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Relationships

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Original poster

Do I just accept no man will ever date me?

49 replies

willitrainforever · 23/07/2020 16:02

I am later 40's and have two children of young primary age.

When I go out I do get attention from men my age, been speed dating, loads of interest, venture on line, loads of interest. Went on date recently and the man described me as 'Intelligent, engaging and beautiful'.
It goes really, really well, until I mention my kids, then a look of horror goes across their face (if in real life) or online, they disappear or say something like 'shame - you seemed so cool' and then disappear.

I am at the right age to jump in at the pool of divorced men - but they all have older kids and I get why they don't want to go back and do all that again.

I feel really, really sad. I'd love a new relationship but don't feel like it will ever happen, not because of me, but because of my situation.

Should I just give up?

OP posts:

CyberPixie · 23/07/2020 16:04

As disheartening as it is with all the rejections, there's a lid for every pot and it really is a numbers game. You'll find your person, don't give up.

Original poster

willitrainforever · 23/07/2020 16:15

I'm not sure I believe that. I have such baggage, young kids, little time to date. Who would want me? Why bother when there is someone easier?

It's frustrating - I think I would be a great partner. I feel that I am more popular with men that I was when I was younger tbh. Until they hear about the kids.

OP posts:

DiscoInFurlough · 23/07/2020 16:16

Dont worry OP, as the PP said, you just havent found your person.

My tip would be to make it clear in your profile you have 2 primary aged children. That way, hopefully, you weed out the "wrong types".

I'm a size 16/18 and used to get terribly nervous that men would "find out" i was chubby and do a runner and i felt overwhelmed by the thought of meeting them and them judging me by my size. So, to combat that, i put my clothes size in my profile.
That way, it was all out there upfront. Not in a militant way, just "fyi i am a size 16/18"... my messages slowed down but the ones who did message werent size obsessed and i found my person and he's gorgeous and doesn't give a hoot what knicker size i wear.

I would recommend an "fyi i do have 2 primary aged children"
Your messages may slow down but the contact will be from those who dont see that as a deal breaker.

BilbyBlue · 23/07/2020 16:17

You definitely need to mention the kids in your profile. I think most people would assume you didn't have them if they weren't mentioned in your profile. It's quite a big thing to leave out!

DiscoInFurlough · 23/07/2020 16:19

Also, make sure your photos reflect the right 'vibe' lots of photos out partying in low cut tops will get you LOADS of messages, but probably not from the type of man you want to attract.

Your profile is your advert of your lifestyle, your family goals, your career mindset, your interests - make sure it all reflects what you want from life and a person.
Youll be fine, he will come along

Original poster

Willitrainforever · 23/07/2020 16:20

I don't leave it out. The site I am on you just put whether you have kids or if you want more or whatever. So guys can see I have kids and don't want more, but probably assume they are older than they are, and freak out when I tell them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Willitrainforever · 23/07/2020 16:22

Also, make sure your photos reflect the right 'vibe' lots of photos out partying in low cut tops

I don't have those type of photos!

OP posts:

DiscoInFurlough · 23/07/2020 16:32

Ah yes, definately add their ages to your blurb... you're right they are probably assuming theyre older.
There are literally no barriers to dating but what you do find online is men can be closed minded and have a set list of requirements. This is ok, but it can make it hard to find that right needle in the hay stack. 99% of the people that message you will be non-starters. Its just a numbers game and trust your gut and dont worry if they dont message back, the right one will.

Original poster

Willitrainforever · 23/07/2020 16:39

Ok, maybe I should do that. I am on Bumble - I think I am doing it wrong - or maybe its just because I only have the free version - but I get next to no information about the guys who are interested in me, and very few words to tell them about me in my profile.

OP posts:

sweetbirdofjuice · 23/07/2020 17:04

You sound lovely! Deffo mention the kids on your profile though. You don't have to put any pics or loads of detail, just that you're a mum. As PPs say, the number of matches might slow down a bit but at least the ones you do chat to will be open to dating someone with children and you won't be wasting time sifting through those who don't.

I am dating and admit I have felt a bit put out when men have left it until meeting to mention their kids (in one case it was 3 under 5's and an ongoing messy divorce 😬).

Notcoolmum · 23/07/2020 17:04

Is mention your kids ages before you meet. Weedle our those that would be put off. Maybe get a friend to objectively review your profile. And perhaps look at slightly younger men? I wouldn't want to start again with small children now mine are older teens.

sweetbirdofjuice · 23/07/2020 17:06

sorry, for some reason subsequent posts didn't show up as being from the OP! I see you do mention you're a mum. Yes, roughly give their ages 'primary age' '2 under 10s' or similar, same principle. it's just about weeding out incompatible matches.

Sharkerr · 23/07/2020 17:07

Name change fail?

Yeah mention them on your profile, but not in a ‘FYI I do have two young kids’, that makes it sound like a negative thing you’re admitting.

Just go with a ‘I have two amazing kids’. Simple.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/07/2020 17:19

Just go with a ‘I have two amazing kids’. Simple..

Or leave out the hyperbole and go with “2 kids” as I doubt anyone else finds them as amazing as you do!! FWIW if I saw a profile with a man gushing about how amazing his kids were, I’d avoid, as I’d presume he’s a Disney dad who lets them get away with murder . Unless they’re actual child prodigies I’d leave out the amazingness and just be factual. “I have two kids 7 & 9 who spend some weekends with their dad, giving me time to travel/play golf/binge watch 90 Day Fiancé etc” to show that they’re a fact of your life but they aren’t “your world” and you do have mental energy to put into a relationship too.

Although I can’t imagine why anyone is surprised that a woman in her 40s has kids. Maybe the age of them is an issue, or do you have lots of them maybe?!

Otherwise I can’t see why they would be taken aback when you mention having DCs.

I was always advised not to put anything about them on my profile just in case it attracted “wrong ‘uns” etc but it’s hard to avoid when it’s one of the first things people ask. How are you getting to physical meet ups without ever having that discussion? I’d have thought it comes high on the list after “what’s your name, where do you live, what do you do?”

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 23/07/2020 17:24

Ah sorry just reread and seen there’s only two kids, so not that.

It won’t be a problem for lots of guys - what type of man are you attracting/searching for? If you’re going for lots of adventurous travelling sporty types I can see that young kids would seem like a bind. If they want someone to whisk away on a weekend of hiking or skiing etc then it would be a problem if you’re tied to the DCs every weekend. Maybe you need to make more of a thing about your spare time, so that it becomes clear that you’re not spending every weekend watching your DS play football and ferrying them to clubs etc (unless you ARE, in which case you need to date one of the soccer dads )

KatyChe · 23/07/2020 17:28

I agree with other PP. You’re just wasting your time (and theirs) meeting men who don’t want to take on someone else’s kids. It’s unfair but as the mother is usually the resident parent, it’s harder for a single mother to date with younger children, as the potential boyfriend is not just dating the mother but her children too. A lot of men in their 40s will have older children who are semi independent and won’t want to go back to the drudgery of small kids, especially someone else’s! As others say, make it clear on your profile that you have younger kids that you are responsible for, that way only men who are prepared to deal with this will contact you. Have you considered “targeting” single dads with children of a similar age to yours?

It’s swings and roundabouts. My older sister is 47 and has always been infertile, which she’s known since she was late 20s. She really struggled to find a partner when she was in her 30s as most men wanted children that she couldn’t give them. This changed when she was in her 40s - financially secure women with no dependents are a magnet to the army of of divorced/separated dads of a similar age. She won’t date anyone with kids under 15 though as she doesn’t see why her weekends and holidays should be taken up with child related stuff. So it works both ways.

anothermansmother · 23/07/2020 17:29

Do not put that you have primary age kids in your profile! There are men out there looking for that for all the wrong reasons. Just mention it once you've been speaking to someone a while.
I used to get asked all the time if I wanted any more children, which again puts off lots of men of a certain age looking to settle and start a family, I already have 2 and don't want to have any more.
You will find the right person but it will take time.

crimsonlake · 23/07/2020 17:42

Late 40's and loads of interest on old, lucky you.
People I meet in real life are always surprised that I am still single, unfortunately I do not get load of interest even with grown up children on old.

GilbertMarkham · 23/07/2020 17:49

My tip would be to make it clear in your profile you have 2 primary aged children. That way, hopefully, you weed out the "wrong types".

Or attract the even worse types!

KatyChe · 23/07/2020 17:50

Men on OLD are deluded. I did OLD when I was in my early 30s, before I met DP. I clearly stated my age and the fact that I had no children but I wanted to have them. About 80% of the messages I got were from divorced / separated dads, aged 45 and upwards, who stated, on their profile, that they didn’t want more children. At some point, these men must get the message that they are of no interest to younger women who are still able to meet a childless man and start a family of their own.

rvby · 23/07/2020 18:27

I didn't mention i had DC in my profile because I didn't want predators. Horses for courses I suppose. I had a 3 year old at the time.

Now DP did go snow white when I first mentioned my DC on our second date. But he liked me and wanted to see where it would go. We took it extremely slowly and I multidated for a good year while also seeing him. They met when DC was 4.

The key is to just stand your ground I think. Be who you are but also remember you don't owe these men anything, much less an inventory of your life so that they can weigh you and find you wanting... men are for shagging until they prove they're for more than that. They earn their place in your life, not the other way round.

Also a new man doesn't "take on" children. You're the mum, you have children. Over time, a new man might demonstrate that he is trustworthy enough to meet your DC. He then might earn the privilege of spending time with you and your family...

That's how I approached it and it's served me well. My DP regularly thanks me for welcoming him into family life. As he should.

Crystalspider · 23/07/2020 18:35

I've always mentioned i have children on my profile, not age or how many and that's been simply enough, I've not had any man disappointed, the ones that mind wouldn't of matched me in the first place. I do also mention them before the date just so they definitely know! I'm dating a man atm and he had no children so there are some nice ones that's don't mind.

KatyChe · 23/07/2020 18:38

A lot of men see this differently from you. The mother is usually the resident parent, so if a man dates a woman with young children and the relationship is to progress, then those children are part of the package. I sit next to a group of single men at work, they are all actively OLD and they say that single mothers with young children are worth a fling and that’s it, because who wants to end up responsible for someone else’s kids (their words, not mine), because that’s what happens, if the relationship progresses towards living together and marriage.

itsureis · 23/07/2020 18:52

I'm in the same position as you but I wouldn't say that my kids are baggage - they are my kids ;-)

Even if people have older kids, they still have a responsibility towards them and they sometimes can even be more of a headache than our little people 🙄

Do you have sole custody of your children ??

Do you have regular free time ??

I'm not OLD atm but in the past I have always mentioned that I have two small people. I never got anywhere with any dates but that was more to do with no spark rather than it being about my kids ... x

KatyChe · 23/07/2020 18:57

I'm in the same position as you but I wouldn't say that my kids are baggage - they are my kids ;-)

Yep, they are your little darlings but not everyone thinks they are little darlings.

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