesnt find him attractive but just felt low about herself. She said she needed time to think what she actually wants in life.

I forgave her and wanted to give our marriage another go but she has been adamant that she is happy being single and she wont get back with me as you need physical attraction in a relationship. I have said i would do anything for us to get back together but she is having none of it.

Everytime i see her i beg her to give us another try and this has been going on for about 3 months now and i know i need to stop as it is causing arguements which the kids are witnessing but i love her so much that i just cant stop begging her.

She just keeps saying that she doesnt find me attractive, her prolapse is back so she wants to sort her body out but she wants to be with somebody who she fancies and would like to have an active sex life with them.

I am not interested in another relationship as i love my wife so much that i want us to be together again but she doesnt want to try as she is not interested in me in a sexual way.

I have tried the no contact route but just worry what she is up to especially when kids sleep round mine and this morning i found out that she had joined a dating site and went mad at her even though she is free and single but it just breaks me that she will at some stage be having sex with another man whether it be in a months time or 5 years time.

How do i move on or try and get my wife back

**Everytime i see her i beg her to give us another try and this has been going on for about 3 months now and i know i need to stop as it is causing arguements which the kids are witnessing but i love her so much that i just cant stop begging her.”

*you are being very unfair and cruel to do this in front of your kids!!! You “love her so much” that nobody else’s feelings matter except your own. If you truly love her- let her be free! Love is not keeping her caged up unhappy just because you want her there!! I have never been able to get back attraction once it’s gone. I’m sorry you’re hurting op but your behaviour is obsessive and controlling. It’s ok to be hurt- but it is NOT ok to go crazy at her for trying to move on. I guarantee you are pushing her even farther away.

Even if she agreed to give it another go- you staying over 4 nights a week is FAR too much- that is not giving her ANY space.*

@Lockdownseperation- agree 100%

@Lockdownseperation

You need to speak to your GP and get some help.

From what you have said I’m not surprised she left, debts, living in the family home while your ex wife had to move out with the 3 kids, thinking your amazing for ‘helping out’ after your EX wife had major surgery to correct a problem which happened when she gave birth to your children, harassing your EX wife, putting the a your want to have your EX wife before the emotional needs of your children.

Don’t start dating again before you get help and learn how to treat women properly.

This is so true. You’re harassing her in front of your children and abusing her verbally for having the audacity to behave in a single manner when she is, er, single. Have you always been this controlling? She. Doesn’t. Want. You. And has told you so countless times. What else do you need?!

because of your pestering and verging on abusive behaviour if i was your 'ex' i'd be keeping my distance from you, you'd see the dc but not me and staying over would be a def. no no. to be honest i wouldn't even speak to you unless it was related to the dc.

@Northernsoullover

I get that you are heartbroken but she's not the only woman in the world. As others have said self improvement now should be for you and you only. It will do wonders for your self esteem and health but won't win her back. But do it anyway! You won't always be heartbroken. Is this your first relationship ending? You are behaving like it is.

is was the op's first relationship,

you were posting about this in depth a year ago and still not resolved anything,

You sound like a nightmare. Sorry.

It was so bad your wife moved out to get away. No woman with kids does that lightly.

I don’t buy the just took her phone story. She’s was single. Can sext whoever she likes.

She’s allowed to say she wants sex as part of a relationship and since she doesn’t fancy you any more it’s not going to work between you two, and there’s nothing you can do about that. She doesn’t fancy you it’s over.

She can join whatever dating site she likes.

Where she was wrong was sharing and bed and letting you stay over. That sent you mixed messages. But that’s been stopped for a while know if I read your posts correctly.

You need therapy. And you should leave your ex alone.

It sounds as though your wife has fallen out of love with you, has made it very clear she doesn’t want to be with you. I can understand how heart breaking that must feel but maybe you need to take this time to work on yourself. It’s easy to lose sight of who we were before when in a relationship for so long, we tend to let ourselves go as well. Work on you and having the best relationship with your children. I bet they are hurting too. Good luck.

She doesn’t love you any more.
You can spend your life waiting for her to change her mind, but what a waste of your life.
You need to draw a line under that relationship and be open to new opportunities that will come your way.

It sounds like you have some serious work to do on your mental health. Your behaviour is going to harm your innocent children.

I'm sorry but this marriage is over. Your wife has told you this several times. You need to stop harrassing her about it.
Of course it's heartbreaking but you will get over it with time and with time you will find someone else too.
You need to reduce contact with her to discussion about the children and that's it.
Then you need to find ways to make yourself happier. Only you can make yourself happy.
If you want to lose weight and give up smoking so that you are healthier then do that. This should not be with the aim of getting her back but with the aim of improving your own physical and mental health.
Join something (appreciate it's difficult with the current Corona situation) - but try to find a hobby or interest group or night class which meets once a week. Then you've got something to look forward to each week rather than having endless weeks of loneliness stretching out in front of you. Maybe even join two things - then you have a fixed evening out twice a week.
Reconnect with friends.

There's lots you can do to improve your situation and move on but the first thing you need to do is accept that your wife has said the marriage is over.
A marriage or relationship is over when one of the partners decides they do not want to be in that relationship any more and sadly for you, your wife has decided this.

@Dollyrocket

I think you need to listen to your (ex) wife, she has said no - that means no.

Exactly this

It sounds from everything you've said that she has made her mind up. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear

I am a woman who’s ex is doing exactly what you are doing to your ex wife and it is a nightmare. He is constantly begging for a chance, trying to get into my head, promising everything to change so we will work etc and it is so draining and stressful. He also had some kind of breakdown and ended up in hospital for a couple of days and is on meds now. The guilt I feel is immense and yet the cynical side of me is feeling emotionally manipulated.
I agree with all of the other posters who are telling you to stop - you are hurting her believe me and you will hurt your kids too.

@tvaustin

I had to reply to this for so many reasons but two paragraphs in your OP hit me like a ton of bricks:

1. Everytime i see her i beg her to give us another try and this has been going on for about 3 months now and i know i need to stop as it is causing arguements which the kids are witnessing but i love her so much that i just cant stop begging her

Please please please stop doing this. My STBEXH did this to me ten years ago...a few times. I repeatedly tried to break up with him but he begged & told me he couldn’t go on without me — I went back but reality eventually caught up with us and it is the thing I am most angry at him about. I know I need to take responsibility for my decision but I really wish he hadn’t pleaded with me so much. It is very manipulative.

She just keeps saying that she doesnt find me attractive, her prolapse is back so she wants to sort her body out but she wants to be with somebody who she fancies and would like to have an active sex life with them
Jeez this is so harsh! I mean, if she is willing to say this to the person she married, she obviously wants you to know loud & clear that it’s over. For your own dignity & self-respect, do not beg someone back who tells you she is not attracted to you. I know it feels insurmountable now but trust me, it won’t forever. You can work on yourself (physically & emotionally or whatever is needed) & you will meet a woman who tells you how much she fancies & adores you. That’s what you deserve. You are so young & far too young to put up with that.

Take some time OP to reflect. Get out of panic mode by breathing, walking & meditating. Talk to a sensible friend and therapist. Really work on this — this is the hardest part. You can and will be be better. Lots of love to you.

Change is hard. And we stay in situations that aren't healthy because we don't know anything else.

I know how hard this is for you. My ex left me 3 years ago. And I would take my old life back in a heart beat. But he has made the decision and I respected that.

Your mental health is the priority now. See your gp get counselling. And reduce contact right back. Get access routine in place for the children. And move on. I know you don't want too. But you will slowly get to a better place. Just go Day by day.