Coercive Relationship Desperate

[hazydazy8]

Hi,

I'm reluctantly back on here because quite frankly I'm embarrassed by my inability to gain strength and follow through kicking my partner out. My life with men has been horrendous and I feel it just be me in a lot of ways. This is my house, he has no legal right to it, he doesn't contribute financially in any way, he did give me a contribution when we first met but with one thing and another he lives here for free. He is controlling, accuses me of chatting to other men and questions me if a male friend on Facebook comments on a post. He's foul mouthed, bad tempered, never smiles and never nice, bad personal habits. He's beyond selfish, calls me names is on sex dating sites all the time and he hides things so he has control such as biscuits and crisps so my sons don't eat them all. My list is endless and I just can't stand him, he has no money and no family to go to and when I've told him to leave he says he will go when he's ready and then tempers have died down and we carry on. I know this is down to me to sort but I am seriously struggling to just do it, I can not describe how intimidating and aggressive he is, you can't sit down and talk and if we argue there's no way of making a point. He constantly sulks and ignores me for days and I don't know why. I'm at my wits end and desperate to get rid of him. 😫

He is a grown ass man! He has put himself in this position on purpose. He has continued to live this way without support on purpose. He chooses to live without consequences because he can.

Tell him to live, he he gets mad call the police. Tell them he has had two weeks notice but he won't go and he's abusive.

This is not a safe environment for you, and I hope you don't have dc because it is definitely not for them.

I know because I was you 6 months ago.
The fall out every time made me exhausted so I just gave in, but the last time I just couldn't. My ex threatened to kill himself, slept rough threatened to kill me, everything and anything to get me to back down.

Well I love my life now, truly am so happy and I don't miss him because he wasn't the person I pretended in my mind to cope.

This is my house, he has no legal right to it, he doesn't contribute financially in any way

Jesus Christ what are you waiting for, have him removed already!

How far have you actually gone in your attempts to get him out as you're pissing into the wind asking him to leave.

As far as I understand he has no legal right to be there. Find a time when he is out, dump his stuff outside and lock the doors. Maybe warn the police beforehand that you are ending an abusive relationship. You need to rip the plaster off. No amount of reasoning is going to change a man like that.

Do it. I did it two months ago. It’s so hard and complicated. But I’m freeee!! It’s so liberating and lovely xx

Get him physically out of the house, change the locks, text him it's over, stuff is outside.

Phone 999 if he kicks off.

I recently read on there that if you ask someone to leave your home when they have no right to be there and they refuse you can call the police to remove them.

Thank you all for you're thoughts. In the past I did call the Police, they took him away and dropped him at a hotel but he had no money and I had his bank card in my purse and he came back at 3 am, he thumped and thumped at the door and I let him in... stupid I know. I have 2 children, well teenagers, 1 is 19 and the other is 15, he's tried and tried to drive a wedge between us but we have such a fabulous bond we are still strong, he hates it obviously. When I said he hides things he has done this and tried blaming one of my sons saying they've stolen it but I know without doubt they haven't.

I think in my mind I'm just stupidly waiting for him to accept it's over and go without fuss.... in reality it will never happen!!

I find strength when I'm angry but I rarely lose my temper and feel this is the wrong way to go about it all. I avoid confrontation such as this as my anxiety flares up and forces me into a jibbering wreck which I think subcontiously makes me avoid the "get out" conversation. He's a vile vile horrible man. If this was happening to a friend I'd be saying the same as you, so what stops me, I'm a mess really xx

Have you some friends that you can invite over to be with you when you tell him to leave? As much to make you go through with it as for protection?

I'm not sure they would get involved but I could ask

I think it's unlikely he will kick off in front of them tbh.

He would, he's beyond stubborn and wouldn't care, but it would make him awkward so maybe that is the way. His pride gets in the way of everything in his life. I cannot express enough how weird he is, it amazes me how he reacts to things, it's just not normal. Last night for instance I came into the kitchen and he was rummaging in the freezer I asked him what he was doing and he flew off the handle and said "I'm putting something in the f'ing freezer ffs, Jesus what do you think I'm doing". This was totally out of the blue and the kind of reaction I constantly strive to avoid.

I have been looking at his phone and I've found his internet history swamped with websites Luke fancy a fling, pub flirts to name but 2, I looked this morning and he's set it to private browsing so it doesn't store his history. I've taken photos in the past of his history though. I feel totally desperate and miserable and I have to do something.

If you can’t do it for you do it for your kids, they can’t enjoy living with him.

Does he ever leave the house? Does he have a key?
Can you afford to change the lock?
It sounds like you have reached crisis point.
The police helped you before. They could again.

My kids hate him and avoid him at all costs which I cannot tell you how horrendous that makes me feel. The fear of the confrontation when telling him to get out is what stops me, he's overwhelming, intimidating like no other and will no doubt refuse to go and will then shut down and not speak to me even if if try. I'm a wreck inside but I'm a master of disguise and everyone around me at work etc think I'm ok and life is rosey. I'm in debt aswell which adds extra pressure on my state of mind. It's all over whelming.

So your kids hate him and you don't want to be with him so what's your excuse to not kick him out?

Give him a deadline, put his stuff outside that day and change the locks, dial 999 if necessary. He likes his home comforts, that's all.

Arrange for people to come around. Speak to your local police domestic violence unit and warn them you asking him to leave, get your contact details out on alert and then do it.

Do it during the day so you can get the locks changed - have the new barrels bought and kept in your car. Have black plastic bags or old suitcases and pack his stuff up.

You can do this but you need to plan.

Ultimately the relationship is over and you want him gone. The end goal is to get him out of the house along with all his stuff.
Given what you have said you struggle with this, as you only have the strength when you are angry, so you need some help, either by the police, friends or family, which one of the suggestions above are you more comfortable with?

He sounds like he is getting a free ride off you OP, doesn't work or pay his way, so he gets to sit there like lord of the Manor, using fear or manipulation to keep his place and to top it off he is on dating sites, so he is already scoping out his next victims by the sounds of it, where did u meet him OP and how long has this leech been attached to you?

Actually now coercive control is a crime I would speak to the police to see if they have enough evidence to arrest him...

You could then refuse to have him back in the house.

If there isn't then get friends/family over and tell him he needs to go and has an hour and start packing his stuff.

When he says he's got nowhere to go say not my problem. You could book him a can to the council offices to report himself homeless. He will call you names etc but it doesn't matter what he thinks of you. Only that you get him out.

If you won't do it for you, please do it for your kids. They deserve to feel safe on their home and this is not modelling healthy relationships for them.

The police picked him up before, why wouldn't they do so again? As PP says, let them know beforehand.

Is there someone you trust in real life, can you tell them?
Work out when he's going to be out of the house.
Book the locksmith
Bag up his stuff.

Presumably your DC would help you, one has 999 ready to dial the other tells him to get out and you back him up or vice versa?

I just feel you need to be accountable for saying it to him and having the confrontation.

This is my house, he has no legal right to it, he doesn't contribute financially in any way
I'm sorry because this is going to come across as unkind and I don't mean to be, but there are SO MANY women who don't have this advantageous position who manage to do what's right for themselves and their kids and get the hell out. You're choosing this for yourself and inflicting it upon your kids. This is how I grew up and I will never forgive my mother for it.

I avoided all confrontation with my ex by just going to a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse. Very similar situation to yourself with the controlling behaviour and kids hating him etc. Research narcissist abuse and you'll probably find so many answers to your questions.

So, one morning after he went to work I rang the solicitors and told them I needed help to get him out. I went in to their offices at 9.15am and made like a statement about his behaviour over the years. By around 11am the solicitor was in front of a judge getting an emergency non-molestation order (an injunction) against him and another court order to get him out of the house straight away. The solicitor hired a man to serve exH the court orders and that was that. I got it paid for by legal aid due to the domestic abuse.

Your poor children.
Confide in a friend/relative and get real help to remove him.