confused by this situation

[Kat890]

Hi

I’ve been in a ‘situationship’ with a guy for a year now.. known him a few years but we’re just friends before then started dating.

I’m 31 and he is 29.both no kids . I would like to settle down soon and tbh don’t think that’s even on his mind. He is Muslim and I think he wants to eventually settle down with a Muslim woman

I say situationship as this has basically now turned in to just sex.. started off him pursuing me relentlessly offering to take me away fancy dates etc. It all changed when I asked him where he saw this going.. the dates stopped and I felt he tried to reinforce so much that this was just sex for example coming round late not making time for me etc leaving in the morning.

I have tried to break it off with him a few times to which he comes on strong again. He messes with my head and sometimes makes me feel he has feelings for me then other times really seems as though he wouldn’t give a shit if I got married tmrow and Never saw him again.

He texts me all the time, isn’t just one of those things where we have sex then he goes home after and only speak again when we want sex which tbh seems like that would be easier as I wouldn’t be feeling so confused.

I asked him the other day again why the dates stopped He said to me the other day he isn’t prepared to date me as ‘to much has happened and we’ve had to many arguments’ yet he is happy to come here and just have sex.

sometimes he asks me about guys and I feel he pushes me on to other guys.. and says he wants me to meet someone . Then he says he doesn’t want to hear anything I’m up to and to not try and make him jealous (I don’t )

Deep down I know this is now clearly about sex for him which I have said I want to stop ( he doesn’t belive me ) but I don’t get why constantly text me ask about my day etc and then act like he couldn’t give a shit about me when I ask him certain things.

I know I need to move on I’ve tried to block him etc but he ends up contacting me Somehow.. we didn’t talk for over a month before and he got back in touch

Tbh he makes me feel like He thinks I’m not worthy for him which I’ve told him and he said ‘ I hope you find someone who doesn’t make you feel that’

He is well aware I have feelings for him and he’s never once told me he feels the same. The situation is making me feel quite shit

Oh OP. Read your post again and you know what you need to do.

Move on.

He isn’t going to wake up one morning, give you what you want and treat you better. Give yourself the gift of dropping him like a bad habit (which this is).

The fact he swerves your attempts to block him shouldn’t mean you keep going back and having sex with him! That’s a weak excuse. Level up and start treating yourself better. You’re being used and despite his mixed messaging you’re not paying attention to the fact this situation is making you feel shit. Not shit enough to stop shagging him!

Pursue what you want ruthlessly. If it’s marriage and kids you want, this guy is a total dud and will prevent you from getting just that.

The reason he's doing this - all of it, whatever it is that is confusing you - is quite simple.

It works.

He wants to have sex, so he behaves in a way that will get you to agree to sex.

If you want him to stop doing this, you have to stop it working.

He's quite happy with the way things are: he'll continue doing it until it stops working (or until he decides (or his family decide?) that enough is enough and it's time he got married).

From his point of view it's quite simple. From your point of view it's only difficult because you're holding on to the possibility of it being A Relationship, so you let it carry on working. You will need a lot of willpower.

If you want to settle down, cut ties and move on. He is not interested in a ltr with you but wants to keep you keen enough to see you as and when he chooses. You can do better.

@Tinamou has said it all. He has made it plain he is using you for sex. His actions make it plain. His words make it plain. The fact he sometimes is at a loose end and texts you head-messing shit means nothing.

He has no investment at all in this shituationship. The only reason he contacts you 'somehow' is because you entertain it when he does. If you ignore a dog that comes to your door for a month, then you feed it, the dog learns he has to come to your door for a month to get you to feed it.

Block him everywhere. However he finds you, block him. If he persists, call the Police and report him.

Or carry on as you are. Watch him marry a good Muslim girl. See them raise their children. While you are still the sex on the side.

Your choice, so choose wisely

He continues to use you, because you enable it.. @Kat890 - you need to rip off the plaster and block/ignore him, properly.

Also, get an STI test, just in case.

He is totally using you and you're allowing it. Sex whenever he wants it with no commitment. Stop being a doormat and block this loser from your life.

He's doing this because you let him. Because it works. Because he says what he does and you let him have sex with you.

You write as though you have no agency in this.

You are letting this happen.

He's already told you it isnt going to go anywhere so why would you think it might?

Just stop replying to him and block him.

You're not really confused.

You just don't want to face up to reality.

Come on now. It's time.

This is awful. He knows you have feelings for him yet he's continuing to carry on like this. Any decent fella would have called it off by now but yet again it's another one who just wants to keep a sex supply. This is making you miserable OP it's time to kick his sorry ass to the kerb and find yourself a bloke who respects you. It's a familiar story unfortunately

Block him , move if you have to. I wouldn't be surprised if he's married with children.
He will never date you let alone be with you openly , he wouldn't be allowed.
Sorry, for your own sanity and future happiness, get rid of him.

Call his bluff and ask to meet his family. I'm sure that will go down like a lead balloon. He's using you. Get rid.

I think the book The Rules has a catch phrase "Don't waste the pretty", I have a similar one that's a bit more vulgar; "don't waste the pussy" .

You have to be "selfish" in relationships, by selfish I mean if someone isn't giving you want you want and is unlikely to give you what you want, drop them and spend that time and energy looking for someone who will. And you will find someone.

Yours just wasting your time, energy, emotion, and body on him.

Cutting contact will.hurt in the short term.cause you e caught some feelings and the oxytocin from the sex is kicking you in the gut but it will pass and you will get over it/him. But you can't do that til.yoh give yourself the solid, continued opportunity to do that.

Stop.lettimg him waste your time and use you.

Is say you're right that he wants to/has to marry a Muslim woman.

But whatever - it's doesn't matter why, he's wasting your time and emotions.

(As to the contact, people like attention, validation, human contact, talking about their day/other stuff, it doesn't mean anything unless they want it to. I've had s guy chat to me by text for months, a d restart contact himself when I let it drift then when we finally dated, dump me after four "dates". They just like the attention, affection, moral support etc. Everyone does. (and he also likes keeping you onside for sex).

Plus people have an ego thing about wanting to be the one who lets it go/ends it; not the other person.

Oh and there was a poster in this position on here before who got pregnant by her Muslim "boyfriend"; it did not end well for her.

He pushed her to abort, when she didn't refused to have anything to do with the child, hid it from his family, I don't think she's managed to get any maintenance off him, he told her straight several times after she got pregnant that he'd been with her for sex a and would never marry someone like her, was abusive, and us now married to a very young, immature woman from his country of origin (who found out about her and her son, and is now also abusing her via Social media etc.)

Just stop this right now. You're being far too nice to him and not nearly nice enough to yourself. You are demeaning yourself for someone who is not worth it. Seriously, why would you want to do that? 💐

Just because he gets in touch, it doesn’t mean you have to answer! He’s using you for sex until he meets a Muslim girl....(will it be an arranged marriage or will he choose a girl himself?) Move on.....

Dude's got you and is keeping you on the hook.

He doesn't think you're worthy, that's why you're not being upgraded from person he puts his cock in, to person he loves and respects.

You need to cut ties with him, get a clean break and walk away with some dignity intact.

This is not going to be a relationship for you.

This is not good for you.

He does not have your best interest at heart.

The reason he came on strong at first was to get what he wanted. Once it was secured, he cooled off. He will pick back up when his security (guaranteed fuck) is threatened. It doesn't mean he's secretly in love with you. It's a measure of control.

In the same way, he asks about other guys because he wants to keep a handle on things.

RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!

Just block him.

What's so hard about that?

Block on everything and never speak to him again.

Just tell him you've found "someone who doesn’t make you feel that" and that's what an orgasm actually feels like.

! Whoopeeeboopeedo!

Blocking on everything isn’t as simple as I left a quite big detail out. We work at the same company (not directly with each other though )

PP who said he’s probably married with kids he is defo not as I’ve worked with him for years we have mutual friends etc

Regarding the Muslim thing he isn’t practicing he doesn’t fast during Ramadan etc he drinks has said he will marry who he wants as long as the kids are Muslim although I’m very aware of how things work one of my best female friends is Muslim and has told me to stay away.

Regardless of any of the above all the PPs post are right I do need to realise my worth and fuck him off

Find your pride. This guy is using you for sex. Nothing else interests him. You deserve much better.

Force yourself to question him and pester him about your relationship, that seems to put him off! Tell him you think you’d like his baby, what does he think? Watch him run for the hills.

You’ll never meet someone worthy while you’re wasting your time pining after this bloke.

Lots of different Muslim communities and individuals have totally different attitudes and practices. The posts saying 'I knew a Muslim who did terrible things' or assuming you know what his beliefs are - before you know anything about this person's approach to his religious background should I think be deleted.

Based on the behaviors you describe, I agree there is no point pursuing the relationship if you want something serious OP..... but not for any reasons specific to his religion. That may be a factor, but based on your update may well not be. He sounds like a very typical guy who does not see you as someone he wants to be committed to and simply isn't passionate about you. If you are looking for commitment, I would move on.

Really, he is being pretty plain and honest about what he wants and taking it. You just need to be honest with yourself and have the strength to assert what's right for you. If you want a deep relationship then You deserve to be with someone who is crazy about you and would go through a lot to win that with you, and this guy isn't and won't.

Block him and be professional at work. Do you actually have to deal with him at work?

Think of it this way - the more time you waste on this guy the less likely you are to find what you actually want because you are missing time to heal, reset your boundaries and find someone worthy. Don’t treat yourself that way.

No on said it was going to be easy but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. Go on. You got this

@BraveGoldie agree what your saying regarding the religious aspect of things I only mentioned that for context and don’t think ppl should assume this is happening because we Have different beliefs as it happens with ppl of no religion / same religions all the time.

@Rainbowqueeen luckily he moved departments so I don’t deal with him at all anymore no .. other than bumping into him sometimes in the office ( before COVID)