Coercive Relationship Desperate

[hazydazy8]

Hi,

I'm reluctantly back on here because quite frankly I'm embarrassed by my inability to gain strength and follow through kicking my partner out. My life with men has been horrendous and I feel it just be me in a lot of ways. This is my house, he has no legal right to it, he doesn't contribute financially in any way, he did give me a contribution when we first met but with one thing and another he lives here for free. He is controlling, accuses me of chatting to other men and questions me if a male friend on Facebook comments on a post. He's foul mouthed, bad tempered, never smiles and never nice, bad personal habits. He's beyond selfish, calls me names is on sex dating sites all the time and he hides things so he has control such as biscuits and crisps so my sons don't eat them all. My list is endless and I just can't stand him, he has no money and no family to go to and when I've told him to leave he says he will go when he's ready and then tempers have died down and we carry on. I know this is down to me to sort but I am seriously struggling to just do it, I can not describe how intimidating and aggressive he is, you can't sit down and talk and if we argue there's no way of making a point. He constantly sulks and ignores me for days and I don't know why. I'm at my wits end and desperate to get rid of him. 😫

[fuckinghellapeacock]

Get him out!

[Sisterwives]

Call the Police and tell them your plan. When he wakes up you tell him he's leaving today. If he refuses, you call the Police.

This is damaging your DC and you may be close now, but this will damage your relationship with them if you let it continue.

[MusicSchool]

OP, you have built yourself a terrible patterns. You argue or ask him to leave and after a few days you just carry on as normal until the next episode. A wise woman once told me, "If you sitting in front of the fire and getting burnt, do you call me to ask if you should move?" What are you getting out of the relationship? Are you scared to be on your own?

What message are you sending to your children? It's not boundaries that you need to set, you need to reduce your tolerance level to zero. Give him date and time to leave and if he does not leave call the police and have him removed. Change the locks and block him all everything.

Why are you still checking his phone if you want to end the relationship. Let him go and hook up with whoever he want. It's not your problem if he has no money or family. Being nice will get you nowhere, you will still be posting here in two years time about his behavior.

[hellsbellsmelons]

OMG - your poor DC.
WTF are you allowing this?
Wake up OP. Right now.
Pack his shit up today and kick him out.
If he won't go then call the Police.
Would be good to give them a heads up on 101 so they can put you on a priority list if you call 999.
Ask for the DV team when you call 101.

[copperoliver]

You need to be stronger for your children. He must have lived somewhere before you met. He probably has money but doesn't tell you. I'd have the locks changed and pack his bags. Think of your poor children growing up with this you will feel so much better once you've done it. X please do it for your children. They need you to be strong. X

[Lucyccfc68]

I think the OP knows everything she is being told here, so there is nothing to be gained from telling her:

Get him out now!
What are you doing to your poor children!
You need to be stronger!

FFS she knows all this!

The best thing posters can do now is gives 'practical' advice on 'how' she gets an aggressive, intimidating man out of her house and life.

Anyone who can advise on support organisations, who to contact at the police, a good solicitor or good legal ways she can get help, please contribute.

Good luck OP.

[RandomMess]

Have you ever spoken to your local police "domestic violence" team (it may have another name)?

I would speak to them, explain you are a victim of coercive control and terrified of asking him to leave. They may be able to charge him, if not they may arrange to come to the house and be there whilst you ask him to go and pick up his stuff?

I would call Rights if Women for their advice and speak to the police DV team and see what help they will offer you.

Do you want us/me to make you accountable for contacting them via this thread?

[hazydazy8]

Thank you for your replies. Whilst I appreciate how utterly gob smacked some of you are that he is still in my house, I just want to try and explain that my kids/teenagers are a constant cause of guilt to me and when this is all over I will never stop feeling guilty. They do avoid him at all costs so they aren't in the firing line. as for checking his phone, I suppose I'm constantly looking for something that will give me an easy way out of this, stupid I know. I was married for 17 years and had a similar relationship and after I had a breakdown I finally lost it and ended it, so I know I can do it. The guy I'm with now is overwhelming and his outbursts come from nothing and no where so I spend half the time gob smacked and unprepared to defend myself. When I met him I was so lonely he was so lovely and affectionate and this was something I'd craved, just to have a cuddle. This is something where I know what to do and how to do it but it's the doing it that scares the shit out of me, something inside me just won't give and unless you have experienced this it will be hard to understand, everyone is different and I suppose when I hear of women being in physically violent relationships I say the same thing, call the police, change the locks etc, these men indoctrinate you and when you are afraid (which is what they do) it's incredibly hard. I really appreciate your comments, it helps to give me clarity and a different perspective on things, you really help and thank you xx

[Iflyaway]

Hey lady, find your inner strength and do it.

Your kids - and you! - deserve it.

[RandomMess]

I understand that you are paralysed by fear mostly linked back to your abusive marriage.

Please speak to the police ask about coercive control ask for their help. I think the act of someone else speaking the words for you whilst you stand there and agree could work.

You pick a statement "I don't want to be on a relationship with you and I want you to leave my home today and not return"

Could you start doing the Freedom Programme now?

[Prettybubblesintheair]

Oh my gosh come on woman, kick him the fuck out! Bag up his stuff, tell him to go and call the police if he won’t. You are choosing to inflict this on your kids, you should be feeling guilty about that. But stop bloody wallowing in it and do something about it!

[BertiesLanding]

I think in my mind I'm just stupidly waiting for him to accept it's over and go without fuss.... in reality it will never happen!!

You are projecting here, OP. There is absolutely NOTHING that any of us can do until you grow up and take your life into your own hands instead of waiting for a man - or us - to sort it out for you one way or another.

[Bananalanacake]

Does he have a key for yours, could you take it back while he's not looking before you call the police.

[madcatladyforever]

Your poor kids - for Gods sake grow a backbone for their sake OP.
Kick him out today, tough if he hasn't got anywhere to go, it's not your problem.
Change all the locks. If he won't go call the police.

[ConcentricCircles]

The guy I'm with now is overwhelming and his outbursts come from nothing and no where so I spend half the time gob smacked and unprepared to defend myself

His outbursts are not from nothing. He has a store of them waiting to be used on you in a calculating way, whenever he can in order to keep you down and under control.

It's working isn't it.

Show your children some love.Go out tomorrow morning and buy some new locks. Then next time he leaves the house dump his stuff outside and change the locks. Your children can then live in their house without fear of retribution.

[cakeandchampagne]

This situation is very unfair to your children.
You need to act.

[Hidingtonothing]

Lots of ideas and advice here OP, can you try and focus on exactly what you're afraid of and which ideas might work to combat that fear? If you can isolate what's paralysing you we can find a way to make it seem possible.

Also think about what gives you strength and courage, it could be reading about other women who've managed to leave, spending time with positive people who boost your confidence, reading up on abusive relationships or whatever else works for you. The stronger you feel the more able you will be to do this so give that some thought too. You can do this though, we just have to get you to the point where you believe you can

[Closetbeanmuncher]

they took him away and dropped him at a hotel but he had no money and I had his bank card in my purse and he came back at 3 am

Ok so this time make sure he had his bank card and hands your key back.

If he comes hammering on the door call them again and he can spend the night in a cell.

You can either keep making excuses or get it done. Those are the choices.

[Lorddenning1]

The guy probably spotted that you was vulnerable when he first met you, it's what they do, they have an eye for it or can sense it, they swoop in and give you all the attention and love you crave and once you fall in love with them, they then show u who they truly are and control you and make you need them. You won't be his first or last. I can't get over the fact that he doesn't work or give you any money for bills etc but still hides the food from your children and controls what they can have, I mean who paid for it in the first place. I know it's really hard for you and you have been conditioned to accept this from this guy and from your ex, but please please do this for your children. You have a chance to turn this around, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. They didn't ask for this situation, yet they are in it because you brought him into their lives, now it's your job to get him out of it. I don't understand what the problem is with this, you don't have any children together the house in yours, there is nothing tying him to you, other than the abuser and victim role you both have got going on, time to step up and get him out, you have done it before, so it again for your children.

[AgentJohnson]

Nothing will change until you make the decision that you and your children deserve better than this. Guilt at the environment that you are forcing your children to grow up doesn’t absolve you from your responsibility in this situation.

You’ve made this all about him which plays into your helplessness. If you can’t find the strength on your own, seek professional support in finding it because you are the key to extricating yourself and your kids from this toxic relationship.

[CloudsCanLookLikeSheep]

@lyingwanker

I avoided all confrontation with my ex by just going to a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse. Very similar situation to yourself with the controlling behaviour and kids hating him etc. Research narcissist abuse and you'll probably find so many answers to your questions.

So, one morning after he went to work I rang the solicitors and told them I needed help to get him out. I went in to their offices at 9.15am and made like a statement about his behaviour over the years. By around 11am the solicitor was in front of a judge getting an emergency non-molestation order (an injunction) against him and another court order to get him out of the house straight away. The solicitor hired a man to serve exH the court orders and that was that. I got it paid for by legal aid due to the domestic abuse.

This is amazing! OP you should do this

[Allinadaystwerk]

The advice given by lynigwanker (oh the irony!) Is the best advice on here from some who has been where you are. I was also petrified of my ex but one day I snapped and told him he was an abuser he was furious and offended and he left me. I refused to have him back since. It is really hard to stay strong but it's not impossible. Do what lynigwanker said OP

[Dery]

Hi OP - it sounds like your inability to act is part of a 'freeze or friend' response which is actually the female version of the fight or flight response when phased with a physical threat. I only found out about this recently but it makes total sense: most women would struggle to outfight or outrun a male aggressor so our defence mechanisms make us more inclined to freeze (i.e. avoid doing anything to provoke an attack) or friend (i.e. behave in a friendly way to them so they are less inclined to attack).

Your experiences in life have taught you that, for your own immediate survival, you should avoid confrontation. And that kept you safe in your previous abusive relationship. But it's not keeping you safe any more and it's terribly harmful to your children. So you need to move beyond that.

It sounds like you're waiting to feel emotionally ready to face the confrontation. But the cost is too high for you to wait and you may never feel ready. So the thing to do is assemble the necessary support so you can go through with the necessary confrontation.

Perhaps the following ideas may help?

You don't owe him any explanation or discussion around this and he may become dangerous if you do. Your priority is to protect yourself and your DCs.

Ring the police and let them know that you are going to be evicting your partner and there has been domestic abuse and you are concerned things may kick off so you are forewarning them. Hopefully, that way they can respond quickly if need be.

Do you have any large male relatives or friends who can come to the house and assist you (and perhaps stay with you for a while afterwards)? I don't mean physically throw your partner out but be there during the process of him leaving. Men like him tend to be happy to bully women and children think but they are less inclined to bully men, particularly men who are physically imposing. If you don't have any large men to call on, at least involve some female relatives and friends - safety in numbers. He won't be able to bully 3 or 4 of you in one go.

Does he go out much? If so, get your support team round while he's out. Pack up his stuff and have it ready for him to pick up on his return. Even better, if you can, have a locksmith ready to change the locks so that his key no longer works. He will find somewhere else to go - he's an adult - he can house himself. He can sofa surf for a while if need be.

If he never goes out, get your support team round - tell him he has 1 hour to pack up his stuff and then he needs to be gone. You don't have to put the support team in a directly confrontational situation with him if you don't want to - they can just be there in the background ready to step forward if you need it.

I suspect you won't feel emotionally ready to do this before you do it. You are going to be afraid of what will happen. So just accept that you will feel fear but act anyway. Just make sure you have the necessary support available (police/relatives/friends) so that you feel protected during the process and in the aftermath.

[madcatladyforever]

if you don't get rid of him now your kids will utterly despise you and will have nothing to do with you when they leave home.
Think about it.

[Happynow001]

Hello OP

You might find the thread in Relationships called:

"Secret planning to leave DH - days to go"

Interesting reading for your own situation.

You do, however, need to find your courage to get this leech out of your family home home sooner rather than later, if not for yourself then for the mental health of your children. Don't put them or yourself in the position that they feel they need to leave home at the very earliest opportunity because you keep giving in.

You've had some great advice on here (eg Lyingwanker's post) so do please use any real life support you have and/or go through the police/legal route and get him out for good. Please don't weaken if he does come back and thump on your door - that's when you call the police.

Good luck. I hope you manage to get rid of him for good. 🌹